SOS: What Must I Do To Be Saved? The Agony of A Non-Converting Sales Copy. Please Appraise My Page

16 replies
Hi Everyone,

Thank you for accepting to review my sales pages

I have a sales page for an event here
I also have another one where I sell Web Consulting Videos Here
And Finally a Mentorship program Here

Please help me review these sales pages, the conversion is not as high as expected. I need your professional advice. What is wrong with these sales pages? What do I need to add or remove or do to improve the conversion.

Expecting your professional advice. (Harsh/Honest is better)

Thank you for saving sometime to review my sales copy. I appreciate.
#agony #appraise #copy #nonconverting #page #review #sales #sales page #saved #sos
  • Profile picture of the author Seiryuu
    Hi there, I'm also fairly new to this so please take what I say with a pinch of salt.

    Two things that I do notice are that
    1) There are some mistakes in the grammar and self-contradicting sentences. An example sentence would be "All these methods did not work and even the few ones that worked did not bring in the type of money they needed to live their dream lifestyle"

    Right there you've said that none of the methods worked, then contradicted that by saying some did in fact work.

    2) The copy seems to focus a lot on these millionaires and not much on what they can do for the reader.


    Again I'm definitely not an experienced copywriter so definitely see what some of the veteran guys have to say about this.

    Also I hope you don't think I'm trying to be offensive, but anything to do with Nigeria can set off alarms in readers minds. This is especially the case because of the phrase "Nigerian scam" being used to refer to a large proportion of online scams.
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Oh man, a classic case of falling in love with what you've got
      and have no clue about your market.

      You say it's for consultants.

      Consultants don't want to get involved with the tech stuff.

      They pass it on to one of the masses of people
      who are very talented at getting a website to do
      all sorts of wizz bang stuff.

      Kill the project because there isn't a market for what you have.

      Best,
      Ewen
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      • Profile picture of the author Reid Stevens
        The salesletter says the guy your talking about is worth $20 million...
        Then later in the copy it shows him sitting on a used Honda Civic??

        Just not believable to me. That's just my opinion.
        Signature
        Great Domain Name For Sale
        www.mhealthinsurance.com

        Make me an offer.
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        • Profile picture of the author jompert
          Originally Posted by Reid Stevens View Post

          The salesletter says the guy your talking about is worth $20 million...
          Then later in the copy it shows him sitting on a used Honda Civic??

          Just not believable to me. That's just my opinion.
          Its not $20 Million dollars, but 20 Million Naira. That is about $120,000 in U.S money. This offer is not for the international community. Thats a very good car in this part of the world where the offer is targeted... What else is not right about the sales page? I am willing to learn.
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      • Profile picture of the author jompert
        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        Oh man, a classic case of falling in love with what you've got
        and have no clue about your market.

        You say it's for consultants.
        Consultants don't want to get involved with the tech stuff.

        They pass it on to one of the masses of people
        who are very talented at getting a website to do
        all sorts of wizz bang stuff.

        Kill the project because there isn't a market for what you have.

        Best,
        Ewen
        2000 copies sold already, but expected more sales. I have a free download version here. More than 30,000 people opted in for the download version. I expected atleast 5,000 sales.



        Originally Posted by shawnlebrun View Post

        Call me crazy... but is "uniport" a widely known/used term? i have no idea what that means.
        Uniport - University of Port Harcort
        Its well know by ALL in the target market.
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        • Profile picture of the author TomRay
          I read through your copy It look's like you did a lot of things right. all I would say is that remember that most of the eye's on the internet are skimmers, we all do it. to help with that, try using your headlines, and subheads to tell your story, so when the reader is skimming it will help them decide if the want to actually read the page, this will help pull in your reader, if you cant get them to read it that way they weren't going to be interested, "most likely"
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        • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
          Originally Posted by jompert View Post

          2000 copies sold already, but expected more sales. I have a free download version here. More than 30,000 people opted in for the download version. I expected atleast 5,000 sales.

          market.
          Your headline says "non-converting sales copy"
          now you say 2,000 sold.

          Which of the 2 statements do you want
          people to believe?

          Best,
          Ewen
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          • Profile picture of the author martbost
            Okay, here is my 20 - 30 cents worth....

            1. The Headline graphic has black text on a dark blue gradient background, leaving it difficult to read.
            2. The second headline has several grammar mistakes in it that does not flow well.
            3. The second headline graphic transitions between fonts and colors too much as to distract the consumer from what they are reading.
            4. There are several other areas that I see opportunity for, but if it were me, I would simplify your message and focus on piquing interest with a smaller number of bullets, then drive towards the squeeze approach once you have your audience.
            I hope this helps in some way. It is all meant constructively and I applaud you for your efforts.
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    • Profile picture of the author jompert
      Originally Posted by Seiryuu View Post

      Also I hope you don't think I'm trying to be offensive, but anything to do with Nigeria can set off alarms in readers minds. This is especially the case because of the phrase "Nigerian scam" being used to refer to a large proportion of online scams.
      Even though I wont agree with you that Nigerians are scammers, I do know it would set off alarms in the international audience, but if you read well, you will see that this is a product that targets the Nigerian audience only... Not for the international audience. Its a seminar that will take place in Lagos...
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      • Profile picture of the author Seiryuu
        Originally Posted by jompert View Post

        Even though I wont agree with you that Nigerians are scammers, I do know it would set off alarms in the international audience, but if you read well, you will see that this is a product that targets the Nigerian audience only... Not for the international audience. Its a seminar that will take place in Lagos...
        Ah, my mistake I wasn't aware of it being targeted towards Nigeria only.

        PS my point was that I don't think that Nigerians are scammers! I was merely pointing out the reputation online, not my personal beliefs
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  • This is interesting.

    It looks like very good copy on the surface, but there's something missing.

    The piece just doesn't build much in the way of personality, or draw the reader in.

    It doesn't stand out from the millions of other internet marketing offers out there in any way. There isn't a strong USP; you don't show how your system is different. It just seems like a very standard internet marketing offer.
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    • Profile picture of the author jompert
      Originally Posted by The Copy Warriors View Post

      This is interesting.

      It looks like very good copy on the surface, but there's something missing.

      The piece just doesn't build much in the way of personality, or draw the reader in.

      It doesn't stand out from the millions of other internet marketing offers out there in any way. There isn't a strong USP; you don't show how your system is different. It just seems like a very standard internet marketing offer.
      Thanks.What do you think is the missing link.
      How do I build much in the way of personality or draw the reader in.
      How do I make it stand out... My USP is the fact that We logged in live to show our bank accounts - Video Proofs.
      What else can I do...
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  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    Call me crazy... but is "uniport" a widely known/used term? i have no idea what that means.
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  • Profile picture of the author rbates
    My first piece of advice is to consider hiring a professional copywriter who can clean up your grammatical and wording errors. My only additional comment on your "Event" site is to lighten
    up the color of your text slightly in the last line on your header so it is easier to read (as has been mentioned). Also, your down arrow (on header) gets very lost. I would make it a bright color and make it larger so it will be noticed.

    Your mentoring site is also full of wording and grammatical errors also. I do think it is designed better than your event site. Is this mentoring site also targeting the Nigerian audience?
    Either way, you are leading people to believe that they are making dollars instead of Niara.
    You state: 1.2 million (?) in 24 hours, 4 million in 48 hours, etc. and do not mention anything
    about dollars or niara. However, a few lines down, you state that you made "$13,500 in 45 days selling to the international community." You really need to make clear to your readers EXACTLY what they are getting. If you are pulling in this much cash, then you should be able to afford a good copywriter to clean up your copy. You might also consider a graphics designer to review your image designs (such a the header).
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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    The grammar is a big deal breaker for me. The claims are super outrageous, which can still work if the copy is convincing, but it's not. It's clunky, sounds like broken English...instantly brings up images in my mind of the overseas lottery scams I see in my mailbox, so I'm outta there.
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  • Profile picture of the author 100k
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    • Profile picture of the author IMstarter
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    Nobody here is likely to understand your market. It
    looks like you're marketing to people in Africa -
    perhaps within a specific country.

    The market will probably be a lot less mature than the
    market in the USA. Direct response developed most
    freely in the USA because of the postal system and
    various other factors. It lagged a bit in the UK where
    the laws were different... and the market of course.

    Your market may be way open - but to those of
    us who think in AMERICAN DOLLARS, your claims
    are not believable.

    I'd recommend not boasting so much about how
    much you've earned with internet marketing, but
    rather emphasize the specific methods you've
    developed which your countrymen can apply to
    sell online to domestic and foreign customers
    successfully.... just like the big shots from
    the USA.
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