Copy so bad that bad copy is offended?

by Angela Rose Weber

Posted: 11 years ago 32 replies

COPY WRITING

Okay, so this was my first attempt at copywriting. I decided to be stupid and pay $20 to put it up in the "warriors for hire" section. Think I had a brain meltdown or something.

Anyway I know that it's rubbish heap sewer crap. But what I don't know, but want to know is if there is anything in there worth saving at all? Like one teeny weeny phrase?

Am I even in the right universe as good copywriting, or even bad copywriting? Would bad copywriting be offended by the comparison?

I intend to pull off a miracle (more miraculous than the virgin birth) and transform into a competent copywriter, eventually.

And this is where I've started apparently....

*begin Copy*

You have a website. You probably have a whole gaggle of websites in niches various and sundry. You sell AMAZING products, You sell a lot of (Slightly-Less Amazing) Affiliate products too.

You are very Intelligent and Good Looking. (Everyone thinks so.)

You have the money to buy ads and the traffic you need to entice buyers to come to your websites. But maybe you don't have a product to sell them every day. Maybe you want to develop a following, become known as an expert in one or several different fields. Maybe you're a publisher looking for Ninja ghostwriters!

Whatever your needs - the bottom line is You need a Ton of Original, Quality, Unspun Content written for these websites that match your natural Talent, Brains, and Charm. You could easily write this content yourself, except You're So Busy! Except Writing Well is Hard Work and You Work Hard Enough Already! Except You Hate Writing, or maybe you think writing is okay, but you Detest Researching! Maybe you already write a lot, but you're only one person and you need an extra set of "typing fingers or searching eyes".

In other words What You really need is to Hire Me to do All Your Writing and Researching for You!

Why would you hire me?

Because You know how passionate I am about writing for You and how Hard I work to Research and Develop splentasticly pleasing, or proper Authoritative Content Just for You! You're also aware of how dedicated I am to meeting Your Very Unique Needs.

You know that I will eagerly write for you on any topic you require. You know it doesn't matter the length of the article, story, or review. You know that you can count on me to always go the extra mile to write whatever you need in the exact amount of time you need it!

You feel lucky that you hired me when I was still new and didn't have a ton of previous clients before you because you get me in my eager, enthusiastic years before I become burnt out and difficult to manage. You don't have to break old habits. You don't have to worry that because I've been writing in one niche for so long that's it all I know how to do. I am your wet cement to mold and shape however you desire.

You also love how reasonable my rates are: only $0.03 per word!

You love how ridicculously easy it is to contact me,and how many communication choices are available to you:
skype at @thecontentangel
Email at thecontentangel@gmail.com
Or Warrior Forum PM: View Profile: Angela Rose Weber
Or facebook https://www.facebook.com/angelarose.weber

Before You hired me, the first time, you went to my website The Content Angel read my samples, and then You knew I was the perfect person to write for you!

You were glad I only accepted payment through Paypal because it is the safest way to pay and get paid online, all you needed to know was my Paypal email address, which I gave to you once you hired me, and neither one of us ever needed to worry about privacy or security.

And although this never once happened, you've always been glad that if you ever were so unsatisfied with my work that you couldn't use my article or review - you know that giving refunds is super easy and instant through Paypal.

Of course You haven't hired me yet! What are You waiting for?

Visit my site to read my samples thecontentangel.com *took out messed up url*

Then contact me, whichever way pleases you:

skype at @thecontentangel
Email at thecontentangel@gmail.com
Or Warrior Forum PM: View Profile: Angela Rose Weber
Or facebook https://www.facebook.com/angelarose.weber

*end copy*

#bad #copy #offended

derricks4 11 years ago

You should spend more time focusing on what your prospects will gain (and what problems you solve for them) from hiring you than on convincing them to hire you.
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Andrew Gould

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Angela Rose Weber

I decided to be stupid and pay $20 to put it up in the "warriors for hire" section.

You decided to have a go.

Sure, what you've written isn't great.

But you had a go, you put yourself out there, that's more than most.

But what I don't know, but want to know is if there is anything in there worth saving at all?

No, scrap it and start again.

But before you do, take the time to get familiar with copywriting fundamentals.

A good book for absolute beginners is Dan Kennedy's "Ultimate Sales Letter".

Some quick feedback on what you wrote:

The formatting's off. Impact isn't just from making things big, but from the contrast between big and small. When everything's big, nothing stands out.

Tying in with the above, there's no headline, there's nothing that quickly tells your reader what your ad's all about.

You're using "you" a lot which is good, but you're not focusing on what's in it for the reader - you're not making the benefits of working with you clear.

Don't Try To Be Cute Capitalizing Words. It just looks amateurish.

I'd change your pricing from per word to per article.

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Angela Rose Weber

11 years ago

Thank you so much, derricks4 and Andrew!

I went back through and realized that I didn't list any problems or any benefits at all.

Part of the problem is that I don't quite have a grip on who would be hiring me or why, and rather than researching that, like I say I love, I got impatient and wrote my ad anyway.

The formatting help is very helpful. I had no idea how to format it the way I saw the other ads, nor how to add in the all the fancy buttons and pics.

Absolutely right about the missing headline too. (not that you don't know you're right, of course.)

I also didn't know that about bolded words being cute or amateurish - thanks for letting me know. I'll stop that now.

Thanks
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gjabiz

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Angela Rose Weber

Part of the problem is that I don't quite have a grip on who would be hiring me or why, and rather than researching that, like I say I love, I got impatient...

The good news Angela, you're a good writer. BAD? You're a terrible salesperson.

But you can get better and better at selling.

As for copying anything by hand, if you have 10 minutes and you really want to improve your understanding of who would be hiring you and why...go here

http://www.angelfire.com/biz/gjbiz/pop.html

And spend a few minutes and copy this out by hand.

You have a service to sell, your writing.

Who wants it, who needs it? Fast track is to find the people who want it and want it now. Slower track, but maybe a better business builder, is to find those who NEED it, and need some selling in order to buy from you.

So, where do you find this TARGET market? Well, there is one right here on WF, and also those who visit and observe...and your area has plenty of people already spending money on advertising, and copywriting is advertising...or as most like to refer to it: Salesmanship in Print (text and graphics these days).

The biggest mistake I see here is that most noobs get IMPATIENT...and don't put the TARGET first. Once you know your reader's wants and needs and what they are looking for...then...

and only then, in my opinion, should you even begin to write.

Having a clearly defined target for your services is a good part of the job and you need to spend your research skills there first, before you try to sell them anything, especially your services.

So, you don't need years of study, just minutes of UNDERSTANDING...

WHO are you trying to persuade to do what???????

As you see on the Pictogrigm of Persuasion, once you know that, you simply intersect with them on the track they are already on and speak to them from a place of understanding what they want (by walking in their shoes).

THEN...apply your good writing skills with a voice that is already inside their heads.

gjabiz

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Memetics 11 years ago

Originally Posted by gjabiz

THEN...apply your good writing skills with a voice that is already inside their heads.

This is the old NLP method of "pacing reality" or salesmans "Yes set". It works by stating things to the customer which they already know to be true and thus opening the door to the "already approved" section of the mind and tacking your persuasion onto the end so that it can join the pre-approved (and thus true) statements in the place where decision making criteria are unconsciously processed.

If you don't know much about the customer you can use any number of cognitive biases to have the same effect as they apply to everyone. There's a full list on Wiki under the title "List of cognitive biases" for you to have fun with.
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d3communications 11 years ago

I suggest the Boron Letters by Gary Halbert and published by his son (ebook is on Amazon). The formatting is a bit strange, but the content is absolutely amazing. One of the best tips: seek out the best of the best sales letters and rewrite them by hand. Do it again and again. Books are fine to learn from, but actually soaking in the most effective letters of all time will really push your copy writing skills (and awareness). -e
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- Angela Rose Weber 11 years ago
  
  Thanks Alex and d3
  
  If I get the job I just got a lead on then I will definitely pick up those book recommends and start copying. I do want to get good at this!
  
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derricks4 11 years ago

Angela,

If this is your first go at copywriting, then you're doing really well. Remember to focus your message around whatever it is you're trying to get across, and do so in a way that's beneficial to the reader. Good luck!
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The Copy Nazi Banned 11 years ago

Angela, it's so goofy and enthusiastic - I like it. I even went to your site to check out your "samples" (don't say "samples" - cheapens your work. Say "portfolio")

I wouldn't work on your writing skills so much as work on the basics of salesmanship.

For instance - don't say "You also love how reasonable my rates are: only $0.03 per word" - turn that into something like "If you act now...like RIGHT NOW...click on this link...I promise I'll only charge you 3 cents per word (but keep this to yourself...this is a special offer just for you). I'm starting to get crazy busy and I'm going to have to double my rates very soon. In fact if you wait until next week it may already be too late. (Sorry about that Chief)".

Keep that intimacy and that enthusiasm happening in your copy. Always imagine that you're talking to your best friend rather than pitching a zillion strangers.

I DON'T recommend all that crap about rewriting Halbert's letters by hand - that will kill your style. Find your own voice (which I think you have already) and build on that.

And yeah - as Andrew says above...charge per article not per word. That just stinks of Third World article writers churning out rubbish.

BTW ditch the bird avatar and put your own photo up. Or one of some hot model. That will increase your sales right off the bat.

Coming back to the copying out by hand advice that so many here advocate... in my opinion you would be better served training yourself to write in short simple sentences. Like this -

"My name is Angela Rose Weber. I am the most beautiful girl in the world. I also write copy. Advertising sales copy that converts. I have only been in this game for a year. During that year I've had copy that's sold Millions of dollars worth of product.

And guess what? It cost the clients peanuts.

I charged my very first client only Two Thousand Dollars for a long-form salesletter AND a 10 minute video. Yes - for a two thousand dollar investment my original client sold a Million Dollars worth of talking vacuum cleaners. He thinks me a genius. You might too after I do the same for your business.

But I have some bad news.

Thing is...I've had hit after hit. I'm now booked months ahead. I'm going to have to start charging more. That's the bad news.

Here's the good news.

I've reserved a spot for you. I know you want me. LOL. You look across at my avatar and think "Damn - that girl's hot!"

I'm kidding, of course. Forget what I look like. (And yes that really is my photo) I'm the hottest up and coming copywriter on this board.

Oops.

Maybe I should rephrase that. I'm the hottest new copywriter on this board.

I know you want me. Jump on Skype right now and we can have a heavy breathing session. Over your product, silly. What were you thinking?

I can't wait to talk to you. But please don't call if you're pushing dodgy stuff. I'm not interested in ruining my reputation with "Miracle Anti-Aging Supplements" based on rare Chinese bear paws - or whatever.

talk soon,

your new copywriter

Angela Rose Weber
The Hot New Copywriter in Town

p.s. I'm not really the most beautiful girl in the world. Maybe the second or third best.
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- Angela Rose Weber 11 years ago
  
  Those are awesome ideas, Malcolm, Thanks!
  
  is it acceptable to use avatars and lie about what we look like? Unfortunately, I use my real pic on on facebook and twitter, etc.
  
  *scratch that - I only use me on my content angel FB page that nobody knows is there and I've only got 36 followers on twitter. Will have a think on this.
  
  I use Lena Headey as my avatar on my fake facebook and I do get a lot of attention over there because of it. My K'Sennia character is very zany, but unprofessional and incompetent to a fault. "giggles"
  
  But perhaps I could create a sleeker version for my professional life?
  
  I definitely need to rethink my price structures because I do need to earn a living here. I actually based my prices originally by what I was making off of Fiverr, (even though I hate fiverr) I was afraid no one would hire me if I charged more.
  
  Thanks muchly for the advice... I am off to start. Practicing. Writing in shorter sentences.
  
  Thanks
  
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sethczerepak

11 years ago

On first blush, I think you've got too much wind up at the start. You could have started it on the paragraph that starts with "Whatever..." A lot of the stuff in the first few paragraphs might not even be true for the person reading anyway. The trick to writing openings is to join the conversation in their mind. There's a brief description in this video:

Scientific Copywriting Part 3: How to Write the...

I'd also avoid uncommon words like "sundry" and "gaggle." Makes you sound like you learned English in a classroom and that it might not be your native tongue.

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 11 years ago

Originally Posted by sethczerepak

I'd also avoid uncommon words like "sundry" and "gaggle." Makes you sound like you learned English in a classroom and that it might not be your native tongue.

WTF - this is what I like about her writing - she has an unusual turn of phrase. "Gaggle" is not uncommon. Neither is "sundry". You've never heard of "gaggle of geese"? Or "all and sundry"?

If you discourage the unique way she uses words and phrases you run the risk of killing her uniqueness - killing her "voice".

She wrote -

You probably have a whole gaggle of websites in niches various and sundry.

Surely most people would get the gist of that? Yes it's a bit "clumsy" but so what? You want everybody to sound like Dan Bloody Kennedy, Gary Halbert, Carlton, Montello?

Personally I want some new blood, some new "voices". I'm sick of reading and hearing the same old shit. Clones of clones.

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EaglePiServ 11 years ago

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

I'm sick of reading and hearing the same old shit. Clones of clones.

Agreed. Indeed.
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Mark Pescetti 11 years ago

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

Personally I want some new blood, some new "voices". I'm sick of reading and hearing the same old shit. Clones of clones.

Amen...

Whatever gives you a unique voice should be nurtured - not beaten out of you.
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ReferralCandy

11 years ago

Agreed with The Copy Nazi- she should trim the fat and make things more succinct, but her unique vocabulary will be what helps her stand out in the long run.

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Angela Rose Weber

11 years ago

Unique is definitely one word that suits me well. Random is another. Trying to find a happy medium between that and being professional is the game. Barrels of money is what I get when I win. Barrels and barrels *eyes gleam greedily*

My thinking, at the moment, is that copywriting is where the real money is located. It appears as if all of the content writers on here are running their own little content mills (something which I despise and abhor) and if I want to win the hearts of those who truly deserve me then I need to become a converting angel instead of a content one.

@thecopynazi, how far is too far with the unique vocab?

Can I use my made up words, as well? Such as opening letters with Heyla, instead of hello? I think ginormous has become a real word, how about canyonesque, hunormous, magigoratastical?

Oopsadoodle?

If some people take offense at words in all cap, I just may make somebody explode with the cuteness, and explosions (as fun as they are) are not really my intent.

I also read somewhere (may have been Carlton) that we shouldn't try to be clever. I'm going to go and write down your earlier advice so that I remember it.

Cheers to the Noncomformists,

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 11 years ago

Originally Posted by Angela Rose Weber

@thecopynazi, how far is too far with the unique vocab?

Can I use my made up words, as well? Such as opening letters with Heyla, instead of hello? I think ginormous has become a real word, how about canyonesque, hunormous, magigoratastical?

Oopsadoodle?

It's a brave new internet world. Neologisms are being created all the time. As for whether you can use them - depends on your target audience. If you're trying to flog something and people have no idea what you're on about it's self-defeating. So...don't over-spice. Nothing wrong with dropping in the occasional whack word.

If you want to read some different styles - grab this -

http://www.amazon.com/Road-movie-tie--Jack-Kerouac...

and this -

http://www.amazon.com/Notes-Dirty-Old-Charles-Buko...

And for a walk on the wild side -

Trainspotting: Irvine Welsh: 9780393057249:...

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sethczerepak

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Angela Rose Weber

Exactly. I think someone is confusing unique style with being too abstruse and waxing esoteric to where the readers aren't privy to WTF the writer is even talking about. Being unique is one thing, being vague and confusing is another. Apparently, it takes some mature understanding of wordcraft to understand the difference.

Can a person create a unique style without resorting to using advanced and obscure vocabulary words that 50% of readers will need a friggin' dictionary to find the meaning to? Can they be unique and interesting while still appealing to the common reader? That's real craftsmanship, but relying on advanced and obscure vocab words? Hardly original my friend. If you bother to read the great writers (Hemingway, Capote, King, etc), you'll realize that this is what they did. They had style without sacrificing clarity.

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 11 years ago

Originally Posted by sethczerepak

I think someone hasn't bothered to read the comments. (and Dude, if you're going to have a go at me at least be man enough to address me). Look up ^ . I said -

If you're trying to flog something and people have no idea what you're on about it's self-defeating. So...don't over-spice. Nothing wrong with dropping in the occasional whack word.

Nobody is suggesting

relying on advanced and obscure vocab words

BTW here's a word for you - snide. Describes this comment of yours -

Apparently, it takes some mature understanding of wordcraft to understand the difference.

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Steve The Copywriter 11 years ago

On the made up word thing.

If you don't overdo it they create a dash of intrigue.

A sort of - that sounds interesting but wtf does it mean?

And they keep reading to find out.

You could be the "heyla" copywriter.

They're some great ways to explain it.

Hello? - do you have any idea how ads work?

Hello! - and welcome to the world of scorchingly effective advertising.

BTW - Angela you have got such a cool name for writing copy on the net (I was born to do it. Or, I married into it)

With your style - the possibilities are luminitness (aka limitless).

Steve
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- Angela Rose Weber 11 years ago
  
  Neologisms - awesome word - can't pronounce it, but in writing it doesn't matter.
  
  One of my favorite things about the "A Series Of Unfortunate Event" books by Lemony Snickett was that he would use words that most kids didn't hear very often and then define them.
  
  My favorite ones were ersatz and penultimate.
  
  Words are so fun, aren't they?
  
  "The Heyla Copywriter" I love it!
  
  I'm working on my second attempt at a sales letter now, think I'll start the introduction part with it. I'm going to take my time on this one to get it right, hopefully. *everything crossed*
  
  Thanks Steve for the compliment, which name were you complimenting thecontentangel or Angela Rose Weber?
  
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Steve The Copywriter

11 years ago

Angelica Angel of Words,

Well as you're giving up the miserable life of un-content-ment and joining the exclusive club of copywriting luminaries.

The name I was thinking was "Weber" - it's just bang on for the inter web so it is.

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Memetics

11 years ago

Neologisms are an underused concept in writing excellent copy as they can be used in the aspects of both attracting attention and seeding suggestion on an unconscious level and thus priming the conversion.

Cold copy, such as leaflets or newspaper advertisements without a familiar brand name to back them up have been found to only create low involvement in the customer and as such work best with the MAYA (most advanced yet acceptable) format.

The best way to utilise neologisms in this matter is to research the trance words -or more specifically; trance verbs- of your target market. Every industry has them and simply put what they are is a form of extended code where people within their respective industries can communicate using words which they assign greater importance to than the general population.

For example: To us as copywriters the word "conversion" has a much more delineated and impotant meaning than it does to say a banker or a lawyer. So... if I were offering my copywriting services to a market leader I would perhaps use the term "Neuroconversion" to attract interest in what I had to offer. The presupposition would be that I could offer something new to their team, and thus attract interest.

On the second level; Encountering a neologism such as this requires the reader to mentally separate the two words "Neuro" and "conversion" and combine the concepts back together into a new concept. Now this act will use up a lot of the readers cognitive buffer; think of it like streaming a movie then having a big data surge to process: your buffer drops dramatically.

The difference between us and computers though is we have the huge reserve of the unconscious mind to back us up if this happens and this creates a situation called "transderivational search" where the conscious mind doesn't have the reserves to act as a critical factor to information entering our emotional brain so the unfiltered/uncensored information takes the fastrack to our amygdala. And the amygdala.....? That is where our beliefs are stored on which we base all our decisions, and at this point in our copy we introduce the call to action and in it goes!

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Angela Rose Weber 11 years ago

This is my second try, just put it out as a post on my site because I'm trying to write as much content around, "content writing and SEO" as possible.

If I can manage to successfully get my site on the first page of Google, and if I can learn to sell myself then I'll be able to sell other folk's stuff as well.

Here is the link in case anyone is interested: http://thecontentangel.com/2013/06/3...-out-for-free/
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Alex Cohen

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Memetics

So... if I were offering my copywriting services to a market leader I would perhaps use the term "Neuroconversion" to attract interest in what I had to offer. The presupposition would be that I could offer something new to their team, and thus attract interest.

The best use of newly made-up words and expressions in copy is when they're immediately understandable.

John Carlton, for example, has invented numerous expressions like these...

feeding frenzy of profit
sales-generating energy
dream-demolishing blunder
gushing river of desperate clients

Each is very clear in its meaning.

But I wouldn't use a word like "neuroconversion" in copy. It's not immediately understandable. And the last thing you want to do is cause your reader to stop and think, "What does he mean by that?"

Think greased slide.

Alex

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Memetics 11 years ago

Indeed, flow is very important to create compliance momentum in the reader which means that the "Neuromarketing" neologism would only be used once reader investment had gained enough inertia to carry it through. In this case I'm using the neologism as the "suspension" part of the ASIA model. (Attention-Suspension-Insertion-Activation)

The greater the "suspension" then the greater the impact and access to insertion of the call to action..but...also the greater chance of critical factor analysis.

To stretch the MAYA principle as far as I could get away with, then in the copy beforehand I would use a mixture of linguistic bridging words such as: "and", "because", "so" and "which means" to "grease the slide" as you put it and perhaps some rhetorical mechanisms like anaphora to give a little more weight, then follow immediately after with a question to refocus attention and draw away from focusing on analysing the call to action too much.

Like you say; "stop and think" is the last thing we want the reader to do before they have finished the entire piece.
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Steve The Copywriter 11 years ago

Angela,

You might be waiting with baited breath for critiquenesses on your latest wondrous words.

But the link has gone wonky...

Steve
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- Angela Rose Weber 11 years ago
  
  "giggles muchly"
  
  Thanks, Steve.
  
  I actually set the link to private because in the unlikely event of the letter converting I don't want to be a content writer.
  
  I need to write copy, so I'm working on a practice letter for Pepsi Max, instead.
  
  Gonna be a looong practice though.
  
  I've got a copy coach now.... so hopefully will improve in ginormous leaps and canyonesque bounds.
  
  Although if someone here had a product that wasn't super important that they wouldn't mind letting me practice on - then I could test conversions. I'll figure out something.
  
  Copy isn't copy unless it can be tested, after all.
  
  Although. I'm sure the more practice the better.
  
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Steve The Copywriter

11 years ago

...."Pepsi Max" - beyond brilliant.

Is it...

a powerful, world leading brand full of energy.

a sugary water with no real substance.

Or both.

Does anybody else feel that our new friend Angela is destined to become a ace copywriter?

She has a unique gift - personalityism - I can help but read her stuff.

Steve

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max5ty

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter

...."Pepsi Max" - beyond brilliant.

Is it...

a powerful, world leading brand full of energy.

a sugary water with no real substance.

Or both.

Um...you could probably just google it and find out Steve. Pepsi has spent a couple of dollars to promote it.

I'm sure Angela will do fine...just thought I'd give you a hard time Steve...sounded like it was the first time you'd heard of it.

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Steve The Copywriter 11 years ago

Max, it's a shame you can't use the name.

Maybe just as well.

Because...some of the more disingenuous people would explode like a shaken up bottle of the stuff if you did (lol).

Steve
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ThomasOMalley 11 years ago

You need to work on the fundamentals of copywriting more. See the list of top copywriting books at the top of this subforum.

I also highly recommend you get a copy of Bob Bly's, The Encyclopedia of Business Letters. He has some good samples sales letters for people selling services.
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Copy so bad that bad copy is offended?

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