Critique request for mailing

Nathan, my core business is similar in that it supplies the paper rolls the point of sale machines use.

Here's what I know and you will probably will agree when explained.

In fact I've just got off a consultation with a marketer who his client is going after the same market as you.

Your target market are already users of the payment processors.

You gain access to these people with a message that
initially is only asking who you should be talking with about getting them a better deal on their payment processors.

That's it.

Nothing else.

The next step when you are talking with the decision maker,
is you give them a reason for your call,
which is seeing if you can get them a better deal on their current payment processors.

From there you are working together, as opposed as you pushing for the sale and they are pulling back, to see if in fact you can achieve the stated goal.

This is the exact approach that has landed me customers
such as...
Puma
the largest in New Zealand..

Hardware chain
porn store chain
pub charity
dental chain
gold buying chain
fruit and vege chain
hair salon chain
mobile coffee chain
a chain of luxury hotels
and smaller chains as well as smaller retailers.

And phoning is the best for these bigger companies.

Next best is cold email.

In one week I landed a hotel resort
a ordinary hotel
2 bars
and a cinema from cold emails.

Didn't have to talk with anybody on the phone.

They were spread throughout the country.

When you boil down the essence of what you offer in one sentence,
you can use that in person, over the phone and email,
like I've done.

It's gotten me access to decision makers at the biggest casino and the biggest chain of vehicle inspection centres.

So you don't need the postcard/ letter.

Best,
Ewen

Nathan,

I'm not trying to be harsh (really), but I'll be surprised if your reader gets past the headline or the first few paragraphs at most.

The headline is a curiosity-only headline. Most times that will get your letter tossed immediately. Combine curiosity with a benefit or an emotion, and your prospect will be motivated to read on.

The first few paragraphs are about you. Your reader doesn't know, like or trust you yet, so why should he continue reading?

There's more, but I'm sure others will chime in.

Alex

Thanks guys, that's exactly what I'm looking for.

It's looking like I should scrap it, man up and call. I appreciate it, both of you.

Ewen, yeah that's why I know I have to be lucky on my timing with the fact that they already would have someone. However, you give me hope in that it really can be that simple.

Too wordy for me ... try PITHY:

Mr. Subtle, I'm in awe, and I appreciate it. Thank you very much. That's gold.

I was going to post something insightful about your muddy paragraph structure and redundant transitions, but Mr. Subtle just wiped the floor.

Mr. Subtle, that is one for the ages.

andreas3: I agree, thank you.

Loren: Yeah, I'm getting that it's too much. In fact, the agent above me wanted me to stress the personal service.

I tend to go on... (thank the Lord for this forum). Now I'll check out that book. I really appreciate your thoughts.