What do you think of this letter?

by Harlan
15 replies
Note: this is not my copy. I didn't write it. I have no interest in the site, copy, or product. I'm not an affiliate, an uncle, a nephew etc.

http://fatlossevolution.com/how-did-...s-in-6-months/

Let's here what you say.

I don't love the copy here but I'll let you chime in first and then I'll share my opinion.
#letter
  • Profile picture of the author SashaLee
    Originally Posted by Harlan View Post

    Let's here what you say.
    Hi there,

    I think the headline could be improved:

    "How A Woman Who Couldn't Walk Or Breathe On Her Own Lost 63 Pounds In 6 Months!"

    "How A Woman Who Couldn't Even Stand Lost 63 Pounds In 6 Months!"

    I think the video testimonials should be near the top. They look like real people and imply the product is real.

    Also, it's confusing when he gets to the part about a software program and funding - I think this distracts from the main goal.

    All the best,

    Sasha.
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  • Profile picture of the author Grain
    I have an issue with the whole offer.

    The scarcity thing is a little off. The whole spectrum of prices totally dilutes the decision making process. The number of options itself... Not even sure if it's some kind of pricing strategy, but the reader's spoilt for choice.

    When he was storytelling, he should have started sprinkling some teasers towards the benefits of continuing to read the whole thing. When I see some of those stories in good copy, they always have a way of keeping the reader interested not just for the story, but having it associated with receiving the benefit.

    Also felt like he was jumping steps when he was talking: "I spent the next year pouring over books, attending seminars, and collaborating with other trainers and nutritionists. I realized that I had been doing everything wrong."

    The headline feels like a combination between a testimonial and a 'curiosity' kind of headline. I seriously feel that orientating it towards the benefits would be better. The copy could have placed the before-and-after pic right there as visual confirmation. I really think the phrasing can be improved too. The 'or' seems to slow down the reader.

    The part where the copy builds up to why he thought of a 'bod-e-volv coaching program' was really lame. I also think the copy needs to support with reasons instead of just stating stuff.

    Basically proof elements are there - but it isn't really very believable.
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  • Profile picture of the author hockmasm
    I think the story is poorly written.

    It says he thought there was an earthquake and it was only his wife having a seizure. You then expect that she came down with a sickness. It's not till later you learn she was overweight AFTER she had two kids.

    The beginning is all about "I" which does not pull you in as a reader. And saying his vows were put to the test. Pointless copy.

    The headline saying he had to learn how to fix her because he was a personal trainer made 0 sense to me. If he was a PT then why would she be that overweight to begin with? Also saying everything he learned in college was wrong... he lost all credibility with me when I read that. Especially sense the 3 reasons are so weak. I am into bodybuilding and know that there are many other important things he could have focused on that women want to know about.

    He should also get before/after pictures of the testimonials. How do I know these are not fiverr gig videos?
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  • Profile picture of the author DavidG
    The headline is for prospects who are sophisticated. And the Big Idea seems to attract those who already know whats up. People who understand their problem but only need a solution.

    The Story is good. A great emotional lead. So it seems to attract married couples, or at least women in their 30's or higher.

    I like how there was nothing specific in the story. It seems like anyone would relate.

    Another thing I liked was how the before/after pic was shown way down. It really did seem like a REAL story.

    Any other AD would probably have the before/after right away. Which is good for more desperate prospects... but I'm sure more sophisticated peeps would instantly tell that its an AD.

    Other warriors have a solid point. But these are a few things I found to be good about this ad.
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    I enjoyed the subtle "if she can do it, so can you" messaging. Not Pulitzer writing by any means, but still on the compelling side.

    Funny thing is none of the facts cited is really new - I know women who have hit plateaus HARD after years of working out and they were always told to increase protein/good fats/calories. That always seemed to jump-start the stalled metabolism and get them back in the weight loss zone again. But the way he presents it is definitely interesting. I'd love to know how well it's doing.
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  • Best to be careful.

    Many may think the letter lacks credibility, believability and overall authenticity, has huge congruency problems, and a very confusing convoluted offer...

    But often Harlan pops back and says how extraordinary well the letter is doing.


    Steve
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    • Profile picture of the author Harlan
      Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter View Post

      Best to be careful.

      Many may think the letter lacks credibility, believability and overall authenticity, has huge congruency problems, and a very confusing convoluted offer...

      But often Harlan pops back and says how extraordinary well the letter is doing.


      Steve
      I have no clue as to how this letter is doing.
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      Harlan D. Kilstein Ed.D.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    This is probably just me...

    But why the hell does a Personal Trainer think he's qualified to help someone who's dealing with chronic syndromes and health imbalances? "I had to figure out how to help her. I was a personal trainer and if I couldn’t help her how could I help my clients." That's BS. "I spent the next year pouring over books, attending seminars, and collaborating with other trainers and nutritionists. I realized that I had been doing everything wrong." Um, duh!

    Myth #1: Old news. But the statement about cortisol exposes how ignorant he is. Cortisol is a stress hormone. It's released by the kidneys IN RESPONSE TO STRESS. It doesn't make people gain weight (that's just an extremely well-executed marketing ploy.) It's secreted when inflammation needs to be massively diminished (squelching the histamine reaction.) And the reason WHY it triggered the stress response in his wife is where his focus should have been.

    Blah blah blah... The benefits of Interval Training over cardio for a whole host of things, including losing weight and healing heart disease is well documented.

    Myth #2: Okay, so which fats? There are good ones and bad ones. Be specific - if you're going to bring it up.

    Myth #3: If you utilize a small of weight - adhering to the Internal Training methodology, you'll slim and tone. Again, old news.

    "She didn’t have the energy to cook healthy meals, lift weights and do intervals. The tasks just seemed too daunting." Right, because she was dealing with Adrenal Fatigue. Good job figuring that out. "Despite the depression, fatigue, random collapsing, and inability to breath at times..." All symptoms of Adrenal Fatigue BTW...

    I won't comment on the rest. The credibility and believability factors just aren't present.

    I will say I HATE reading this stuff, because there are a lot of people who need very specific dietary & supplemental support to push their bodies - without potential endangering their lives.

    Mark
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  • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
    I like it.

    Here's why:
    • i like the concerned husband angle
    • I like the "it about your health" angle
    • the story is engaging, and believable
    • Video testimonials are solid with depth with real people (i liked the 6 kids story)
    • i like the mom with kids angle


    Now, I don't like the offer per se. It's really vague. It seems like he's testing the market, so even he doesn't even really know the offer yet.

    I do however like the "kickstarter" model he's using. It's it fun, reduces risk. As in, "If other people are willing to it, then maybe it is a smart choice."

    BTW, 16 have pledged. So, in a way, that in "proof". At least social proof.


    The overall site seems to be designed for conversions, so, they isn't a rookie here.

    I like it.


    Originally Posted by Harlan View Post

    Note: this is not my copy. I didn't write it. I have no interest in the site, copy, or product. I'm not an affiliate, an uncle, a nephew etc.

    http://fatlossevolution.com/how-did-...s-in-6-months/

    Let's here what you say.

    I don't love the copy here but I'll let you chime in first and then I'll share my opinion.
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    • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
      (Looked it over - didn't watch the videos)

      Not bad.

      Implies they don't have to sweat and can
      get a flat tummy eating fatty foods and lifting
      dumbells. Nice one.

      I found it kind of persuasive. Good story.

      In terms of the effectiveness of such an
      weight loss plan, I don't buy it.... but people
      love these kinds of things that promise a
      big change with little effort. If it's truthful
      enough that it can work in theory I guess
      the spin isn't too wildly unethical.

      Interesting crowd-funding idea.
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  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    Originally Posted by Harlan View Post

    Note: this is not my copy. I didn't write it. I have no interest in the site, copy, or product. I'm not an affiliate, an uncle, a nephew etc.

    http://fatlossevolution.com/how-did-...s-in-6-months/

    Let's here what you say.

    I don't love the copy here but I'll let you chime in first and then I'll share my opinion.
    After reading the headline, I thought: Most ill people usually do lose weight.

    The headline isn't good.

    I thought the story could have started off with a big bang. It didn't seem to flow smoothly to me.

    But...

    I found something buried down towards the bottom that I thought should have been the focal point...

    The $10,000 reward. I thought he should have made it the primary carrot...for several reasons.

    $10,000 can seriously motivate. In my opinion, he's overlooking a golden opportunity.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    Am I missing something?

    There's no value communicated here at all. None.

    Who cares if they're using a crowd funding angle. Who cares if they're using the husband telling the wife's story hook. The fact is... there's nothing in the copy that communicates genuine knowledge. The copy itself looks like it was written by someone who put in about 1 hour of time.

    I'm more interested in what they're ommitting about wifey's story - not what they're saying.
    And yes, I guarantee you there's a lot more to it.

    mark
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  • Profile picture of the author ReferralCandy
    Not a big fan of this sort of dramatic promises and weight-loss program to begin with, so I'm skeptical from the start. Just putting that out there.

    I think a lot of people are immunized against this sort of pitch, but the business model here doesn't require those people (like me) to sign up. You just need to persuade your potential clients. So I'll evaluate it from that perspective:

    The husband angle is pretty cool. There are some stylistic/grammar issues "If I couldn't help her how could I help my clients." - should be a question mark, and it's a bit of a cliche statement... but maybe cliches work for this audience. You'll have to A/B test it.

    Ultimately that's the best input I have. You shouldn't even really listen to people like me, because I'm not your target audience. Instead, you should try variations of what you've got and see what works best.
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  • Profile picture of the author David Maschke
    The transition from the idea of weight loss at the headline to the beginning of the letter about his marriage could be a bit better.

    I don't see an obvious USP, that can be sharpened up a bit better too.

    All in all not too terribly bad if the guy wrote it himself without copywriting training.

    (I'm still waiting on yours and Carlton's Incongruent Juxtaposition Pre-supposition Generator)
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    I

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  • Profile picture of the author links123
    [DELETED]
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      It will have a big drop off of readership on the landing page before scrolling down.

      It's so confusing.

      What does the owner want the reader to do...

      1 sign up to a 5 day course on how to lose weight?

      2 sign up to another list to find out how to flatten a stomach?

      3 Read on about a poor woman who couldn't walk or breath?

      4 Decide which social network to let others know about the headline...
      or the 5 day course or about flattening your stomach...
      information on the other side of a sign up form?

      5 Click to read some posts?

      "Nah, not worth the effort thinking about it",
      she says.

      Click.
      Gone.

      Best,
      Ewen
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