PLEASE Give Me Feedback On My Sale Copy

I had a look at your site/page and although it is not something I would be interested in, I did read what I could before I got bored. I did not finish the whole page. This may be just me and as I mentioned, this is not a subject I would normally be interested in so maybe I am the wrong person to answer.

There were spelling and gramatical errors, which always turn me off, and there is a lot of code all over the place. Something is not working correctly on the page.

The header I recognized as a "cooltext" design, so it gives the reader a 'cheap' feeling, (well in my case it did) as Cooltext is free. A great header would be better there.

I would change the buttons too, they look out of place.

Sorry if the critique is not great, I prefer to be honest rather than waste your time.

Regards
Bryce

Hey Andy,

A few quick things just from scanning...

The header graphic, "6 Month Reinvention Program" and headline all kind of compete for attention... I'd strongly consider moving this sales page to a stand alone webpage without the graphic and links at the top.

Headline needs some work too, there's nothing really unique about it.

Also, there's a strong(ish) testimonial right down at the bottom of the page, you don't want it there!

Doing a little reading of your copy, I think a better headline would incorporate - Pick-up Secrets of A Short, Bald, Fat Man etc... - See Carlton's one-legged golfer ad. I imagine it's a hook that's been used a million times in this market, but it's a hook, and that's a start.

Colm

Thanks for the feedback guys! I really appreciate it.

Out of interest is there a difference between American English and Brit English because I kind of lost interest at the first line when I read this:

Have you ever saw a

In Brit speak it would be Have you ever seen...

I agree with the other posters re: the headline. A little repetitive, and as someone esle pointed out, a "One-Legged Golfer" approach might work better.

However, that would require some major changes to the sales letter--obviously, you're going to have to focus on that story and how it affected you.

I like the "It's Not Your Fault" subhead, and I think you should develop that theme and use it as one of the central points of your copy. It's a very powerful statement and in the context of dating advice, it removes the stigma of "not being good with women" from the reader. I think that is probably a big part of the conversation going on in your reader's head--the whole "I'm not good enough, there must be something wrong with me" thing. If you hit that hot button in the right way, with real empathy, and then offer a solution...man, you're golden.

Am I right in assuming this is a live event? If so, maybe it makes sense to try a squeeze page first, then sell the event. That way you have a bigger list to market to for future events...and to sell the event DVDs to.

Hope this helps!

Paul

Oh...and more testimonials! In Johnson boxes, throughout the text of the letter. Preferably with pictures of the guys. Bonus points if they have a hot girl on their arm!

Andy,

First of all, I dig the story. It could be a little tighter, of course, but its' good.

To me, this copy reads like a draft - have you gone over it and tightened up absolutely everything you can, until it snaps and pops?

If not, that's the first thing you have to do.

Secondly, learn when to use "you're". You use "your" instead all the time, which is totally different. This is a small thing but I thought I should mention it.

Paul's advice is golden, BTW.

I think the first bit of the letter needs a serious re-write. The headline sucks, the bit under the headline is weak, and your first couple of pages (until you get to your story) are dry, uninspiring, and boring.

This is a very emotional market; you need to grab your reader's by the balls and squeeze until they feel that very real pain.

Secondly, it's obvious you know your stuff pretty well. You have some great testimonials and you're selling a high ticket item. So show that you know it. I have spent time chatting to Rod (Cortez) who is "The Date Pro" so I know a little about this stuff, although not as much as you obviously. I can see the little bits and pieces in your copy that you've written without thinking about it that show your skills, but others may not see it.

You've got to hit home that you are a pickup MASTER. For God's sake, you've got a testimonial from a guy who was in that book by Neil Strauss. That's powerful. You've got some amazing success stories. That's powerful. Yet you talk about how you learned it by studying books. I don't want that crap. Tell me you're the bomb with women... make me believe it, and then make me believe that you can show me how to do the same thing.

I think your bullets are okay. Like everything else in the copy, they need sharpening, but they are at least passable for now.

To summarize, your letter needs more emotional "oomph", and it needs a LOT more credibility. The story and bullet points are good. The formatting sucks balls.

This is going to be a tricky one to sell IMHO, so you've gotta do good on this letter... or get someone else to do it for you. If you can afford him, I reckon someone like Vin Montello (who has a very aggressive style) would do quite well in this niche... I'm sure there are other great copywriters who would rule this niche, but I can't think of any off the top of my head.

-Dan

Thanks so much for the honest feedback guys. Much appreciated! Basically I copied a lot what Eben was talking about in the Guru Mastermind. As I was writing it I felt like it could be better but I didn't want to sway from the format.

You guys rock!