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Warriors, please rip me to pieces

by jcadrin
9 replies
Hey guys,

Okay. Plain and simple, I have decided I can no longer outsource copy. This is a skill I would like to master myself. So, I have decided on my most recent launch, to write the copy totally alone.

This is the worst sales page I have ever had. I will say that. So please, rip me a new one (constructively, we're all friends here) on what I am doing wrong, and please provide some suggestions!

eBook Creation - Start making money online today! Become self-published. is the sales page

All feedback is greatly appreciated! This is going to be a long road for me I'm sure..
#copywriting #ebooks #pieces #rip #warriors
  • Profile picture of the author laurencewins
    Way too long. You need to fix the grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors too.
    Too many videos. I think that is enough for now.
    Signature

    Cheers, Laurence. Read my Warriors for Hire ad.
    Writer/Editor/Proofreader. Place orders.

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  • Profile picture of the author Michael Foze
    Paragraphs are too blocky.

    Headlines are pretty weak and uninteresting.

    However your 'STOP RIGHT THERE' was effective because I did just that while skimming through the page.
    Signature

    For people in search of explosive content www.chargedfreelancing.blogspot.com

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  • Profile picture of the author Curtis2011
    I will end your suffering by showing you EXACTLY how to write an eBook fast. The next 50 customers can call me direct! Order now.
    This needs to be changed, a lot.

    I would word it like this:

    "How To Write An Ebook In Less Than [short time period]... Free Bonus For First 50 Customers"

    As others have said, your mid-page headlines are weak. They grab attention but they do not communicate actual benefits.
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  • Profile picture of the author James Fame
    How about an education in the format of copy? It normally goes like this...

    Pre-head (if there is one)
    Headline
    Deck copy (if there is)
    Lead
    Etc (separated by subheads)
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  • Profile picture of the author alvinchua91
    Just break up the paragraphs into shorter ones, with less words per line.

    For

    'I will end your suffering by showing you EXACTLY how to write an eBook fast.'

    You can be more specific, such as saying... '....write an eBook in xx days!' or something like that..
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    • Profile picture of the author jimmyvanilla
      Originally Posted by alvinchua91 View Post

      Just break up the paragraphs into shorter ones, with less words per line.
      That was one of the first things I thought when I looked at it.

      You need more white space.

      And break up a few of your long sentences so it 'speaks' a bit more.

      Blocks are great when you're going deep into point, but for the most part you want someone to be moving down the page. Speaking of which, I'd move the video at the top down further so a visitor doesn't stop until they're engaged. You've got to warm them up to you and your message first.

      Just for fun I've rewritten your first paragraph to give you an illustration of what I'm talking about.

      I know that learning to write an eBook is stressful.

      I mean, just getting your head around all the 'variables'...

      But it isn't your fault. There isn't much great information out there. And it's overpriced. Frankly I don't blame you for not buying it. I've been in the same position. I had no idea what to do.
      Can I just say, though - freak'n awesome first shot at sales copy!
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  • Profile picture of the author AstonCopy
    Classic suggestion, overlooked so far. Headline at the top starts with "I."

    "I" don't care about "you," man. I care about me. So talk to me, not about yourself.

    Speaking for myself, I need a little foreplay to reduce my defenses and get me to think about my suffering, my vulnerability. You can't just come out and say it point-blank in the headline without making me feel sketch.

    Speaking as a writer's writer of sorts (who thinks too deeply, too much sometimes), you are never going to end my suffering. It's a known-constant. No amount of money in the world will alleviate it entirely, and I know that.

    Even if you're targeting IMers who want to play writer on the side and hock ebooks (people who aren't "writers" per se), getting them to think about their suffering is an earned privilege, not something you get by being grabby in your headline.

    Your headline makes me feel like you're trying to surreptitiously touch my butt at the bar. You're not going to get very far with something like that. 0:-)
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  • Profile picture of the author d3communications
    If I were you...I'd still outsource your copy for now. Consider it an investment in your education. Then read the Boron Letters and follow Halbert's advice...
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    • Profile picture of the author jcadrin
      Originally Posted by d3communications View Post

      If I were you...I'd still outsource your copy for now. Consider it an investment in your education. Then read the Boron Letters and follow Halbert's advice...
      Hahaha yes, this is not a "live" sales page in the sense that, the actual sales page for this product is a video sales page. This was just my rough draft attempt from following a "template" of sorts.

      I just wanted to follow the guide I received, and then have some of you wonderful people comment so I could learn better.

      Thank you guys!
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