Critique my clickbank salespage please!!

24 replies
Hi guys and girls,

I am developing a salespage for my new product in the weight loss/fitness niche and would love to hear what you think of it (good and bad) I can take it!!

Here is the link

Thanks in advance and have a great day!!
#clickbank #critique #salespage
  • Profile picture of the author Clive Cable
    Hi James

    Just took a look at your sales copy. I don't know if you're sending people to this page who already know, like and trust you. if you are then the headline and lead are both great.

    if not then you may want to start out with a different lead.

    It took the guys over at Agora twenty years to figure out which lead fits which marketplace.

    They updated the work in the book "Breakthrough advertising."

    According to these guys there are 6 main categories of leads to choose from depending on how well your customers or prospects know you and how sophisticated the market you're selling to is.

    I can tell you more if you can tell me who you're aiming your message to.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    It seems like every new fat burning diet program is leveraging the fads to get some attention. It's fine if you want to do that, but if creating polarity is what you're trying to achieve, it isn't working.


    Starting off by talking about working out at home - like it's a novel idea - is the wrong way to go.

    You're beating an archaic drum in this market.

    Forget everything you’ve tried before … It hasn’t worked and it isn’t ever going to work.
    Not true.

    A lot of people get results from all different kinds of programs.

    The reason why they either don't sustain those results, or even worse, gain more weight back than what they started with comes down to lifestyle.

    Dieting isn't something you do to get results, then go back to the shitty habits that made you fat.

    Since you're essentially giving prospects the opportunity to change their lifestyle - not just hop on the latest fad - spell it out for them.

    There are so many websites selling absolutely useless diet and workout programs, and in many cases they lie about the results… Either the creator hasn’t done proper research, actually used the program, or they hooked up with copy experts who know how to twist words to disguise the truth from you!
    Like what?

    I mean, you're absolutely right.

    So dispel some of the biggest lies told in the weight loss, fat burning marketplace.

    Overall, I don't feel like you've really got a strong enough USP or hook here. The copy just feels like it skims the surface - without ever really going deeper.


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  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    I don't like the graphic that pops up at the very top of the page, using up very valuable real estate where you'll want to hit them with a headline that draws them into the copy.

    the problem with this market is... it's super-saturated with big names and big players.

    It's getting harder and harder to stand out... so you almost have to hinge your entire process on standing out and being different... because the fact is, most people HAVE seen and heard it all.

    the unfortunate thing is, you're leading off with the package, so immediately they know you're trying to sell something. but that's just one of the issues.

    James, have you spent time on Clickbank, trying to reverse engineer some of the top fat loss offers?

    I know Fat Loss Factor is doing well, but again, it's different. If I remember right, the copy mentions how you have to first get your body ready to lose fat, and it talks about a certain organ that needs to be cleaned, etc...

    again, it's a different hook.

    What is on your page right now is currently on about 1,000 other pages that mostly sit in the Clickbank graveyard.
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
      Originally Posted by shawnlebrun View Post

      I know Fat Loss Factor is doing well, but again, it's different. If I remember right, the copy mentions how you have to first get your body ready to lose fat, and it talks about a certain organ that needs to be cleaned, etc...

      again, it's a different hook.

      What is on your page right now is currently on about 1,000 other pages that mostly sit in the Clickbank graveyard.
      FLF addresses the liver.

      But there are other underlying causes - keeping people from losing weight that money-making hooks can be built around - just as crucial to balance out.

      I'm working on copy for a homeopathic product that deals with allergies.

      We isolated that there are three underlying causes that make the immune overreact to external allergens: The Gut, The Liver and The Adrenal Response (including cortisol secretion.)

      By addressing these three parts of the body, we can desensitize the immune system and prevent the inflammatory response that creates allergy symptoms.

      Boom. There's the hook.

      So the question is:

      What can you isolate that your program addresses and build a hook out of it that cements your credibility and separates you from, as Shawn put, The Clickbank Graveyard?


      Do You Want To Make 5 and 6-Figures A Month As A Freelance Copywriter? My Copywriting System Has Made Over 600 Million Dollars. Discover More

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  • Clive mentioned Breakthrough Advertising.

    I've posted this before but hopefully it will assist.

    My notes from "Breakthrough Advertising" - I am so hoping I'm not breaking any (c)'s...(full credit for this indispensable information goes to the late great Eugene Schwartz).

    First stage of market sophistication - Is being first in the market.

    Prospects have no sophistication about the product at all.

    So be simple, be direct, just tell it like it is.

    Name either the need or the claim in your headline – nothing more.

    Dramatize the claim in your copy, then bring in your product, and prove it works.

    Second stage of market sophistication - Exists in early competition. And the direct claim is still working

    Copy the successful claim of the first to market, but enlarge on it.

    Eventually claims become unbelievable or lose meaning, like washing powder that cleans ‘whiter than whites’.

    At this stage you are into the third stage.

    Third stage of market sophistication - Prospects have heard all the claims, all the extremes. Now you must distinguish a new mechanism to prove the difference in effectiveness of your products vs. the competition.

    Here you will bring identification of the mechanism into the headline.

    Avoid the competitions claims.

    Shift from what the product does, to how it does it.

    Then the claim can be stated.

    So here in the 3rd stage, the promise itself is subordinated to the mechanism (the process) by which it is achieved.

    In the 3rd stage, new people enter the market, the desire for fulfillment never fades, but dissatisfaction builds up, so the 3rd stage can't be perpetual, it fluctuates into the 4th stage.

    Fourth stage of market sophistication - Elaborating now on the mechanism itself.
    A new stage of elaboration and enlargement. But this time, the elaboration is concentrated on the mechanism, rather than on the promise.

    Simply elaborate or enlarge upon the successful mechanism.

    Make it easier, quicker, surer.

    Allow it to solve more of the problem; overcome old limitations; promise extra benefits.

    Embellishing the mechanism with greater clarity, proof, or augmented aspects of the process

    Fifth stage of market sophistication - Here your market no longer believes the ads. No longer wishes to be aware of your product as it doesn’t satisfy.

    The fifth stage problem is a problem of identification.

    You must create a sense of identification between the product and the prospect.

    Often through visual appeals.

    I know, it takes a few moments to sink in. But work out where your "audience" is at.

    In the "diet/get fit" game they'll certainly be in the 3rd, 4th or very likely the 5th stage.

    When you pinpoint the "stage" you'll have the "formula" for your pitch.

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  • Profile picture of the author Clive Cable
    Excellent Steve

    This is exactly what James needs to do. Although it requires some thinking time, knowing where your market is will help find the unique "hook" to start your promotion.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    God almighty. Are you serious with this schlock?

    "Get stared today" your opt-in says.
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  • Profile picture of the author d3communications
    I'd work on the testimonials, if I were you. Maybe start at the top with a before/after and then a quote from that person. Or 10 before/afters with one or two quotes.

    You have actual, live personal trainers? Then use them up top to personalize the program to the reader.

    It seems like the copy has the "form" of a direct sales letter, but not the "spirit." Like one of the comments up top, find your USP and use that to guide your copy.

    Last, there's no way for visitors to keep an ongoing conversation with you (no ethical bribe). Not sure if the clickbank product is yours or you're affiliating, but I'd work on building your list so you can talk with people directly. Give away a free one-week nutrition plan from your nutritionist or a zumba steps guide from your zumba instructor...something that is of value you can leverage to build.

    It also seems to me that you are targeting women with this product (?...could be wrong). If that's the case, I think your copy comes off as quite masculine, so that's something else to work on.
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  • Profile picture of the author HypeContent
    Without compensation I could not tell you everything that could/should be changed. I will give you my first impressions though.

    The website doesn't seem legit--it has a shady appeal.

    You are using way too many fonts. Typography is very important, use 3-4 max. In fact if not for the fact you are advertising a product it would be only two fonts. One for content, one for headings.

    The images are not high enough resolution and there are too many. This contributes to the shady appeal, which I think would result in traffic not staying on the site.

    The clip-art logo. Need I say more?

    If you're really serious about making this campaign of yours a success I recommend you hire a landing page designer. If you can not afford one, maybe you should rethink your strategies.

    On Fiverr you can get landing page designed, and at better quality than what you have currently.

    Disclaimer, I am being as nice as possible--I hope I didn't seem too harsh.

    I'm recently new to the forum after a long time of lurking about. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
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    • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
      Originally Posted by HypeContent View Post

      Without compensation I could not tell you everything that could/should be changed. I will give you my first impressions though.

      PLEASE don't take this the wrong way, because I'm simply trying to share something that has helped me immensely over the years.

      That one statement you wrote above.... if you want to be really successful, I'd change it AND your mindset.

      The way I approach this forum and any emails I get to my online biz or my ad agency: Let me help as many people as possible... let me help them get what they want, no charge, and I expect and ask for nothing in return.

      Yep, I don't care about compensation up front, I'd rather PROVE my merit by showing the prospect I've got the goods.

      In fact, when I "wow" them with tips and techniques that work right away... they no longer feel that I'm trying to "sell them"

      Nope, they see me as a trusted advisor, coach, mentor, etc... and they then start to chase me instead of me doing all the chasing to get clients.

      And the funny thing is, since adopting that philosophy, I literally get more clients than I can handle, from here and my other marketing efforts.

      I've worked with over 1,000 clients since 2001, and spent tens of thousands of dollars on marketing the first few years.

      The last five years have been my most profitable, have worked with the most clients, and literally turn 2 to 3 clients away each day for small jobs.

      And I haven't spent more than $100 in advertising online in those 5 years.

      Honestly, the more you help prospects, while expecting nothing in return, you will see a dramatic improvement in business.

      Try it, seriously, it works.

      Again, i don't mean to sound critical or negative, I just noticed your post count and thought that this mindset shift would help you and other newer writers.

      Sh*t, when I started adopting that same mindset and philosophy with my online businesses... most went from 6 to 7 figures alone.

      And the only change? I gave away the goods up front, instead of wanting money initially.

      Don't be greedy... show you've got what they need, and you'll be amazed how many clients come knocking on your door.
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  • Profile picture of the author alvinchua91
    1) Yup... Remove the banner at the top. I think it would help. Your headline is way more attention grabbing than the banner.

    2) A BIT too fanciful... It looks like a beautiful sales page, but there's a little too much graphics/colors going on. Just downplay with the colors and stuff so that the focus is more on the message

    3) I like that there is the App and Facebook thing... Seldom seen.

    4) Why is there no picture of Helen Hall? I only see fruits for her pictures. lolol

    5) I have tested and tried on my page and I realized that putting the product up front, right at the top of the sales page may actually do harm... In the sense that if people are looking for information, they would be immediately turned off and you would have no chance to hook them in.

    But like the above poster Clive Cable said, if you are sending this to people you already know (subscribers etc.), then it's fine

    6) Hope I helped! Do tell us your progress.
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      James, have you surveyed your market?

      If not you've got your priorities wrong.

      They tell you what they want,
      what's missing, reasons why and the language they use.

      Only your market can tell you that,
      not a marketer or copywriter.

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  • Profile picture of the author Jonathan Emanuels
    I would recommend you to use the AIDA principle.

    You grabbed my attention, but because it was so long I had no interest anymore.
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  • Profile picture of the author ContentPro22
    Not bad

    You broke up your content beautifully. It's very easy on the eyes and I can follow the product description with ease.

    Keep it up!
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    • Profile picture of the author Cool Hand Luke
      Originally Posted by ContentPro22 View Post

      Not bad

      You broke up your content beautifully. It's very easy on the eyes and I can follow the product description with ease.

      Keep it up!
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      • Profile picture of the author ScottDudley
        Without spending too much time, my first impressions were to remove the banner at the top. There is way too much going on at the top of the page.

        The headline isn't bad, but could be a lot better. There must be thousands of similar headlines being used at the moment, and it doesn't really stand out as anything new.

        And my other observation is that there is too many pretty images on the page. You want the sales copy to sell the product, not the images. A few images here and there is OK, but it I reckon there are too many on your page.

        Scott Dudley is a direct response Copywriter from Perth, Australia, who also specializes in writing sales letters and emails for his clients. You can see samples of his portfolio at or contact him on Skype by adding the username: Scott_Dudley

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  • Profile picture of the author markpocock
    As many of the other guys have said your headline has been seen a zillion times before. It's a tired promise.

    You need a new slant. A new angle.

    Your market is probably at stage 4 sophistication. This means you need to add mechanisms to your headline.

    The other main problem is you're showing the product too quick. What happens when somebody tries to sell to us? Our resistance to being sold to goes up.

    You need to earn the right to sell to the prospect first.

    Try and make your advertising valuable.

    Don't make it look like you're selling to the reader.

    hope this helps


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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    BYA: This is awful. So awful, I don't know where to start.

    About the only nice thing I can say is it renders well on my Galaxy Note.

    - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    Hey James!

    Where is you my man?

    The point of starting a thread and asking for feedback is to engage and take action.

    I worry.


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  • Profile picture of the author James Raybould
    Hey guys,

    Sorry been away for a while. Thanks very much for your comments and thoughts and I am taking them all on board and amending the sales page to reflect some of the ideas that have been suggested and will keep you posted.
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  • Profile picture of the author mmchael
    Your page is overwhelming and complicated.

    Why are you different to all the other weight loss/fitness programs out there? What's your position?

    Who is your target? It seems you are going for people already educated in fitness and health programs.

    What's your story? Who are you? Why did you put this product together? Why Should someone trust you? It's not there

    There is too much in the product which makes it overwhelming and confusing. Ultimately people want to swallow a pill and look FAB! My gut for this sector tells me people want to spend less time, put in less effort, sweat less, they want confidence, they want to look great, they want others to see they look great.... what are the benefits?

    This is a sector that is appealing to a compulsion and guilt and dreams and desires. There is no emotion on your page.

    There is no flow in the copy. It does not seem to start with a unique premise and build to a "God! I need to buy this!" But if you answer the above questions you'll start fix this problem.

    With the right perspective you can whip this into a stellar page that will convert. I do think you need to start from scratch with your copy. And as mentioned in previous posts fix your Typography and do not go so wide - it's harder to read and scan.

    There is a lot of competition because these products sell. These types of products have sold for decades and new ones keep coming along and selling well. You just need to hit the right position and sell it - go for a more emotional approach in your copy. Tell stories. Tell your story.
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