Critique my clickbank salespage please!!

Hi James

Just took a look at your sales copy. I don't know if you're sending people to this page who already know, like and trust you. if you are then the headline and lead are both great.

if not then you may want to start out with a different lead.

It took the guys over at Agora twenty years to figure out which lead fits which marketplace.

They updated the work in the book "Breakthrough advertising."

According to these guys there are 6 main categories of leads to choose from depending on how well your customers or prospects know you and how sophisticated the market you're selling to is.

I can tell you more if you can tell me who you're aiming your message to.

It seems like every new fat burning diet program is leveraging the fads to get some attention. It's fine if you want to do that, but if creating polarity is what you're trying to achieve, it isn't working.

Likewise...

Starting off by talking about working out at home - like it's a novel idea - is the wrong way to go.

You're beating an archaic drum in this market.

Not true.

A lot of people get results from all different kinds of programs.

The reason why they either don't sustain those results, or even worse, gain more weight back than what they started with comes down to lifestyle.

Dieting isn't something you do to get results, then go back to the shitty habits that made you fat.

Since you're essentially giving prospects the opportunity to change their lifestyle - not just hop on the latest fad - spell it out for them.

Like what?

I mean, you're absolutely right.

So dispel some of the biggest lies told in the weight loss, fat burning marketplace.

Overall, I don't feel like you've really got a strong enough USP or hook here. The copy just feels like it skims the surface - without ever really going deeper.

Mark

I don't like the graphic that pops up at the very top of the page, using up very valuable real estate where you'll want to hit them with a headline that draws them into the copy.

the problem with this market is... it's super-saturated with big names and big players.

It's getting harder and harder to stand out... so you almost have to hinge your entire process on standing out and being different... because the fact is, most people HAVE seen and heard it all.

the unfortunate thing is, you're leading off with the package, so immediately they know you're trying to sell something. but that's just one of the issues.

James, have you spent time on Clickbank, trying to reverse engineer some of the top fat loss offers?

I know Fat Loss Factor is doing well, but again, it's different. If I remember right, the copy mentions how you have to first get your body ready to lose fat, and it talks about a certain organ that needs to be cleaned, etc...

again, it's a different hook.

What is on your page right now is currently on about 1,000 other pages that mostly sit in the Clickbank graveyard.

Clive mentioned Breakthrough Advertising.

I've posted this before but hopefully it will assist.


My notes from "Breakthrough Advertising" - I am so hoping I'm not breaking any (c)'s...(full credit for this indispensable information goes to the late great Eugene Schwartz).


First stage of market sophistication - Is being first in the market.

Prospects have no sophistication about the product at all.

So be simple, be direct, just tell it like it is.

Name either the need or the claim in your headline – nothing more.

Dramatize the claim in your copy, then bring in your product, and prove it works.


Second stage of market sophistication - Exists in early competition. And the direct claim is still working

Copy the successful claim of the first to market, but enlarge on it.

Eventually claims become unbelievable or lose meaning, like washing powder that cleans ‘whiter than whites’.

At this stage you are into the third stage.


Third stage of market sophistication - Prospects have heard all the claims, all the extremes. Now you must distinguish a new mechanism to prove the difference in effectiveness of your products vs. the competition.

Here you will bring identification of the mechanism into the headline.

Avoid the competitions claims.

Shift from what the product does, to how it does it.

Then the claim can be stated.

So here in the 3rd stage, the promise itself is subordinated to the mechanism (the process) by which it is achieved.

In the 3rd stage, new people enter the market, the desire for fulfillment never fades, but dissatisfaction builds up, so the 3rd stage can't be perpetual, it fluctuates into the 4th stage.


Fourth stage of market sophistication - Elaborating now on the mechanism itself.
A new stage of elaboration and enlargement. But this time, the elaboration is concentrated on the mechanism, rather than on the promise.

Simply elaborate or enlarge upon the successful mechanism.

Make it easier, quicker, surer.

Allow it to solve more of the problem; overcome old limitations; promise extra benefits.

Embellishing the mechanism with greater clarity, proof, or augmented aspects of the process


Fifth stage of market sophistication - Here your market no longer believes the ads. No longer wishes to be aware of your product as it doesn’t satisfy.

The fifth stage problem is a problem of identification.

You must create a sense of identification between the product and the prospect.

Often through visual appeals.


I know, it takes a few moments to sink in. But work out where your "audience" is at.

In the "diet/get fit" game they'll certainly be in the 3rd, 4th or very likely the 5th stage.

When you pinpoint the "stage" you'll have the "formula" for your pitch.


Steve

Excellent Steve

This is exactly what James needs to do. Although it requires some thinking time, knowing where your market is will help find the unique "hook" to start your promotion.

God almighty. Are you serious with this schlock?

"Get stared today" your opt-in says.

I'd work on the testimonials, if I were you. Maybe start at the top with a before/after and then a quote from that person. Or 10 before/afters with one or two quotes.

You have actual, live personal trainers? Then use them up top to personalize the program to the reader.

It seems like the copy has the "form" of a direct sales letter, but not the "spirit." Like one of the comments up top, find your USP and use that to guide your copy.

Last, there's no way for visitors to keep an ongoing conversation with you (no ethical bribe). Not sure if the clickbank product is yours or you're affiliating, but I'd work on building your list so you can talk with people directly. Give away a free one-week nutrition plan from your nutritionist or a zumba steps guide from your zumba instructor...something that is of value you can leverage to build.

It also seems to me that you are targeting women with this product (?...could be wrong). If that's the case, I think your copy comes off as quite masculine, so that's something else to work on.

Without compensation I could not tell you everything that could/should be changed. I will give you my first impressions though.

The website doesn't seem legit--it has a shady appeal.

You are using way too many fonts. Typography is very important, use 3-4 max. In fact if not for the fact you are advertising a product it would be only two fonts. One for content, one for headings.

The images are not high enough resolution and there are too many. This contributes to the shady appeal, which I think would result in traffic not staying on the site.

The clip-art logo. Need I say more?

If you're really serious about making this campaign of yours a success I recommend you hire a landing page designer. If you can not afford one, maybe you should rethink your strategies.

On Fiverr you can get landing page designed, and at better quality than what you have currently.

Disclaimer, I am being as nice as possible--I hope I didn't seem too harsh.

I'm recently new to the forum after a long time of lurking about. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

1) Yup... Remove the banner at the top. I think it would help. Your headline is way more attention grabbing than the banner.

2) A BIT too fanciful... It looks like a beautiful sales page, but there's a little too much graphics/colors going on. Just downplay with the colors and stuff so that the focus is more on the message

3) I like that there is the App and Facebook thing... Seldom seen.

4) Why is there no picture of Helen Hall? I only see fruits for her pictures. lolol

5) I have tested and tried on my page and I realized that putting the product up front, right at the top of the sales page may actually do harm... In the sense that if people are looking for information, they would be immediately turned off and you would have no chance to hook them in.

But like the above poster Clive Cable said, if you are sending this to people you already know (subscribers etc.), then it's fine

6) Hope I helped! Do tell us your progress.

I would recommend you to use the AIDA principle.
Attention
Interest
Desire
Action

You grabbed my attention, but because it was so long I had no interest anymore.

Not bad

You broke up your content beautifully. It's very easy on the eyes and I can follow the product description with ease.

Keep it up!

As many of the other guys have said your headline has been seen a zillion times before. It's a tired promise.

You need a new slant. A new angle.

Your market is probably at stage 4 sophistication. This means you need to add mechanisms to your headline.

The other main problem is you're showing the product too quick. What happens when somebody tries to sell to us? Our resistance to being sold to goes up.

You need to earn the right to sell to the prospect first.

Try and make your advertising valuable.

Don't make it look like you're selling to the reader.

hope this helps

Mark

BYA: This is awful. So awful, I don't know where to start.

About the only nice thing I can say is it renders well on my Galaxy Note.

- Rick Duris

Hey James!

Where is you my man?

The point of starting a thread and asking for feedback is to engage and take action.

I worry.

Mark

Hey guys,

Sorry been away for a while. Thanks very much for your comments and thoughts and I am taking them all on board and amending the sales page to reflect some of the ideas that have been suggested and will keep you posted.

Your page is overwhelming and complicated.

Why are you different to all the other weight loss/fitness programs out there? What's your position?

Who is your target? It seems you are going for people already educated in fitness and health programs.

What's your story? Who are you? Why did you put this product together? Why Should someone trust you? It's not there

There is too much in the product which makes it overwhelming and confusing. Ultimately people want to swallow a pill and look FAB! My gut for this sector tells me people want to spend less time, put in less effort, sweat less, they want confidence, they want to look great, they want others to see they look great.... what are the benefits?

This is a sector that is appealing to a compulsion and guilt and dreams and desires. There is no emotion on your page.

There is no flow in the copy. It does not seem to start with a unique premise and build to a "God! I need to buy this!" But if you answer the above questions you'll start fix this problem.

With the right perspective you can whip this into a stellar page that will convert. I do think you need to start from scratch with your copy. And as mentioned in previous posts fix your Typography and do not go so wide - it's harder to read and scan.

There is a lot of competition because these products sell. These types of products have sold for decades and new ones keep coming along and selling well. You just need to hit the right position and sell it - go for a more emotional approach in your copy. Tell stories. Tell your story.