First Timer-How'd I do? (Long form sales page critique)

13 replies
Hi all,

I am venturing into copywriting for my first time with this piece. Would love to get your feedback on the page, the content, etc.

â€"End Suffering From Anxiety In 42 Minutes” - Dr. Robert Dee McDonald

How can I make it better??

After receiving your feedback and making adjustments, I will be promoting the page and product to my list of people who are seeking therapy for anxiety.

Thank you for your time and suggestions.

Best,
Corey
#critique #form #long #long form #page #sales #timerhowd
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    "Dear Anxious One" made me laugh out loud.

    Are you really a doctor? And is that a real photo? Are the testimonials real? What has "My The Rapist Match dot com got to do with it?

    My personal mission in life is to heal and be healed. My vision is a world populated with healers. And my purpose is to create Heaven on Earth.
    Sigh.

    Are you for real? This is truly dreadful.
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    • Profile picture of the author prosperityone
      Hi Copy Nazi,

      Thanks for your (honest) comments.

      "Are you really a doctor?" Yes
      "And is that a real photo?" Yes
      "Are the testimonials real?" Yes
      "What has "My The Rapist Match dot com got to do with it?" Good point - I'll remove.

      Personal mission, etc. too much? It is authentic and meant to connect with the reader, but may it rub people funny the way it is written.

      Also, I am not Dr. Robert. Rather, I am his business partner, Corey. I am helping him to sell his product.

      From your comments, it seems that the page is not very credible or believable...

      Thanks.

      Corey
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  • Profile picture of the author prosperityone
    One question: In your opinion, would the page perform better with an image of the product, or not?

    Currently I have left it off, and will test this, but wanted to see if anyone had any success with l/f sales pages that don't include an image of the product.

    Thanks,
    Corey
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    • Profile picture of the author Cool Hand Luke
      Originally Posted by prosperityone View Post

      One question: In your opinion, would the page perform better with an image of the product, or not?

      Currently I have left it off, and will test this, but wanted to see if anyone had any success with l/f sales pages that don't include an image of the product.

      Thanks,
      Corey
      When you have a question like this, a good rule of thumb is to have a look at what the best-selling products in your niche (and others) are doing.

      Considering literally all of them have ecover images on the sales page, well... there's your answer.
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      • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
        Your real doctor may be suffering from what other real doctors I've worked with suffered with...

        ...not wanting to spend real money to make money.

        Couple years back I advised one who wanted to establish a directory site as your doctor mentions toward the bottom of the page, yet did not want to spend the money required to get the job done.

        Needless to say, I just checked the domain and it is parked and for sale.

        Buying a template and plugging in words will not help you except in saving money, but if you don't make money, what have you saved.
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        • Profile picture of the author prosperityone
          OutOfThisWord,

          Point taken. Thank you.

          Would you happen to have any recommendations for a great designer who could help with the design/branding work?

          Best,
          Corey
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          • Profile picture of the author ScottDudley
            Corey, for a first try at a sales letter, I honestly reckon that is a pretty good effort. Most of the body copy is really well written.

            Some tips:
            • "Dear Anxious One" has to go. People won't take you seriously after reading this at the beginning. Just stick to "Dear Friend".
            • I think you could do a better job with the headline. I'm not sure if many people would respond to what you have now. Think about the core benefit that the prospect would get from buying your product.
            • The sub headline lost me a bit with the first two sentences. I think you could completely remove both of those sentences.
            • The design lets you down a bit, and could be improved a lot. The beige backgrounds inside the boxes look terrible to be honest.

            I'm pretty good at the design side of things if you want to discuss fixing this up. A sample page of mine can be found at http://salesdomination.net/natural-born-hair-raiser/

            Contact me if you're interested.
            Signature

            Scott Dudley is a direct response Copywriter from Perth, Australia, who also specializes in writing sales letters and emails for his clients. You can see samples of his portfolio at http://scottdudley.net/blog/portfolio/ or contact him on Skype by adding the username: Scott_Dudley

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  • Profile picture of the author prosperityone
    Point taken, thanks Luke.
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  • These types of letters always feel distant and clinical to me. You say "I understand..." I'd rather hear a story where you (or someone) really were anxious. What happened? How did you feel? Describe it. Let me feel what you felt. More empathy, less sympathy.

    Consider the openings to these two stories as described here.

    #1

    "It was the worst day of her life. She had walked in her husband cheating on her with two women. She was deeply angered while feeling massively betrayed."

    #2

    “So the year is 1987, and I’m coming home 7 hours earlier than I was supposed to from a business trip, and I pull up to the house and I see some piece of s*** Toyota parked in my driveway and I think, ‘I’ve never seen that car before? Who the f*** is here at 11:30 at night?’

    "I park and get my bags and when I walk in the door the stench of weed smoke fills my nostrils and I hear Pink Floyd “Learning To Fly” playing at a medium volume and as I turn the corner into the living room… I’m slammed with the sight of my husband laid out on the carpet wearing nothing but his socks..."

    Setting aside the language, which may not fit for your target market, which story would you rather read more?

    Clearly you won't have this kind of wild story, but the point of view, emotion, detail, narrative, immersion, conflict, and use of the senses in the second version is instructive.
    Signature
    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
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    • Profile picture of the author prosperityone
      Joe Golfer, great feedback and I see why it is needed. We are developing Robert's anxiety story for the page.
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  • Profile picture of the author Cool Hand Luke
    LOL. A quick glance at the OP's sales page shows that even after several days, he hasn't made a single change or implemented any suggestions from this thread. Typical.
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    • Profile picture of the author prosperityone
      Hey Luke,

      Hang on - I am reading each reply very closely and am learning tons. I am waiting on the graphics for the products to be finished, then will revise the page, implementing what I've learned here. Will update the thread when done. Should be this wk.

      Thanks!

      Corey
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  • Profile picture of the author Sean Fry
    It isn't half bad, but it's not great. Needs...more. A better hook, and a riviting story that really pummels their pain buttons. You could do that by making it personal, tell your own story of how you overcame anxiety. Or tell a story of one of your clients. Make it extraordinarily vivid and compelling.

    Even though there is clearly a market for this, you're gonna have to do a lot to prevent people from just giving in to the easy way out; getting a prescription for anti-anxiety meds, turning to the bottle, or whatever escape mechanism they prefer. This means you're going to really have to hook them in and really make them believe that they can overcome their anxiety.

    They've probably already tried everything. They're at their wits end, they believe they're stuck with their anxiety for the rest of their life. You're going to have to do a lot to get them to take action. Some of them might already be on various benzo's and what not, so you're going to have to make them believe that you can do a better job than their meds.

    How can you prove to them that you'll be able to cure them? Testimonials can help, but it's going to take more than just that. You'll need to build trust. There isn't enough transparency in this letter.

    Why the hell is this a long form sales letter? This should be a VSL.
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