First Timer-How'd I do? (Long form sales page critique)

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Hi all,

I am venturing into copywriting for my first time with this piece. Would love to get your feedback on the page, the content, etc.

â€"End Suffering From Anxiety In 42 Minutes” - Dr. Robert Dee McDonald

How can I make it better??

After receiving your feedback and making adjustments, I will be promoting the page and product to my list of people who are seeking therapy for anxiety.

Thank you for your time and suggestions.

Best,
Corey
#copywriting #critique #form #long #long form #page #sales #timerhowd
  • Banned
    "Dear Anxious One" made me laugh out loud.

    Are you really a doctor? And is that a real photo? Are the testimonials real? What has "My The Rapist Match dot com got to do with it?

    Sigh.

    Are you for real? This is truly dreadful.
    • [1] reply
    • Hi Copy Nazi,

      Thanks for your (honest) comments.

      "Are you really a doctor?" Yes
      "And is that a real photo?" Yes
      "Are the testimonials real?" Yes
      "What has "My The Rapist Match dot com got to do with it?" Good point - I'll remove.

      Personal mission, etc. too much? It is authentic and meant to connect with the reader, but may it rub people funny the way it is written.

      Also, I am not Dr. Robert. Rather, I am his business partner, Corey. I am helping him to sell his product.

      From your comments, it seems that the page is not very credible or believable...

      Thanks.

      Corey
  • One question: In your opinion, would the page perform better with an image of the product, or not?

    Currently I have left it off, and will test this, but wanted to see if anyone had any success with l/f sales pages that don't include an image of the product.

    Thanks,
    Corey
    • [1] reply
    • When you have a question like this, a good rule of thumb is to have a look at what the best-selling products in your niche (and others) are doing.

      Considering literally all of them have ecover images on the sales page, well... there's your answer.
      • [ 1 ] Thanks
      • [1] reply
  • Point taken, thanks Luke.
  • These types of letters always feel distant and clinical to me. You say "I understand..." I'd rather hear a story where you (or someone) really were anxious. What happened? How did you feel? Describe it. Let me feel what you felt. More empathy, less sympathy.

    Consider the openings to these two stories as described here.

    #1

    "It was the worst day of her life. She had walked in her husband cheating on her with two women. She was deeply angered while feeling massively betrayed."

    #2

    “So the year is 1987, and I’m coming home 7 hours earlier than I was supposed to from a business trip, and I pull up to the house and I see some piece of s*** Toyota parked in my driveway and I think, ‘I’ve never seen that car before? Who the f*** is here at 11:30 at night?’

    "I park and get my bags and when I walk in the door the stench of weed smoke fills my nostrils and I hear Pink Floyd “Learning To Fly” playing at a medium volume and as I turn the corner into the living room… I’m slammed with the sight of my husband laid out on the carpet wearing nothing but his socks..."

    Setting aside the language, which may not fit for your target market, which story would you rather read more?

    Clearly you won't have this kind of wild story, but the point of view, emotion, detail, narrative, immersion, conflict, and use of the senses in the second version is instructive.
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
    • [1] reply
    • Joe Golfer, great feedback and I see why it is needed. We are developing Robert's anxiety story for the page.
  • LOL. A quick glance at the OP's sales page shows that even after several days, he hasn't made a single change or implemented any suggestions from this thread. Typical.
    • [1] reply
    • Hey Luke,

      Hang on - I am reading each reply very closely and am learning tons. I am waiting on the graphics for the products to be finished, then will revise the page, implementing what I've learned here. Will update the thread when done. Should be this wk.

      Thanks!

      Corey
  • It isn't half bad, but it's not great. Needs...more. A better hook, and a riviting story that really pummels their pain buttons. You could do that by making it personal, tell your own story of how you overcame anxiety. Or tell a story of one of your clients. Make it extraordinarily vivid and compelling.

    Even though there is clearly a market for this, you're gonna have to do a lot to prevent people from just giving in to the easy way out; getting a prescription for anti-anxiety meds, turning to the bottle, or whatever escape mechanism they prefer. This means you're going to really have to hook them in and really make them believe that they can overcome their anxiety.

    They've probably already tried everything. They're at their wits end, they believe they're stuck with their anxiety for the rest of their life. You're going to have to do a lot to get them to take action. Some of them might already be on various benzo's and what not, so you're going to have to make them believe that you can do a better job than their meds.

    How can you prove to them that you'll be able to cure them? Testimonials can help, but it's going to take more than just that. You'll need to build trust. There isn't enough transparency in this letter.

    Why the hell is this a long form sales letter? This should be a VSL.
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
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