Critique Sales Letter Please, Expert or not. (2 Cent Opinions Welcome)

Hey Roy,

Your design needs sorting as it's cheapening your product.

It looks like it's a page from 5+ years ago. The blue background doesn't fill the screen. Get rid of the white space below your headline. You've got boxes inside boxes inside boxes and it's cramping your close. Move the legal stuff outside the main content area. There's also a rogue letter d in the bottom left hand corner.

Hi, I see this kind of sales letters very often, and I never read them till the end. Maybe try to loose some content, and use more animation, more bullit poibts to shorten the text and tell them faster what you wanbt to sell and how great the product is?

You'd be better off just buying an HTML template for a minisite and using that, the design is a disaster area. Ditto with the graphics. Creates massive credibility problems, so moving on to the content.

Your opening is too vague emotionally. "You'll be lost in the crowd" , "you'll be obsolete"... is this ACTUALLY the danger that they're facing? Is your story aimed at people who somehow became successful without a niche and then got taken over by other smaller companies who were able to specialize?

Or is your story about people who haven't been able to get off the blocks and are struggling because they're in fields with competition that spends 4 figures a month on their success while they're piddling with a 2.0 blog?

2 - Whats the promise of the headline? The system is so good that I'm going to get paid if I manage to blow it. Why is this promise not mentioned or followed up on until the end of the letter?

The 'My story" section is vague, not structured like a story, has no emotional impact. It's like you just put in there because you'd seen other people do it. Who are you, where have you made the money from, why do you have so much empathy with the reader. What responsibilities are you putting on the reader (to ward off too good to be true, people make a lot of promises)...

Are your niche selection tips going to help me if I'm giving you my last $20?

"Here's what that means to you ... - You'll Enjoy A Bigger Advantage!
- You'll Have A Bigger Edge!
- You'll Experience Better Odds of Succeeding! ..."


Redundant. Finally, explain how I make money with this on a non-theoretical level. If you're marketing this as "a piece" it needs to be written for intermediate marketers, completely different angle.



Thanks for sharing and good luck.

Hi Nicheman,

You have to rewrite your intro. paragraphs. You'll lose a lot of people right there. You start talking about niches and you assume they know they need a niche. You have to get them into the copy first and then explain why they need a niche...ie. first tell them they are leaving thousands of dollars on the table. Why and how? They are not working in a niche.

Your design, as mentioned, has to be revamped. Too narrow, too many boxes etc. Your design seriously interferes with the flow of the letter.

Plus, your type of product really calls for a story about your customers or you as the creator of the product. Review any good sales letter with a story in it about the creator of the product and use that as a template. See Yanik Silver's sales letter at www.getfitwhileyousit.com.

I think you can dramatically improve your story in your letter. A small note: you can write a better subheadline than "Learn From My Story"...very weak.

In short, use this letter as a springboard to write a much stronger letter.

Best,

Thomas O'Malley

Hi niche man

try giving something more specific than this promise right at the begining...


Or I'll Pay You Cash For Trying!

I like your design overall. Your headline is an attention grabber. I'd suggest making your buy button much bigger and drawing attention to it. Right now it's pretty small and hidden. Also maybe include a second button somewhere further up, so someone can sign up if they want without having to scroll all the way down. Maybe put it just above the bonuses.

Nicheman - There's no story. A good sales page is a story. Look at the great examples of copyrighting. They all tell a story.

Don't just have one try at a sales page. Write and produce many with different stories and different approaches. I'd rather see 10 different sales pages to critique than 1. It's only time and each version you do sharpens your skills. Pages themselves do not cost to put up on the net.

Some story ideas - this is not to hit the mark but to work up to them. Most will be crap but don't be afraid to toss them around. Like a muscle the more reps the strong the muscle. So here we go for a few minutes.

"95% of people waste months and years finding a way to make money. I know the secret you need to know right now that will save you those months and years."


In a few months from now you could either be banging your head still or rolling in the cash. I've worked with many people who were banging there head looking for ways to crack it and simply have a nice little business that gave them freedom but you know the big mistake they made before I helped them?

Everyone makes this mistake. And it's frustrating to see.

They try to do too much, try too many different businesses and waste hours, days and months roaming looking for that get rich quick secret. Let me tell you there is a much easier way.

The secret is a laser sharp focus. No distractions, No rabitt holes and a plan of clear uninterrupted activity that will see you on a path of continual growth.

That secret is known to all the successful business people and marketers.

Pick a niche and focus.

But that's not all - through my years of experience I'll take you through all the secrets you need to know to be able to fully exploit that niche with simple strategies, action items.....

Ok got that out... so you go again try another story


"I CRACKED IT!. It was 2am and I awoke with the most amazing enlightened feeling ever. It was like a light of brilliance was smashed over my head."


I have to share this with you.

I had been frustrated, overwhelmed and tired for days. This really was a breakthrough moment for me and it's the kind of thing that will save you from the same frustration I experienced.

Sure I read all the facts, People told me this and that but it never really clicked. Then one clear, starry night I said to myself I am going to crack this, in the morning I will wake up and take a different approach.

POW 2 am I was awake. NICHE. NICHE. NICHE. This was crazy. I had read and heard this before but everything just started streaming through and around my mind. I grabbed my Notepad and pen and started writing in a frenzy. all my years of experience just flooded through in an instant. It all came out and clear.

..... mroe

I wrote up all my notes and shared this with all my business clients. They were buzzed, they were excited.
New life came back into them. They had new strategies to revitalise their business lives. This knowledge was helping people.
.... more

I've published all this breakthrough information to share with you.... more

End


I spent 10 minutes there and they're rough as guts and full of problems but what I am trying to share is how to try and craft a story into your offer and spend an hour just writing - roughly, bad even but justy write and outline stories. Capture attention and then roll them into reading. A story format is more believable. And you can write many different stories and try them out with people around you or back on this forum

I see you sales page is getting better and better, but still it is so long, why do you want it to be so long? Or maybe I should ask, does it really have to be so long?

I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this yet, but I would use a picture of you smiling. It's more inviting and approachable.