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1st Time writing a Video script? Am I awful? - (Kindly Critique)

by IndiForce
7 replies
I am not a copywriter by profession and I am sure you can tell by seeing the script below :-) I am a big fan of Cialdini & been reading cashvertising by drew eric whitman. And for over a week, I have been spending time reading all you copywriting gurus. this copy writing forum is just awesome!

I am creating a 1 minute video with a voice over & animation for my co.

Can you please critique this?

Jane is busy managing the marketing for her company. She knows her company has to be online. But she doesn't have the time to deal with many agencies who can advise her & who are experts in building websites, Facebook marketing, facebook apps, advertising on google, Search Engine Optimization and creative design. This is giving her sleepless nights. Presenting ABC - an integrated IT & Digital agency. We have built 100s of websites, Facebook Apps & ecommerce stores. Advertised billions of Ad impressions on Facebook & Google, acquiring millions of Fans & buyers for ecommerce websites. ABC has vast experience working with small & medium businesses & fortune 500 companies. Now Jane can go back to building her business knowing she has a Trusted Digital Partner in ABC. See our testimonials to find out how some of the leading marketers in India are using our services.

I am trying to address a customer pain point, presenting our creds & including social proof.

How did I do?
#1st #awful #copy writing #critique #kindly #sales script #script #time #video #video script #writing
  • Profile picture of the author stephenmarsh
    I feel bad for posting so infrequently, then posting just to offer a critique!

    But one thing I'd definitely do is pull the emotion out more. That'll help you poke that pain point.

    For example, within the constraints of the time and space you have, open with more of a sense of how Jane feels.

    Busy is just activity. Is she stressed? Frantic? Equally, it's good to say she doesn't have time to deal with agencies etc, but could you dramatise it? For example: 'That's another call she won't have time to make today.'

    EDIT: In fact, I only just realised this is my very first post! Wow. Now I'm starting my reputation here as a critic.
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    • Profile picture of the author IndiForce
      Originally Posted by stephenmarsh View Post

      I feel bad for posting so infrequently, then posting just to offer a critique!

      But one thing I'd definitely do is pull the emotion out more. That'll help you poke that pain point.

      For example, within the constraints of the time and space you have, open with more of a sense of how Jane feels.

      Busy is just activity. Is she stressed? Frantic? Equally, it's good to say she doesn't have time to deal with agencies etc, but could you dramatise it? For example: 'That's another call she won't have time to make today.'

      EDIT: In fact, I only just realised this is my very first post! Wow. Now I'm starting my reputation here as a critic.
      Thanks Stephen.

      Jane is busy managing the marketing for her company - I am trying to address the fact that she is already busy with her 'traditional' marketing job & doesnt have time for digital marketing. And it looks like that differentiation doesnt come through in the copy.
      ------------------
      Jane is busy managing the marketing for her company. She knows her company has to be online. But she doesn't have the time to deal with many agencies. This is giving her sleepless nights. She needs an agency who can advise her right & who is an expert in building websites, Facebook marketing, facebook apps, advertising on Google, Search Engine Optimization and creative design. In short, Everything Digital!
      Presenting ABC - an integrated IT & Digital agency. We have built 100s of websites, Facebook Apps & ecommerce stores. Advertised billions of Ad impressions on Facebook & Google, acquiring millions of Fans & buyers for ecommerce websites. ABC has vast experience working with small & medium businesses & fortune 500 companies. Now Jane can go back to building her business knowing she has a Trusted Digital Partner in ABC. See our testimonials to find out how some of the leading marketers in India are using our services.
      ----------------
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    Herre's a quick write up to give you a little more personality:

    "Meet Jane.

    Jane is the head of marketing for her company.

    She's a busy gal.

    She knows that without highly qualified, targeted traffic, her company's website can't generate a dime.

    And that makes Jane search for todays top traffic-driving-innovators to help her achieve maximum online visibility.

    After all...

    Without the right eyes seeing Jane's marketing masterpiece, she's letting her company's competitors steal their sales.

    ABC gets it.

    We've helmed hundreds of successful advertising campaigns for businesses in every top marketing space - including Fortune 500 companies.

    We know the secrets for leveraging Social Media, Google Adwords and SEO to provide Jane with the passive exposure her company needs to financially thrive.

    Jane's finally getting highly qualified, targeted traffic onto her company's website.

    She's happy.

    We're happy.

    Just another success story.

    We'd love to discuss your unique challenges and opportunities.

    Contact us for a free evaluation of your marketing and IT.

    Just like Jane...

    You'll be glad you did."

    Mark
    Signature

    Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More

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    • Profile picture of the author IndiForce
      Mark, I was showing my wife (ad agency background) what I wrote & she said it is 'nice'. go figure. And then your msg pops in my inbox.

      We read it together & are like "whoa, that's some copy"

      i cant thank you enough Mark. that was just brilliant.

      Just a quick note. We are an integrated agency that also builds facebook apps, responsive websites & ecommerce stores and companies think they just need one agency like us. If I include our tech capabilities, would I be spreading myself thin? would it take away from the theme? I plan to use your recommendation as is, if you think otherwise.


      Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti View Post

      Herre's a quick write up to give you a little more personality:

      "Meet Jane.

      Jane is the head of marketing for her company.

      She's a busy gal.

      She knows that without highly qualified, targeted traffic, her company's website can't generate a dime.

      And that makes Jane search for todays top traffic-driving-innovators to help her achieve maximum online visibility.

      After all...

      Without the right eyes seeing Jane's marketing masterpiece, she's letting her company's competitors steal their sales.

      ABC gets it.

      We've helmed hundreds of successful advertising campaigns for businesses in every top marketing space - including Fortune 500 companies.

      We know the secrets for leveraging Social Media, Google Adwords and SEO to provide Jane with the passive exposure her company needs to financially thrive.

      Jane's finally getting highly qualified, targeted traffic onto her company's website.

      She's happy.

      We're happy.

      Just another success story.

      We'd love to discuss your unique challenges and opportunities.

      Contact us for a free evaluation of your marketing and IT.

      Just like Jane...

      You'll be glad you did."

      Mark
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      • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
        Originally Posted by IndiForce View Post

        Just a quick note. We are an integrated agency that also builds facebook apps, responsive websites & ecommerce stores and companies think they just need one agency like us. If I include our tech capabilities, would I be spreading myself thin? would it take away from the theme? I plan to use your recommendation as is, if you think otherwise.
        You can easily add that stuff in.

        By the way...

        Never listen to your wife or mom ;-)

        Mark
        Signature

        Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More

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        • Profile picture of the author IndiForce
          Thanks Mark!! Will try to fit it in. I promise not to mess it up :-)
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  • Profile picture of the author d3communications
    I'm not a fan of third-person copy (e.g. Jane is a ...). If your target is a chief marketing officer or marketing vp type, then I suggest you address them directly. Address their concerns and needs.

    For example:

    Are you in responsible for your company's marketing? Yeah, we feel your pain.

    Everyone has advice for you. Everyone has an opinion.

    They think watching a season of Mad Men makes them an expert.

    "Yeah, you should be online."
    "Hey, social media is the next big thing, I hear."

    Not very helpful.

    But THEY aren't responsible for your company's success. YOU are.

    And, we don't have to tell you how much pressure you're under. You're up to your eyeballs in five different projects, and now the boss comes in and tells you he wants a full online marketing strategy on his desk by Monday morning.

    So.

    There go your plans for the weekend.

    Or, maybe not.

    [and go on from there]

    Anyway, hit their pain spots, let them know you understand, and then toss them a rope and pull them out of the deep waters.

    Just my $0.02.
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