I think my copy stinks :o(

13 replies
I created a site for a realtor friend and while it is getting a little bit of traffic b/c it's a new site, I'm not seeing many people sign up for the list.

I am NOT a copywriter...especially now that I am being proven right every day that goes by without any new leads getting generated.

Please, could you look over my site and tell me what stinks about it?

I'm working on getting more traffic to the site, but I know more traffic won't help if the copy stinks.

HELP!!

Edited: Here's the link: www.HomesForSale-WilsonNC.com
#copy #copywriting critique #stinks
  • Profile picture of the author barefootsusan
    See...told you my copy stinks.

    homesforsale-wilsonnc.com
    Signature

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  • Profile picture of the author dona94
    [DELETED]
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    • Profile picture of the author janet444
      When I went to the link, there was a pop-up and on top of that, there was a box with a video. I couldn't read the pop-up because the video was in front of it.

      Once I got rid of those things, here's what I noticed.

      The headline just says Home for Sale in Wilson NC. That's okay. It does tell you what the site is about and that's good. It's not terribly persuasive, but it'll do.

      Then it talks about Jennifer. It's an About page, not a home page. You need to talk about the reader, not about Jennifer. And you need to talk about the benefits to the reader of choosing Jennifer as his/her re agent. The copy does mention why these facts about her would help the reader, but not until later. I know, it's not much later. But you have to set the tone from the beginning. Talk about the reader and then talk about why Jennifer is a good choice for him/her.

      The benefits do come up in the video, and there is a testimonial in the video, but not everyone is going to watch the video, especially if you don't give them a reason to in the copy.

      Put the benefits mentioned in the video into the copy and definitely put the testimonial in the copy. Take out the word "About" which appears twice.

      There are so many sign-up forms for free info now that it's not that easy to get someone to give up his/her name and email address. So the copy needs to interest the reader.

      The copy for the opt-in form is kind of vague. Home buying tips. Biggest pitfalls is better, but it's still vague. And the part about the free gift is confusing. Is the free gift the home buying tips? Is it an email course? A PDF file?

      I suggest you improve the copy of the page in general, and then be more specific in the opt-in form.

      I hope this is helpful.

      Janet
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  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    Janet nailed it.

    Who cares about Jennifer if all people want is their home sold?

    Is Jennifer one of those gold people sales people who have sold $1 million in houses a month? Then TELL people. Did she win any awards for making the most sales in a given time period? Then TELL people. Is she a new sales person and never made any sales? Then TELL people and explain that since she has never made any sales she will work harder than *anybody* else out there and do it for less commissions just to break into the industry etc.

    People are selfish, so you need to cater to that.

    Again, if all people want is their home sold who cares about Jennifer?
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  • Profile picture of the author AnneE
    Remember to include, what's in it for your customer? Now each customer is different, some want fast-action, some don't want to be pushed, some want a bargain.

    One appeal of a realtor is someone who will remember me, their client and work with me in the way that fits my need. I also want someone who I can trust. If your realtor has lived in the area for years and is someone that I might be seeing at the school open house or Little League game, well then I feel more confident that they will want me to really like the house (if I'm buying).

    I didn't watch the video. I think you have to work under the assumption that the video is perhaps a closing effect, cement what you've said in your copy.

    I also didn't even really notice the sign-up box. And to me the sign-up is kind of a different tone than the About this Realtor. I might even have two pages each with a signup box ... one that talks about the realtor and how great she is to work with and have a signup box where they can indicate what they are looking for and whether they would like to be contacted and if so, how... mail, email, phone

    And maybe another page that gives some hints about these Home Buying Tips... maybe cover one tip and then say... to learn about ALL the .... send for your free report. But give a glimpse of why they should bother with asking for the report. That way you can have the signup box right in with the text and it's a natural, they are reading along, hopefully saying, "Oh, that's good advice. This person knows what they are talking about." and then here is an option to get MORE good advice for free... oh, sure... I want that.

    Just my two cents.
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  • Profile picture of the author magic456
    Hey man,

    Good job! Here are few pointers might help:

    1. The signup form needs to be fixed as it is clashing with the video. Some time back I actually had my squeze page with video. So when people went to the site the video and sign up took over. Lot of people watched the video because they knew it was importnat.
    2. You have no heading right now and I need to read the whole paragraph before I find out what the video is about. I would make a compelling headline that makes people wanna watch the video.
    3. And I do need more content. Right now I fel like you have nothing to contribute.

    I do not know anything about your industry but telling you the thoughts that came to my mind when I was on your site.

    Good Luck mate!
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Before sticking a pop-up in the visitor's face have a short blast of text explaining why your friend is different than the rest of the pack. Right now the copy reads like 50 million other boring Realtor blurbs.

    I'd suggest she would tailor her appeal to a specific niche. It might be the first time homebuyer, people upgrading for the first time, or people looking for a rock-bottom price deal. Then she needs to prove she can deliver.

    Short sale specialists are cleaning up now. So it would be nice if she could offer proof that she can get her new customers a great deal by submitting short sale proposals.

    This is only one approach but I believe she needs to grab their attention using a CREDIBLE and EXCITING written pitch before trying to run a video. Just my opinion...
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  • Profile picture of the author David Raybould
    The good news is that your page is nice
    and short.

    You'll usually do better with a shorter page
    for lead capture like this, provided you cover
    all the bases.

    But here's the bad news...

    That popup/video issue is just killing
    this for you. I know more than the
    average web user about page coding
    etc, and that tells me these guys
    shouldn't be trusted with my money.
    Imagine what a layman is thinking?

    Aside from that, make the copy about
    the reader, not about Jennifer. She
    may be great at her job, but all the
    reader cares about is what that
    translates to for them.

    If this were my site, I'd boil the text
    down to three hard hitting bullets,
    put them below the video, make
    the video slightly larger and align
    it on the left of the page. Then I'd
    put the opt in box directly
    opposite the video, with a big red
    arrow pointing to it.

    That should get you a much higher
    converting site.

    Good luck

    -David Raybould
    Signature
    Killer Emails. Cash-spewing VSLs. Turbocharged Landing Pages.

    Whatever you need, my high converting copy puts more money in your pocket. PM for details. 10 years experience and 9 figure revenues.
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    • Profile picture of the author elsvirtual
      Ugghh, another realtor-site-that-looks-just-like-all-the-others site.

      Well, the video is a good try to stand out. But...here's what I think you should do:

      Scrap that whole page and put it back up as an advertorial. You've got the opt-in box saying:

      FREE Home Buying Tips!
      Avoid the Biggest Pitfalls of a
      Home Purchase by Claiming
      Your Free Gift Below.

      So why not write an advertorial like "Discover How to Avoid the 10 Biggest Home-Buying Pitfalls So you Keep More Cash in Your Pocket!"

      Or: "Warning: Do NOT Hire an Agent Until You Read This FREE REPORT About the 10 Most Common Home Buying Pitfalls and How You Can Save Thousands of Dollars and Frustration"

      Of course, the advertorial will advertise the "Free Report" and put the fear of everything bad into potential buyers.

      Then put the opt-in box at the end so they're brains can digest the info and see the value in giving the contact info.

      Also, you need to work on the SEO. The title you have is wasting precious keyword space and needs to be revised to improve organic search results.

      Hope this helps!
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  • Profile picture of the author barefootsusan
    Holy moly...I take the day off for Mother's Day and come back to find some AMAZING tips on this crazy website!!!

    Thank you ALL so very much. I will be taking each and every comment to heart and seeing how I can implement your great ideas.

    I know the mess with the video stinks. Gotta figure out that one first, I guess. (
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  • Profile picture of the author Mike Williams
    Susan,

    1. The popup issues need to be fixed. This is your biggest problem. Currently things are not even displayed properly with is the death knell for conversions.

    2. Congruence is another one of the most important aspects of conversion and it's something that's lacking on your site.

    Your video says I'm signing up to get a call from you. The box says I'm signing up to get a free report. Which is it?

    Pick ONE main benefit they'll get when they sign up and break down the reasons why that's so valuable in your bullet points.

    3. I'm a little nervous about this call. Are you going to pester me for weeks at three in the morning? Is my number safe with you? Will it be sold to tele-marketers?

    Answer these questions for me and you'll see conversions shoot up an order of magnitude.


    4. Put yourself in the shoes of your prospective client and go over every single word on this page. If any sentence, phrase or even word leaves you able to say:"so what?" delete it and come up with something that more directly responds to a need that your client has.

    I've got about six more tips for you but time is short.

    If you'd like to know all of them and have me actually rewrite your page so it oozes with the proven direct response tactics of the copywriting gods you should contact me at mikewilliams770@gmail.com

    Best Regards,

    Mike Williams
    DangerousCopy.com
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    • Profile picture of the author David Maschke
      Your Dream Home Is Waiting
      For You To Move In

      Expert real estate agent in the Wilson, NC area will answer the following questions for you...
      • Is a foreclosure your best option?
      • What is a short sale and how can it save you money?
      • Are the local schools, hospitals and retail stores in the area suited to your needs?
      • Are there any convicted sex offenders in the area?
      • How will the falling home prices affect you now and in the future?

      Buying A Home Is
      The Single Most Important Decision You Will Ever Make In Your Life.

      Hello, my name is Jennifer McHarg and I have made it my mission in life to put you in a affordable, beautiful home that will allow you to live the lifestyle you've always dreamed about.

      I'll be more than happy to answer ANY AND ALL QUESTIONS you may have regarding your home buying needs.

      Simply fill in your Name, email and phone number in the boxes below, and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Usually the same day.


      Barefootsusan, there is a thought process already going on in a homebuyers mind. You have to enter that thought process and talk to them on that level. Do not talk about Jennifer in the third person, write like Jennifer is writing the letter.

      ~~Dave Maschke

      Signature

      I

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