[HELP!] Critique my sales page PLEEEZE!

48 replies
[HELP!] Critique my sales page PLEEEZE!

Hi fellow warriors,

I fiiiiiinally completed my first info product and I fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinally finished my sales page, and I'd really appreciate some feedback.

I've been putting in a lot of hard work throughout this process- studying, and writing, and reading, and writing, and thinking, and writing, and planning, and re-writing, ...and did I mention I've been writing too? oh muh goodness it's been a long road and I feel like i've only just begun...

Anyway, this is my 2nd version of the sales letter, ...i'm a lil scared but like i said I'd love some honest feedback. Please keep in mind that I'm still pretty new at this and I'm trying my best.

click here!

Thanks in advance
#critique #page #pleeeze #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    The video script is well written.

    But it doesn't have a strong emotional PUNCH.

    The voiceover comes across of just reading the script - more than SELLING the script.

    Make sense?

    And you've gotta have some sort of call-to-action at the end of it - instead of it simply being a primer for the sales letter.

    I actually like your 5 secrets.

    That being said...

    I fear they'll go over the heads of some of your audience.

    Agitate the purpose for those secrets some more.

    Also...

    I'd start the video off with your story and expand upon it a little more.

    It kind of feels buried - as is.

    Out of curiosity, what information are you drawing upon as the basis of your secrets?

    LOA? Hicks? Something else?

    Anyway...

    I use video and copy all the time.

    If that's your intention, I'd use the video to dive right into your main marketing message - be it through your story or the 5 secrets.

    Then use your copy for the slow build and agitation.

    I didn't read too much of the copy.

    But the beginning needs to be completely redone.

    It's not about following instincts.

    It's more about having the right awareness' and using them to create your life, specially attracting your real love, from a place of internal empowerment.

    I'm just giving you my interpretation of what I heard in your video.

    Mark
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    'The video script is well written" - the chancer above says. Uh...no. Complete...frigging...Dud.

    See, the energy you give off works together with the energy of everything else around you, around Earth, surrounding Earth, and reaches distances we can’t even measure.
    Uh huh.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    these secrets will turn you into a virtual man magnet
    Gosh! Gotta get you some of that...you girls. I mean - who doesn't want to be a "man magnet"?
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  • Profile picture of the author Iceware
    So is this for single or girls wanting to cheat?

    It seems weird because it doesn't really say what your getting and these secrets I'm about to share with you will make you sales copy better.

    I'm confused because it says the 5 secrets to finding the one but the video gives the secrets out. And it never talks about a product which it should.

    The text is really cumbersome and again doesn't talk about a product for a while. It is super long and as that is some times good this one is super long lol.

    Bolded bullets of what you actually get would help.

    Hope This Helps
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  • Profile picture of the author serryjw
    LOVER...As a female, in a male world(Warrior)...My opinion...I wouldn't give anyone 11 minutes of my life w/o know where this is going. I think you need a 1 minute SIZZLE vid with high emotional impact, so they want to listen to the other 10 min vid. ( I'd even break up the 10 minutes in 2 vids)
    The sales page is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy to long. I am 90% down the page before i know what it costs...IMO you need sub headlines with the cost...It puts them at ease that they can afford the product, so it worth their time to continue reading.
    Namaste
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    • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
      seems like a black woman's voice from the ghetto.

      is your target black men? looking for big booty?

      something to think about.
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      • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
        Originally Posted by DavidG View Post

        Get your avatar down. I'm sure you've seen everyone talk about this. But write down exactly what your prospect goes through day in and day out.
        David is absolutely right.

        Get your ideal customer totally transparent in your mind's eye.

        You've made your copy way more complicated than it needs to be (or should be.)

        That's why I asked you what the basis is for your program.

        Your beliefs are coming through loud and clear.

        But are they the beliefs of your ideal prospect?

        Is SHE going to resonate with this kind of pitch?

        Or would something that's way more, um, dumbed down work better?

        Again...

        I'd start with focusing on your story.

        Position yourself alongside your ideal female buyer.

        You're using language (especially in the sales letter) that won't fly.

        Also...

        This might help:

        Imagine how you'll be driving traffic onto the site.

        If you're going to hit more middle-of-the-road type women - looking for true love (or at least a more fulfilling relationship,) you've got to connect with their circumstances and beliefs. Not yours.

        Empty your cup a little bit and make some room for different perspectives.

        Mark

        Originally Posted by copyassassin View Post

        seems like a black woman's voice from the ghetto.

        is your target black men? looking for big booty?

        something to think about.
        Adam, Adam, Adam...

        We've got to help you be more blunt. No pussyfooting around.
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      • Originally Posted by copyassassin View Post

        seems like a black woman's voice from the ghetto.

        is your target black men? looking for big booty?

        something to think about.
        Very unprofessional and ignorant advice to pass on to another fellow warrior. Did you even watch the whole VSL to notice it was targeted towards women and not "black men"?

        I really don't get the "big booty" part??

        How is a black woman from the ghetto suppose to sound? Because if the voice over is your definition of a black woman from the ghetto then maybe you should start driving through the hood more often and find out.

        But in all reality, only you tarnish your name and waste people's time reading what you posted.
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      • Profile picture of the author The Niche Man
        Originally Posted by copyassassin View Post

        seems like a black woman's voice from the ghetto.

        is your target black men? looking for big booty?

        something to think about.
        Excuuuse me. The correct
        pronunciation is "bootay!"
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        • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
          I probably could of made my point more pc.

          Here's the real take away value:

          Will your ideal prospect positively respond to your message?

          That's the test.

          And if ur target is black women, then a black voice is right.

          If u want a certain specific subset within the black female population, get that particular voice.

          The more specific u are regarding your ideal target (age, race, ethnicity, income range, author figures, biases) the better u can sell them.

          Now, I did do a poor job at articulating my point. A little offensive perhaps.

          However, the issues remains: will your ideal target identify with the voice.

          Testing is your only answer.

          Btw, how are u generating traffic?

          Very important !!!!!!

          Are u geotargeting as well?

          I didn't mean to offend.

          I want u to make money.

          Remember this: be for a specific person. Speak to them and their biases. Reinforcement. Provide hope. Encourage them. Be their solution.

          Adam.

          Ps. I did my first post while watching America's got talent when the act "booty" was on. Plus, I have professional athletes as clients. I know what they attract. That's how I know about baller alert.
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          • Originally Posted by copyassassin View Post

            I probably could of made my point more pc.

            Here's the real take away value:
            Will your ideal prospect positively respond to your message?
            That's the test.
            And if ur target is black women, then a black voice is right.
            If u want a certain specific subset within the black female population, get that particular voice.
            The more specific u are regarding your ideal target (age, race, ethnicity, income range, author figures, biases) the better u can sell them.
            Now, I did do a poor job at articulating my point. A little offensive perhaps.
            However, the issues remains: will your ideal target identify with the voice.
            Testing is your only answer.
            Btw, how are u generating traffic?
            Very important !!!!!!
            Are u geotargeting as well?
            I didn't mean to offend.
            I want u to make money.
            Remember this: be for a specific person. Speak to them and their biases. Reinforcement. Provide hope. Encourage them. Be their solution.

            Adam.

            Ps. I did my first post while watching America's got talent when the act "booty" was on. Plus, I have professional athletes as clients. I know what they attract. That's how I know about baller alert.

            copyassassinAdam-

            A little offensive? Perhaps?

            I understand that seeing and hearing people that look and sound like you will increase receptivity, but guess what? I have white people talking to me all day, and despite the fact that they don't sound like me or look like me, I still manage to hear what it is they have to say, especially if they are knowledgeable and the subject matter resonates with me.

            My target audience is women, which i happen to be one of. Why wouldn't my ideal prospect respond positively to my message? Why wouldn't my audience identify with me? The only reason I could imagine is if they had the same racist tendencies that you appear to have. (which, unfortunately, may be something I have to take into consideration.)

            Doesn't it suck that we all can't be wealthy white people??
            Next time, think twice before you so carelessly introduce race as an issue.

            ...now...

            I do subscribe to the belief that you shouldn't get offended unless the other person was intentionally trying to be offensive...

            so in regard to your question of how I'm generating traffic, I have no earthly clue and I'm quickly finding out how much I suck at it. I've done some yahoo answers and youtube, but not much traffic has resulted from those efforts. I'm trying to build up some funds for paid advertising but don't really have much $ at the moment...

            So I will accept some *top notch* traffic-generating advice as a peace offering from you - Your best free methods and a detailed plan of how you yourself would spend $500 to generate targeted traffic.

            P.S. Make it good!
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            • Profile picture of the author The Niche Man
              lover and fighter:

              You're getting a lot of good top dollar advice.
              Here's my 2 cents - from a niche marketing point of view.

              Your message sounds from the heart. But I think one of your biggest problems (as stated before) is your niche is not targeted enough.

              Please don't make the rookie mistake of trying to be all things to all people. Or in your case trying to focus on all women.

              You said you only have $500. So, it's critical to your projects survival that you make your niche as narrow and focused as possible - or your money (and opportunities) will be gone in a flash..

              Don't kick me too hard, but Copy Assassin stumbled on the right direction you should go in.

              Your focus should be on the "African American woman" market. And it should reflect in your sales page from top to bottom.

              Let there be no doubt or question who you're talking to. If other women want to buy-in that's the gravy.. But you've got to be like ... BET, TVOne and Essence magazine when it comes to your focus.

              Here's why just off the top of my head ....

              #1... That's the market you probably know more intimately than any other - a huge plus for you. You've been there and done that. You can see their hidden problems, you know the ones most people don't know about ... or even discus. You've lived it. Right?

              #2...
              There's marketing channels in place you can use to get to your target market for low and even no cost. Websites, blogs, newsletters, organizations, etc.

              #3...
              The "African American Woman Trying to Find a Man" market is Super Hot. It's probably second only to the hair care market now.

              You have the product, all you need is the niche ... And then work it girl!

              Think about it, if a man (Steve Harvey) a stand-up comedian by trade, can write a book telling women how to find a man, that tells you how hot the market is.

              So, in closing do this.
              Get a notepad and create a specific profile of who your target woman is. Age, race, education, likes, dislikes, hobbies, problems, challenges, habits, hangups, relationship history. The more you know the better you can target them.and your message.. If you can't write at least 25 traits - you don't know your target market enough.

              When you're finished, this is who you're targeting. Not every woman looking for a man, but this specific woman.

              Maybe even choose a female relative, sister, cousin, or friend whose looking for "The One" and pretend you're writing to them through your sales letter and video. It will work wonders.

              There's more I can say but I've got to get back to work.. Good Luck.
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              • I am genuinely shocked right now in regard to the race issue my thread has somehow spawned.


                The Niche Man-

                Are you serious? Do you only target black people based on the sole reason that you yourself are black?

                Do you feel that white women should only target other white women? Latinos should only target people of Spanish descent? Asians should only target other Asians? Regardless of their message?

                To say I should target black women ONLY BECAUSE I'M BLACK is ridiculous.

                There's absolutely *nothing* wrong with targeting a specific race when your message is specifically tailored to them orif that's what you want to do.

                However
                , that is not my vision, intention, or goal. It's not like my message only applies to black women.

                My message is for ANY woman who is struggling with overcoming mental and emotional limitations on the path to finding inner peace and genuine love.

                It goes beyond race. Color has nothing to do with it.


                On that note...

                I appreciate those who have contributed, but
                IF YOUR COMMENT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH RACE, KINDLY KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.


                I'll be working on revamping my site over the next few weeks, and I'll be back to request another critique when i have made some further progress.

                Thanks again,
                lover and fighter
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                • Profile picture of the author Marvin Johnston
                  Originally Posted by lover and fighter View Post

                  I appreciate those who have contributed, but
                  IF YOUR COMMENT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH RACE, KINDLY KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.
                  Your post has made more hubbub about that than all of the other posts combined. Just saying.

                  Getting a good voice over artist as suggested above would be a really good idea. The information that seemed good was pretty much buried by the way it was presented.

                  You've done a lot more than most people in just getting it up, so kudos for that.

                  Marvin
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                • Profile picture of the author The Niche Man
                  Originally Posted by lover and fighter View Post

                  I am genuinely shocked right now in regard to the race issue my thread has somehow spawned.


                  The Niche Man-

                  Are you serious? Do you only target black people based on the sole reason that you yourself are black?

                  Do you feel that white women should only target other white women? Latinos should only target people of Spanish descent? Asians should only target other Asians? Regardless of their message?

                  To say I should target black women ONLY BECAUSE I'M BLACK is ridiculous.

                  There's absolutely *nothing* wrong with targeting a specific race when your message is specifically tailored to them orif that's what you want to do.

                  However
                  , that is not my vision, intention, or goal. It's not like my message only applies to black women.
                  I'm not saying you should target African American women
                  "just" because of your skin color - but because of your intimate
                  experiences and stories.

                  The market you're in is incredibly competitive.
                  You're competing against celebrities, relationship therapist on talk shows, and million dollar ad budgets.

                  So, your best shot at surviving when you're
                  starting out is to focus on a specific target market.

                  You pick one. I just suggested African American women, because
                  1. They're easy to reach for less
                  money.

                  2. You can speak intimately to their concerns
                  better than Dr. Phil, for example.

                  3. You have a starving market. Over 60% of African American women have
                  never been married. The highest of any nationality (U.S. Census Bureau)

                  Don't look at what I or a few others say as being racist. It's called "Target Marketing". You can always expand as money comes in.

                  Don't be offended. For example, cars, burgers and discount stores have nothing to do with
                  race - but you see auto companies, Mc Donalds
                  and Walmart target African Americans, Latinos
                  and women in many of their ads and commercials.

                  That may not be racist... but smart business.

                  The only way to tell ... is to test.

                  - Peace and Blessings
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  • Profile picture of the author DavidG
    Anyways, now that my colleagues have given FANTASTIC critiques... let me offer a bit of advice...

    Whats the ONE SPECIFIC problem you solve?

    In your case, finding "The ONE" isn't specific.

    Let me show you how to do it...

    Get your avatar down. I'm sure you've seen everyone talk about this. But write down exactly what your prospect goes through day in and day out.

    Kind of like a journal. Just write who she is, what she does and what keeps her up at night.

    What does she BELIEVE about love? How does she feel when she sees other couples smiling and having fun together?

    Does she get jealous? Does she get mad because of failed past relationships? Or does she get sad or teary because she yearns for that type of romantic love?

    What does she fear? What keeps her up at night relating to this specific problem?

    If your prospect is a 30something woman... is she scared she won't ever get married? That her time is running out?

    Is she scared to give somebody her trust after all of the failed relationships... even marriages?

    It has to be a VERY specific problem and you have to obviously be able to solve it.

    So once you have all of this jot down... if I were to give you a wand (your product)... what would you instantly give her? In detail, not just the solution.

    So how would it help her in her everyday life? How would her life change?

    Then go google "digital romance" and look at the products and sales videos. Figure out what resonates and how you can fix your avatar to better match your prospect...

    Buy something if you have to.

    And of course for additional research... read forums, magazines... what would you eagerly share with your avatar to help her out with her problem?

    Once you have all of this down... you'll roughly know what to say in your lead to grab their attention.

    You'll have some emotions, some beliefs, and some pains she goes through every day...

    Then you promise how you'll help her.

    But you have to do it emotionally. Salt her wound. Show her you understand so she can listen to you...

    But remember, it all has to resonate to her specific problem. And you have to be careful with her beliefs. Don't say anything that contradicts what she thinks she KNOWS about love.

    Instead, use her beliefs (even if you disagree) as a starting point to logically make a case for your product and why she would need it.

    Just to give you an idea... in the product section of "digital romance," you'll see a something called "Secret Survey"...

    Check the VSL. The first sentence in that VSL is... "You've been lied to by everyman you've ever met.."

    It's fair to say most women who need dating advice has had problems with liars. So that one line alone, resonates deeply with most women out there. And they'll listen.

    That's what you have to do for your ideal prospect.

    You can't promise benefit after benefit. You have to show her you understand. And make subtle, powerful promises in between.

    Then test and let the market decide what works. Then tweak the letter little by little.
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  • Profile picture of the author maxfactor
    There's some big blocks of text. Most Internet readers have short attention spans. I'd suggest breaking up into smaller paragraphs, and making more use of headings, subheadings, and different fonts and colors to draw attention to your main points.
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    • Well... I asked for it... and I got a bit more than I bargained for in this one.

      First of all I would like to thank everyone for checking out my page and a special thanks to those who responded with useful and intelligent feedback.


      Mark-
      You really seem to know your stuff, and I hear you when you say reading vs selling and including a clear call to action. I'm a beginner at this and don't yet have enough money to hire a professional, so I guess I need to work on sounding the part. I'm also hearing you say results are more important to highlight vs. my biased advice, is this what you mean when you say to dive into the marketing message? Slow build and agitation... I'll have to think about that some more and review my copy.

      I was trying to tie in instincts because I see them as the basis for using the secrets, be real with yourself, be authentic, follow your gut, don't get caught up in all the madness going on in your head type thing. ...but I see where you're going with the internal empowerment being more fitting.


      The Copy Nazi-
      it's true about energy. Literally, not figuratively. Science completely agrees. A famous formula by Einstein equates mass/matter and energy. E=MC2. Also, check out quantum mechanics. Freaky stuff. I don't know a lot about it, but as I understand it, energy and matter are inherently linked, and they don't necessarily obey a particular set of "laws" like gravity or common sense expectations. (ex: light exists as a particle AND a wave at the same time) An excerpt from the wikipedia definition of energy includes the following explanation:
      "Any object that has mass when stationary (thus called rest mass), equivalently has rest energy as can be calculated using Albert Einstein's equation E = mc2. Rest energy, being a form of energy, can be changed to or from other forms of energy. As with any energy transformation, the total amount of energy does not increase or decrease in such a process. From this perspective, the amount of matter in the universe contributes to its total energy. Similarly, all energy manifests as an equivalent amount of mass."

      Slightly off topic, but really interesting when you get into it. At this time our methods of measurement and abilities in understanding are extremely limited, but don't be so fast to dismiss stuff like this- it has universal implications. But I hear what you're saying- a bit "woo-ish".


      Iceware-
      you made me lol when i read your post. do I say "secrets" too much? i was concerned about that Talk about the product sooner, message received. Bolded bullets is a good tip, thanks.


      serryjw-
      thaks for a woman's perspective. I hear you too... I was wondering about the vid being attention-grabbing enough.


      DavidG-
      I was struggling with exactly what you mention... I'm a member of my target audience, but as Mark added to your comment, I may have to take a step outside my own mind and my own beliefs to get a better feel of my target audience. I settled on finding "the one" because it was more universal, but I guess i need to go in the opposite direction and be more specific. I'll have to give that one some more thought. Research, test and tweak- i hear you.


      Mark-
      simpler, focus, resonate/relate. Get out of my own head and get into theirs. Will do.

      maxfactor-
      I tried breaking up the text but maybe not enough. Thanks

      Again, thanks to all!
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      "How does the Meadow flower its bloom unfold? Because the lovely little flower is free down to its root, and in that freedom bold." ~William Wordsworth

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      • And to copyassassin/Adam, you get a separate post just for you. You should feel special.

        I have to assume that you have the ability to give useful advice judging by all the "thanks" you have received from past posts, although that is not at all evident by the very ignorant remark you made.

        What does me sounding like "a black woman from the ghetto" have to do with anything? Are you saying that my message is less relevant simply because of my perceived race? Did you even listen to or read anything on the page? Are you saying black women have nothing intelligent to say? Are you saying the only thing a black woman is good for is attracting black men who love big booties?

        Wow.

        Your mentality is sad, and the fact that you could even reference that ballerific site only lets me know that you're keeping tabs on and have a thing for black women, while at the same time appearing to have racist tendencies. You're so confused you don't even know it.

        The only thing I can do for you is pray that you find a more sensible and realistic view of black women and the value they can offer.

        Get a clue.
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        "How does the Meadow flower its bloom unfold? Because the lovely little flower is free down to its root, and in that freedom bold." ~William Wordsworth

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        • P.S.Adam: You should've seen what I wrote before I edited myself.
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          "How does the Meadow flower its bloom unfold? Because the lovely little flower is free down to its root, and in that freedom bold." ~William Wordsworth

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          • Profile picture of the author Deseado
            Sometimes the best man for the job is a woman

            Long Copy Sells Better than Short Copy - David Ogilvy

            Special mention to DavidG that was pretty epic I wasn't even going to reply after I read that definitely great advice there

            When I was an awful human being before i met my 'the one' I used to use a value eliciting technique on women I liked, basically "If you could have any super power what would it be" and I pretty much only ever got one of two responses;

            Mind Reading and Flying

            Straight away I knew the Hot Button if we're talking sales jargon. Now i'm not advocating sweeping judgement calls for such a large target demographic but the core premise of my story is to position your communications around the hot button in this instance what I ascertained was that the individual woman either valued 'Trust' above all things / had a fear of not being able to trust people (perhaps specifically men) or they valued freedom (feared feeling trapped, or that they lacked excitement, adventure or choices in their life)

            If this was my information product I would centre my communications around the TRUST hot button and position my communications to deeply relate to a woman finding your site.

            you could try a future projection technique like; Imagine how your life would be if.... "solve the problem" - their face

            and then bring them back to reality and relate to their problems - their face

            then solution to help them get to the ideal that you imagined with them earlier in your copy - their face

            But anyway I actually liked it, and I felt definitely hit some of the points that DavidG and I have made here to varying degrees you obviously aren't a newbie to these concepts whatsoever. Personally I would break up the offers separately rather than having to scroll down, down, down to get a grasp of the full scope of what you can offer but perhaps that is my overly quantifying masculine mind.

            So just put yourself in the shoes of your customer or better yet set up a test group of women you respect and trust and encourage an open communication with them.

            If you'd like a more detailed analysis feel free to shoot me a PM love discussing this stuff

            Win.
            Deseado
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      • Profile picture of the author DavidG
        Originally Posted by lover and fighter View Post

        ...
        DavidG-
        I was struggling with exactly what you mention... I'm a member of my target audience, but as Mark added to your comment, I may have to take a step outside my own mind and my own beliefs to get a better feel of my target audience. I settled on finding "the one" because it was more universal, but I guess i need to go in the opposite direction and be more specific. I'll have to give that one some more thought. Research, test and tweak- i hear you....
        What I typed is exactly what you need to do. They're a bit of steps to help you narrow down your focus.

        And like Mark said, don't complicated it. I used to spend up to 2 goddamn months taking "Pros" and "Legends" seriously, writing a sales letter. Getting too damn technical.

        I still do. But now I know when to stop. I have to thank my clients for dealing with me. Geez.

        Anyways...

        It was good practice. Diving into the cell of your ideal prospect really gets your perspective sharpened.

        TBH I think if you're your ideal costumer, then go and write down in a journal what you hate about your life right now. What do you feel.

        Again, check out Digital Romance and find what resonates. I think that would be the perfect way for you to make a compelling letter.

        Just find a letter that really gets you going. Then build on it based on your product. And you got it.

        But if you're not ideal... then go back to step 1.
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        • Deseado-
          thanks for your comment, it really helped. I esp liked the smileys, helped to give me a visual of what the prospect goes through... and when you mentioned mind reading it def resonated with me... i mention it briefly in the copy, but i didn't realize how much it hit home until i read it in your comment and i said, YES, i remember being in that place. I've been around the internet marketing atmosphere for a lil while, but I've never gotten this far before now. P.S. I like your tag line.

          DavidG-
          I'm actually now a former member of my target audience, and i guess i did too much thinking from where I am now instead of where I used to be. I'll definitely apply your recommendations.

          Guess I've got some work to do!
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          "How does the Meadow flower its bloom unfold? Because the lovely little flower is free down to its root, and in that freedom bold." ~William Wordsworth

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  • All in all a propper sales structure is what is needed here.

    it has no flow, no pace, no logical progession.

    its kind of boring.

    here's some quick tips.

    write "discover" the secrets instead of learn (who wants to learn things right? discovering more exciitng)

    the list of promises at the begining is bit long and repetitive...compress it down

    then they appear again ....yawn

    these secrets will work for me? why? empty statement ...maybe give some kind of guarantee.

    You could use the secrets as part of a sales argument, to illustrate how your product is better and unique.

    i like the feminie design of the page but the subheads are way to small.

    and the design needs serious attention.

    i agree with mark too about the voiceover...kinda soothing but not selling.

    no emotion and feeling and no inflection on words.
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
      Originally Posted by Quality Copywriter View Post

      i agree with mark too about the voiceover...kinda soothing but not selling.

      no emotion and feeling and no inflection on words.
      I've always loved the word inflection.

      I'd honestly hire someone from voices.com.

      I've had clients get someone spectacular for just a couple hundred bucks.

      I'd also ditch the PP Video.

      PM me for the contact info my video guy. He's ridiculously cheap and does amazing work - using Adobe After Effects.

      If you can keep your script down to the 3 page level, he can do something for two to three hundred.

      Mark
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    Here's another HUGE problem (and fantastic opportunity.)

    You don't have any kind of brand.

    Your domain is findingyourtruelove.com

    Your header simply says: Finding Real Love - followed by the non-tag, "Helping women all around the world find their true love."

    Your very first step here is defining your brand.

    That's what will help you hone in on your main marketing message (i.e. hook, USP) and create flow and continuity in your copy.

    Branding is also a great exercise in defining your target (or ideal) prospect.

    Let's say you branded your program as The Soulmate Magnet Blueprint.

    You could use a tagline like, "Attract Your True Love - Without Even Trying"

    The tag communicates how effortless your program is.

    Your target prospect isn't going out there and making things happen.

    She's focusing on "the stuff" going on inside of her (i.e. your 5 secrets.)

    You're helping her get rid of all the luggage that's getting in the way of letting her true love or soulmate find her.

    My point is:

    Come up with a brand that encompasses the essence of what you're offering.

    And leverage the branding message throughout your copy - as kind of an anchor to keep everything tight and focused.

    Make sense?

    Mark
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    • Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti View Post

      Here's another HUGE problem (and fantastic opportunity.)

      You don't have any kind of brand.

      Your domain is findingyourtruelove.com

      Your header simply says: Finding Real Love - followed by the non-tag, "Helping women all around the world find their true love."

      Your very first step here is defining your brand.

      That's what will help you hone in on your main marketing message (i.e. hook, USP) and create flow and continuity in your copy.

      Branding is also a great exercise in defining your target (or ideal) prospect.

      Let's say you branded your program as The Soulmate Magnet Blueprint.

      You could use a tagline like, "Attract Your True Love - Without Even Trying"

      The tag communicates how effortless your program is.

      Your target prospect isn't going out there and making things happen.

      She's focusing on "the stuff" going on inside of her (i.e. your 5 secrets.)

      You're helping her get rid of all the luggage that's getting in the way of letting her true love or soulmate find her.

      My point is:

      Come up with a brand that encompasses the essence of what you're offering.

      And leverage the branding message throughout your copy - as kind of an anchor to keep everything tight and focused.

      Make sense?

      Mark
      Ok Mark this is getting a little weird cause that's where my thoughts have been today. Get outta my head! :p With all that has been said, this is what I've come to realize I need to do. Your suggestion for soulmatemagnet is great...truly. I just don't know if I'm comfortable enough to make that claim. Real love, true love, no problem. The idea of soulmates is right up my alley, but i haven't quite gotten there myself yet, so... i dunno. My mind has been racing and it's exciting but a bit overwhelming at the same time.
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      • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
        Originally Posted by lover and fighter View Post

        Ok Mark this is getting a little wierd cause that's where my thoughts have been today. Get outta my head! :p With all that has been said, this is what I've come to realize I need to do. Your suggestion for soulmatemagnet is great...truly. I just don't know if I'm comfortable enough to make that claim. Real love, true love, no problem. The idea of soulmates is right up my alley, but i haven't quite gotten there myself yet, so... i dunno. My mind has been racing and it's exciting but a bit overwhelming at the same time.
        I get it.

        You want your brand to reflect your authentic vision.

        But you also want it to challenge you to play a bigger game.

        Tell me:

        What's the difference between true love and soulmate?

        Don't you think Wesley from The Princess Bride meant soulmate - when he called Buttercup his one true love?

        In your copy...

        When you talked about all the men that approached you when you broke up with the loser who was keeping you stuck in soulmate-purgatory...

        ...isn't that being a magnet?

        Sure...

        You had to exercise discernment - because when you utilized those 5 secrets, you were probably glowing - thus attracting all kinds of men.

        So...

        You could say your program is a course in becoming a man-magnet (which is something I think you said.)

        But that doesn't speak to the reality of what you're offering.

        In truth...

        Your desire is to HELP women overcome the toxic relationship bullshit, being stuck in single-hell and not knowing their own true worth.

        Why?

        Because ultimately...

        They want to meet The One.

        They want to experience the sensations of being touched by the man who's meant just for them for the first time.

        Right?

        Keep moving forward.

        Mark

        P.S. Remember, branding is HOW you want your ideal prospects to perceive you, your company, your product. You get to decide from the get-go what kind of image you're portraying. Have fun with it. But get really clear on what you're ultimately helping women achieve... and make sure that gets addressed in the branding in some way, shape or form.
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        • Thanks Mark, you've been so helpful and have given me so much to think about. Also, thank you for the recommendation, I've already made a note of it for when i get more $. I'll have some more questions for you at that point. One small question off the top of my head, what does PP Video stand for?

          QualityCopywriter-
          Thanks for your input. Specifically, what parts of the design element do you see as a problem, other than the subheadings needing to be larger?

          Thanks in advance!
          Signature

          "How does the Meadow flower its bloom unfold? Because the lovely little flower is free down to its root, and in that freedom bold." ~William Wordsworth

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          • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
            Originally Posted by lover and fighter View Post

            Thanks Mark, you've been so helpful and have given me so much to think about. Also, thank you for the recommendation, I've already made a note of it for when i get more $. I'll have some more questions for you at that point. One small question off the top of my head, what does PP Video stand for?

            QualityCopywriter-
            Thanks for your input. Specifically, what parts of the design element do you see as a problem, other than the subheadings needing to be larger?

            Thanks in advance!
            PP = PowerPoint...

            Check out my wife's video we just had done to see the difference: decodemypurpose.com

            I did copy for a "soulmate" product and the video might be more what you really want/need: recovermylover.com

            Mark
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    One more thing on branding...

    You have to remember to niche yourself effectively.

    You can't go after the broad "true love, soulmate" market and be successful (unless you have unbelievable copy.)

    When you brand yourself, you're also niching your product - so it's in front of the right eyes.

    So again...

    Let's say you named your product The Soulmate Magnet Blueprint (soulmatemagnet.com...)

    And let's also say your target prospect is more spiritually minded.

    "Attract the Lover God Made... just for you" (More religious, but still spiritual.)

    "Attract Your True Love... from the inside-out." (More of a Law of Attraction type tag.)

    Or let's say you want to target the serial dating type who wants REAL love:

    "Your Last First Date Solution"

    Anyway...

    You get the idea.

    Your brand can reflect the broader market.

    Then your tagline niches it.

    Mark
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  • P.S. The Niche Man-

    I understand that you were just trying to give helpful advice, and I genuinely appreciate the giving spirit you were coming from.

    Didn't mean to "kick" anyone if that's how it came off. Just speaking my mind.
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    Lover and Fighter - SUGGESTED REFRAME:

    Being fortunate enough to be born a black woman gives me a powerful advantage for quickly building rapport and selling effectively to a certain segment of the market.

    By focusing on this one segment of the market and my unique advantage, my message becomes inherently more compelling and yields better results for the same effort I would invest trying to appeal to a wider audience.

    My priority is effectiveness.
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
      Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod View Post

      Being fortunate enough to be born a black woman gives me a powerful advantage for quickly building rapport and selling effectively to a certain segment of the market.
      Powerful advantage?

      Maybe.

      You're assuming there's a large segment of black women actively searching for true love.

      I don't know how BIG of a niche soulmate searchers is as a whole - much less a single segment of women.

      Maybe proper research will reveal you're right. I don't know.

      I understand wanting to leverage what's natural (i.e. the path of least resistance...)

      ...but would you be giving the same feedback - if she had gotten a pro voiceover and you never knew she was black?

      What if she got a voiceover done by a Brit?

      Would you suggest targeting ONLY British women?

      Just curious.

      I will say...

      When I wrote scripts for professional wrestlers, my job was to get to know them and reflect their REAL personality in the characters they were given.

      It worked really well and helped along the storylines.

      But the wrestlers who were type-casted for their accents rarely did well.

      Just saying.

      Mark
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    The product can have mass appeal. Period.

    It does need to be properly niched.

    But basing that on the sound of her voice is ignorant.

    Race aside...

    Could it work.

    Yes.

    Is that the best possible positioning for a product that solves women's true love problems?

    No.

    Everyone needs to think bigger (while helping her think smaller. You know, niching.;-)

    Mark
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    • Profile picture of the author The Niche Man
      :rolleyes:
      Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti View Post

      The product can have mass appeal. Period.

      It does need to be properly niched.






      Mark
      Remember she only has 500 dollars.
      So, here's the million dollar question.
      Should she spend it on mass market media
      or targeted niche media.

      Remember, she can always expand as
      the cash comes in.
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      "201 Ways To Live Better On Less Money".
      "Because The Easiest Way To Make Money is ... ... By Saving Some First!"
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    Just to be clear, I have neither the time nor the inclination to dig much deeper on this.

    I gave her a simple reframe to better internalize the advice she's been given and take the sting out of the conversation. That's all.

    Very few can change the world through their marketing.

    Anybody can throw a saddle on it and take themselves where they need to go.

    Best,

    Brian
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    If I were "Lover and Fighter" (whack name BTW) I would be offended too. Would you be telling me because I have an Australian accent I should only be targeting Aussies in a video voiceover? Yeah...she's right to be telling you guys to go jump. Shameful racism really. "Seems like a black woman's voice from the ghetto". WTF. That comment alone deserves a punch in the face.

    p.s. l & f...I like your voice. It's cute. But the script and the pitch could be a lot better.
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming...
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  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    Too funny... I was thinking the same thing as Mal... I really like the voice.

    Sounds professional, yet calming. I felt relaxed listening to the script, not sure that's a good thing or not.

    But one thing I'd do, is put a bit more personality in the voice over. Just a bit... it sounds a bit too "robotic" or scripted.

    Amazing voice, though... even though the script could use work.
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  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    Also, on the exit page... I'd test the current offer with something like...

    "Top 5 Reasons You're Not Attracting The Man of Your Dreams" or "3 Biggest Reasons You Haven't Found the Perfect Guy"

    Right now, "25 Red Flags You Should Not Ignore" is pretty unclear and unspecific.

    Red flags in regards to what? Make it more specific. also, lower the number, if you can, because 25 seems like a lot of work to read.

    I've tested numbers on a lot of dating offers on the CPA networks and "Top 3 Reasons" and ones like that usually do well.
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  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti View Post


    ...but would you be giving the same feedback - if she had gotten a pro voiceover and you never knew she was black?

    What if she got a voiceover done by a Brit?

    Would you suggest targeting ONLY British women?

    Just curious.
    The best feedback anyone can give is only based on what they're given to give feedback on.

    We can't spend all day being hypothetical. Might make someone that can come up with great hypotheticals sound brilliant...but it then only solves hypothetical problems.

    If she had the money to hire a professional to do everything, who knows what the video would be or sound like? The professional she hired would have taken all the info he/she was given to work with and gave her the best advice. We wouldn't have seen her round these parts asking for a critique.

    Let's focus on what we WERE given.

    I don't see anything wrong with her voice, but we all know there's a lot of other problems. Besides the copywriting, there's also the marketing aspect.

    We all know these type of books are a dime a dozen on the internet. All you have to do is google dating, etc., and you'll get millions of links. The vast majority of those links all go to pages that are pitiful lost dreams of someone who thought they had a great idea.

    First thing any good marketer will tell you is you've got to somehow set yourself apart from all the other millions.

    Any detail you can exploit that can set you apart should be carefully studied. Sometimes it's something small, sometimes major. I've even seen where a negative was used with success. Tall people, short people, fat people, skinny people...all have used unique things about them to set them apart. Big businesses, little business, old businesses and new businesses have exploited something about themselves. Convicts, Nuns, Little People...the list is endless.

    In my opinion, you were given a million dollar idea by The Niche Man. I think it's something to look into. Might not be the only way to go...but my guess is it's a winner.

    I wish you success in your endeavors...hopefully you become famous and wealthy.
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    • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
      Banned
      Originally Posted by max5ty View Post


      In my opinion, you were given a million dollar idea by the niche man. I think it's something to look into. Might not be the only way to go...but my guess is it's a winner.
      This bit you mean?
      "African American woman" market.
      Yeah - how dare the O.P. think beyond her status.

      And would you be giving the same advice if the girl were white? "Go target the fat, rich, white American woman market".

      Nothing much surprises me these days...but the out and out racism of you white (and black) guys is really something.

      Well done - give yourselves a pat on the back and a K.K.K. badge.

      And BTW Maxwell Smart...it's not a "million dollar idea" at all. Its banal. It's boring. But if you had a black girl pitching white girls...you might have something.

      The video starts with "Yeah, I'm a black bitch from the ghetto. What would I know about dating?"
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      • Profile picture of the author max5ty
        Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

        This bit you mean? Yeah - how dare the O.P. think beyond her status.

        And would you be giving the same advice if the girl were white? "Go target the fat, rich, white American woman market".

        Nothing much surprises me these days...but the out and out racism of you white (and black) guys is really something.

        Well done - give yourselves a pat on the back and a K.K.K. badge.

        And BTW Maxwell Smart...it's not a "million dollar idea" at all. Its banal. It's boring. But if you had a black girl pitching white girls...you might have something.

        The video starts with "Yeah, I'm a black bitch from the ghetto. What would I know about dating?"
        LOL...I can only hope I never get as desperate, frustrated and angry as you are.
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  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    Just throwing this out there...

    But I remember reading "The Long Tail" years ago by Chris Anderson, I believe.

    He basically said we'd continue to niche down more and more as time went on, to the point where almost every single product and service category would be niche-specific.

    I.e. sunglass hut... nothing but sunglasses.

    Well, I do a lot of CPA offers, or Cost per action, and one of my big winners is the dating offers.

    And I've noticed that a LOT of niched dating sites do better than generic.

    Asian Beauties... Dating for Golf Players... Christian Matchmaker.... Black
    Singles... Rock Star Dating, etc...

    so, it's not a matter of race, it's a matter of niches... and speaking specifically to one group.

    most of the time, when you do that, your conversions go way up.

    Talk to everyone and you talk to no one... and that's the way we're headed.

    so, it's not about black... because the dating advice could be niched out to just about every group.

    I did this with generic fitness info... I started with bodybuilders, then went to women, then the over 40 crowd, etc... yet most of the info was much the same!

    Put it this way... if someone wants to buy sneakers, and they're a runner, they will almost always buy "running sneakers" over just sneakers.

    So, to the OP... you could potentially start out with "dating advice" but then niche it down like a few others had mentioned... and offer dating advice to more specific groups... that way they feel you're talking directly to them.
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