Asking for help: please critique my sales page. Thanks so much!

12 replies
A newbie is begging for help: http://evekoivula.com/aosk/
I'm getting totally blind with this myself.
-Eveliina-
#critique #fitness niche #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author laurencewins
    You should not have a pop up that refuses to close.
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    Cheers, Laurence. Writer/Editor/Proofreader.
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  • Eveliina,

    Having just seen what "kettlebelling" is - I don't want to upset you.

    Or I'll be walking about with a large kettle implanted on my head.

    So, before we worry too much about the copy, I have an idea.

    Oh alright, taking my life in my hands, lets worry about the graphics, the layout and the copy sequence.

    (Difficult to read, graphics are a mess, and the copy is all over the place. Bullets aren't strong enough. And it's not crystal clear what it is you're actually selling).

    Now with that out the way. Here's the idea.

    It looks like you are selling it for $1.00.

    So I assume you have a backend product costing a lot more.

    It takes as much effort selling a "product" for a dollar as it does for $2,999.00.

    Would it be an idea to give it away (still takes some effort, and the copy does need to be dramatically improved).

    But you should quickly build up a strong list.

    And then off you go with your main products.

    Which will need outstanding copy. But you'll be making a lot more money - faster.


    Steve
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    • Profile picture of the author ptaylor98
      I agree completely. Price is not the problem. Convincing copy is. Good luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    The offer is confusing. Takes a few moments for me to get your positioning strategy, which, if sold to the right market, could work pretty well. The headline doesn't communicate a bottom line benefit either or address the target market clearly enough, which means they might not get past that to the copy. Here's a good place to start.

    Go to your headline and address the target market first, then the benefit, then the positioning strategy:

    Could Your Passion for Really Sports Hold the Secret to Creating Entrepreneurial Freedom?

    You Won't Believe How This World Kettlebell Champion Built a Six Figure Online Business from Scratch!

    Picture the headline in the back of a magazine. It should be good enough to solicit a response without adding any more copy. That's where you want to restart.
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  • Hello Eveliina,

    I notice that the letter talks too much about you - too many "I"s. What's in it for your avatar (ideal customer)? I think you should flip all the stories about you, and how it worked for you, etc. and focus on your avatar instead.

    i.e. "What I had spent months on could actually get done in a few weeks"

    As a reader I'm not interested in what you spent months on and how you got it to a few weeks - I wan't to know if it will get "my" months spent to weeks - I also want to see some kind of social proof, any testimonials, studies, case studies if possible, something you can prove to me that what you're saying is true.
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    • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
      Originally Posted by Michael De La Nuez View Post

      Hello Eveliina,

      I notice that the letter talks too much about you - too many "I"s. What's in it for your avatar (ideal customer)? I think you should flip all the stories about you, and how it worked for you, etc. and focus on your avatar instead.

      i.e. "What I had spent months on could actually get done in a few weeks"

      As a reader I'm not interested in what you spent months on and how you got it to a few weeks - I wan't to know if it will get "my" months spent to weeks - I also want to see some kind of social proof, any testimonials, studies, case studies if possible, something you can prove to me that what you're saying is true.
      "I" can be much more credible than you if you know what you're doing. First person "hero's journey" testimonials are damn powerful, provided that the "hero" of the story is one of the target market. It allows the reader to experience the success vicariously through the hero AND demonstrates affinity, credibility and empathy.
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  • Profile picture of the author maxfactor
    You could start by offering your own testimonial. The page says "the very same method I used to win a bunch of titles on two continents and coach a bunch of my students to the podium and hall-of-fame was the exact same method I applied to business building". So what is your business and how is it doing? How have the lessons you teach in this guide helped you build your business? What were the results?

    Also the popup keeps appearing even when I mouseover another browser tab. It should only appear if I try to close the page.

    There's a typo below "Here's what's inside:", fourth bullet down.
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  • Profile picture of the author Eveliina
    You know what, you guys here are AMAZING!
    I've been a member of paid communities which offer "support"... that's the sales copy talkin allright. The truth is, I haven't gotten s*%# from those people.

    And I come here, close my eyes for a moment and boom! I'm not alone in this anymore.
    What can I do to give back? Tell me!
    (Other than take your advise and start working on it right away!)
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  • Profile picture of the author Eveliina
    Steve, no worries: I'm not a violent person! And I came here to learn, and hopefully I can actually give something back eventually! I could teach you how to lift kettlebell without dropping it to your head! How'd that sound?

    The reason I don't want to just give this away is that I have another freebie report, which is a stripped version of this. But that was a fantastic reminder what you said Steve "It takes as much effort selling a "product" for a dollar as it does for $2,999.00." I tried to keep that in mind, and also everything else you guys said!

    But that's exactly what I mean: you get really blind going over the text. I'm sending you all a TON of hugs and kisses for showing me what I needed to see!

    This morning I started from the scratch and it became a long story... like 4 pages long. (here's another dilemma: how do I communicate 4 sales pages freebie in a blog margin if I change tactics...)

    sethczerepak, I started from that headline you provided, but I can't exactly mention six figures at this point... that would be "a little" too far from the truth.

    But now it should all be in there and I'm going to show it to you when I get it laid out! I want to make you proud of me!
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    Eveliina!

    This an interesting brand/position you've come up with.

    As an athlete...

    I completely agree there are a ton of parallels between athleticism and marketing.

    I've leveraged the concept before myself (but not nearly at the level you want to take it.)

    Here's the thing:

    For the branding to work, you've got to communicate what the parallels are between being an athlete and a marketer...

    ...and why leveraging these insights will help your prospects become better marketers and coaches.

    Speaking of coaching...

    There's a big difference between marketing and coaching. Right?

    So you've also got to convince me that I'll walk away with the basic, grounded concepts and traits that ALL successful coaches have.

    For instance...

    George Foreman once said whenever you get overwhelmed in a fight, you've got to start over; press the mental reset button.

    As a coach, if the call loses it flow and effectiveness, it your job to bring the session back down to its grounding.

    That's a very similiar concept to what the best athletes do.

    Athletes know how to focus their attention on ONE THING.

    A good coach helps their clients do the exact same thing.

    My point is...

    You need to demonstrate how the traits I have as an athlete are really going to help me excel in building/marketing my business...

    ...and excelling as a coach.

    Lastly...

    What kind of coach?

    How does your program help ME niche myself - so MY assets are in front of the right audience?

    That's a big deal.

    From a marketing perspective, if you're not teaching the power of positioning (like you're demonstrating in your copy,) you're not helping me become a better marketer.

    Or a better coach.

    People who position their coaching services in front of the wrong niche will see their confidence and belief in themselves get shattered, virtually overnight.

    In my opinion...

    It's your job to help them avoid this predictable pitfall.

    And I'd start by communicating "this stuff" in your front end copy.

    My take.

    Mark
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    • Profile picture of the author Eveliina
      Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti View Post

      Eveliina!

      This an interesting brand/position you've come up with.

      Mark
      Hey Mark! I just read this only after I finished the current version (that's with a couple of CENCORED tags, did you see that one?). The mental stuff comes along with this as an unannounced bonus report. This is the practical part. I've also saved a lot of stuff to be delivered in free and paid videos.

      Right now it't 11 PM so I need to get some sleep and I will read what you said again in the morning.

      PS. What's your sport?
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  • Profile picture of the author Eveliina
    Am I doing any better now?
    http://evekoivula.com/aosk/
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