Please critique my sales letter

39 replies
Greetings Copywriter Forum. I'd like a critique of this piece I did up. Where there's too much text, assume testimonials interspersed in there. They'll be added later. This is just the sales copy piece. I appreciate any and all advice to improve the piece. Thanks in advance.




Can An Overlooked Secret Of The Stock Market Really Get Outstanding Returns With Low Risk???

Discover A Proven Investment Strategy Industry Professionals Don't Want You to Know About That Can Give You The Retirement You've Always Wanted


Dear Experienced Investor,

What if I told you about a little-used investment strategy that can earn you outstanding returns on your money for very little risk?

It's a strategy so incredibly simple, yet so potentially life-altering you'll wonder why more investment professionals don't talk about it (And I'll tell you why they don't in just a bit.).

This investment method does not rely on trying to guess which hot stock is going to go to the moon in the next six months using some fancy system that doesn't work.

In fact, it doesn't even make much difference what happens to the stock market at all.

I'm talking about a proven method to guarantee income in retirement regardless of what happens to the stock market day in and day out.

My name is Jim Zayles. I've been an investment professional helping clients build rock solid portfolios for over fifteen years and I'll let you in on this time-tested strategy and I'll make you a promise that if you follow it, you'll sleep better every night knowing your investment income will keep rolling in.

Here it is:

You can make LOTS of money in the stock market WITHOUT having to buy and sell stocks over and over again!

Would you like to find out how it works? Read on, and I'll tell you everything you need to know.

You see, most financial advisers will tell you to keep X percent of your portfolio in stocks, and Y in bonds depending on your age. Then once you retire, you sell off some of your nest egg every year to live on and hope you made enough in the markets to cover your withdrawals so you don't outlive your cash.

Sounds awful, doesn't it?

The stock market can be incredibly risky. Especially if you're trying not to lose money. Most people think you have to buy low and sell high. Trouble is, you can't always tell what's low and what's high or making money would be easy.

Bonds aren't much better. They can often be just as risky as stocks, but usually offer much lower return on your money, just for the perception of lower risk.

Well, I'm here to tell you it doesn't have to work that way. You'd never dream of voluntarily putting yourself in that kind of situation, and neither would I.

What you want is an investment strategy that guarantees your income without having to worry about market fluctuations.

We all remember the terrible market crash back in 2008. But while everyone around us was watching their portfolio decline by 50% or more, my clients just sat back and continued to watch the checks roll in.

That's because my investment strategy is carefully crafted to guarantee my clients, and you:

* Steady, predictable income regardless of what happens to the price of a stock..
* Maximum returns for minimum risk, regardless of your age...
* A plan to ensure you have enough to live comfortably without having to sell off part of your nest egg every year...
* MUCH higher returns than most investment grade bonds without much extra risk...
* Minimal brokerage fees from buying and selling stocks that can quickly drain your portfolio and only put money in your broker's pocket...



So, let me show you how this works.

What I do is to scour the markets for companies that offer a percentage of their earnings every year to you, simply for owning their stock. It's called a dividend, and you're probably very familiar with them already.

The secret is that there are companies out there that have offered stable, yet very high dividends for years or even decades regardless of what's going on in the market.

You don't hear about them on CNBC because they aren't sexy tech stocks or biotech companies poised to be the next Apple. I'm talking about boring, stable companies that have recession-proof businesses that deliver solid, reliable profits to you, the owner year after year.

Maybe it's a water utility company in Iowa that has an 8% dividend yield.

Or maybe it's a waste disposal firm in Colorado that's paid its owners 7.5% every year for the past ten years.

These kinds of "boring" companies are exactly the sorts of things I look for when I invest for my clients.

I like to invest in companies that offer several things:

* A high dividend yield paid to the shareholders over a long period of time-tested...
* A stable stock price that doesn't shift wildly up and down with the markets...
* A product that people will always need no matter what economic conditions are like...
* A strong financial position so that there's little risk the company may go under...


If the company offers all of those things, I know it has a proven track record of delivering solid, low-risk returns to its shareholders, and I can trust that company with my clients' hard-earned savings.

Now, there's a catch with these kinds of companies. The price of their stock doesn't tend to change very much. The share price of that water company may not have changed more than a couple percentage points over the years up or down.

But that kind of stability isn't always a bad thing. Even in down markets, these companies keep doing steady business because they offer something people need no matter how high unemployment is, or who's President, or whatever it is that makes stocks go up and down.

Doesn't sound too complicated, does it?

And it isn't, really. It just takes a lot of careful research to make sure your money is in a very safe place because we all know the stock market is not the safest place in the world for your money. That kind of careful research is what I want to provide for you.

Now, you may ask, if this strategy is so great, why don't I hear about it from more financial advisers?

Well, that's a great question, and I'll tell you.

It's a dirty little secret of the industry that most financial advisers get paid commission to get you, the unsuspecting investor to buy stocks. And not just any stocks, but the stocks their firm wants you to buy.

The guy working for that big financial services company can't make a living by researching boring companies for you to buy and hold so you can collect dividends. He needs to get you to BUY and SELL the next hot thing or he doesn't get paid.

I don't work that way.

I don't make money by getting you to churn the stocks in your portfolio. I put you first by carefully analyzing your financial situation and crafting the safest, most lucrative investment strategy possible.

Sure, you can try the guessing game that everyone else plays in the markets trying to figure out which stocks to buy, when to sell only to find out it's all a big guessing game.

Or worse, you can pay some fund manager up to 20% in management fees to guess for you. Who knows how that will turn out?

But wouldn't you rather have the peace of mind that comes from knowing your portfolio will be bringing in the money without having to time the markets or lose buckets of money on commissions?

I know how to make that happen for you.

For over fifteen years, I have specialized in finding companies that offer high, stable returns for very low risk, and I have helped hundreds and hundreds of clients create comfortable, worry-free retirements.

I specialize in finding companies like the ones I've told you about. I spend hours every day scouring the markets for these sorts of stable, yet profitable stocks that fly under everyone's radar because they don't make headlines.

I've learned exactly what to look for, and I've learned a few things over the years.

* You DON'T have to accept measly returns of 2-3% in retirement just to reduce risk..
* You DON'T have to gamble your money in the stock market casino to earn a good return on your money over time...
* You CAN'T time the markets, so why even try?
* You CAN earn an outstanding return on your money without much risk if you know where to look...


Listen, friend. I know retirement planning is not something you trust just anyone with. No one can guarantee returns beyond your wildest imagination risk free. But I can promise you that there are safer ways to invest your money that all the big banks and their financial advisers don't want you to know about.

So, when it comes to investing your money, you have a choice. You can put your trust in a financial adviser who wants to sell you whatever will make him the most money. And if you do, I sincerely hope your investments do very well for you.

Or maybe, just maybe, you'll decide there's another way that no one's every told you about. So, if a profitable and stable retirement is something you care deeply about, give me a call today and we can work together to help you break free of the herd and start down the road to financial security.

In fact, I'm so sure you'll love my investment strategy that if you aren't satisfied with your results after the first year, I'll waive my fee! I've been doing this so long I KNOW I can get you the kind of results you're after.

So what are you waiting for? Give me a call!

Jim Zayles
Investment Manager, Kappa Wealth Management

PS. For a limited time, I'm offering a free consultation to new customers where I will provide you with a complete investment strategy based on your unique situation. For the month of September, I will waive my usual fee, so don't wait!
#critique #letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Kevin, so we can help you the best,
    tell us more about your readers please.

    The more detail the better.

    Best,
    Ewen
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    • Profile picture of the author Kevin Slade
      Sure. The intended audience is prospective retirees, usually 50+, who are concerned about retirement and have a good amount saved for retirement. They've probably used investment professionals in the past, and probably, though not necessarily know a thing or two about investing themselves.
      Signature

      Kevin Slade
      Copywriter and Internet Marketing Specialist

      http://slademarketing.com

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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        Originally Posted by Kevin Slade View Post

        Sure. The intended audience is prospective retirees, usually 50+, who are concerned about retirement and have a good amount saved for retirement. They've probably used investment professionals in the past, and probably, though not necessarily know a thing or two about investing themselves.
        Are you buying a list of these?

        Best,
        Ewen
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        • Profile picture of the author Kevin Slade
          Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

          Are you buying a list of these?

          Best,
          Ewen
          Nope. This is a spec ad based on something I did for an acquaintance a few years back. The original was more of a testimonial that was not written in a direct response format. I'm practicing and creating writing samples to get established.
          Signature

          Kevin Slade
          Copywriter and Internet Marketing Specialist

          http://slademarketing.com

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      • Profile picture of the author Lance K
        Originally Posted by Kevin Slade View Post


        Can An Overlooked Secret Of The Stock Market Really Get Outstanding Returns With Low Risk???
        Originally Posted by Kevin Slade View Post

        Sure. The intended audience is prospective retirees, usually 50+, who are concerned about retirement and have a good amount saved for retirement. They've probably used investment professionals in the past, and probably, though not necessarily know a thing or two about investing themselves.
        From your description of your target market I wouldn't imagine "Outstanding Returns" would be one of their hot buttons as much as say "Stable, Predictable Income" or something like that. The low risk part probably resonates with them though.
        Signature
        "You can have everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want."
        ~ Zig Ziglar
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  • Profile picture of the author TheSalesBooster
    I think it's pretty good. It should do well with the right targeted audience.

    BTW do you have any proof you could put in there? Like a portfolio/track record to show your customer? Especially your results during the big market crash? Your target customer is someone who was probably hit by the 08 crash, so showing them you came out unscathed would be a big selling point for you.
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  • Profile picture of the author Burkett
    Hi there, good stuff! Was wondering though....is this a direct mail piece? Do you have a plan for how they will receive this?
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Too light on specifics.

      Think of the most intelligent investor
      who is going to read this.

      He has subscribed to sector specific
      stock pick news.

      Anything that doesn't have a point of view on investing strategy
      is seen as not to be trusted.

      He wants breaking news so he feels
      he is the first to know.

      Since he doesn't know you, you have to
      give him your back story so he gets a sense
      of what you are about and worth listening to.

      The older they are, the more risk averse they are.

      Have you read direct mail promos to
      The investor community and seen
      the sheer size of the sub-sets there are?

      Best,
      Ewen
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      • Profile picture of the author Kevin Slade
        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post


        Have you read direct mail promos to
        The investor community and seen
        the sheer size of the sub-sets there are?

        Best,
        Ewen
        I've read direct mail promos to investors from Agora, etc... but I haven't seen the sub-sets you're talking about. Where can I look for them?
        Signature

        Kevin Slade
        Copywriter and Internet Marketing Specialist

        http://slademarketing.com

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        • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
          Originally Posted by Kevin Slade View Post

          I've read direct mail promos to investors from Agora, etc... but I haven't seen the sub-sets you're talking about. Where can I look for them?
          Investors have special interests and bias to certain types of investments.

          It could be for dividends, emerging countries, commodities,
          precious metals, penny stocks and so on.

          Here's a list of buyers and compiled...

          http://datacards.macromark.com/marke...egory&id=29448

          Best,
          Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    It's boring. The headline is a dud. You waffle. Cut to the chase. I don't have time to read yet another letter from some advisor who thinks he can make me money.

    BUT... you have a great HOOK hidden in the copy -

    These kinds of “boring” companies are exactly the sorts of things I look for when I invest for my clients.
    Hit on that "boring" aspect.
    ....there are companies out there that have offered stable, yet very high dividends for years or even decades regardless of what's going on in the market.

    You don't hear about them on CNBC because they aren't sexy tech stocks or biotech companies poised to be the next Apple. I'm talking about boring, stable companies that have recession-proof businesses that deliver solid, reliable profits to you, the owner year after year.
    Your head could be -

    "Some unsexy, boring advice on investing... with little-known stock that pays stable high dividends for years - regardless of what's going on in the market

    You don't hear about them on CNBC because they aren't sexy tech stocks or biotech companies poised to be the next Apple. I'm talking about boring, stable companies that have recession-proof businesses that deliver solid, reliable profits to you year after year.
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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    Originally Posted by Kevin Slade View Post

    Can An Overlooked Secret Of The Stock Market Really Get Outstanding Returns With Low Risk???

    Discover A Proven Investment Strategy Industry Professionals Don't Want You to Know About That Can Give You The Retirement You've Always Wanted
    Hi Kevin,

    There's a lot of missed opportunity in this headline. It's trying to say too many things and it's hard to grasp the baseline message. Also, considering that you're targeting people who are coming up on retirement and have some money saved, you're not addressing their immediate concern. I know that market quite well and have found them to be more security focused than opportunity focused.
    One of the most important things to remember when writing a headline and opening is that there are two types of buyers:

    1) Problem solvers: these are security focused people. Sociological studies over the past 4 years have revealed that between 60 and 70% of the population are problem solvers.
    2) Opportunity seekers: these are excitement focused people. Hype works better on them, just check out the WSO section. Most of what you see there is written for opportunity seekers. Same with the biz opp and MLM niches.

    A common problem I've seen with entrepreneurs is that we, being opportunity seekers, think that everyone else thinks like we do. They don't. Unless you're in a niche which is teaming with opportunity seekers, problem solvers and security minded people are the majority.

    So before you talk about hidden secrets and high returns (this crowd has heard that for decades and many have been burnt), you need to address their concerns regarding the safety of what they ALREADY have invested. So a better, and more focused, headline would be:

    How Safe is Your Retirement Money From (Potential Danger Here)?

    If you lead with excitement, their "hype" filter is going to stay up and the message won't sink in. But if deal with the security issue, you can get them excited further down the page when their guard is down.
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Originally Posted by sethczerepak View Post

      over the past 4 years have revealed that between 60 and 70% of the population are problem solvers.
      2) Opportunity seekers: these are excitement focused people. Hype works better on them, just check out the WSO section. Most of what you see there is written for opportunity seekers. Same with the biz opp and MLM niches.
      Seth, can you point me to this research?

      This is going to come in handy for a promo I'm working on.

      Thanks,
      Ewen
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      • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        Seth, can you point me to this research?

        This is going to come in handy for a promo I'm working on.

        Thanks,
        Ewen
        There's a ton of stuff on it. I'll try not to give you info overload lol.

        http://www.gravity-insight.com/uploa...22011-1319.pdf

        Check this page, the chart under "OF2" or any NLP writings about "towards vs away:"

        NLP and Research - Examining the Foundations of NLP metaprograms

        Motivational Language 1 – Meta Programmes Towards and Away

        Read those, then check out the research and studies on the four personality types and the % of population. The four types are called by the "DISC," sometimes, other people call them by colors "Red Blue Gold Green," others by those old names "Choleric Sanguine Phlegmatic Melancholy."

        You'll find, by the descriptions of what motivates each personality type, that there the "D & I" (Choleric and Sanguine" are primarily towards people while the other two personality types are away people. Of course, it's important to take Erickson's life stages into account, and generational dynamics, but that's just a matter of knowing the market.

        This site has a good breakdown of the four personality types (they call them by four different names too, but if you look closely, you'll see the relationships.

        Frequency of Personality Types by Population & Gender

        Of course, it's easy to get stuck in the generalization trap if you talk only about one dynamic, but if you study them all some interesting patterns show up.

        Good luck with the promo
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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Originally Posted by sethczerepak View Post

      One of the most important things to remember when writing a headline and opening is that there are two types of buyers:

      1) Problem solvers: these are security focused people. Sociological studies over the past 4 years have revealed that between 60 and 70% of the population are problem solvers.
      2) Opportunity seekers: these are excitement focused people. Hype works better on them, just check out the WSO section. Most of what you see there is written for opportunity seekers. Same with the biz opp and MLM niches.
      I know you're trying to help, but this is such BS!

      Have you ever heard of the "moving parade"? Have you ever heard Gary Halbert talk about porcupines in heat and how their mating applies to marketing?

      Such over-generalizations do more harm than good when studying a market.

      - Rick Duris
      Signature
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      • Profile picture of the author Freshmorning
        Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

        I know you're trying to help, but this is such BS!

        Have you ever heard of the "moving parade"? Have you ever heard Gary Halbert talk about porcupines in heat and how their mating applies to marketing?

        Such over-generalizations do more harm than good when studying a market.

        - Rick Duris
        I Agree with you Rick,

        Go to the top, see from all Point of view but not one. You will get the underneath path that leads to that hidden Doorway...
        -Kay
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      • Profile picture of the author Memetics
        Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

        I know you're trying to help, but this is such BS!

        Have you ever heard of the "moving parade"? Have you ever heard Gary Halbert talk about porcupines in heat and how their mating applies to marketing?

        Such over-generalizations do more harm than good when studying a market.

        - Rick Duris

        I think what the poster means is that there are two spectrums of investor.

        Those whose motivational and investment strategy are predominantly towards loss aversion and those whose are predominantly towards gain accrual.

        The demographic the OP is targeting will mainly be motivated by a conservative "boring" investment strategy as they're knocking on a bit and any mistakes would be far too costly to mitigate or recover and the loss if it happened would be emotionally traumatic.

        Bear in mind that such investors may also have been through the mill during the last few stock market crashes. The thought of the same thing happening again will make them very hard nuts to crack.

        Whereas the younger investor will be more motivated towards making as much money as possible in as short a time as possible and has time to recover from any setbacks and recover any losses they encounter.

        In this frame the "moving parade" conjecture doesn't really apply as the OP would need to contact the potential investors once a decade as core motivational traits change very, very slowly.

        If I was designing this sort of thing I would push the concept of a truncated barbell investment strategy where 95% of the clients funds would be placed in a hyper-conservative, boring, time honoured and tested investment portfolio.

        This would be called "The Investment Vault" or "The Fort Knox Strategy" so as to imply how securely their hard earned money is protected.

        But also...5% of their funds would be used for hyper-aggressive strategies which would rely on another stock market crash or "Black Swan event" occurring where the potential payoffs are enormous.

        If your investors have been burnt in the past during previous crises they will see this as a "Getting even with the market" event where they can recover all their previous losses and make a tidy sum on top, not to mention the elimination of the painful emotions which the last one delivered to their door.

        Rustle up some more copy on how those who predicted the last mortgage crisis (Which brought down companies as big as; Lehman Brothers, Fannie Mae) are predicting the same thing again soon.

        ["soon" being the call to action..Imagine missing an opportunity like this!]

        If you're looking for some ideas to pursue this strategy check out The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly...The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly...
        For some more information.
        Signature

        First we believe.....then we consider.

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        • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
          Originally Posted by Memetics View Post

          I think what the poster means is that there are two spectrums of investor.

          Those whose motivational and investment strategy are predominantly towards loss aversion and those whose are predominantly towards gain accrual.

          The demographic the OP is targeting will mainly be motivated by a conservative "boring" investment strategy as they're knocking on a bit and any mistakes would be far too costly to mitigate or recover and the loss if it happened would be emotionally traumatic.

          Bear in mind that such investors may also have been through the mill during the last few stock market crashes. The thought of the same thing happening again will make them very hard nuts to crack.

          Whereas the younger investor will be more motivated towards making as much money as possible in as short a time as possible and has time to recover from any setbacks and recover any losses they encounter.

          In this frame the "moving parade" conjecture doesn't really apply as the OP would need to contact the potential investors once a decade as core motivational traits change very, very slowly.

          If I was designing this sort of thing I would push the concept of a truncated barbell investment strategy where 95% of the clients funds would be placed in a hyper-conservative, boring, time honoured and tested investment portfolio.

          This would be called "The Investment Vault" or "The Fort Knox Strategy" so as to imply how securely their hard earned money is protected.

          But also...5% of their funds would be used for hyper-aggressive strategies which would rely on another stock market crash or "Black Swan event" occurring where the potential payoffs are enormous.

          If your investors have been burnt in the past during previous crises they will see this as a "Getting even with the market" event where they can recover all their previous losses and make a tidy sum on top, not to mention the elimination of the painful emotions which the last one delivered to their door.

          Rustle up some more copy on how those who predicted the last mortgage crisis (Which brought down companies as big as; Lehman Brothers, Fannie Mae) are predicting the same thing again soon.

          ["soon" being the call to action..Imagine missing an opportunity like this!]

          If you're looking for some ideas to pursue this strategy check out The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable: Amazon.co.uk: Nassim Nicholas Taleb: Books

          For some more information.
          Well put. And the choice of investment vehicles plus the desired outcome tells you a lot about the target market.

          Seth "Always looking deeper than the surface" Czerepak
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        • Profile picture of the author MikeHumphreys
          Originally Posted by Memetics View Post

          I think what the poster means is that there are two spectrums of investor.

          Those whose motivational and investment strategy are predominantly towards loss aversion and those whose are predominantly towards gain accrual.

          The demographic the OP is targeting will mainly be motivated by a conservative "boring" investment strategy as they're knocking on a bit and any mistakes would be far too costly to mitigate or recover and the loss if it happened would be emotionally traumatic.

          Bear in mind that such investors may also have been through the mill during the last few stock market crashes. The thought of the same thing happening again will make them very hard nuts to crack.

          Whereas the younger investor will be more motivated towards making as much money as possible in as short a time as possible and has time to recover from any setbacks and recover any losses they encounter.

          In this frame the "moving parade" conjecture doesn't really apply as the OP would need to contact the potential investors once a decade as core motivational traits change very, very slowly.

          If I was designing this sort of thing I would push the concept of a truncated barbell investment strategy where 95% of the clients funds would be placed in a hyper-conservative, boring, time honoured and tested investment portfolio.

          This would be called "The Investment Vault" or "The Fort Knox Strategy" so as to imply how securely their hard earned money is protected.

          But also...5% of their funds would be used for hyper-aggressive strategies which would rely on another stock market crash or "Black Swan event" occurring where the potential payoffs are enormous.

          If your investors have been burnt in the past during previous crises they will see this as a "Getting even with the market" event where they can recover all their previous losses and make a tidy sum on top, not to mention the elimination of the painful emotions which the last one delivered to their door.

          Rustle up some more copy on how those who predicted the last mortgage crisis (Which brought down companies as big as; Lehman Brothers, Fannie Mae) are predicting the same thing again soon.

          ["soon" being the call to action..Imagine missing an opportunity like this!]

          If you're looking for some ideas to pursue this strategy check out The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable: Amazon.co.uk: Nassim Nicholas Taleb: Books

          For some more information.
          You're describing the traditional investor model. It's the same one that many of the major mailers have continued to try to use to pitch their products today and it is not working nearly as well as it used to.

          For starters, here are some (not all) of the reasons why it's not working as well anymore...

          1. Experienced investors are at a different level of market awareness today than they were 10, 20, or even 30 years ago. (See Breakthrough Advertising for a long explanation on stages of awareness)

          2. The stock market has been volatile as hell the last few years and often any news about things like the European Debt Crisis, Quantitative Easing and the like have sent the market into a short-term uproar. I've seen some of my stock holdings drop 10-15% in a day because the multi-billion dollar company announced they missed a fiscal projection by $100K and a large number of investors panicked and sold their shares.

          3. 68% of Americans polled by Bankrate said they are not able to reach their monthly retirement savings goal because of other financial responsibilities.

          Two-thirds of Americans don't save enough (Page 1 of 3)

          USA Today reported last month that 38 million working-age households do not have any retirement assets. For people 10 years away from retirement, the median savings is $12,000.

          Haven't saved enough for retirement? What to do?

          So a good many people aren't worried as much as investment safety these days. They're worried about quickly building up their investment savings especially if retirement age is looming in the near future.

          4. One of things I recently discovered while doing researching for a copywriting client's penny stock product is that conservative investors have become more interested in the last few years is penny stocks. Why? They're trying to quickly recoup part of their losses from the 2008 crash and stock market volatility by leveraging small amounts of their current savings or portfolio. The other trend that's happening is they're trying to raise additional capital to help other family members (typically their children) who are experiencing money problems.

          In terms of the OP, here's the key point: If you're going to roll out something as a salesletter then it needs to accurate for what your target market is experiencing right NOW -- not where they've traditionally been.

          Hope that helps,

          Mike
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      • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
        Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

        Have you ever heard of the "moving parade"? Have you ever heard Gary Halbert talk about porcupines in heat and how their mating applies to marketing?
        No. I don't study animal behavior to understand what motivates people :p.

        Actually, I'm familiar with it...but it's more of a generalization then my statement was .

        BTW: You might want to check my response to Ewen's answer before you call BS on things which have been researched and written about for decades.
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        • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
          Oh my goodness, Seth "Let me baffle them with even more bullsh*t" Czerepak tries to cover his mistake by laying sweeping claim to the notion of categorizing people.

          I'll say it again, just so we're clear: Lumping investors into problems solvers and WSO opportunity seekers is worse than useless. It's wrong.

          I am NOT saying categorizing people is wrong. I'm saying the two investor categories you created off the top of your head are inappropriate.

          Also, how people behave, the decisions they make in one area of life are often very different than in another areas. So all that NLP and meme crap isn't relevant unless it's context sensitive.

          For example, one can be a very defensive driver and a very aggressive investor at the same time. One can be heartless investor and a loving husband at same time.

          Not only that, but early in one's career they could have been a very conservative investor, and now because they have wealth, they can tolerate more risk.

          I submit the OP would gain far more mileage taking into account the life experiences of the intended investor than putting investors in boxes.

          Maybe they survived the stock market crash of 1987. Maybe they lost all their real estate equity gains in 2008. Maybe they have kids they're trying to put through college. Maybe they're living on a fixed pension or already retired. Maybe they hold stocks right now and riding the wave of the current market. Maybe they have medical challenges and worried about the impact Obamacare will have on them.

          These emotionally relevant "moving parade" life experiences would carry far more weight with me as I wrote the copy.

          - Rick Duris

          PS: Since you went down the psychographic rather than the behavioral analytic path and as long as you brought up the subject of NLP, you could have at least tipped your hat to the extensive work done modeling investors. It represents a more relevant, context-sensitive, psychographic analysis of investors and how they make decisions.
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          • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
            Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

            Oh my goodness, Seth "Let me baffle them with even more bullsh*t" Czerepak tries to cover his mistake by laying sweeping claim to the notion of categorizing people.

            I'll say it again, just so we're clear: Lumping investors into problems solvers and WSO opportunity seekers is worse than useless. It's wrong.

            I am NOT saying categorizing people is wrong. I'm saying the two investor categories you created off the top of your head are inappropriate.

            Also, how people behave, the decisions they make in one area of life are often very different than in another areas. So all that NLP and meme crap isn't relevant unless it's context sensitive.

            For example, one can be a very defensive driver and a very aggressive investor at the same time. One can be heartless investor and a loving husband at same time.

            Not only that, but early in one's career they could have been a very conservative investor, and now because they have wealth, they can tolerate more risk.

            I submit the OP would gain far more mileage taking into account the life experiences of the intended investor than putting investors in boxes.

            Maybe they survived the stock market crash of 1987. Maybe they lost all their real estate equity gains in 2008. Maybe they have kids they're trying to put through college. Maybe they're living on a fixed pension or already retired. Maybe they hold stocks right now and riding the wave of the current market. Maybe they have medical challenges and worried about the impact Obamacare will have on them.

            These emotionally relevant "moving parade" life experiences would carry far more weight with me as I wrote the copy.

            - Rick Duris

            PS: Since you went down the psychographic rather than the behavioral analytic path and as long as you brought up the subject of NLP, you could have at least tipped your hat to the extensive work done modeling investors. It represents a more relevant, context-sensitive, psychographic analysis of investors and how they make decisions.
            Sigh, why oh why did I fall for a troll?

            You can have the last word on this if you'd like, I'm done debating.
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            • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
              Banned
              Originally Posted by sethczerepak View Post

              Sigh, why oh why did I fall for a troll?

              You can have the last word on this if you'd like, I'm done debating.
              A troll!? Boy do you have a lot to learn. Duris would blow you out of the water with any piece he writes.

              Have you even bothered to do your research? And you call yourself a copywriter? Here Mister Foot-in-Mouth... read this - http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...pywriters.html
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        • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
          Banned
          Originally Posted by sethczerepak View Post

          No. I don't study animal behavior to understand what motivates people :p.

          Actually, I'm familiar with it...but it's more of a generalization then my statement was .

          BTW: You might want to check my response to Ewen's answer before you call BS on things which have been researched and written about for decades.
          NLP eh? Hilarious. Pure quackery.

          Reviews of empirical research find that NLPs core tenets are poorly supported.[16] The balance of scientific evidence reveals NLP to be a largely discredited pseudoscience. Scientific reviews show it contains numerous factual errors,[14][17] and fails to produce the results asserted by proponents.[16][18] According to Devilly (2005),[19] NLP has had a consequent decline in prevalence since the 1970s. Criticisms go beyond lack of empirical evidence for effectiveness, saying NLP exhibits pseudoscientific characteristics,[19] title,[20] concepts and terminology as well.[21][22] NLP serves as an example of pseudoscience for facilitating the teaching of scientific literacy at the professional and university level.[23][24][25] NLP also appears on peer reviewed expert-consensus based lists of discredited interventions.[16] In research designed to identify the "quack factor" in modern mental health practice, Norcross et al. (2006) [22] list NLP as possibly or probably discredited for treatment of behavioural problems. Norcross et al. (2010) list NLP in the top ten most discredited interventions[26] and Glasner-Edwards and Rawson (2010) list NLP therapy as "certainly discredited".[27]
          and more -
          Neuro-linguistic programming has been characterized as a New Age[50][112] pseudoscience. Witkowski (2010) writes that "NLP represents pseudoscientific rubbish, which should be mothballed forever."[16]
          Next you'll be quoting something from the "Church" of Scientology to back up your spurious claims.

          Researched and written about for decades
          Yes indeed - and found to be a load of rubbish.
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    • Profile picture of the author MikeHumphreys
      Originally Posted by sethczerepak View Post

      One of the most important things to remember when writing a headline and opening is that there are two types of buyers:

      1) Problem solvers: these are security focused people. Sociological studies over the past 4 years have revealed that between 60 and 70% of the population are problem solvers.
      If problem solvers truly were 60-70% of the population then we wouldn't have societal issues like unemployment, credit card debt, world hunger, and countless other things.

      If 60-70% of the population were problem solvers then there would be a lot more people taking the information products they bought and putting its contents into action to solve their respective problems.

      2) Opportunity seekers: these are excitement focused people. Hype works better on them, just check out the WSO section. Most of what you see there is written for opportunity seekers. Same with the biz opp and MLM niches.
      Speaking from extensive experience in biz-opp, IM, investment (and a bunch of other niches)... what works for biz-opp niche does NOT always work for the investment/financial niche.

      If you pitch conservative investors (like dividend investors are) with hype, then you will fall flat on your face. With aggressive investors, it depends on the section of that target market you're targeting. Young, inexperience investors are far more likely to be swayed by hype than aggressive, experienced investors. Experienced investors will want to see the PROOF of your winning trades/investments/picks before they commit to buying from you.

      A common problem I've seen with entrepreneurs is that we, being opportunity seekers, think that everyone else thinks like we do. They don't. Unless you're in a niche which is teaming with opportunity seekers, problem solvers and security minded people are the majority.
      Yes, most business owners think everyone else thinks they do. (They also think their business is different from every other business which is completely false.)

      But the majority of the population are not problem solvers or risk takers. The majority of the population are not (financial) security minded either. If they were, then they wouldn't be eyeball deep in credit card debt and they would put an emphasis on "paying themselves first" to build their own financial security.

      If you lead with excitement, their "hype" filter is going to stay up and the message won't sink in. But if deal with the security issue, you can get them excited further down the page when their guard is down.
      If you wait until further down the page to get them excited then you'll lose the vast majority of them long before they get there. You have to hook them right from the first line and keep them hooked.
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      • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
        Originally Posted by MikeHumphreys View Post

        If problem solvers truly were 60-70% of the population then we wouldn't have societal issues like unemployment, credit card debt, world hunger, and countless other things.

        If 60-70% of the population were problem solvers then there would be a lot more people taking the information products they bought and putting its contents into action to solve their respective problems.
        lol, really? Who ever said they were successful at problem solving?

        By the same line of logic...

        If we have so many doctors and dieting programs in this country, why are people still obese?

        lol
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        • Profile picture of the author MikeHumphreys
          Originally Posted by sethczerepak View Post

          lol, really? Who ever said they were successful at problem solving?
          You were the one who brought up the "60-70% of people are problem solvers" point. The reality is the majority of people don't solve problems... they try to AVOID them or bury their head in the sand to avoid seeing the problems.

          That's why top-notch copywriters will agitate a problem in their copy and make it seem even worse before they present the solution. A solution that either solves or helps them avoid the problem.

          I called you on it because you were offering the OP advice that was not accurate or correct and could cost him money if he used it in his marketing.


          By the same line of logic...

          If we have so many doctors and dieting programs in this country, why are people still obese?

          lol
          By the amount of tap dancing you've been doing in this thread, you should go into politics.

          I'd be happy to answer this question for you if you want to start a new thread. I've worked as a personal trainer in the past. I have 2 health degrees and written copy that has produced over $1 million in sales for this niche alone... so I can speak quite honestly on the topic.

          But in fairness to the OP, I'm not going to side-track their thread into a "why so many people are obese" conversation that's not relevant to his investment salesletter.
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          • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
            Mal wins this thread with his clever headline.

            And Rick....

            What got you fired up today?

            At any rate...I LOVE it.

            "Angry Rick" is good for the forum.

            Adam
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      • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
        Originally Posted by MikeHumphreys View Post

        Speaking from extensive experience in biz-opp, IM, investment (and a bunch of other niches)... what works for biz-opp niche does NOT always work for the investment/financial niche.

        If you pitch conservative investors (like dividend investors are) with hype, then you will fall flat on your face. With aggressive investors, it depends on the section of that target market you're targeting. Young, inexperience investors are far more likely to be swayed by hype than aggressive, experienced investors. Experienced investors will want to see the PROOF of your winning trades/investments/picks before they commit to buying from you.
        Yes, I agree. Aggressive investors are less risk adverse...call it risk takers etc, same difference. Conservative investors, more security focused. Semantics. If there's a difference between the two, there has to be a reason for that difference.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kevin Slade
    Now that's the sort of critiquing I was hoping for. Thanks folks!
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  • Profile picture of the author LeeAshen
    Haha, there's nothing to critique is there?

    I swear, I've seen 500 just like these. Were they all written by you?
    If the hype train stock/forex sales pitch is what you want, isn't this exactly it?
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Just do us all a favor Seth and back up your still utterly bullsh*t claims with the specific sociological studies that lead you write that crap. You remember, right? The ones in the last four years that reveal 60 to 70% of the population are problem solvers? Then we'll all beg forgiveness, apologize profusely, and shut the f*ck up.

    Deal?

    - Rick Duris

    PS: Mal's right.
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  • Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill View Post

    Most prospective retirees know what a dividend is. They look for a track record and safety.

    I don't believe the offer will sell.

    Just a few points after reading it very quickly.

    I think the point about opportunity seekers vs problem solvers should be seen here in the sense of attitude to risk. High risk seeking or risk aversion?

    Retirees are usually risk averse. So the main benefit you stress should be the safe investment and risk aversion one.

    Agree the headline is too long and tries to do too much.

    I think some of the text could be cut out, there are redundant phrases and sentences throughout the body. I can't list them all here, there are many.

    And at the end you say "for the month of September"... you dont need to say that, everyone knows September is a month. Just say, "For September.." or "From (date) to (date)...".

    I don't like "You can make LOTS of money ... etc".

    Sounds speculative and risky, and sales template. Maybe I can make LOTS of money, but will I, and do I want to in my situation? eg If I'm a retiree I'm probably more concerned about my money being safe.

    Also phrase the "lots of money" in more specific terms - etc secure, regular dividends from solid blue chips etc. not high risk emerging markets, startups etc who may or may not make me lots of money.

    "lt's called a dividend, and you're probably very familiar with them already"

    I think retirees who are stock investors will be well aware by now of what a dividend is, so don't phrase it like that. It's more likely to annoy.

    I don't like the constant "...." at the end of the bullets. What does it do?

    You talk about yourself a lot: "I don't work that way".. "I know how to make that happen for you" etc.

    People don't care how you work. Turn it round and talk about them, ie using "You" instead of "I". Whats the benefit for them in how you actually work?
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  • Profile picture of the author Auxi
    The lenght of text is nightmare - I cant imagine client who will read it to the end
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Originally Posted by Auxi View Post

      The lenght of text is nightmare - I cant imagine client who will read it to the end
      You probably wouldn't read every word of this either...

      Bencivenga 100 Seminar

      Yet the live event which was limited to 100, sold out at 5k.

      And so have the recordings of the event, 5k again.

      Rookie mistake,
      you aren't your buyer!

      Best,
      Ewen
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