Please Critique / Help Me Improve My Sales Copy

When I read your headline, the appeal reminded me of Subway and Jared.

He lost his weight eating turkey subs from Subway three times a day.

Alex

I think that you need to rework your headline and few opening
paragraphs. First, they all seem to introduce new ideas so
you lose connection and it's very tricky to use questions
in headlines. If the answer is "No" to any question, then
it's like forcing the reader to stop reading.

You are in a very, very competitive market and so you need
to emphasize EARLY what is DIFFERENT about your product
compared to the thousands of others. That is what I would
introduce in my headline and opening paragraphs. In the
weight-loss market the strongest emotion you are dealing with
is disappointment over other products that didn't work, so
skepticism is very high. "Why should I try this new thing?"
is the biggest question you have to answer.

So start by acknowledging the prospects frustrations then
get into showing (with PROOF) how your product is
different.

Page looks clean and professional, but the message is
what's most important.

-Ray Edwards

Sales copy aside, your main hook is: "Restaurant Dieting for the Time Deprived"

But under...

You list stuff inside your book and it has nothing to do with Restaurant dieting. Seems like you bought some PLR weightloss ebook and are trying to spin it with a unique hook except it has nothing to do with your unique hook. This is a recipe for disaster when it comes to refunds. You probably should rethink your hook or at least write the e-book to actually match what you're selling.

A picture is worth a thousand words and a video ten thousand.


-Ray Edwards

1. I agree with Ray on the headline. Questions in headlines do work in certain situations but they absolutely MUST be what the person is thinking.

For example, a good headline to hook you in your current situation is:

"Want to know how you can improve your copy RIGHT NOW with 3 just simple steps?".

But even then, a headline without a question can be equally, if not more effective.

"Improve your sales message with feedback from over 300,000 marketing experts on Warrior Forums."

I'm a skinny guy so your product doesn't remotely apply to me, but I'm still not sure your headline works even on the target group.

2. After your headline and one or 2 paragraphs, throw in some bullet points to make the text less imposing, people will zoom into your bullet points and that increase the chance of them reading your whole copy.

3. That woman looks waaaaay too upset. She looks like she might lose her job or home. And she's skinny. So that's odd for your product. Overweight people are supposed to be that sad ones. You could even use a happy woman instead, she doesn't have to be sad or frustrated.

4. Your copy sets the mood for feeling depressed. The yellow and green doesn't help either. People buy more when they're happy. If people feel upset, they tend to run away without reading your whole copy.

Ok, I'm going to comment from a random visitor's perspective. This is something I learnt from someone and it hurts sometimes, but it gives you an accurate account of how visitors feel. I don't mean to be harsh, I mean to offer constructive feedback. Here goes:
___
It might be because it's 5am here and I just finished a project, but as I scroll down your page, I feel increasingly tired and unwelcome. After I force myself to the end and I go to the next page, I feel confused, why are there so many books now? I thought this was something about food? Now I'm confused. Oh, I saw some pictures of those books, but there was so much stuff I just didn't really get what you're trying to say. So is this a lifestyle package or are you trying to teach me about food? I thought it was about food. And I saw some funny FAQ about several thousand dollars, what was that about? And one of those questions sounded very condescending too. I value my time and I don't like being questioned like that. Whatever, I'm too lazy to figure this out. I'm off.
___

Was it harsh?

I'm sorry. I think there are a couple of things:

1. Your message isn't very clear a lot of the time, I have to put in effort to know what you're trying to say. People don't like that.

2. Your tone isn't always appropriate.

Both of these points can be seen here:

A: Do you value your time? If you’ve got time to scour the Internet and put together a diet plan for yourself, this book wasn’t meant for you. But if your time is limited and you want a scientifically proven way to lose weight and keep it off forever,

This message makes people who read it go, "Oh yea? Well, *expletive* you too." by the second sentence. I don't even want to hear the 3rd sentence after you talk to me like that.

You can simply say something like, I know your time is precious, help you save it, compiling it here for you, etc.

3. Do you really need so many FAQs? Sometimes it's great to have those, but if I don't have so many questions you're just putting them in my head. You really have an overdoes of questions in your copy, these questions are generating a lot of nos instead of micro yeses that you want. "No, I don't want to read AAAAALL this but it's so long and I can't just scroll past it" is also a no.

4. Have you overdone it with the bonuses? You have so many bonuses it looks like a lifestyle package and it's very intimidating. Like "Wow, what if I don't want to read all those books? I don't have time for all this..." It doesn't matter if it's free because you've created a rather big no at this point.

5. Is it possible to repackage it as a "liberating" lifestyle package instead? Or a group of books that help people in different ways? Choose to buy one, or buy more. Up to you, no obligation, it just gets cheaper. Buy one get one free is quite accepted but buy one get 4 free is just a shocker.