Would you PLEASE critique my seminar sales page ;)

You're not going to get any takers with this sales letter. First, there is no headline, which is the least of its problems.

I scanned through it, and it's very "clunky" and awkward throughout. I was also a bit confused. Was it a seminar or an info-product? It should be obvious to the scanner.

To justify the steep $1250 price tag, you'll need a much stronger letter that focuses on building value. Ask yourself, "Why would anyone spend $1250 for this? Where is the value? How can I demonstrate the value? How can I turn it into a bargain?"

Also... is this for cold prospects or a house list? It's pretty darn difficult to get a cold prospect to pay for a $1250 event. Seminar companies usually have free or cheap events to draw a crowd, get prospects into the funnel, then upsell to more expensive events while they are there. There are exceptions... but there is almost always at least SOME kind of purchase or involvement beforehand.

It's important to know whether this is for a cold prospect or an existing buyer. You have to work MUCH harder for a cold prospect. It looks like you've got some good credibility-boosting elements with the press mentions... but it will take more than that to get people to part with their hard-earned money.

Woah... just noticed this: why are there links to teleseminars at the bottom of the page!? Do you want people to sign up for the seminar, or download a teleseminar? There's loads of them! Get rid of those links on the sales page.

(Just clicked on one and noticed they are for sale, and take you directly to an order page. Do you want people to spend $47 for a teleseminar, or $1250 for the live event? You have WAY too many options going on here.)

There's a LOT I can say about this site, but don't have time to write it all out. If you'd like a more comprehensive critique, see my site below.

Okay, it's Friday night. I could be out on the town, meeting interesting people, maybe even some nice women, but I'm surfing the web because it's the safest thing I know how to do right now. See, I don't have the self-confidence I need to go out into the world. I've already predetermined I'm going to fail, so why bother.

I work a dead end job for slightly more than minimum wage because I know I'm not worth much more than that. Oh sure, like a lot of other guys, I fantasize about meeting a drop dead gorgeous woman all the guys just drool over. I dream about bringing her back to my beachfront bungalow in my red Cobra convertible so we can get to know each other a little better. But not tonight.

I hit your site hoping for a solution to my pain. You announce this Super conference. I don't have a clue what that means. I could hit the back button right then and there, but I plod forward. What you could have done was offer me a ray of hope in that headline. Even say something to get me excited. Heck, at this point I'd be happy just to meet another lonely soul. Then we could be lonely together.

Your first question to me I can easily answer: "NO!". Why? Because you didn't give me a reason in your headline to want to change my life. I'm not going to make this decision on my own. You're gonna have to hold my hand. You may even need to nudge me a bit.

Second sentence: Dr, Paul and his team of experts are going to teach me more of this and more. Well, I don't know this guy from Adam. So right now he has zero credibility in my book. And what exactly is "all of this and more?" You barely mentioned that in the previous sentence.

Now would be a great time to break out some intensely personal and emotional bullets that remind me what I'm missing out on and begin to lay the ground work for how I can benefit from this superconference. And you know what? The more I see that word "superconference" the more I see this huge crowd of people with bright lights and loud noises. That's really unnerving to me. I'm Mr. Shyguy.

What's that you say? Dr. Paul has a secret up his sleeve? I don't like secrets. I already feel like people are talking behind my back at work and
women secretly snicker at me just for smiling at them. I don't trust people who keep secrets.

Patented MindOS, KWML, and DatingOS Systems of Human Psychology? Way over me head. Talk my language or I'm gonna start feeling like a laboratory experiment. At the very least I'm feeling disconnected.

And watch your grammar. "Collaborate" means to work together. So when you say "they've collaborated together," it means they worked together together.

But really, all this is way too technical. If you want my attention, you need to address my dominant emotional needs. Tell me how you're going to help me build my confidence (painlessly!) so I can hold my own in a conversation and get out of this rut I'm in.

So far this entire letter reads like a promo aimed at getting a CEO to give a couple of his middle managers the day off so they can learn the latest employee relations techniques. Get more personal.

Under your subhead "Mastering Your Connections With Women" count how many sentences begin with "I". Almost every sentence. Talk to me about me. Show me more "you" and less "I".

Why is the conference discounted from $2500 to $1597? Without a valid reason I can't believe either number.

Good video testimonials should be placed higher up in your sales letter. Not one of these qualifies as "good." I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound harsh, but these gentlemen do nothing to encourage me. God bless them that they gotten this far. But they look and act just like me. Show me someone I can model. Someone who shows a bold transformation. Prove to me their money was well spent.

Bottom line: Spend some time getting into my head. Understand my fears. My frustrations. Then talk to me like a friend. Prove that you care about me. Then show me what $1250 will buy me and I might just take you up on your offer.

Be well,
Roger

Your website is tooooo:

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WIDE.

And did you even get that testimonial from David DeAngelo, because he seems quite big in your market?

Oh boy..there's A LOT of work to be done before this page will work.
Probably about 50 hours worth from a strong copywriter.

the good news is it looks like you have "the makings" of a good product in Dr. Paul.

I'll give you a few things to fix but there are many...

#1 - You need a headline. You need a headline that creates an image in the
readers mind of Dr. Paul's success in life and with women IN ACTION...and
makes the reader certain that Dr. Paul can make the reader into this same type
of person quickly and easily. (not an easy job for a headline...but thats' what you need)
If you can't do it in a headline do it with a headline and subheading.

#2 - Shorten the paragraphs, shorten the sentences and most importantly....shorten your Bullets

#3 - Make your paragraphs and all copy narrower on the whitespace...the width of the paragraphs is off-putting to the reader because it appears too lengthy.

#4 - Put the video testimonials BEFORE the offer

#5 - Remove the Next and Past teleseminars links at the bottom. When you're selling a $1250.00 ticket EVERYTHING on the page must contribute to selling THIS product.

#6 - Carefully restructure and organize your product description on the page. Breakout any of the components and highlight them with their own powerful benefts, some of these seem to be buried in the details now (like the dating consultation worth $2500 that you mention in your P.S.)

Good Call. THANK YOU GUYS!!!!