First sales letter - how did I do?

10 replies
Any and all feedback would be awesome. Page has really picked up on the SEO traffic front over the last couple months. Conversion rate is around 0.75% and I'm hoping I can get that up into the 1.5-3% range before investing more into paid traffic / email capture campaign / affiliates / etc.

Fissure Guide: How to Heal Anal Fissures Naturally

Let me know what you think, any tips/changes would be awesome!

Thanks!
#letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Cool Hand Luke
    How did you do? You didn't put the slightest bit of effort into it.

    This is your headline:

    "Here’s how you can finally
    get rid of anal fissures
    without undergoing ris
    painful and costly surgery"

    If you can't even be bothered to check your site for basic errors (in the headline, no less), why should anyone else be bothered to?
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  • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
    No joke... is this a personal problem you've had yourself that you've found a fix for?

    Because it doesn't read like you have personal experience.

    I should be reading this and literally "feeling" the pain of this affliction.

    Your pinky finger just got trapped in the hinge of a swinging metal door.

    See, you felt that pain, right?

    Well, your reader needs to feel pain like that through out this letter.

    Right now anal fissures sounds like a mild case of acne, when you should be making it feel like pooping barb wire.

    --- Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author verberatum
    Thanks for the advice, made the quick edit (not sure how that got through with multiple rounds of editing).

    How do I make it sound more personal? Any resources you recommend? Copywriter you recommend to improve sales letters?
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  • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
    You need to move your "How To" down more so that it's your headline. Then use the "Here's how" as your subhead.

    Then go into something like ..."my name is Mark Daniels and I've discovered an all natural way to heal anal fissures. More on that in a moment"

    See, now you haven't given away the big secret yet. Talk about the pain then talk about your solution. But, obviously don't give it away. Pain Then Solution.

    And structure your letter like your talking to someone one on one.


    Bill


    .
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  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    If you're getting super-targeted traffic from adwords, bidding on keywords like "anal fissures"... you may be okay using that term in the headline.

    Because most likely... only those folks who know what their issue is, who know they have anal fissures and are looking for that term specifically... they will know what the headline means.

    but for those who aren't aware of that term, but still have the problem... it may not resonate with them.

    It almost seems you're using this page more for search engine rankings than trying to sell. Most sales pitches won't use the keyword phrase that many times in the lead... it doesn't sound natural.

    I would definitely move the ebook cover from the top, and put it more towards the bottom so that your page looks more informational, like an article/editorial.

    with the ebook cover up at the top, it says "here's a book i want you to buy"

    Presto... defenses up...

    but look like a valuable article and editorial on this painful problem... and you'll get more people to read into it.

    The good news is... this is one of those problem areas that people won't need a TON of copy in order to be convinced. if they have this painful condition, the right amount of persuasive copy will get them to try it out.
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    • Profile picture of the author Crowbar
      I'm a pretty good copywriter, but I won't cite myself (and my low post count) as a reference for why your copy's good--plus how to make your sales letter better.

      I'll be citing John Caples and Gary Halbert (as well as Hopkins, Carlton, Kern, etc.) as a reference for most of this analysis.

      ...Analysis Point 0: Mind-Reading

      Most important, specific point that I thought of while writing this... What's on the reader's mind? Here's an idea to test:

      "Sharp, biting pains in your rectal area? Bleeding in the toilet when you're done? Here's your a fast and natural solution to stop anal fissures, the cause of these problems, once and for all. (If you can include "Free Bonus" in the mix, I think that'd improve your conversions immensely.

      ...Analysis Point 1: Specificity

      John Caples and Gary Halbert (as well as Hopkins, Carlton, Kern, etc.) all agree that we should be as specific and concrete as possible with our writing. Why specific? Because specificity tends to paint a more vivid (and more believable picture) that people are more attracted to... And you do this well in your copy.

      By saying things like "like passing broken glass, and the extremely uncomfortable burning, hurting pain..." does well to evoke a pretty decent image of the pain. Also, "...without undergoing painful and costly surgery" is a pretty damn good (and specific) point.

      The only mistake I see, though, is not having "A former chronic anal fissure sufferer shows you exactly how..." or "Like S***ting Shards of Glass!..." at the top.

      ...Analysis Point 2: Adding Exclusivity

      The biggest point that would increase the bottom line and help your customers would be to add these words to your headline: "exclusive" and "won't find anywhere else." For example:

      ...Exclusive: "Here’s how you can finally
      ...get rid of anal fissures
      ...without undergoing
      ...painful and costly surgery.
      ...You won't find this
      ...exclusive solution anywhere else.”

      Or

      ..."Let me share with you the only real, working method I've found in the
      ...past year to heal your anal fissures (without undergoing painful and
      ...costly surgery) that you won't find anywhere else."

      Or something like that.

      ...Exclusivity Continued

      Regarding exclusivity (or "scarcity") with your offer, here's and option to try that could give you a nice spike in sales.

      I see you have a fair price for your book (assuming it works), but there's no urgency in your offer (except for at the very, very end). For example, there's nothing that says that the prices go up.

      A very legitimate thing to do is have a calendar where you test various prices. Then you could say in an honest-to-goodness way that "Before you order, know that the price is set to increase soon/within the next 5 hours. If you really feel that this is for you, by ordering today you'll receive 30% of the price that others people just like you will have to pay tomorrow"

      This'll increase your conversion rate, because it squeezes the emotion of "What if I miss out?"

      Regarding your line at the end. You have a pretty good line in here. It says,"Not taking prompt and decisive action to heal your anal fissure naturally puts you at risk of being forced into taking surgery for treating this stubborn and extremely painful condition."

      That's pretty good. I feel like it could do a little more work by moving it up higher on the page.

      ...Overall

      I think it's an awesome letter that probably works great. Though EVERYTHING can be optimized (like this letter and its headline, offer, copy, sales appeal), you've done an excellent job in your writing, and I'm pleased to see your work.

      Thanks for letting us analyze it!

      ...Looking At The Other Replies

      Originally Posted by Ross Bowring View Post

      Because it doesn't read like you have personal experience.

      I should be reading this and literally "feeling" the pain of this affliction.

      Your pinky finger just got trapped in the hinge of a swinging metal door.

      --- Ross
      Ahhhh! Good example, Ross! I agree with this. You just reminded me about a dozen different experiences that makes me cringe

      Also, how about, "Like s***ting shards of broken glass." for the an example.

      Originally Posted by shawnlebrun View Post

      with the ebook cover up at the top, it says "here's a book i want you to buy"

      Presto... defenses up...

      but look like a valuable article and editorial on this painful problem... and you'll get more people to read into it.
      I think this needs to be tested. Because some people need to be "hard-sold" if their in a desperate situation... and a situation like having anal fissures seems pretty desperate to me.

      If this letter were to be tested against another letter that has the book at the bottom, I'd be interested to see the results.
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  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Originally Posted by verberatum View Post

    Any and all feedback would be awesome. Page has really picked up on the SEO traffic front over the last couple months. Conversion rate is around 0.75% and I'm hoping I can get that up into the 1.5-3% range before investing more into paid traffic / email capture campaign / affiliates / etc.

    Fissure Guide: How to Heal Anal Fissures Naturally

    Let me know what you think, any tips/changes would be awesome!

    Thanks!
    Time to test different gut responses to having fissures
    through Adwords.

    Test to see if they fear...
    surgery
    pills
    embarrassment of going to doctor
    no longer sexy to partner

    There's going to be ONE gut response which
    pushes their response more than others.

    Won't know unless you test or you already have deep insight
    into your market.

    Best,
    Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author eadviser
    The first thing that your visitors will see is your headline. I think it's not strong enough. You need to make it catchy and give your visitors a reason to say. You can mention the most important benefit in your headline -or- you can relate to them by sharing something that they fear.

    If you mention a problem in your heading, it's best to provide a solution in your sub-heading. Or, in your sub-heading, mention why you are the best person to solve this problem.

    It's best to test different headlines.

    You can add more value to your product by offering some sort of bonus product. But... It must be related to your main product. For example, you can share some recipes that can assist them in curing their problem. It's just an example. A bonus will simply make your product more valuable.

    One important thing... Your font size is very small. Add some space between the bullet points.

    In the first 7-8 paragraphs of your copy, you have used your keyword at least once in every paragraph. This is not a good practice.


    Regards.
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  • Profile picture of the author verberatum
    Great advice from everyone, thank you so much. I'm working on these items ASAP, its clear the copy needs a revamp and the page formatting / overall aesthetic.
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  • Profile picture of the author eadviser
    One more thing... If you create an urgency in your copy by saying that you will raise the price after 24 hours or so, ensure that you actually do that. If a person doesn't buy but comes back later and see the same line again with no increase in price, you will lose your credibility.
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