Question from a newbie

There's a lot of room for improvement in pretty much all areas in the copy. But one thing that immediately struck me that can be easily changed is your use of font colour and highlighting.

Maybe it's just me but I was instantly drawn to 'over weight?' and then 'exercise'. And then I thought 'no shit' and switched off.

I'm no expert but I would play with shifting the highlights to 'take control', 'right now', and 'without exercise'.

Your headline needs work.

Also don't make simple grammar mistakes, you're missing some capitals in places which ends up looking amateur and cheap. Your visitors will therefore think the content is cheap too.

Hi there Hypno Mind -

I am still new to all of this too but here are my thoughts regardless.

1) It always pains me to say this but when writing in English your grammar, punctuation and 'word-flow' are vital. I assume your target market will be English speaking people - If they come across a site where the English is broken, there are spelling errors, punctuation is in the wrong place and the sentences do not flow then they will not invest into your product no matter how good you feel it is. After all if you do not appear to care enough about the way your writing is presented how good can your product possibly be - at least, that's what they will think.

Maybe type it up in Microsoft Word and use the Spell Check tool, this should eliminate most issues and tell you when things don't 'flow'.

2) Maybe take a look at some high performing landing pages from known 'weight loss gurus' and see the way they write and lay out their squeeze pages. The more you look at the more of an idea you will get about how to lay out your page and how to get your prospects interest. At the moment if I was to land on this I would close the page right away, there is nothing there to catch me or to grab my interest. Look at the experts and use ideas from there - DO NOT copy word for word or steal their whole copy, not a good idea!

That's all from me for now, I need me a Green Tea! I imagine more experienced writers will chime in and give you some decent advice!

To your health,

Sean

Thanks guys, english is not my native language, I think that the gifts I'm giving are too much!! if anybodu here can help me out by writing to me some exemple of what I can write on my page that would be helpful, Thank you all

Like Sidney said, I'd find your one selling point and focus on that.

Also, since you're writing in a non-native language, you need need NEED to have a native speaker look over your copy before pushing a lot of traffic to it. (That's in addition to correcting the sloppy grammar mistakes.) Why would I want your English-language ebook if I your current copy is difficult to understand?

(Sorry, don't want to sound mean, but I believe in being straightforward.)

With just a quick review by a native English speaker, the meaning becomes much more clear:

Be one of the first 100 people to register for this 25 day course and get a FREE copy of Weight Loss Resolution (a $30 value)! This book will adjust your mindset, allowing you to see the path to your goals clearly and without confusion!

That's just clarifying the language. I'd suggest working with a newer copywriter who's willing to help you write your page – that way you both get good experience.

What would be helpful for squeeze pages is to work on headlines and leads.
Ultimately you want to build your squeeze page on curiousity to what you are going to offer.

You want to find one main pain point and use your word knife to twist that pain...

now all what I have is that 25 days weight loss program, how wan I create an interesting attractive headline to promote tht free program?

I would have to agree with what others are saying. Your headline needs work. For me, it is too wordy. Also, the grammar and sentence structure need to be fixed. As English isn't your first language, you're going to need to bite the bullet and get some help.

Best of luck!

Beth

I understand your feeling, Hypno.
Being a non-English speaker is a problems.
Your tittle need to be shorten. I think the highlighted words are quite enough for your advertising. Need a little arrangement, though.