by SE DON
22 replies
I can take harsh feedback, but please keep it clean. We recently redesigned this page and would love some feedback on the CTA and copy throughout.

http://www.crushbusiness.com/?x
#copy
  • Profile picture of the author svedski
    First of all, you misspelled "worse" in your headline/subhead.

    Second of all, it's hard to review if we don't know the awareness of the prospects you send to your website.

    Are they completely unaware of your book or will they have gotten to your page from being "pre-sold" (from Amazon, a radio interview etc)? If not, then change your headline immediately (what does Third Circle Theory mean?, I have no idea).

    Lastly, I think whatever it is you're trying to sell is very vague. What is it exactly that a reader will gain from reading your book? It says "Understand how passion is born", "Why failure and myths are easily overcome" etc. But then let me ask you, what failures? What "myths"?

    You talk about "bringing full awareness" and "reaching new heights" and so on. What do you mean with awareness? What "new heights"? Instead of those things, talk about what it is exactly that the reader will get after having read your book. How much money can they expect to make within the next 12 months? Will they be able to save their current failing business? And if so, how will you teach them how to do that?

    Also, since you're going to teach them how to become rich entrepreneurs, maybe you should introduce and talk a bit about yourself as well. Put a picture of yourself up there (maybe in a sidebar?) and give out a short biography. Maybe have a picture of yourself beside your own Lamborghini (if you own one).

    I like the design though, makes it seem exclusive and valuable. I also like how you put pictures of random people with Lamborghini's, making it seem like they're your students. Because they aren't, right? (If they are, use them to your advantage better. Get some killer testimonials (videos) if you can.)

    P.S. I don't know if I like the name of your first set of bonuses. "Stay Broke Forever"?

    P.P.S. Have you thought about adding a money-back guarantee? I'd put one in immediately.
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  • Profile picture of the author marciayudkin
    Just curious: Why would you target only men for this product?

    Every single one of your pictures of success is a man.

    Marcia Yudkin
    Signature
    Check out Marcia Yudkin's No-Hype Marketing Academy for courses on copywriting, publicity, infomarketing, marketing plans, naming, and branding - not to mention the popular "Marketing for Introverts" course.
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    • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
      Way too much car related imagery for a start.

      And not feeling your hook.

      Not getting me excited about the third circle.

      Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    Third Circle Theory?

    The second I saw the word Theory, I lost interest.

    Not the kind of branding that inspires confidence.

    Mark
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  • Profile picture of the author Don Grace
    Hey man, so first it doesn't matter if I or anyone else here "likes" your copy. What matters is if the market does and you only will find that out by testing.

    Now that being said and because I've written at least 300 pieces for this market... scrap it. Everything above the fold makes no sense in the first 3 seconds. It's so busy your eye's have no clue where to start.

    That is the PRIME real estate on your page that makes or breaks you. Your headlines do not say anything that resonate with the market and therefore your bounce rate will stink. Think about the core desire of the market.

    And I agree as well about all the fancy pants cars and such... Too much.

    The biggest problem I see is no proof or credibility. If you're gonna go the hype route, you gotta back it up. My advice is check out some Agora Financial letters. They are stupid simple plain and they absolutely kill it.

    Speaking of simple, dumb it down some and and shorten your heads and sub heads into easier to read, to the point of why they are reading this in the first place. Do not try to be a literary genius. This ain't being graded by an English professor. That first headline below the fold has got to go.

    Now, there is one very cool thing you have here, that Facebook comment thingamabober... That's cool, where did you get that?

    Hope that helps some,

    Don
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    • Profile picture of the author waynemoney
      Originally Posted by Don Grace View Post

      Hey man, so first it doesn't matter if I or anyone else here "likes" your copy. What matters is if the market does and you only will find that out by testing.

      Now that being said and because I've written at least 300 pieces for this market... scrap it. Everything above the fold makes no sense in the first 3 seconds. It's so busy your eye's have no clue where to start.

      That is the PRIME real estate on your page that makes or breaks you. Your headlines do not say anything that resonate with the market and therefore your bounce rate will stink. Think about the core desire of the market.

      And I agree as well about all the fancy pants cars and such... Too much.

      The biggest problem I see is no proof or credibility. If you're gonna go the hype route, you gotta back it up. My advice is check out some Agora Financial letters. They are stupid simple plain and they absolutely kill it.

      Speaking of simple, dumb it down some and and shorten your heads and sub heads into easier to read, to the point of why they are reading this in the first place. Do not try to be a literary genius. This ain't being graded by an English professor. That first headline below the fold has got to go.

      Now, there is one very cool thing you have here, that Facebook comment thingamabober... That's cool, where did you get that?

      Hope that helps some,

      Don
      Great advice I think your Headline needs to compel your audience to wnat to read.

      and you must have a good flow that is easy to read.
      I know it sucks but I think scraping it and starting again may be the best idea and the hype rout with no credability is no good.

      I know from experience hype needs some backing the more the better.

      Don't feel bad my first copy i wrote three times from scratch and then edited each about 50 times a piece.. After it was a ll said and done I must have spent weeks working on it and being picked apart.

      The bad thing is if I went back and did it again I could make it 1000% better with what I know now..

      That's how it goes..

      Keep it up you will get there and the more you are willing to put yourself out the more you will learn..

      There will always be something to learn.
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  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill View Post

    It's scammy as hell, won't sell unless it's off the guarantee, refunds will be horrendous.
    I'll second what Ken said... the moment you land on the site, it just "feels" scammy.

    Design and layout can either help the sale or hurt the sale... and for this I think the large, multi-colored font leads to the "scammy" feel.

    Newspapers and magazine articles are designed in a certain way for a reason... you don't see too many of them that look like this.

    The copy "could" be good, but I think the look and feel of the site is going to be a distraction. It made me not even want to read into the copy.
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  • Profile picture of the author SE DON
    I love the advice guys, please keep em coming.

    So far I understand a few things from this that I ll work on.

    - Headline CTA - " any advice"
    - Fonts and formatting


    To address a few points:

    - We do have a guarantee, so no issues there, its simply not listed on this new page that is not live yet.
    - Our current demographic is 17-30 year old males with a passion for cars.
    - Current conversions on our other live page with similar copy is at 2.76%
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      [DELETED]
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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        It's not apparent what your big idea is.

        Here's 2 examples that are clearer than yours...

        MJ DeMarco
        Faslane

        The Foundation
        Dane Maxwell
        5 part framework for launching companies from nothing

        In your third heading,
        you mention "Expanding your awareness"

        When selling ideas and the intangible,
        you have to make them so tangible
        as if you could hold onto it.

        Best,
        Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author SE DON
    how do you make awareness tangible? Can you provide an example?
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Originally Posted by SE DON View Post

      how do you make awareness tangible? Can you provide an example?
      That's the kind of thing a paying client gets.

      Sometimes I have to draw the line what I give out freely and what has to be paid for.

      Having over 3,000 thanks on this forum,
      does indicate I'm not a scrooge in giving.

      Best,
      Ewen
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    • Profile picture of the author MichelleLopezCO
      Originally Posted by SE DON View Post

      how do you make awareness tangible? Can you provide an example?
      Is your self-defeating "mind chatter" keeping you stuck driving an old beat-up Honda... when you could be driving THIS instead?



      To be honest though, I don't know if the cars are helping. Unless you're selling something specific to cars.

      What if you did a shorter page, one for each ebook?
      I can see "How to Drive a Luxury Car for Free" on its own short sales page being a potentially interesting read.

      There's too much going on... the page is too busy... trying to do too much.
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  • Profile picture of the author Sean Fry
    You have like 900 different headlines. And they're all weak.

    Get rid of the pics of the guys in front of their cars. That's not what success means for everyone, and is very "low level" imagery of success anyway. Or, use them sparingly later in the pitch during testimonials.

    Not feeling "Third Circle Theory" at all. Your customers don't want "theory," they want evidence and proof. Pictures of a bunch of dorks in front of sports cars is NOT proof. Pictures of luxury watches are not proof.

    "Discover how expanding your awareness can immediately increase your business results without spending another dime" sucks and is a non-hook.

    "Many of today's best known Entrepreneurs and Business moguls have have learned the art of living in the third circle..."

    You shouldn't be using that sort of terminology at that stage of the sales process.

    I don't like the phrase "crush failure," though I know why you're using it. I don't think it's a strong enough hook, especially because most entrepreneurs eventually learn very quickly that failure is good and without question part of being successful.

    Learning "awareness" and "perspective" is also not a strong hook. The rest of your bullet points are weak.

    I would bet that your product is solid, it deserves a much better pitch than what you have there.

    But...I really hope you are a successful businessman, and are teaching from a position of experience...because I can't tell at all who YOU are and why I should listen to anything you have to say.
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    • Profile picture of the author wordwizard
      Originally Posted by SE DON View Post

      I love the advice guys, please keep em coming.

      So far I understand a few things from this that I ll work on.

      - Headline CTA - " any advice"
      - Fonts and formatting


      To address a few points:

      - We do have a guarantee, so no issues there, its simply not listed on this new page that is not live yet.
      - Our current demographic is 17-30 year old males with a passion for cars.
      - Current conversions on our other live page with similar copy is at 2.76%
      This may explain a few things... I'm clearly not your target market!
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  • Profile picture of the author Don Schenk
    Hi Don, (BTW Great Name!)

    I am still trying to figure out what you are selling. At first I thought the site was a website about expensive sports cars.

    Okay, it's a book called Third Circle Theory, and is sold through e-Junkie. I am guessing it is about the importance of what Dr. Roger Von Oech (Creative Think) calls, "Looking for the second right answer."

    So, I suspect you are teaching people that successful entrepreneurs look beyond the obvious to come up with new ideas, and with new ways they can build successful businesses. I also see that you have interviews with successful entrepreneurs in which they share their success secrets. It took some sleuthing on my part to discover that.

    Wow! Tell your readers about it.

    Also after sleuthing, I found a page that explains the book!
    Secret Entourage Success Library | Secret Entourage

    I am thinking about the way Brian Tracy gives each of the techniques he teaches a title beginning with "The Law of..." So how about Law of The Third Circle? That is much stronger than Third Circle Theory.

    I looked at the source code of (spaces added to prevent a link here):
    http://www. crushbusiness. com /?x

    That took me to:
    http://www. secretentourage. com/store/ third-circle-theory-bundle/ ?x

    Which took me to: http://www. secretentourage. com

    At the bottom of the page I see "Copyright & copy; 2006-2013 Secret Entourage. All Rights Reserved," Which tells me the some version of the pages goes back to 2006. The Way Back Machine gives this:
    Secret Entourage | Rebirth of Entrepreneurship

    Third Circle Theory Coming In Early January 2013

    Tell people what the Third Circle book is going to help them do.

    :-Don
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    • Profile picture of the author SE DON
      Originally Posted by Don Schenk View Post

      Hi Don, (BTW Great Name!)

      I am still trying to figure out what you are selling. At first I thought the site was a website about expensive sports cars.

      Okay, it's a book called Third Circle Theory, and is sold through e-Junkie. I am guessing it is about the importance of what Dr. Roger Von Oech (Creative Think) calls, "Looking for the second right answer."

      So, I suspect you are teaching people that successful entrepreneurs look beyond the obvious to come up with new ideas, and with new ways they can build successful businesses. I also see that you have interviews with successful entrepreneurs in which they share their success secrets. It took some sleuthing on my part to discover that.

      Wow! Tell your readers about it.

      Also after sleuthing, I found a page that explains the book!
      Secret Entourage Success Library | Secret Entourage

      I am thinking about the way Brian Tracy gives each of the techniques he teaches a title beginning with "The Law of..." So how about Law of The Third Circle? That is much stronger than Third Circle Theory.

      I looked at the source code of (spaces added to prevent a link here):
      http://www. crushbusiness. com /?x

      That took me to:
      http://www. secretentourage. com/store/ third-circle-theory-bundle/ ?x

      Which took me to: http://www. secretentourage. com

      At the bottom of the page I see "Copyright & copy; 2006-2013 Secret Entourage. All Rights Reserved," Which tells me the some version of the pages goes back to 2006. The Way Back Machine gives this:
      Secret Entourage | Rebirth of Entrepreneurship

      Third Circle Theory Coming In Early January 2013

      Tell people what the Third Circle book is going to help them do.

      :-Don
      This is only a sales page for one product we have, not our site. We actually are looking for a page we can use off the site for cold leads. Our site dates to 2006, this product only to 2013.
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  • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
    As other have said, you site looks like a scam and way too much hype.

    Hire a professional copywriter to write your sales letter.

    You need to rewrite this sales letter totally to fix it. Start from scratch.
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  • Profile picture of the author davemiz
    copy sucks donkey balls... i still have no f*cking clue what the page is about.

    are you selling lambo's to young dudes?

    cuz thats all i see on the page.
    Signature

    “Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.”
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  • Profile picture of the author Michelle Green
    "WE NEED YOU TO JOIN US"?...what's in it for them?
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  • Emmmm...

    I'm confused looking at this sales page, which means...I've clicked the close button before you can say...look, I've got more pictures of cars to show you.

    This ad needs an injection of

    Clarity
    belief
    connection
    emotion
    scarcity
    a structured sales argument

    and that's just for starters...
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    • Profile picture of the author Ltemodel
      I would bulletize (if this even a word) the book out like many copywriters sell books.

      "Three business secrets guaranteed to slaughter competition (page 64)"

      Make some of them blind and some of them revealing.

      Mix it up.

      I think Carlton sold a sex secrets book like this once by just flooding the page with a ton of bullets.

      Figure out who your exact target market is and hit them right between the eyes with a headline that unglues them from their 'white noise' life. Talk right to them as if you were in a bar.

      This reads more like a confusing 30 second ad spot on TV.

      Too many vague headlines really misleads to what your message is really about.

      Sorry for being so harsh; at least you have the balls to give it a go.
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