Salesletter critique needed :)

by 16 replies
20
Hey guys...

So, I have written a salesletter
I have gotten some fellow marketers to take a look at it and so far the response has been good...

but... I'd really like to get some more "serious" feedback on it...

I have used Perry Belchers 21 step salesletter outline to get started...

Let me know what you guys think

Thanks,
Hjalte
#copywriting #critique #needed #salesletter
  • Headline: $100...and I have to wait 8 weeks? I understand it's easy, but that's a LONG time for most people, and hardly a great reward...in first world countries, anyway.

    Email lists and solo ads aren't exactly new to internet marketers. Who's your target audience for this? I'm not getting a clear picture.

    I think you could cut everything up to "I went from making $500 a day to having a hard time pull in $50 bucks…"

    Your guarantee is pretty good. Valerie's picture jumped out at me.

    I think you could chop this down quite a bit on length and it would have a similar effect without people dropping off early on. Target to marketers who have made money in the past, but have experienced a downturn similar to yours and are looking for a way out.
    • [ 2 ] Thanks
    • [1] reply
    • Do you suggest I phrase it otherwise? Or maybe leave the 8 weeks thing out?

      My target audience is people, in the US (mostly males), age around 25-35, who have some experience online. Maybe they have made a sale or two online. Tried affiliate marketing, tried building a list etc. but without luck... They are looking for something that can make them money. A system with clear instructions on how to build a business that makes them enough to quit their job, but still being able to support their family.

      Are you talking about the headline here?


      Thanks. Appreciate your help

      - Hjalte
      • [2] replies
  • Thought the warning thing was a bit out of place...

    was waiting for you to break bad on me, or try a triple round house kick or something.

    After the warning I kept waiting for it...waiting for it...waiting for it...

    Hmmm.
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
    • [1] reply
    • Thanks. You are right :rolleyes:
  • Where is your traffic coming from? Are you assuming (in your headline) that the readers know what a solo ad is?

    I found the phrase 'solo ads business' confusing. At first glance (at least to me) it looks like some kind of 'solo business' (as in a business done by yourself). It will be confusing for those who don't know what solo ads are.

    Also, if I read correctly you are selling a course on how to make money selling solo ads to your email list but you also say in the letter:

    So you are advocating making money selling Solo ads but leaving doubt that the people who purchased those same solo ads would get their monies worth?

    Why don't you try stepping the headline back to some of the main benefits the reader will get if they purchase your course:

    "56 Days From Now You Could Be The Proud Owner Of A $100 Day Per Day Income Stream That Is Predictable, Reliable And 100% Controlled By You (And Not By The Whims Of Google, Facebook Or Anybody Else For That Matter)."

    Just a thought....
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
    • [1] reply
    • Thanks man...

      You are spot on on the solo business thing. I made the mistake of assuming people know what I know... Thanks for pointing that out.

      I can see why the "I couldn't make money with these.." part is confusing... It's meant to illustrate that I'd tried those methods, wasn't "smart" enough to get them to work, but then I found about selling solo ads - and that's so easy that anyone (even me) can do it

      I like the headline you wrote. Much better than mine
      • [1] reply
  • quick thoughts...

    in the lead...why do i need to read this now? no urgency

    look at your subheads...are they interesting? why would I read them?

    no reason given for your dramatic price drop.

    look at all the time you use the word "I"

    change all of them to "you"

    make this more about the customer and not about you.

    make them understand that you feel for their situation.

    Tell them how what you have is different.
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
  • Writing a good headline starts with your traffic source. Assuming you're marketing to people who don't know who you are, your hook is really weak. You need a story that challenges their assumptions about making money. Try this....

    "This Newbie Marketer's Story Proves that You CAN Make $100 a Day, Starting This Weekend, Even if You Have NO LIST, NO Experience and a Tiny Marketing Budget."

    Then, restructure the letter to feature that James Kirk guy's story and introduce yourself later.
    • [1] reply
    • Thanks Seth.

      How do you mean I should feature that story? I don't understand...

      Thanks,
      Hjalte
  • Quick question regarding this letter... What would cost to have one of you guys clean this letter up and make it ready?

    I'm having a real hard time getting this done. I'm in some kind of information-overload state right now
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