What am I doing wrong with my copy?

24 replies
Here are two sites that I have:

1.'Meal Plan to Lose Weight (Keyword)

Meal Plan to Lose Weight - Home


2. The other one is a sales page for an ebook which I just started yesterday, I don't know, but I kind of seem like a scammy person. I don't know how I ended up like that though.

myebook


But I looked at all the copywriting information out there, and I am doing what it says:

- I got my benefits of the book
- I used scarcity
- Gave info about myself
- I said You the majority of the time
- Testimonials (I don't have testimonials yet)
- Short sentences and short paragraphs
- Bulleted lists
- I compared my myself to my competition.
- I used call to action

I don't get it. What would my sales copy be missing?


I don't know what I did wrong. People just don't believe me.


Also, when you write books, should you use sales copy?

I got a comment that said my writing is not that interesting, and the people that were reading stopped at the the 3rd line. I don't know why this is.
#copy #wrong
  • Profile picture of the author Cool Hand Luke
    That is the worst sales page I've seen in a long time, for WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too many reasons to list. Either hire a copywriter or go back to the drawing board, bud. You've got a lot to learn and a lot of work to do.
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    • Profile picture of the author bigfoot875
      Ignore the other things that I have on my website. I don't care about that right now.

      Just focus on what I wrote.
      Signature

      My YouTube Music Channel: CBasie2856

      https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpP...6597yI4bHG6ygg

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      • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
        Originally Posted by bigfoot875 View Post

        Ignore the other things that I have on my website. I don't care about that right now.

        Just focus on what I wrote.
        I think THAT is what Luke's referring to... what you wrote AND just about everything else.

        You don't start a sales page with...

        "You are probably sitting there miserably just thinking about your life, and how bad it really is. You are probably in one of the situations - either you just got fired, you got divorced, you are getting bad grades at school, you can't find a good paying job, or you are very unhappy with your life."

        That's not connecting with the reader, or empathizing with him/her.... it's basically just making some assumptions that you have no idea about.

        Tip: find the top performers who are in the same markets/niches... and study their letters. Model them... because unfortunately you're going down the wrong path.
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        • Profile picture of the author bigfoot875
          Originally Posted by shawnlebrun View Post


          You don't start a sales page with...

          "You are probably sitting there miserably just thinking about your life, and how bad it really is. You are probably in one of the situations - either you just got fired, you got divorced, you are getting bad grades at school, you can't find a good paying job, or you are very unhappy with your life."

          .
          So wait... there's a certain order about sales pages people go about?


          How come people don't tell you this in the books?
          Signature

          My YouTube Music Channel: CBasie2856

          https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpP...6597yI4bHG6ygg

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          • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
            Originally Posted by bigfoot875 View Post

            So wait... there's a certain order about sales pages people go about?


            How come people don't tell you this in the books?
            Well, most of the good ones DO...

            "Copy is not written. If anyone tells you that you write copy, sneer at them. Copy is not written. Copy is assembled. You do not write copy. You assemble it.

            You’re working with a series of building blocks. You’re putting the building blocks together in certain structures. You’re building a little city of desire for your person to come live in. You’re not writing. You’re assembling. You’re assembling claims. You’re assembling images. You’re assembling desires that people will pay $33.00 to share with you and a 21-day guarantee."

            That's what the great Eugene Schwartz wrote in Breakthrough Advertising.

            Here's one you can use, courtesy of Craig Clemens and Eben Pagan...

            Headline.
            Subhead.
            Questions that show you understand and push buttons.
            Powerful analogy or story.
            It’s not your fault and there’s hope.
            Give away content.
            Proof.
            What is it I'm offering? What’s in it?
            Bullets points/benefits
            Who needs it? Who doesn’t?
            What makes it different?
            Wrap up.
            Price.
            A guarantee.
            A close.
            A signature.
            Your P.S.
            Your testimonials (these can be placed throughout)
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          • Profile picture of the author Cool Hand Luke
            Originally Posted by bigfoot875 View Post

            So wait... there's a certain order about sales pages people go about?

            How come people don't tell you this in the books?


            You HAVE to be trolling at this point.
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        • Profile picture of the author Raydal
          Originally Posted by shawnlebrun View Post

          Tip: find the top performers who are in the same markets/niches... and study their letters. Model them... because unfortunately you're going down the wrong path.
          This is one of the most common sense things to do in any field and I find this
          is rarely followed. When I wrote my first online sales letter to sell my very
          firs ebook I modeled a sales letter by Yanik Silver, I think. The product
          had nothing in common with mine but I thought that he knew what he was
          doing to make online sales so I tried to follow the IDEA and LAYOUT
          of his letter. (Don't even remember the product.) Of course I also asked
          fro feedback on a forum (NBT) and adjusted accordingly.

          In addition there is a stickie above with a great checklist--so many
          more resources available today than back then.

          -Ray Edwards
          Signature
          The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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        • Profile picture of the author brutecky
          Originally Posted by shawnlebrun View Post

          You don't start a sales page with...

          "You are probably sitting there miserably just thinking about your life, and how bad it really is. You are probably in one of the situations - either you just got fired, you got divorced, you are getting bad grades at school, you can't find a good paying job, or you are very unhappy with your life."
          LOL .. thats awesome, just imagine a commercial like this. Some dude gets on TV and says .. Hey fat ass, your probably thinking about what a looser you are right now watching TV instead of doing something productive ...
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  • "You are probably sitting there miserably just thinking about your life, and how bad it really is."

    Could be a good song title.



    Signature
    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
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    • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
      Originally Posted by KingOfContentMarketing View Post

      "You are probably sitting there miserably just thinking about your life, and how bad it really is."

      Could be a good song title.

      Funny Country Song Names - YouTube

      Joe, isn't that what EVERY country song starts out with?

      I lost my wife, my dog, my house just rolled away on it's wheels... and now I'm sitting here thinking about how bad my life really is"
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      • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
        Banned
        Originally Posted by shawnlebrun View Post

        Joe, isn't that what EVERY country song starts out with?

        I lost my wife, my dog, my house just rolled away on it's wheels... and now I'm sitting here thinking about how bad my life really is"
        "My wife done left me and ma dog ran away with the bitch next door...
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  • Profile picture of the author Tim R
    The fact that you don't know why your sites are so bad means you don't have even a basic grasp on the principles of copywriting or marketing.

    If you're actually serious about this then you need to put some time into studying the craft. I don't know what books you've supposedly read, but even reading a handful of free articles online should be enough to answer the questions you've asked here.

    How many sites have you seen that are successful that look like yours?

    Tim.
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  • Profile picture of the author DanSharp
    My "3 Step System For Saving Copy-Newbies' Necks":

    Step 1.
    Block out a month on your schedule.
    Step 2. Go to thegaryhalbertletter.com.
    Step 3.
    Read EVERY PAGE on that site. Do what he tells you where appropriate.
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  • Profile picture of the author joshril
    Originally Posted by bigfoot875 View Post

    Here are two sites that I have:

    1.'Meal Plan to Lose Weight (Keyword)

    Meal Plan to Lose Weight - Home


    2. The other one is a sales page for an ebook which I just started yesterday, I don't know, but I kind of seem like a scammy person. I don't know how I ended up like that though.

    myebook


    But I looked at all the copywriting information out there, and I am doing what it says:

    - I got my benefits of the book
    - I used scarcity
    - Gave info about myself
    - I said You the majority of the time
    - Testimonials (I don't have testimonials yet)
    - Short sentences and short paragraphs
    - Bulleted lists
    - I compared my myself to my competition.
    - I used call to action

    I don't get it. What would my sales copy be missing?


    I don't know what I did wrong. People just don't believe me.


    Also, when you write books, should you use sales copy?

    I got a comment that said my writing is not that interesting, and the people that were reading stopped at the the 3rd line. I don't know why this is.
    On the 1st site... there are a lot of issues...

    It takes WAY too long to load. I assume it's that image you have at the top. That image needs to go. I don't even know what the site is about. You should have text and/or a video... something telling me what this is, why I should read more, etc.

    I didn't make it much further than that... there really is no point digging into the copy until you fix those two BIG issues.

    I'd recommend hiring a copywriter on this if you can afford to spend the money.

    Thanks,


    Josh
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    • Profile picture of the author enger
      My friend, as others have already said... There are too many issues with your sales letter to list here. But I will name 3 for you to try and help you out..

      1. Never use a reverse layout, that is white text on a dark background. Research shows it is a lot harder to read and kills response. Change it to black text on a white background or similar.

      2. Try to write 50-100 bullet points about what your prospect will discover when they purchase. Some of the best info product sales letters ever written have just bullet points for copy (google Mel Martin).

      3. Add some sub heads and copy doodles to break up the copy.

      Seriously though, it takes around 12 months before new copywriters get any good... And around 3-5 years before they become really good. Hire someone to write it for you mate and save yourself wasted time, headaches and disappointment .

      Good luck
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      • Profile picture of the author bigfoot12
        I make on average about 150 dollars per week working at Kroger, plus in a few days, I will be starting to invest in a Vanguard stock index fund. Would 150 dollars be enough to cover all the expenses of hiring copywriters to write my site?


        Are you supposed to use copywriting on all your webpages, or only the sales page?


        Originally Posted by joshril View Post

        It takes WAY too long to load. I assume it's that image you have at the top. That image needs to go. I don't even know what the site is about. You should have text and/or a video... something telling me what this is, why I should read more, etc.
        Josh
        That's weebly's image. I thought that stuff was supposed to load fast and be good for my ranking on Google. I guess I was wrong.
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        • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
          Originally Posted by bigfoot12 View Post

          I make on average about 150 dollars per week working at Kroger, plus in a few days, I will be starting to invest in a Vanguard stock index fund. Would 150 dollars be enough to cover all the expenses of hiring copywriters to write my site.
          !

          --- Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    Apparently there's somewhere between 12 and 875.
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  • Profile picture of the author JonMills
    I wouldn't even call it a sales letter.

    Enter the conversation already going through their head. If you don't know what that is, find out or get out of the market. Hang around a market long enough, you soon figure out what pisses them off, what gets them excited and what makes them take action.
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    • Profile picture of the author dadadada
      If you really want a practical advice, then do this:

      1. Check out any Mark Twain's book in the library

      2. Read, study, and memorize one page per day

      3. Close the book and write (or type) that page as much as you remembered it, not trying just to copy, but to understand the process and the word flow

      After you've mastered a few Mark Twain's books move to Stephen King.

      Give it a few months and then go back to your blog. You will understand.
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