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Copy Critique Request: What do you think of this home renovation ad?

by maximus242
8 replies
Your feedback and opinions on this ad please


How To Get A High Quality Home Renovation At A Guaranteed Price, Finished Precisely When We Say It Will Be - Or We Pay You!

Dear Homeowner,

If you don't want to compromise on the quality of your home renovation, and... are scared your going to be overcharged or watch as your contractor misses the deadlines... then I have exciting news for you.

Here is what this is all about: My name is X and I have been on job sites with my father since I was 12. Together we run and operate a home renovation company. Our renovations have even been featured in Home & Garden Magazine. In fact some of our clientele includes...

A Vice President of Shell Oil
Billionaire Oil Magnates Who Cannot Be Named Publicly
CEO's of multi-billion dollar companies in Calgary
The #2 Plastic Surgeon in Western Canada
And More!

You would think with such a prestigious clientele we would charge sky high prices. Many people are shocked when they discover our prices are quite competitive. Considering that Home & Garden put our renovation on their magazine, you dont have to guess that we produce very good work.

The secret is my fathers craftsmanship. For over 35 years he has studied virtually everything he can about home renovations. He knows how to build a home from the ground up. You can ask him any question about a home renovation, and either he knows the answer - or has someone on speed dial who is an expert in the topic. With that kind of knowledge base, built up over a lifetime of craftsmanship - he has become a master at producing beautiful work. Whats most surprising is we can create solutions that will work for your budget.

How is this possible? Two reasons:

1. A large part of the cost is the materials you choose to use. If you want to save money you dont need to go with exotic woods or imported italian marble

2. The labour required for a job is dependent on the complexity. The more complex you make the renovation the longer it takes. If you want the job done quickly without compromising quality we can offer you simple and beautiful solutions that are economical.

Even better, we guarantee our price or we will eat up the cost of anything that goes over it. So the price we quote you is the price you pay, and not a dime more. If there is any additional costs, we will be the ones to bear the cost, not you.

There is only one exception to this guarantee. That is, if you decide to add anything on that you didn't request when we quoted you the price. For example if you decide that you like your kitchen renovation so much that you want to do the bathroom too - then you have to pay extra for that. Of course, we will put everything in writing so its absolutely clear what you are paying for and precisely what you will get.

Even more exciting, we will deliver the work on time or we will give you a $100 discount on the price for every day we are behind if we cant! There is an exception to this, which is that we need to have undisturbed access to your home when you say it is available.

So if, when we quote you, you say we can work from 8 am to 5 pm and for two days we are not able to do that because of some fault on your end, then we are not liable for those days. However, if your house is available to be worked on during the time you told us it would be available, then we are liable for any missed deadlines.

We normally have a long waiting list, but we just had a cancellation for a very large job that was going to take several months. This has created a sudden and unexpected opening in our schedule.

So, we have created this advertisement to fill the sudden opening fast so we dont waste our time. If you act quickly, we might be able to fit you in our schedule before moving on to our other projects. Call xxx-xxx-xxxx immediately if you are at all interested before someone else fills our schedule.

We guarantee to provide you with a quote within 48 hours of calling us or we will give you $20 in cash!
#copy #critique #home #renovation #request
  • Profile picture of the author enger
    Is this for an offline prospecting letter or web page? You have done a good job with the copy otherwise.

    1. I realise you have listed your previous clients, however is there any chance of adding some results based testimonials as well?

    2. All good ads make an offer. What is yours? I don't know how much your average customer is worth or how targeted your list is, but could you attach say, a $500 cheque to the letter and tell prospects they can spend the cheque on your services if they called you before a certain date? I have used this technique with numerous clients and it has worked a treat... But once again don't know what your average client is worth or how targeted your campaign will be.

    3. Could you expand on the Home and Garden magazine part of your letter? You could really hit a home run with this so you'd get more value from it if you featured it. Maybe turn the background story of the job into a story demonstration. eg: The owner was unsure, you finished the job on time and on budget and the owner was so pleased with your work, he told his friends. Word spread and soon after, Home and Garden Magazine came knocking. They were so impressed, they eventually featured it on the front page of their magazine... Something like that.

    Good job with the letter otherwise. Best of luck with it
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Here's a proven one to model...

      Best,
      Ewen

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    • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
      Banned
      Originally Posted by enger View Post

      You have done a good job with the copy otherwise.
      I beg to differ - I think it's very ordinary. I think it was Halbert who said "America opens its mail over the trash can". So your first job is to hook the reader. Stand out. You've got a couple of seconds to do that and then you're history (and BTW it's "you're" - an abbreviation of "you are". Not "your" in this sentence you wrote - are scared your going to be overcharged. Spellcheck. )


      You start with How To Get A High Quality Home Renovation At A Guaranteed Price, Finished Precisely When We Say It Will Be - Or We Pay You!

      It's less than stellar. And for God's sake ditch that outdated and cheesy salutation Dear Homeowner.

      Here is what this is all about.
      Facepalm. Then you promise exciting news and leave me flat. What's so exciting about what you did for some billionaire?
      Who cannot be named publicly.
      LOL. I could care less. What can you do for me?

      It goes downhill from there. Sorry mate but this won't cut it. Have another go. Use this trick - instead of imagining you're pitching thousands of homeowners...write it like its an email or letter to your Mother's best friend. Like this -

      "Dear Marge, I hear you're looking for a reliable builder. You know that big place over on Rayner's Road? With the dormer roof and the cedar shingles. Pa and I built that. We get a lot of comments about that job. And so we should. It looks great don't it? We promised we'd finish in 3 months and we actually took it to lock-up in two and a half months. And you might remember it rained a lot this last Summer. Not only did we finish the job on time but we managed to get The Lambes a great deal on those shingles. You know what Dad's like - he won't settle for seconds or third quality timber. He's been in the building game for 40 years and as he always says "Do it once, do it right".

      blah blah blah



      Remember - you have only a few seconds to differentiate your offer for all the other crap that floods our mailboxes daily. We're constantly bombarded with Advertising. Make yours stand out.

      We normally have a long waiting list, but we just had a cancellation for a very large job that was going to take several months. This has created a sudden and unexpected opening in our schedule.
      Ha ha ha. Yeah - right. I don't believe a word of it. And your target won't either. This is a door-to-door salesman tactic.

      Oh yeah - the last line. Pure desperation with no credibility.
      We guarantee to provide you with a quote within 48 hours of calling us or we will give you $20 in cash!
      Do you honestly think people are interested in that? Do you honestly think they are going to be bothered chasing you up for a lousy twenty bucks? All it does is cheapen your offer. If the Father & Son renovation team were so good they wouldn't even have to advertise - they'd be working off referrals.
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    I like Mal's "Dear Marge" paragraph.

    You can use the "cancellation" tactic to prove why you are available. But you must give a good "reason why" the work was cancelled. Or people may think it's a trick or worse still that you weren't good enough for the job.

    It could be "cancelled" because "the owners went on a 3 month holiday," "had relatives come to stay long term", "decided to sell because of a new job", "they wanted to save up and have more work done at the same time" or whatever.

    It really should be a truthful reason (telling fibs always comes back and bites you).


    Steve
    Signature
    http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Maximus, what may be helpful is understanding the difference between generating leads and making a sale.

    Generally speaking, with these types of endeavors, all you're trying to do is get the phone to ring.

    So what would you need to say, do or provide to make that happen?

    Maybe it's just to say something like "Our loss is your gain. An unexpected cancellation of a large renovation project has left us scrambling to keep our workers busy. If you've been putting off a home renovation project because of high estimates, give us a call right away (XXX)YYY-XXXX. We're cutting once-in-a-blue-moon deals like you wouldn't believe..."

    It doesn't have to be a lot, just enough to get the phone to ring. The key is to create urgency to pick up the phone now.

    - Rick Duris
    Signature
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    • Profile picture of the author ThePromotionalGuy
      Maximus,

      Let me start off by saying congratulations on trying your hand at copywriting your ad. That's more than most business owners are willing to do.

      After reading your ad and all the feedback, there is one point not mentioned that will skyrocket your future ads as you continue your testing and work with your ad copy.

      As a doer of the thing we tend to write our ad copy from that position. Here's what I mean.

      I come from a technical background and when I would write my ads I would use my industry's technical jargon to sell. It looked good on paper but it brought in very little sales.

      As I read through your ad copy I was reminded of what I use to do. Bare in mind your competitors would see nothing wrong with what you wrote because they too would write from a position of the doer of the thing.

      The skill you are now using takes a different technical approach and one you will grasp the more you use it. It will seem odd at first trying to convince your reader to buy from you when you remove your interests and accomplishments from the front of your copy and put them towards the back of the ad(s) or remove them all together.

      Again thank you for giving us more copy to read and study which also helps us to make sure we practice what we teach.
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    • Profile picture of the author maximus242
      Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

      Maximus, what may be helpful is understanding the difference between generating leads and making a sale.

      Generally speaking, with these types of endeavors, all you're trying to do is get the phone to ring.

      So what would you need to say, do or provide to make that happen?

      Maybe it's just to say something like "Our loss is your gain. An unexpected cancellation of a large renovation project has left us scrambling to keep our workers employed. If you've been putting off a home renovation project because of high estimates, give us a call right away (XXX)YYY-XXXX. We're cutting once-in-a-blue-moon deals like you wouldn't believe..."

      It doesn't have to be a lot, just enough to get the phone to ring. The key is to create urgency to pick up the phone now.

      - Rick Duris
      great point cheers
      Signature

      xResponsive Advertising Agency | Direct Marketing | Online Advertising | Create Breakthrough Campaigns for Your Business http://xresponsive.com

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      • Profile picture of the author splitTest
        Needs shorter sentences. And a more readable structure. Some stuff can be reduced to bullet points. Needs a "p.s." Maybe subheads? And wrap the letter around your hook.

        Personally, I'd go with a hook other than the "or we pay you" thing.

        You have a really good hook in the "homes and garden magazine" reference. (Btw, isn't it "better homes and gardens"?) Customers will likely be more impressed and intrigued by that than by any guarantee that you'll make things up to them should you screw up.

        Homeowners don't want the screw ups at all, no matter how you promise to make it up to them. Especially not as the main selling point.

        Yet third party "endorsements" are more credible than most things you can say.

        You might even include clips of the BH&G articles that feature your work in the package you mail.

        And you don't need to explain the exception to your guarantee! Do that when you have the business in hand. This is a sales letter, not a contract. Tell them what you're going to do for them and keep it straightforward and unconvoluted.

        ...So all in all, I'd go with something more like "our quality is so great we've been featured in BH&G, and -now- we're making this extraordinary guarantee... so you can't go wrong.." Of course, not in those words, but that would be the theme of the letter (... or is it an "advertisement" as you say? I hope not. It's much worse as an ad.)

        It's basically a little too "all over the place." You're trying to pack too much in there and it needs better structure.

        That's my $.02. Your start would be great to hand off to an experienced copywriter, because there are plenty of good sales points to work into a better piece...
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