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Critique Squeeze Page Copy, Please.

by ARSuarez
9 replies
Hello Warriors,

I usually don't post here, but I am taking a different approach for my squeeze page. Typically, it's short. This time around, it's a big longer. I am only attaching the .pdf; the page has a layout but has not been launched.

Sincerely constructive criticism is a good idea. I am asking for all of your views, as qualified CW's, for this reason.

Thanks everyone!

Respectfully,

Angel
#copy #critique #page #squeeze
  • Profile picture of the author MontelloMarketing
    Far too much there... and no indication where you would be placing the optin form.
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  • Profile picture of the author kristianw
    I agree with Montello.. Also I think the 'Angel' Signature could use some work.
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Okay, let me see if I can keep this constructive...
    The piece is way too long. It's vague and it meanders all over creation with only wispy clues as to what you're offering. You finally get around to specifics on page three, but by then, nine out of ten of your readers will be gone.

    What you need to do is first clearly present the problem. That being, there's negativity all around. People will rob you of your dreams if you allow it, etc. What you have isn't at all specific. For example:

    "Don't let the world drag you down. Ignore your neighbors - they're all predicting the next Y2K. These folks just want to hold you back. And they'll do it, too. If you let them, these vampires will suck the ambition and dreams right out of you. And it will all be with smiles and "kindness."

    What on earth are you talking about? I'd suggest you give specific examples of people holding others back or you've got nothing. Put stuff in there that folks can personally relate to. Once you've shown legitimate problems, you can go for specific solutions.

    Sell the benefits. You're going to have to cut loose with some actual remedies or techniques. Your 'check' or bullet points are a start but can be made much better. Oh, energy sucking and ambition murdering should both be hyphenated.

    Another thing that I didn't understand was this:

    I Laughed At Anything Promising Wealth -
    But When I Started To Apply It!

    I don't get it. A good thing to remember is this: A confused mind always says no.

    Good luck!
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    • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
      Thanks for the critique so far, everyone. I'll put them into play.

      Keep 'em comin'.

      Best,

      Angel
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  • Profile picture of the author icering87
    "And It’s Absolutely Free To Get Started " subhead is a killer for me. That turned me off rigth away. First I don't know what you're talking about...then you tip me off this a program...that cost money too...

    "Don’t let the world drag you down. Ignore your neighbors – they’re all predicting
    the next Y2K." What's that suppose to mean?

    "I’ve been up the road." What's that mean?

    I think the copy has some serious issues. I have to second guess almost every statement. I think this sums up eveyone's critque so far:



    That's what I was doing the whole time. I think this a very accurate response to the page.

    The key thing I think this needs...is clarity...
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    • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
      Hello Warriors,

      I took the entire copy back to edit and started over with a second draft. I am not looking for length critique, more so content and copy. Really appreciate all the help.

      Best,

      Angel
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    Better. Keep re-writing. Personal development
    is a tough sell - You might try writing your letter
    swiping the structure of classic positive thinking
    or mind-power ads.

    I tend to write a lot and edit ruthlessly - because
    sometimes my writing is bad but has good nuggets
    in it that only shine with an effort to polish them.
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    • Profile picture of the author CopperCopy
      Here is a suggestion to think about as you revise:

      The first part of the actual sales letter starts off:

      Dear Friend,

      If you are looking to improve your life in a very real way, this is one of the most important messages you'll ever read.
      In what ways can you make this stronger to hook the reader?

      One suggestion: Eliminate the first few paragraphs and use your personal anecdote to begin your sales letter.

      For instance,

      Dear Friend,

      Hello. My name is Angel Suarez, and I know the struggles that you are going through. Growing up, I was raised in a relatively poor neighborhood. I wore bleach stained handme-downs, had dirt and grit under my finger nails, and didn't smell too great, either. My mother raised my sister and I after divorcing my father, who hit the road and left us in the dust. So even if she had made the effort to fill me with success mentality, it wouldn't
      have mattered much. All my neighbors would have seen to my "reality check."
      This creates an immediate rapport with the reader. I know who you are, where you come from, and I am ready to listen to what you have to say about how you changed your life around... and if you can change your life around, surely I can too!
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      • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
        Loren: Thanks for the advice. I'll have to add a few more positive thinking/mind power ads to my swipe file.

        Usually, my first draft sucks. It's when I go through and find, as you put it, "nuggets" that the revision helps polish it. I do this 4-6 times.

        Copper: Great idea! I've never been too fond of the "this is the most important message..." formula, but I figured it might be appropriate.

        I'll put all this into play.

        Thanks fellas,

        Angel
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