What do you think of this copy?

42 replies
Hi,

I have recently purchased a copy from someone here on the warrior forum. I am no expert, but it looks very good and well researched for the price I paid $197 (plus 3 free email swipes)

The copy did not include graphics or anything like that so I did my best to create some headers using free materials online. The copy isn't finished yet, I still need to add in testimonials with pictures and better videos.

Overall what do you think as a first draft? Is there anything that should be significantly changed?

How to Play saxophone

thanks
#copy
  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Right in the headline you've got "fastest, "easiest" "guaranteed"
    without any proof or evidence this is true.

    And you are expecting the reader to believe it.

    I didn't read on after this BIG flaw.

    Best,
    Ewen
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    • Profile picture of the author bigfoot875
      Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

      Right in the headline you've got "fastest, "easiest" "guaranteed"
      without any proof or evidence this is true.

      And you are expecting the reader to believe it.

      I didn't read on after this BIG flaw.

      Best,
      Ewen
      How are you supposed to prove all this in one sentence?
      Signature

      My YouTube Music Channel: CBasie2856

      https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpP...6597yI4bHG6ygg

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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        Originally Posted by bigfoot875 View Post

        How are you supposed to prove all this in one sentence?
        You don't have to. Just follow up straight after
        you make a bold claim with it.

        And my proof/evedence...?
        Gary Bencivenga and split tests carried out by
        Marketing Experiments have shown this to be true.

        Best,
        Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    I have recently purchased a copy
    Sigh. It's not "a copy" - it's "copy".

    Thank God you finally made the video. It's rough and ready but sounds good. The copy? Worth what you paid I suppose but not very good. Obviously slapped together by a rank amateur. There are so many flaws I really don't know where to begin.
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    • Profile picture of the author saxguru
      Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

      Sigh. It's not "a copy" - it's "copy".

      Thank God you finally made the video. It's rough and ready but sounds good. The copy? Worth what you paid I suppose but not very good. Obviously slapped together by a rank amateur. There are so many flaws I really don't know where to begin.
      Well I guess without a big budget I will never be able to get a really good copy. I'll see how this one goes first
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      • Profile picture of the author bigfoot875
        Another question I should add...

        Should I sound like a salesperson when I write copy?
        The reason I am asking this is because I notice the majority of copy sounds like this.


        Otherwise, should I just be myself instead?
        Signature

        My YouTube Music Channel: CBasie2856

        https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpP...6597yI4bHG6ygg

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        • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
          Originally Posted by bigfoot875 View Post

          Another question I should add...

          Should I sound like a salesperson when I write copy?
          The reason I am asking this is because I notice the majority of copy sounds like this.


          Otherwise, should I just be myself instead?
          Depends on what you see as sounding like as a salesperson.

          Also depends on what market you are in.
          If you tried what works for internet marketers
          to internet marketers and tried the same tricks
          to offline business owners, you'd fail.

          Best,
          Ewen
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          • Profile picture of the author bigfoot875
            Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

            Depends on what you see as sounding like as a salesperson.

            Also depends on what market you are in.
            If you tried what works for internet marketers
            to internet marketers and tried the same tricks
            to offline business owners, you'd fail.

            Best,
            Ewen
            Do you know of any good examples of sales letters? Searching through Clickbank isn't helping much


            The ideal way to learn is some good quality examples and then an analysis.
            Signature

            My YouTube Music Channel: CBasie2856

            https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpP...6597yI4bHG6ygg

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            • Profile picture of the author JohnRussell
              Originally Posted by bigfoot875 View Post

              Do you know of any good examples of sales letters? Searching through Clickbank isn't helping much


              The ideal way to learn is some good quality examples and then an analysis.
              Really? There are salesletters on there that have sold millions of dollars worth of products. I suggest you look again.

              Here's one that you might particularly be interested in:

              Learn how to play piano with Rocketpiano piano lessons
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              • Profile picture of the author Tim R
                Originally Posted by JohnRussell View Post

                Really? There are salesletters on there that have sold millions of dollars worth of products. I suggest you look again.
                John, don't waste your time replying to this guy. He's just trolling.
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                • Profile picture of the author JohnRussell
                  Originally Posted by Tim R View Post

                  John, don't waste your time replying to this guy. He's just trolling.
                  DOH!

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            • Profile picture of the author Xiqual
              There is a hellfull of good sales letters examples
              you can find in these same forums...

              Just do your homeworks before asking more...
              Don't limit yourself to CB...

              It will be your voice, your way of explaining things
              and your persuasion skills who will be in play...

              First and foremost: get into the head of your prospects...
              then, you will know HOW to incentivate them!

              Back to basics,
              Adrian Kevorkian
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              • Profile picture of the author 7A
                I must say the copy is good, clean, and direct.
                I like that it gets right to the point.
                Too many times I've read other ad copy, and find myself distracted if it starts to ramble.
                I wish you good luck!
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        • Profile picture of the author JohnRussell
          Originally Posted by bigfoot875 View Post

          Should I sound like a salesperson when I write copy?
          Good salespeople don't sound like salespeople.

          And if you mean hypey, no you don't need to be hypey. You're not selling this as a WSO.

          That is the trick to copywriting - you need to sell without appearing to sell and without the hype.

          What you have to do is far more difficult but exponentially more effective...

          ...you have to find something interesting to say about your product and you have to say it coherently.

          Instead of saying "The Fastest And Easiest Way BLAH BLAH" say something like this above the video:

          "Years Of Struggle Led George To My Online Sax Course. This Is George 6 Days Later."

          Of course what you say has to be true. If this were true it would be pretty interesting to somebody who's struggled for years to learn how to play sax.
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          • Profile picture of the author saxguru
            Originally Posted by JohnRussell View Post

            Good salespeople don't sound like salespeople.

            And if you mean hypey, no you don't need to be hypey. You're not selling this as a WSO.

            That is the trick to copywriting - you need to sell without appearing to sell and without the hype.

            What you have to do is far more difficult but exponentially more effective...

            ...you have to find something interesting to say about your product and you have to say it coherently.

            Instead of saying "The Fastest And Easiest Way BLAH BLAH" say something like this above the video:

            "Years Of Struggle Led George To My Online Sax Course. This Is George 6 Days Later."

            Of course what you say has to be true. If this were true it would be pretty interesting to somebody who's struggled for years to learn how to play sax.
            He's not actually the OP with the Saxophone website. That's me

            thanks for the advice though
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            • Profile picture of the author JohnRussell
              Originally Posted by saxguru View Post

              He's not actually the OP with the Saxophone website. That's me

              thanks for the advice though
              Sorry - I fell for the troll.
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      • Profile picture of the author kenboss
        Originally Posted by saxguru View Post

        Well I guess without a big budget I will never be able to get a really good copy. I'll see how this one goes first
        Not necessarily true.
        As to this copy, I would not even say it's worth what you paid for it if it doesn't sell, and frankly I doubt that it will. It is amateurish and he hasn't even bothered to proofread it:
        "If want to learn how to play saxophone the right way".... ??
        And that is only scratching the surface - like the other fella said, too many flaws to list here.

        But I have sent you a PM with one very constructive suggestion that will not involve spending any more money.

        cheers
        Ken
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      • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
        Banned
        Originally Posted by saxguru View Post

        Well I guess without a big budget I will never be able to get a really good copy. I'll see how this one goes first
        HELLO. Are you listening? Or is this just a windup? You can't say "a really good copy". IT-IS-NOT-CORRECT-ENGLISH. It's "copy" - not "a copy". Do you copy? Out.

        Geeze...
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        • Profile picture of the author bigfoot875
          Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

          HELLO. Are you listening? Or is this just a windup? You can't say "a really good copy". IT-IS-NOT-THE-CORRECT-ENGLISH. It's "copy" - not "a copy". Do you copy? Out.

          Geeze...
          Your last post on the other thread was ridiculous

          Why? Do you even realize that there are millions of search terms to search for?
          And not all of them will give you what you are looking for?

          I don't think you even understand.


          I did however get a unique perspective from that article you sent me though-
          That what you say matters more than how you say it.

          Thanks for that link. The whole point of sharing links is to save people valuable time.

          If not, why would you share a link if you knew that people could just look it up on google?

          Yet many people share links, which tells us that this is completely opposite to the way you think.

          I still think you don't understand
          Signature

          My YouTube Music Channel: CBasie2856

          https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpP...6597yI4bHG6ygg

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          • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
            Banned
            Originally Posted by bigfoot875 View Post


            I still think you don't understand
            Yeah mate...I'm just a complete moron who has no idea what he's doing. Please help.

            (hang on...is this the troll? He and saxy are the same? Dazed and Confused, Paris)
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            • Profile picture of the author saxguru
              Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

              Yeah mate...I'm just a complete moron who has no idea what he's doing. Please help.

              (hang on...is this the troll? He and saxy are the same? Dazed and Confused, Paris)
              You could not be more wrong I'm afraid
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        • Profile picture of the author saxguru
          Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

          HELLO. Are you listening? Or is this just a windup? You can't say "a really good copy". IT-IS-NOT-THE-CORRECT-ENGLISH. It's "copy" - not "a copy". Do you copy? Out.

          Geeze...
          Helpful as ever mate
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          • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
            Banned
            Originally Posted by saxguru View Post

            Helpful as ever mate
            Have a look at my "thanks" - what does that tell you huh? You're a lost cause.
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            • Profile picture of the author saxguru
              Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

              Have a look at my "thanks" - what does that tell you huh? You're a lost cause.
              Well all I'm seeing you do is say everything is rubbish without offering any kind of constructive criticism. That's what this forum is for, i'm trying to learn how to improve my website by asking others.
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              • Profile picture of the author Mikesweeney
                The main thing I don't see is a "hook" or big idea. What makes your course different than other musical instruction courses (besides that it's a saxophone course) etc?
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                • Profile picture of the author saxguru
                  Originally Posted by Mikesweeney View Post

                  The main thing I don't see is a "hook" or big idea. What makes your course different than other musical instruction courses, etc?
                  Thanks i'll try and add that in
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              • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
                Banned
                Originally Posted by saxguru View Post

                Well all I'm seeing you do is say everything is rubbish without offering any kind of constructive criticism. That's what this forum is for, i'm trying to learn how to improve my website by asking others.
                Uh huh. And you've been here what? 3 or 4 weeks. You've had your precious "constructive criticism" from me. You just choose to ignore it. You with all your vast experience and me who knows nothing. Carry on trying to write "a copy". I wish you the very best of British luck.
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                • Profile picture of the author saxguru
                  Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

                  Uh huh. And you've been here what? 3 or 4 weeks. You've had your precious "constructive criticism" from me. You just choose to ignore it. You with all your vast experience and me who knows nothing. Carry on trying to write "a copy". I wish you the very best of British luck.

                  I'm not even the one who wrote the "copy".

                  P.S your advice was ignored because it wasn't as good as other advice I received. I still left a thanks under your post for the good things that you did contribute
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            • Profile picture of the author bigfoot875
              Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

              Have a look at my "thanks" - what does that tell you huh? You're a lost cause.
              Hey! Is THAT how you treat your employees and customers?

              Yeah right... You are NO business person
              Signature

              My YouTube Music Channel: CBasie2856

              https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpP...6597yI4bHG6ygg

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  • Profile picture of the author Scott McKinstry
    Decent start -- you do have a lot of information that explains what your product does ... but it lacks sizzle, and as other warriors have noted, conviction.

    A few other things to consider ...

    1. Why do people want to learn how to play the sax in the first place? Get chicks to dig them? Become a jazz genius? Walk into music class and wipe the smirk of the face of the soon-to-be-former first chair?

    Think about the deep, ultimate burning desire that led you to play the sax (maybe even a reason you wouldn't want to admit out loud) ... and also ask your former students what they love about playing. Put these reasons in the headline/lead, maybe even in the form of your personal story.

    Maybe your prospects really want to learn advanced techniques NOW. I'm no musician, but when your copy mentions "how to growl" and "flutter tonguing" ... my interest was piqued (I also had to make sure this wasn't a product for another kind of advanced oral technique) ... you might feature these near the top of the page.

    2. A quick search for "how to play saxophone" yielded pages full of free videos and resources. How is your training better than the free route? (All the info in one place, advanced techniques, one-on-one interaction with you ...) You don't need to directly address it ("saxguru is better than free videos"), you just need to present your product as the best online resource possible. "Learn How To Play the Saxophone Online" isn't unique. How do you stand out?

    3. Your testimonials mention things like "1-1 tuition" and "personal tuition" ... maybe these are UK terms, but I don't know what they mean. Never leave your readers confused ... or force them to do a google search.

    Hope that helps,
    Scott
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  • Profile picture of the author DanSharp
    Scott gave you some good advice. Looking at the copy you got, I feel like someone used a template to write your sales letter...
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  • Profile picture of the author Tim R
    Mate, stop posting all your nonsense on here. You've hijacked this guy's thread when he's trying to get feedback on his letter.

    As other members have pointed out, you keep asking for help and then ignoring it. Stop looking for everybody else to do the work for you. There are so many resources on this forum alone it's crazy. If you can't even be bothered to try and educate yourself when all that you need is right in front of your face then you are beyond help.
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  • Profile picture of the author branraul
    Banned
    [DELETED]
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    • Profile picture of the author saxguru
      [DELETED]
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      • Profile picture of the author sbucciarel
        Banned
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        • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
          Banned
          Originally Posted by sbucciarel View Post

          You know when you quote spammers with their spam links, you're just giving them more air time.
          But Suzanne... he was homeless and now he owns 2 homes and three sporty cars!
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  • Profile picture of the author saxguru
    Ken has offered to take a look at my copy for me and make a few corrections. I'll post again here later when I have made the changes. Thanks for all of the advice so far
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  • Profile picture of the author saxguru
    Sorry for being ungrateful and not taking Mal's advice. I didn't realise I was talking to one of the best copywriters around.

    All advice from anyone will be taken on board and gratefully accepted

    thanks
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  • Profile picture of the author adetunji
    Hey dude!

    Whats up?

    Try to listen when the Copy Nazi corrects you. Its hard to find someone of that caliber counsel you...

    Trust me,

    Danny

    Geeze....
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  • Profile picture of the author SurrealPSD
    Bickering aside, I found some useful pointers in this thread. Thanks commenters, I'll be employing some of these strategies in the revision of my own sales page (which suffers from some of the same issues as sax guru's sales page).
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    • Profile picture of the author Pess33
      There is some good advice in this thread. Something else I would focus on in your sales letter is leading with value. What I mean is that customers are selfish (we all are). They want to know what's in it for them. Make it exciting. Activate their senses with language and don't just make statements. Create a mental movie for them where they picture themselves playing in the Royal Albert Hall, long before you ever mention that you've done so yourself. Lead them down the path in this way before you start talking about yourself.

      Also, don't purchase copy from that person again.
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  • Profile picture of the author Eric Johnson
    Gotta say. "The Copy Nazi" may be one of the best copywriters around but he becomes a straight ass with very little provocation.

    Man, I'm on here to learn and grow. I don't want to be running into that negative crap.

    And sax guy. Don't apologize and get all a submissive just because someone is a big player. There are plenty of those who will help and will not insult your intelligence.

    Seriously dude. Put the copy down and pet a kitten or something. You kind of straight up pissed me off.

    I fully expect a bashing from the guy but this will not become an argument and I won't respond. You need to check yourself dude. If you get that insulting and nasty that quick something is wrong. You were a right ass here and it was uncalled for.

    Here's my ten cents. My two cents is free...
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    • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
      Banned
      Originally Posted by Eric Johnson View Post

      Gotta say. "The Copy Nazi" may be one of the best copywriters around but he becomes a straight ass with very little provocation.

      Man, I'm on here to learn and grow. I don't want to be running into that negative crap.

      And sax guy. Don't apologize and get all a submissive just because someone is a big player. There are plenty of those who will help and will not insult your intelligence.

      Seriously dude. Put the copy down and pet a kitten or something. You kind of straight up pissed me off.

      I fully expect a bashing from the guy but this will not become an argument and I won't respond. You need to check yourself dude. If you get that insulting and nasty that quick something is wrong. You were a right ass here and it was uncalled for.

      Here's my ten cents. My two cents is free...
      Your ten cents isn't worth much. I'm giving George advice on his offer. Yet another pro-bono gig I've done here. Perhaps it's you who needs to
      check yourself dude
      and
      learn and grow
      Sax has had plenty of
      those who will help and will not insult your intelligence
      and what they've written and advised is laughable. Ask him yourself if you've a mind. And take note of my sig while you're at it.
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