I Need Help Making an Effecting Email Subject Line!!!

12 replies
Hey Warriors!

I am looking for a bit of help with an email subject line. I know that a large amount of people will turn down an email based on what is within the subject line. I am currently targeting businesses that are looking to promote their social media management software, or social media marketing event. I have a LinkedIn group that has 4,300+ members and growing every day, so I figured it is a great venue for them to promote their software or event.

Here is the copy so that you can get an idea of what I am trying to sell these businesses.

"Hello _______,

I am ____________, the founder of the LinkedIn group "Social Media Marketers United". I would like to inform you that I am currently offering advertising opportunities for companies that are involved with social media management software, and events regarding social media marketing.

Social Media Marketers United
Currently the group has 4,382 members, and grows by at least 10-20 members each day. This group is a great place for you to market your software or event, since it consists of thousands of targeted members. You can visit my group by clicking here so that you can get a better feel of what our members are looking for.

I am currently offering two very affordable packages to help you promote your software or event to your targeted demographic. Below you can view each of the packages.


$100:
2 Emails - (1 email every 7 days. The email will be sent directly to each members inbox. You must supply the copy that you would like to be posted. Include any links and text that you would like for our members to visit.)

$200:
2 Emails - Supply copy for each email. The emails can contain anything you'd like, as long as it relates to social media marketing. (Include text and links that you would like for members to view.)
Hero Image - The "Hero" image, is the first image that members see when visiting the "Social Media Marketing United" page. You must supply the image that you would like displayed. (Dimensions: 646 x 200 & a maximum of 2 MB. Must be in PNG/JPEG/GIF format.)
Managers Choice Discussion - You will be able to post 1 discussion, that I will then put in the "Managers Choice" section at the top of the page. The discussion must be related to social media marketing, or about your software/event. (Helps increase views for your discussion.)
3 Tweets - I will personally send out 3 tweets at optimized times from my businesses Twitter profile @FrogSocialMedia. (My businesses Twitter profile has 6,000+ targeted followers.)

If you would like to set up a time to talk so that you can learn a bit more, you can email me at ____________. I would love to help your business in any way that I can!"


I just need help to create a subject line, so that they will open the email since I know most businesses inboxes are already flooded. Thanks for any help you can lend!!!

Also feel free to offer any suggestions about the copy above!
#effecting #email #line #making #subject
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    You need more than a subject line. This whole thing is a turkey.
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    • Profile picture of the author Vjfrog0
      I would love any feedback that you would suggest. I know there are some spelling and grammatical errors within the text right now. I have fixed a good portion of it, but would love to know how to approach this email. I have a large list of companies to send the message to already, but I would love to have some help perfect it. Thanks for any advice or suggestions you may have!
      Signature

      Owner of Frog Social Media Solutions
      &
      Founder of the Social Media Marketers United" LinkedIn group, 12,000+ members and growing!

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    • Profile picture of the author GlenH
      Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

      You need more than a subject line. This whole thing is a turkey.
      I totally agree...

      I mean the first words in the email .....

      "Hello _______,

      I am ____________, the founder of the LinkedIn group "Social Media Marketers United". I would like to inform you that I am currently offering advertising opportunities for companies that are involved with social media management software, and events regarding social media marketing.
      .....is right out of the scammers handbook.

      Get a pro to write the emails for you, otherwise you really are wasting your efforts.

      Sorry if that's harsh.
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  • Profile picture of the author Tim R
    It's terrible.

    Do you talk like that in real life? Probably not. So why do so in your email?
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  • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
    Your copy is simply too much of a "me" message. You need to clearly explain everything from the prospect's point of view.

    You tell the price of your offer before you even show your prospects in any way how they will benefit from your offer.

    Everybody in the world wants people to advertise to their group or association. You need to rewrite this email.

    You probably need a two-step approach in which you use the email to get prospects to go to a sales page in which you can expand on your sales pitch.
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  • Profile picture of the author JohnRussell
    Not to pile on but...

    Maybe your subject could read:

    Please Open For Sales Pitch With Boring Hard-To-Read Copy
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    • Profile picture of the author TatiW3B
      You should take a look at this post from FourHourWorkweek . com

      I'm not sure about the link posting rules, so I'll just give you the slug:

      /blog/2013/10/28/business-mentorship-and-muses/

      Scroll down to the section of the post that says "Day 2" and read the suggestions about writing emails to contact businesses.

      There is an example of a bad email, some suggestions for improvement, and two versions of new and improved emails.

      Hope that helps a bit!
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  • Profile picture of the author withjay
    Man I never read past emails that say "Hello". If they say "Hey Jay, just a quick question" or something else that seems like it ISN'T coming from a spammer then I'll check it out.

    The best responses come from informal (but with proper spelling & grammar), conversational style messages. Even business owners talk casually around their friends… You do want to appear to be a trusted friend don't you?

    Be more concise - TatiW posted above the Ferriss style emails. They always work a treat as they are quick, personalised and explain the benefits.
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  • Profile picture of the author dmarc
    Most of what is wrong with your email has been covered, but there are two things I'll point out.

    You have to express why businesses need your service. What they will gain from it. What they will lose from NOT using. It isn't enough to simply describe your services and assume businesses will say "Hey, I need that!"

    Also, in my opinion, you shouldn't start your package descriptions with the price. Give the packages names, explain what they include and the benefits of these features. You want to show that the packages are valuable and comprehensive BEFORE listing the price.

    Though, as others suggested, your best bet is probably to hire a good copywriter, as that sales letter really needs a complete overhaul, not just a few tweaks or an attention getting subject line.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
    That was painful. I think I'd rather let Mike Tyson gnaw on my ear then read that again.

    Your call to action is so weak...


    Originally Posted by Vjfrog0 View Post

    If you would like to set up a time to talk so that you can learn a bit more,
    You know when that time would be? Never.

    Educate yourself on this stuff or find someone who can do it for you.



    Bill



    .
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianDavid
    A. Attention
    I. Interest
    D. Desire
    A. Action

    Go back to the basics of copywriting first, then blaze back with your new found knowledge! Trust yourself and don't listen to the negative. Just sayin.
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