Would this move anyone to action?

8 replies
So often we TRY to succeed in life only to fail and never know what it would have felt like to be on top of an industry...or worst, reached the top only to find out that where you were wouldn't fulfill your dreams as a human being. You see, we ALL want to do something more with our lives. We ALL want a better lives for our children. We ALL want to leave some sort of impression on the world and leave it a better place than when we got here...BUT...then LIFE kicks in. All of a sudden, you have bills to pay, someone gets sick, you lose your job, or the worst of all...a death in the family happens. LIFE DOESN'T CARE about how much money you make, what you do, or who you are as an individual. WE as HUMANS put monetary value on things. It's our THOUGHTS that tell us how much something is worth. It is our MIND that allows us to live our dreams...
The Universe will give you what you want when YOU want it. What I am trying to tell you is, THE FIRST STEP TO ACHIEVING YOUR DREAMS is to first achieve the correct MINDSET. Once you can truly believe in every fiber of your body that you CAN be successful, then AND ONLY THEN will you be able to move on to the next step...

The second step is to learn that you must be able to add VALUE to the world. If you feel like you have no VALUE to add to the world, then you don't. If you feel like you do...THEN YOU DO...and by value I am talking about KNOWLEDGE. There is nothing greater in this world than KNOWLEDGE. Everyone is seeking knowledge in some shape, form, or fashion. Whether it's a skateboarder that wants to learn a new trick, a card player wanting to learn how to read people, or a new entrepreneur ready to take on the world of business and needing a mentor to show him/her the ropes. Either way, all of the people are LOOKING for KNOWLEDGE...and by gaining that knowledge, they are adding VALUE to their lives because he who has the knowledge will have FOLLOWERS...
That also means that he who has followers is now a LEADER. When you can become a LEADER in any industry, you are going to become SUCCESSFUL...

If you would like to LEARN how to become a LEADER and add VALUE to your life, then click here: (A link would be here, but can't post it.)

There are many reasons why you read this information. Regardless of that reason, you are looking to improve your life on some level. Now is the time to move forward and take charge of your life. What would it be like to dream again?...

There's only one way to find out... (A link would be here, but can't post it.)
#action #call to action #move #webcoby
  • Profile picture of the author David Raybould
    In two words, probably not.

    Aside from the actual content
    of the piece, those huge long
    sentences make it a real chore
    to read.

    In all honesty, I intended to read
    through it properly and give you a
    full critique, but it was such an
    effort I stopped after about 3
    sentences.

    Try reading it aloud to get a better
    idea of pacing and rhythm.

    -David Raybould
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    Whatever you need, my high converting copy puts more money in your pocket. PM for details. 10 years experience and 9 figure revenues.
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    • I second what David said. That was a pretty tough read, and that's coming from someone who reads "Othello" for fun...

      The all caps on some words for emphasis doesn't really work either.

      This might help : the grammatical definition of a paragraph...

      "1. A distinct division of written or printed matter that begins on a new, usually indented line, consists of one or more sentences, and typically deals with a single thought or topic or quotes one speaker's continuous words."

      Simplified, a paragraph is a block of text that is usually only one thought or topic. In other words, your first paragraph should probably be...

      So often, we try to succeed in life only to fail and never know what it would have felt like to be on top of an industry. or worst, reached the top only to find out that where you were wouldn't fulfill your dreams as a human being.

      Of course, that is just edited for the length of the paragraph and no other way. It still needs a lot of work.

      Try writing less like you're "writing". A lot of people change their tone when they put pen to paper... Write like you talk. Be conversational. Stop using big words that you wouldn't normally use in a conversation, and strange grammer. It is almost is if you're trying to sound corporate and philosophical at the same time - and that is damn hard to do.
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  • Profile picture of the author procopywriter
    I agree with David. I wanted to fall asleep after about the 8th word!

    You're going on and on with no real specifics. You're not talking about anyone or any particular circumstance. No one wants to read generalized statements. They want to read specifics.

    You need to rethink your entire approach. Start here: Who is your prospect? What is the problem you solve? How do you solve that problem?

    Then, write an attention-getting headline that promises a solution to the problem. It looks like you're offering something related to leadership. People who are going to spend money on leadership training (or products) are those ALREADY looking for it and convinced they need it. So lead with that. Don't beat around the bush leading up to it.

    Your first sentence needs to be a lapel-grabber. Make a promise. State a startling fact. Lead with drama as you tell a great story. Ask a question. These are great ways to start a sales letter, opt-in page, etc.

    Aaron
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    Joshua Aaron Stanley, The 'Spiritual' Copywriter:
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  • Profile picture of the author Headfirst
    I agree with what everyone else said above. You also should never start a piece with 'so'

    "So" creates a psychological state of indecision. Don't tell them what they want. Ask them what they want to show them how your product delivers what they're looking for. Anticipate the readers mental questions; ask and answer them in your piece. Ask them questions they will say yes too and draw them into the content.
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    • Profile picture of the author Alexa Smith
      Banned
      [DELETED]
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      • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
        I agree with the comment regarding "so." After I noticed that word, it's like your copy has a magnetically opposing field. My eyes kept bouncing off and away.

        Be more engaging. Also, reduce, or eliminate, all the capitalized words. It has the opposite effect you're looking for.
        David's advice is dead-on. Read your copy aloud, get a feel for the rhythm. And hey, if you have a recorder, make a recording to play back and listen. You'll hear yourself stumble on all the tough spots and get tongue-tied.

        Best of luck,

        Angel
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  • Profile picture of the author Sean Hoffman
    Paragraphs and white space would help a lot.
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