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Copywriters and IM Consultants - Critique please?

by Cherilyn Woodhouse
6 replies
So I have completely revamped my landing page, hoping to get some feedback. Please only respond if you are a copywriter or a consultant of some kind (as consultants are the target market here.)

The autoresponder isn't live, so don't put in your details

Heres the link : For Consultants ONLY - Expert Copywriter and Marketing Consultant

Normally I wouldn't ask for a critique, but I thought maybe some IM consultants could be lurking/posting here and could give their input.

The first 3 people to give me some valuable feedback will get a free headline critique from me (easily worth $50) as my way of saying thanks, and giving back.

- Cherilyn
#consultants #copywriters #critique
  • Profile picture of the author CopperCopy
    Hey Cherilyn,

    A few things I noticed that you might consider:

    The start of your proposal is: Let me ask you... Do you love the idea of having to go out and sell your services? Do presentations and proposals make your heart flutter?

    And then you go into say of course not.

    Is there any way you can make this more vivid to your reader? For Example:

    It's 3 in the morning, and you're waking up groggy eyed and foggy headed to the annoying beep of the alarm clock. You want to go back to bed because you are dreading the long and stressful day of cold calling to gather consulting leads.

    This is by no means perfect, but you get the point. The idea is to hook the reader.

    I know what it's like to wake up and dread calling people and trying to sell to them. It's very time consuming, and it eats away at you actually doing work. Nobody wants to do that.

    The trick is to get the reader to say, "What's this you say? Your free guide will help me avoid this!? I might have to check this out."

    I would also suggest a change of "salesman" to "salesperson" so that you don't alienate the female gender.

    I would also add another sign up at the bottom of your screen since your sales page does not fit on one screen. This is for convenience. I would suggest testing to see which one they actually fill out.

    Hope this helps!
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  • Profile picture of the author Cherilyn Woodhouse
    Thanks CopperCopy - Yes, I'm adding another form at the bottom. Funny thing about the salesman/salesperson thing - I'm female, and I didn't even catch that. LOL - Good eye

    I know what you mean about painting a picture, but I'm trying to avoid getting too "wordy" here. This is only the landing page, so I'm keeping it under 2 pages - the more vivid pictures will come in the sales letter they will see later. I might work on that a bit in this copy too, though.

    Got a headline you want critiqued? PM me
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    Take your product from idea to profit in less than 90 days! Work with me to develop and implement a step-by-step plan for success!
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Okay, Cherilyn...
    I like what you've got. There are a couple of improvements I'd consider if I were you. Make your headline much larger. Start with, Attention Overworked Consultants: I'd make this font stencil or another bold typeface that commands attention. Then, with the actual headline slightly larger than the pre-header I'd keep what you have but change the word 'consulting' to Working.

    The other change that I'd say is essential is to format your text Left Justified. Bullets and other items don't go over well centered. Good luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author Cherilyn Woodhouse
    Thanks travelingguy - can I ask what browser you're using? I'm using FF and the bullets aren't showing up centered here. Thanks!

    - Cherilyn
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Internet Explorer 7
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  • Profile picture of the author Cherilyn Woodhouse
    Thanks - fixed it now! You and CopperCopy can PM me for a headline critique if you like.
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