First headline critique

by 13 replies
15
Hey guys

I took the tips you gave me from my headline tips thread and crafted my first headline and sub line. It is for a dating product that helps guys with low self confidence get girls.

The market is usually split up into two types of buyers younger guys 18-25 who can't get women and older guys 35+ who are divorced/ haven't found the "one" with that in place feel free to rip apart and give any suggestions with no mercy.






#copywriting #critique #headline
  • I would change around a few words, for instance I wouldn't include "because people don't want to admit they have low self esteem/other bad traits and it will make them self conscious of buying the product. I would also take out one word from "former overweight nerd", whether it is nerd or overweight, because it feels like it is trying to hard to conform to the audience.

    Start the subtitle as 'Learn the..." and make the final lines into "Have her give you her phone number in record time". I like to make headlines more succinct.

    Those are my suggestions anyway, I encourage posters after me to further revise my revisions as well
    • [1] reply
    • First, the headline doesn't pass the believability test.

      Second, it doesn't make sense. Why would gurus care whether old, fat, and poor people are having amazing sex or not?

      Alex
      • [1] reply
  • Yah take I'd take out the last part, what if I am not those things, your telling me your site wont work for me! Do not exclude anyone. Have you looked at some simular sites? Google double your dating, sign up and goto the 3rd page in. Amazing copy in there that works! And maybe tone it down a knotch haha its a little out there! Write out 25 then chose your best 3 and test them! Then chose 2 more and test them against the winner! Good luck!
    • [1] reply
    • thanks for the suggestion but isn't the point to hook the reader, More so a large amount of my demographic market are typically suffer from low self esteem becasue of their looks,weight and fnancial status. This is one of the many stereotypes that my market believes will prevent them from having success with women. By narrowing myself down wouldnt i be branding myself to a more targeted audience or should i just tone it down and appeal to everyone?


      I have looked at some similar sites and these are the hedlines of the three best competing products in order. I tried to take something from each put a twist on it and incorporate it into my headline and sub headline

      Competitor 1
      "How To Approach Any Woman, Anywhere And Know Exactly What To Say To Get Her To Give You Her Number And Go On A Date With You - NOW"

      Personal note today: June 2, 2009

      Women have tried to have my guide
      BANNED...

      As of today, I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to sell it...

      Why?

      Because they don't want YOU to have the power of sexual selection they have gained over the past 20 years or so since women's earning power increased and their reliance on a male "provider" disappeared...

      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

      Competitor 2

      "The Lazy Man's Way
      To Easy Sex And Romance
      With 20 Or More Women A Month"

      How a Strange Discovery of the Alpha Male System™ By a Desperate 22 Year-Old Virgin Hypnotically Draws Women To You...Eager For Anything-Goes Sex...Automatically...No Matter If You're Old, Young, Dead-Broke or Have Physical Features That Now Turn Women Off!

      ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      competitor 3

      Attention All Men...
      "How To Have Unlimited Numbers Of Women Literally Beg For Your Body!"

      I'm Convinced Any Man can Quickly and Easily Copy What I'm Doing, Once You Understand It, No Matter Your Looks, Age Or Income. Why would any sane man reveal this kind of secret, if it was true? Read my message and find out...




      sorry for the big text i'm just copying and pasting from the websites
      • [1] reply
  • How about this?

    I Used To Never Get Laid, Now I Pull In The Breezies While Playing WOW and Eating MCD's.
    • [1] reply
    • lol looks like i got a new headline




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    First headline critique

    Hey guys I took the tips you gave me from my headline tips thread and crafted my first headline and sub line. It is for a dating product that helps guys with low self confidence get girls.