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First some of your copy is a little awkward like:

I hope that I cannot sound like that last miracle program you bought

Huh? I have to stop and read the sentence again before I get what you were trying to say. You should have said, "I hope I don't sound like the last miracle..."

Also, you have some typos:

bombared with msileading information

Go through and read your copy outloud. That should catch some of the awkward sounding stuff. Have a few friends read it over to catch the typos.

Okay, so now that that's out of the way, let's focus on the area above the fold.

As a copywriter, I'm going to tell you your header is too big. You're wasting valuable above the fold space with a graphic that won't do anything to compel your readers to not click away.

Second, your headline is way weak. What's your hook? I can't seem to figure it out in the headline. I sense it might be somewhere in your story about repairing computers since you were 12.

You've got to really identify the fears of your target market. Once you have those fears identified, make a list of all the features of your product. Then come up with a corresponding benefit for each. Then see if there are any benefits to those benefits. Dig as deep as you can.

How can you eradicate your targets' fears with your benefits?

Exactly what problem are you solving? It's not evident in your copy. At least not the part I was able to read.

And if you don't smack your visitors on the head with all this stuff right away, they'll click away.

That's all from me...good luck!

Evy

"WARNING: Your PC is transmitting confidential information! "
"STOP thiefs and criminals from getting their dirty hands on your family photos, work documents and personal identification! It might just be TOO LATE"
"DESTROYED! All your computer data *gone* if you don't follow this step-by-step guide..."

And so on... You can learn a lot by looking at how spyware/adware software gets advertised.

Tyrus

Man this is tough.. I thought I create a very cool and useful product and that will be it.. but nooo it's much more difficult than that.

Oh and to all the people who decided to PM me and send me to a salespage with no pricing on it.. You might want to spruce up your own copywriting before offering anyone else it.

Cheers everyone, I'll get there soon.

I feel the header is way to tall, maybe that's just me. Anyway.
"Stop Right There: I want you to know what it really takes to enjoy worry free computing." Blow this up to make it the real headline, I feel this is much more convincing than what follows.
"The PC Repair Guy Reveals The Truth About Securing A Faster Long Living PC!" The 'PC Maybe < Repair Guy' Reveals How To Make Computers Outlast You >?
"Now You Can Have A Permanently Fast PC"
Maybe <Now You Can Get A Permanently Fast PC That Never Dies On You!>?
Also it's not "Do you want?" That just puts me off entirely, as it is something that "typical foreigners" ask in comedies. Lol, anyway use dots, the question doesn't end at do you want. "Do you want..."

"I want to Show You How You Can Also Enjoy Worry Free Computing.." Either use "Let Me Show You" Or "Discover" would be my advice, but if that's not the feeling your going for at least be consistent about capital first letters.

Unfortunately I don't have much time on my hands tonight so I'll leave the rest up to another good Samaritan.
Hope this helps..

Hey man, it's actually looking a lot better. The headline still needs to be tweaked a long way though! Kudos on ye for trying it yourself...It's good to see you're now writing what your prospects wanted to hear instead of writing only what you wanted to say...cheers and good luck

Here's an idea



From the Blazing FAST 'IRONVAULT' Computer of Mark Rafferty
Date: May, 25, 2009

Dear Computer User,

........................

Intrepreneur...

You're really going to struggle to make sales
with copy like that.

Sorry.

The bulletpoints about yourself right up
there in the headline area... those will stop
almost every single person from reading
further into it.

You need to write your copy so it
centers around the customer. Right now
it's about you, and the product. The
customer comes a distant third.

That's not how you write salesletters.

Get some copywriting books, and study
some of the fundamentals.

Also, get rid of those headlines. Man,
they're way too long. Sure, there's a
place for longer headlines, but not
when they're that flat and uninteresting.

Last, that header graphic is pretty...
but it's sucking up your money like a
cash vacuum. Make it much smaller, so
people can get absorbed by the headline
without having to scroll down to read it
in the first place.

Having that graphic so big is almost
certainly costing money in lost conversions...

That's my 2 cents... gotta get back to
work now.

-David Raybould

A 60 word headline?
Including the word "whilst"?

When have you EVER heard "whilst" used in conversation?

At least you are on the right track looking for a copywriter. You need serious help before you have a snowball's chance in hell of selling anything. Good luck with that.

The scary thing is that 25% of your page is used before the reader even gets to read the damn letter.

And this isn't a squeeze page.

I won't offer you any advice on the copy as you clearly don't want to hear from guys like Vin or David. What do they know - they only make their clients millions of dollars, right?

After all, you are clearly a superior copywriter to them, with (no doubt) a long and impressive track record.

So... screw those guys.

Much better to base your "research" from people who don't have a freakin' clue and have never sold anything before.

Copywriting rates have been discussed about a thousand times before. But, generally, for a good letter for this product you would be looking at a MINIMUM of $2 000 (the starting point for most decent copywriters)... Although if you want someone like David or Vin to write it you will probably be looking at between $10 - 15k (though I admit I have no idea what David's average is as I've never seen him mention it anywhere).

-Dan

Answer: no.

Reason: you get what you pay for.

If Clayton Makepeace gets $25,000 for a sales letter and you find a guy who will do yours for $250, how good could he be?

Think about it.....

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As a general rule I would expect at least $2k.

Assuming your page of copy takes 40 hours to write (which isn't unreasonable) that's $50/hr... a pretty reasonable rate considering the insane amount of study a copywriter has to do to be able to sell.

That doesn't mean everyone who charges $2k is any good... just that if they charge a decent amount and have a lot of satisfied clients they can direct you to, you're usually okay.

Oh, and a tip - ask for contact details of their clients. When you just finish the copy, the client's ecstatic - but after a week or two when it converts like crap they won't be. By getting CURRENT feelings about the copywriter, you can be sure you're getting a more realistic picture of their abilities.

Now, of course this is all a generalization... but it's also a pretty apt one. When I started out, I wrote some great copy for $97... but I did that for four letters, and each of those letters took hours and hours of my time (I was earning less than minimum wage).

I would be very wary of any copywriter who writes for cheap on a regular basis... because it just cannot be done. You either have to move to a cheap-as-hell country where it costs like $2 a day to live in luxury, or you have to spend less time on each letter - which results in cookie-cutter letters that LOOK like they'll convert.... but don't.

Obviously since Matt's a copywriter I'm not saying this for HIM... but for those of you reading the thread who have the same thoughts.

-Dan

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It's a great skill to have... but it takes a LOT of time and effort to learn properly.

Having said that... if that $2000 makes you an extra $50 000 a year over what your own efforts would, it's easily worth it, no?

If I had a product that was getting thousands of visitors a day I'd probably hire Vin to rewrite the thing. Even if he could only get me an extra .01% CR... it would pay for itself pretty quick.

-Dan

Lots of people hire copywriters to write for brand new products.

Hell, it's where most of my work comes from!

Having said that, I get where you're coming from. You don't want to spend money on a product you're not sure will sell anyway.

What may surprise you is just how good your copy is going to have to be to sell the product reasonably well.

Ultimately, it's your call (and, in truth, I got started writing copy by doing it for my own stuff for that very reason). Things have worked out well for me... but it's been a pretty hard struggle to get to this point.

Just be aware that if you DO want to write your own copy... it's a long, arduous process to learn. Expect at least a year until you can write letters that convert "okay".

-Dan