Sales page review and critique

Hi Innovator,

Right in your headline, you are mashing together three very different concepts:

1)Learn what the "players" do on a first date.

2)Get free or inexpensive first date ideas.

3)Do what "she" will love to do on a first date.

You need to choose one of these core ideas and build your headline and sales page around it. You can introduce the other ideas as sub-ideas but only once the reader understands clearly what you are offering.

Right now it's like you're trying to send a car in three different directions at the same time. Result: confusion.

And speaking as a woman, I wonder whether men are really so stupid as to believe that women all want to do the same things on a first date - which is definitely what you are implying in your opening. If so, you might as well feed that belief. To me, it's pretty ridiculous, though.

Marcia Yudkin

This is good advice, Marica. I didn't think about that I'm sending 3 different ideas. Break them up as different sub-heads as benefits.

True story, most men do take women either out to dinner or drinks on the first date (usually 98% of the time this happens). It's unfortunate but it does happen.

Hi there,

Your headline is clunky and doesn't intrigue me.

Why would anyone want to find out the best places to take a girl out?

They want to find out the best ways to seal the deal with the girl...

Imagine a man searching on how to date women... will he choose a product offering "the best places to take a girl on a date" or a product offering "this is how you get the girl".

My suggestion would be to come in from that angle...

Chris

The copy sounds really awkward and disjointed. Read your headline and lede out loud to yourself a few times... does it sound natural and free-flowing?

I don't know if what you're offering is enough for people to pay for. A lot of this info people can find for free online. Seems this would be better as a free report to generate leads rather than trying to sell it.

It's only 14 pages so immediately I think there's not much to it. Some of your bullet points are exactly the same thing, just rephrased. Seems like you're struggling to find selling points for it.

No picture of the book?

Overall it still needs quite a bit of work.

Basically...you're selling the feature here and not the benefit.

come to the end of the equation here. what is the core benefit. ?

They want to bring her somewhere that will get them laid.

Revealed at last...37 places first date locations that practically guarantee hot steamy sex tonight...even if you're a fat, bald, 45 year old virgin who pees his pants at thought of talking to women.

smack me over the head with the benefit and the core appeal.
don't just give me a number of palces that are inexpensive wtf?

Innovator3,

There are too many mistakes in your sales letter. You wrongly referred to it as a report in the opening of your letter.

Asking for a critique or review in this particular case is like looking for a copywriter to write you a sales letter for your product for FREE. The ares which require improving upon are too many.

Whoever will give you a comprehensive review will re-write your sales lette in its entirety.

Let me show you just the tip of the iceberg.

a) The headline is the most important part of your sales letter. Why? It will
determine reading or not reading of your letter. It is the head of your letter.
Without a powerful head the body is rendered useless.

b) You referred to your document as a sales letter in your thread. At the
beginning of the letter you implied it was a report. A report usually explores
a new developing problem. It points out a solution. It does not sell, though it
might be used to presell a product or service (warming up prospects before
the actual sale.)

On the other hand, a sales letter goes flat out to persuade prospects to buy
or subscribe to a newsletter. It uses various techniques to accomplish this
task. It relies on research work to learn more about the target market, the
product itself and the competition.

It gives out benefits which are presented in bullet form just like a boxer
would unleash a barrage of blows to knock out an opponent.

It also utilizes emotional buttons to push prospects over the hedge.

c) Look at your grammar from the headline to the end of your sales letter. It
makes prospects reluctant to continue reading.

D) As a copywriter, I would suggest you put value on what you are selling.
Show your prospects the value in your product in comparison to your
competitors'. Remind them of the benefits they would lose by not buying
your product. Show what their life would be like if they do not buy what
you are selling.

Show them what life would be like if they bought your product.

Like I earlier stated, I was just showing you the tip of the iceberg --- there is more to it than what I have covered here.

Facepalm. Absolute train wreck. The headline is a complete turkey. For starters - no-one wants to "learn" - they want to "discover". I started to read the rest of this schlock and it bored the crap out of me. You have no idea what you're talking about - and it shows. Hence - no sales.

Somehow you managed make dating dull and boring. Consider this bullet:

* Why women care more about having an experience on the first date and how you can (and should) use this to your advantage
* The 2 reasons why dinner and drinks on the first date just won’t cut it

Bullets build DESIRE. These are so clinical, I felt like I was reading a patient's chart. Try to dimensionalize them more so they build the urge to know more about the product.

Hello Innovator,

I have to say I'm in agreement with the other comments. Identify the problem that your guide answers, and how your guide answers the problem. Focus on benefits and, even more importantly, play to the emotions of the potential purchaser. For a $9 product, I would also shorten the copy.

Oh, and the testimonials sound to me like they were all written by the same person -- same style. If other people feel that way it won't help your credibility.

Matt Baker

Thanks for the insights. Looks like I've got a lot of work ahead of me.

Time to tackle it bit by bit.

You might also want to try and be original with some of your date suggestions. If your #1 date idea is 'tea and stimulating conversation', straight away it shows that you've lifted this from Eben Pagan word for word.

And you've also got suggestions on your site such as not trying to kiss her or hook up with her on the first date, but you're trying to pass off this info as what 'players' do. There's a total disconnect there.

I don't know of any guys who want to have 37 places they can take a girl on a first date... they want one or two that's easy and makes it easier for them to get laid.

You shoot yourself in the foot by taking a girl out for drinks on a first date? Sorry, but I don't think you know what you're talking about.

Honestly I would scrap everything you have and start all over again. Start by identifying a common problem in this niche and provide a solution for it.

Definitely the headline and sub head. They're atrocious. There is no flow and they don't follow the basic principles of what the headline should be doing.

Use a more benefit driven headline with some curiosity. You want the headline to keep the flow going so your prospect will continue to read the rest of your letter.


Bill


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