Can someone please critique this?

Hi Benq,

Here's a list of things you should do differently:

1) Expand the acronyms and then put the acronyms in parenthesis (or some countries call them brackets).
2) Cut down on the bio until the end. I'd move the 2nd and 3rd paragraph to the bottom.
3) You should address your target audience. I.E. Dear Future Successful Trader, or sth to that affect.
4) Your first paragraph is missing a little bit of umph or awe, aka wow-factor.

I think the rest of the content is pretty good. It builds up a bit of interest to get the person to find out more.

Overall, I think it's pretty good. I'd definitely want to give a little more attention to the headline though. Still a bit weak. Even a simple change like this:

Hi Benq,

Alexa makes a good point about the whole
"former" issue. As it is, it may raise flags.

Another way to spin it would be to capitalize
on it...

"Renegade Ex-CTA Reveals The 1 Tiny Change That Will Bring You Profitable Trades... And Why The Certified Trading Advisors Will NEVER Tell You About It"

That example's a little long, but it illustrates
how you can spin the whole "former" thing
into a positive...

-David Raybould

Thank you everyone. Does this sound better?


Dear Trading Friend:

I'm a retired Commodity Trading Advisor, past associate member of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange, and an asset manager who has personally managed hundreds of clients and millions in aggregate account value.

Everyone lives their life by their own standards, and sooner or later you hopefully realize that the greater good is in sharing your knowledge and helping others.

And for me, personally, that means opening my trading toolbox
and sharing my knowledge with other traders.

I've written a short brief on some simple changes you can make right now to reach your goals. I've been trading a long time, and seen hundreds of traders win and lose their accounts. And I can tell you without a doubt that all of the great traders have something in common. And interestingly enough, all of the losers have something in common - and guess what? - it's the exact opposite of the great traders!

What this simply means is that by making the small changes I outline you can immediately separate yourself from the 95% of traders who consistently lose and propel yourself toward greater profitability.

I have over a decade in the trenches trading bonds, commodities, futures and the currency markets. The latter half of my career has focused strictly on currencies.

I've had a long career, but it's time for me to slow down and approach life a little differently.

This is a FREE report that I have personally written and it contains what I truly believe is the #1 change you can make RIGHT NOW to increase your winning trades.

Separate yourself from the 95% of losers, take advantage of my knowledge, and read this report today!

Definitely better.

I'd take the "And why brokers..." etc
and put it on a line below, use it as
a kind of subhead.

Also, I hate to be the devil's advocate
here, but you may be better off
shortening the copy too. Just boil
it down to bullets to make the page
a little more effective at grabbing leads.

Hope that's useful Benq. If I give
away any more than that that I'll
have to send you an invoice

Good luck with it.

-David Raybould

I don't do this often - and it's not what I would call great
copy by any stretch, but it's a skeleton you can use to
increase your conversions by... a lot!

I'm giving it to you here as a gift. You'll still need to work
on it.



Headline "Revealed! The Number #1 Change You MUST MAKE right now to Boost Your Winning Trades By As Much As 340%"!

Subhead or eyebrow: Former CTA claims "I've traded and won through booms and busts, and now I've created a system so you can use my proven methods to win at trading."


From the desk of ____ -______

I've had a long career, but I've made my money and now it's time for me to slow down, spend more time with my family, and approach my trading business a little differently.

Everyone lives their life by their own standards, and sooner or later you hopefully realize that the greater good is in sharing your knowledge and helping others.

I've done the big trading career - I'm looking for new challenges and that that means opening my trading toolbox and sharing my knowledge with others.

We've all been watching the current economy fold like a house of cards in a gust of wind. I know the insider secrets to making big bucks in trading through good times and bad. know 95% of traders consistently lose money because they don't have the information I have about HOW THE SYSTEM REALLY WORKS!

One night last month, after watching xyz and going to bed, I couldn't sleep - I knew I information and insight locked-up in my brain other traders would be desperate to know - but until that night I never revealed those secrets to anyone but a close-knit group of friends who I swore to silence. I was actually wracked by guilt because I knew so many people who have lost countless thousands in trading could turn their fortunes with my...


Etc...




That sort of thing.

Thank you, everyone for your tips and insights.

Hey Benq,

Just a question for you...

When you read each of the replies in this thread, did you even stop to ask yourself why you paid them any attention?

I'll bet you'd find it has something to do with an innate reaction that almost everyone has.

And even though you've probably seen it over a hundred thousand times in your lifetime (maybe even millions at this point, if you're over 27 or 28 years of age), most people take this 'approach' for granted. In fact, they usually notice it most...

When it's missing!

Now I'm no brilliant behavioral psychologist. Sure, I've spent years studying people, language, and even persuasion and NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) at various points in my life.

In spite of that background, the reaction I'm talking about is something I picked up on long before I opened my first book on any of those things... based on my own emotional reaction to other people's words.

Come to think of it, you'd likely be able to point it out to me in a second if we were in the same room together. Or even watching someone else's conversation.

What is that reaction, you ask?

It's simple...

People turn their head and their attention to you almost immediately when you call them by name!

And it's almost as effective when you address them with a term they've used to describe themself, the way "expectant mothers" perk up their ears when they hear anyone say "For expectant mothers only".

Now why do you think that is?

I'd guess that it's because of most people's internal focus. Maybe you've heard it described as "enlightened self-interest."

But either way, as soon as somebody starts talking about me or my interests, I'm bound to listen up. At least long enough to hear if it's something that actually affects me.

But if somebody starts talking about themselves from their first word, I usually have the same reaction you might have in that situation. "Ah, it's all about them... I'll listen later if I have the time, I've got to get to the store first."

Don't you do that too?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Okay, I think you get my point. And I was having a little fun with it, I hope you don't mind.

But my first reaction on reading your initial post was "Holy smokes, look how many times he says "I - me - my" in the first few paragraphs... almost 10 times before he mentions the reader by saying "you"!

(You're right, I forgot about the headline... but with it so small, it almost disappeared on first reading. It'll certainly stand out with the formatting you mentioned. And the fourth paragraph about realizing "the greater good... in helping others" is actually about you again... it's not really about your reader at all!)

As Alexa mentioned, it's so important to connect with the customer with your letter. And I'd suggest it's better to do that as soon as you can, and often, if you want to keep their eyes on the page.

So maybe you could focus the reader's attention with something about them right off the bat, like a statement or a question to grab their attention and steer it in the direction you want to go.

For a pattern that could get you started in that direction, I humbly submit this letter. It certainly contains a few questions and highlights -- and the word "you" -- a handful of times in just the first few lines. Hopefully you find it sounds natural in the way that was handled, too...

Working some of the other suggestions from this thread into your copy, along with your impressive qualifications and experience and an undoubtedly helpful "missing link" trading idea you've hinted at, will produce a winning letter that you'll be proud of.

You can be sure of it!

Best,
Anthony

I think I'm getting close to something I myself would buy -- but maybe that's because I've been staring at the words all day.




Dear Trading Friend,

I'm a retired Commodity Trading Advisor, past associate member of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange, and an asset manager who has personally managed hundreds of clients and millions in aggregate account value.

I've had a long career, but I've made my money and now it's time for me to slow down, spend more time with my family, and approach my trading business a little differently.

Everyone lives their life by their own standards, and sooner or later you hopefully realize that the greater good is in sharing your knowledge and helping others.

I've done the big trading career. Now I'm looking for new challenges - and that means opening my trading toolbox and sharing my knowledge with fellow traders just like you.

I know the inside secrets to making big bucks in trading through good times and bad. A full 95% of traders consistently lose money because they don't have the information I have about HOW THE SYSTEM REALLY WORKS!

I've written a short brief on some simple changes you can make right now to reach your goals. I've been trading a long time, and seen hundreds of traders win and lose their accounts. And I can tell you without a doubt that all of the great traders have one thing in common. And interestingly enough, all of the losers have one thing in common - and guess what? - it's the exact opposite of the great traders!

What this simply means is that by making the small changes I outline you can IMMEDIATELY separate yourself from the 95% of traders who consistently lose and propel yourself toward greater profitability.

Take advantage of my over a decade experience in the trenches trading bonds, commodities, futures and the currency markets.

This is a FREE report that I have personally written and it contains what I truly believe is the #1 change you can make RIGHT NOW to increase your winning trades.

Separate yourself from the 95% of losers, take advantage of my knowledge, and read this report today!

Thank you to all who have shared. Great information.

Hello Benq,
Near the end you have written separate yourself from the 95% or something to that effect, at two places. You can make it a positive statement by saying joining 5% of the winners or something to that effect.
Positive statements are generally better than negative ones. Best

That's a great idea, vistad. Thank you.

You need to be careful, Ben, about "talking" about yourself too
much - which is why I slashed some of that stuff from your
original draft when I rewrote it.

Here's how it works... people are CURIOUS about others. They
like stories... so you can benefit by sharing your story and people
will read it.

However - if you make static proclamations of what you are like
you are applying for a job you'll lose them... because it's boring.

You've put this right up at the top (and I cut it because, in
my opinion, it's not good for your copy):
"I'm a retired Commodity Trading Advisor, past associate member of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange, and an asset manager who has personally managed hundreds of clients and millions in aggregate account value."

- now I realize you are justifiably proud of your history and
success - but leading with this kind of information will
send people away. Not because your job experience is
irrelevant to you being qualified to write the report, but
because there is no "movement" in the way you say it -
and you've put this slow-patch right at the critical
transition from head-copy to body copy... where you'll
lose readership with it.

That's another good point, Loren. I think I do want that paragraph somewhere in order to convey that I do have the experience necessary. I'll find a spot lower in the body and move it down. Thanks.