Critique my 'non-classical' copy

22 replies
Hello guys

I've been a huge lurker in the copywriting section and I honestly think this might be the most helpful subforum in WF and I hope to get some helpful, constructive criticism here, as I've read so much useful stuff on here, also got a copy of a few copywriting courses/books that I'm still going through.

The aim: for the person to take action and register a website.
Target audience: No professional clientele, just regular people who are tired of their jobs and are just starting to wander off the idea to start making money online, much like newcomers on WF.
the page: Creating A Website in 3 Steps - Found Success
(It's supposed to be a convincing tutorial. The tutorial is designed to be very user-friendly and basic)

This might be a bit cluttered, should possibly cut this down to a smaller size, but I wanted to address the most common questions.

Also you might have had noticed I didn't take the traditional route which you usually see in sales-pages, because I'm not trying to sell a product, no focus in over-selling or over-convincing; instead I hope to motivate the person to take action.

I realize this might get some negative feedback here, it's pretty unusual but lets see what you guys got to say.

+ a bonus would be to critique my signature copy(I think it's very good, btw), also, as in it's related to the original critiqued page.


Thank you in advance and I truly appreciate your time to respond to this

/EDIT: New version

Updated Version 2.0 Copy



Walt
#copy #critique #nonclassical
  • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
    It's great. I wouldn't change a thing. I know you will get great results
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    • Profile picture of the author Walt SEO
      Originally Posted by ThomasOMalley View Post

      It's great. I wouldn't change a thing. I know you will get great results
      Are you using sarcasm? It sure feels like that way, but I can't be sure here.
      Originally Posted by ThomasOMalley View Post

      My policy from now on is to tell anyone who asks for a critique that their sales page or website is fantastic and then secretly laugh to myself as I type that.
      Oh I see now. Have a good laugh - I've heard it's useful to your health.

      Originally Posted by joe golfer View Post

      Why the throat clearing and preamble?

      The core of the page is this as far as I can tell: "START OFF by creating a damn site which will take under 2 minutes, without any tech know-how and in 3 easy steps as I’ll show you ASAP."

      Modify that into a decent headline and go from there. Move all that other stuff down below.
      As far throat clearing goes I'm a firm believer in that the visitor should know EXACTLY what the site/article/processed info is about. As for the preamble - it's not create a little bit of emotional bond (didn't manage to pull through, apparently)


      Thank you very much for the feedback, none the less, I will definitely try and work on the idea of 'starting off' with "the start off". Good advice!


      Walt
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      • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
        The purpose of direct response copy is to motivate the reader to take an action.

        Make a purchase.

        Request a freebie.

        Take a survey.

        Get it?

        So when you say "non-classical" copy, do you mean "something other than direct response copy"?

        Alex
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        • Profile picture of the author Walt SEO
          Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

          The purpose of direct response copy is to motivate the reader to take an action.

          Make a purchase.

          Request a freebie.

          Take a survey.

          Get it?

          So when you say "non-classical" copy, do you mean "something other than direct response copy"?

          Alex
          My idea of a 'classical copy' is a squeeze page with yellow background, ugly alignment, with filled with over-selling fluff(which is about 1000 words into copy till it even states what's it about) and is too long to scroll to eventually find the point/price/message.

          No need to act as if I was describing a bad copy; I described a common copy. An old "style" of copy.

          According to your logic, old classic 60s cars are the same as new 2014 cars because they still have the same principle - to drive from point A to point B.

          Get it?


          Thank you for responding none the less and truly appreciate how much you were able to critique my copy in your post. (<<< sarcasm, you didn't tell me anything about my copy, unfortunately)

          Edit2: I didn't want to sound like a d*ck about it - I would be grateful of criticism towards my copy if I had any. For the responder below - notes taken!

          Walt
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          • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
            Originally Posted by Walt SEO View Post

            According to your logic, old classic 60s cars are the same as new 2014 cars because they still have the same principle - to drive from point A to point B.

            Get it?
            No. I don't get it. (Not that I'm involved in this fascinating conversation, but)...

            An "old" sales letter could pimp out a 60's car... and a brand-spankin'-new 2014 whatever.

            Because certain aspects of DM are timeless...

            Just as certain aspects of being human are timeless.

            Totally different. A bad comparison.

            As far as your "letter" is concerned.

            You actually can write. But your copy, positioning, hook, any evidence you know your ideal customer... and just about anything that demonstrates your copy chops is missing.

            Your whole first paragraph is boring, doesn't agitate anything. In fact, it's just aggravating to be honest.

            Originally Posted by Walt SEO View Post

            Thank you for responding none the less and truly appreciate how much you were able to critique my copy in your post.


            Walt
            Jeez. This kinda stuff makes me throw up a little bit in my mouth.
            Signature

            Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More

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          • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
            Originally Posted by Walt SEO View Post

            I would be grateful of criticism towards my copy if I had any.
            Mark summed it up well:

            Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti View Post

            Your copy, positioning, hook, any evidence you know your ideal customer... and just about anything that demonstrates your copy chops is missing.

            Your whole first paragraph is boring, doesn't agitate anything. In fact, it's just aggravating to be honest.
            Alex
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  • Profile picture of the author joe golfer
    Why the throat clearing and preamble?

    The core of the page is this as far as I can tell: "START OFF by creating a damn site which will take under 2 minutes, without any tech know-how and in 3 easy steps as I’ll show you ASAP."

    Modify that into a decent headline and go from there. Move all that other stuff down below.
    Signature
    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
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  • Profile picture of the author joe golfer
    Consider creating a separate post where you can move the preselling elements, and use a traditional sales letter structure on the current page to fully explain the service. You don't have to oversell or overconvince, but the traditional structure helps the reader follow and understand the pitch.

    And it helps the copywriter make sure they address all the questions and concerns the reader will have.

    If they get confused or feel like their question is not being addressed, they bail.

    Here is a good traditional structure:
    David Frey's 12-Step Foolproof Sales Letter Template
    Marketing Article: 12-Step Foolproof Sales Letter Template
    Signature
    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    Walt,

    Writing your own copy is hard enough, and putting it up for critique can be even more painful. We get that. That's the gig.

    All that said...

    You're trying too hard. Take it easier on yourself... and your reader.

    Lose the oh so tired big-bad-guru, "me? I'm a nice guy" angle and stick to what you've got for them and what it'll do for them. You're projecting your own cynicism onto prospects.

    Don't make this harder than it needs to be.

    What have you got? (Does it pass the "so what" test?)

    What'll it do for me? (Get specific and lay it out in terms of benefits, not facts)

    What do you want me to do next? (Again, get specific...)

    What will my life be like when I do it?

    What will my life be like if I chicken out or wait?

    Keep working... it never ends.
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
      Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod View Post


      Keep working... it never ends.
      Truer words may not have ever been spoken on this quiet little sub-forum.
      Signature

      Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8963789].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Tim R
    Clearly English isn't your first language, as there's all sorts of problems going on here with your writing. That's something you'll need to try and work on.

    I don't know what you're trying to do with all the font and colour changes, but it looks ridiculous. There's no way I would take a site seriously with that kind of style and format.

    Ok, I struggled to skim through the copy. Honestly, it's terrible. You probably don't want to hear that, but it's the truth.

    Instead of dismissing the idea of 'classical copy', you'd be better off studying it to learn as much as you can. The reason it's used so much is because it works.
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  • Profile picture of the author CovertCopywriting
    Walt.

    I took my own kicking from these guys a few days ago, indeed you found it. What I have done, and am about to reload in the morning, is a new version of my copy. I took it to heart, got a bit defensive, then went away and had a look at what I'd done.

    I had refined all of the punch out of my copy with a million 'little' tweaks. I suspect that's what you've done here.

    It's easy to do, but the others are right. All the fonts and color changes make it nigh-on impossible to read. You know this copy like the back of your hand now, but literally try and read it like you haven't seen it before. You'll skim over it like we did.

    Two fonts, two colours, is what I'd recommend as a maximum. And clean up your graphics, it looks like a kid with ADD has gone mad with Microsoft Paint and some downloaded screenshots...

    Secondly I don't see the non classical aspect. I see an attempt at classical. I tried other people's methods, didn't work, tried something new, found some success, here is what I'm going to give you and then it's up to you to put some work in and find your own path.

    Kinda looks like half the classical journey without the guaranteed payout.

    It's not a bad offer, but it needs rewriting, the page needs cleaning up.

    Personally I would also focus it. Because what you're offering is achievable through any hosting company with a template built site.

    So I would suggest offering:

    1 of 3 proven moneyspinning site concepts. At the moment you have infinite choice, which is too much for most people's heads to take. Paradox of choice, analysis paralysis, call it whatever you want. You have it.

    I know you're saying "Just start a damn website." But if I am a typical person, sitting there without an idea, I can continue to feel stupid with you shouting at me or I can go and look at funny cat memes on Facebook with a click of a mouse and feel better about myself that way.

    Offer them the choice to do their own, but base it around 3 turnkey sites, ready to go, selling love, sexual magnetism, property riches, investment success, whatever you want.

    Then get someone to rewrite that carnage that is a web page. Ditch your blog post, too, just calling everyone else copycats does not automatically make you different.

    Use the blog for something useful. Tell people the new moneyspinning niches, not the well-trodden path, if you have anything to say on the subject. Find the best dropshipping offers, find the latest IM millionaires, or any of them. Use them as inspirational stories.

    Use it to answer questions that readers might have after reading your copy.

    Hopefully that's constructive enough.
    Signature

    Nick Hall
    Covert Copywriting - Your Secret Sales Weapon

    Nick@covert-copywriting
    www.covert-copywriting.com

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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Yeah...the English is horrible. That will turn your reader right off. Look how you start -
    The No-Bullshit Guide How To Create A Lucratice Money Making Website
    Lucra...Lucra...Lucra. The word is "lucrative".

    As for the rest - you've over-sauced the recipe and it tastes like a mess. Both in the design and the writing. K.I.S.S. - "keep it simple stupid".

    This is all you need - Place Your Title Here
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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    I get what you're trying to do here, but the delivery is clunky and awkwardly written. Sounds more like a stream of consciousness draft than a final copy.

    I suggest reading it out loud, recording it and listening to it a few days later with a fresh perspective. Forget that its the copy you worked so hard on and pretend you're reading/listening to someone else's ad.

    Do this at least five times and listen for anything that's:

    1. Confusing.
    2. Oversold.
    3. Boring.
    4. Irrelevant.
    5. Awkward.

    You'll hear what needs to be removed or rewritten.
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  • Profile picture of the author Sean DeSilva
    Here are my thoughts:

    Your copy starts with a subhead, a vague one. There is no hook. I would change the headline to something that implied more of a unique angle, like "After Creating Dozens of High-End Websites Under the Gun, Here's My 3 Step Fast-Track Way of Doing It"

    Or something to that effect, followed by a short line that further piques their interest, and does nothing else other than encourage them to continue reading:. Example:

    In fact, my old boss didn't know whether to tell me I was odd, or ingenius for thinking this up…

    From this point, you start listing some of the ways how your website set up proces is so unique, weird, different, but why it's also better. You're just hinting, not revealing everything. You weave it into a back story that goes into the origin or source of your discovery, how it affected the way you and your coworkers or whoever else does things, etc.

    Keep in mind that the more you emphasize words, the less power each emphasis has, and the more overall visual noise you add to the sales message.

    Take every paragraph that is five lines or longer and try to break it down to two or three lines. This will require shortening sentences and figuring out where to nicely break them.

    As you break your paragraphs, think which paragraphs would benefit from additional clarity before they're read. Try to insert some short subheads in those spots. some subheads further the story. Others voice customer concerns. Others are statements and affirmations.

    Your top copy block is unfriendly for skimming so a few well-done subheads will go a long way. constructing an outline of your current sales letter would help you with this.

    Copy laden with exclamation marks isn't my style, but other copywriters do just fine with the hypey tone. I personally think you should tone down the energy and tone up the outside references and support.
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    • Profile picture of the author Paul Langham
      It reads to me as if you are using what you think is some standard type of IM sales message to try and hook people in, but that it's not really you and it doesn't flow easily for you.

      Why not just be yourself, explain what it is you are offering in a simpler and easier manner and maybe get someone to look at some of the grammar.
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      • Profile picture of the author Walt SEO
        Update.

        I've been following this thread and testing, tweaking A LOT. I've thanked you all under your posts to show my gratitude; so don't think I got offended and quit or anything like that; it's not in my nature to quit!

        Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti View Post

        As far as your "letter" is concerned.

        You actually can write. But your copy, positioning, hook, any evidence you know your ideal customer... and just about anything that demonstrates your copy chops is missing.

        Your whole first paragraph is boring, doesn't agitate anything. In fact, it's just aggravating to be honest.
        This is some very valuable advice! I forgot the absolute ABC of writing a copy, to make the starting lines compelling.. I just didn't see it myself!

        Originally Posted by joe golfer View Post

        Consider creating a separate post where you can move the preselling elements, and use a traditional sales letter structure on the current page to fully explain the service. You don't have to oversell or overconvince, but the traditional structure helps the reader follow and understand the pitch.

        And it helps the copywriter make sure they address all the questions and concerns the reader will have.

        If they get confused or feel like their question is not being addressed, they bail.

        Here is a good traditional structure:
        David Frey's 12-Step Foolproof Sales Letter Template
        Marketing Article: 12-Step Foolproof Sales Letter Template
        Amazing advice. I had a good cause to present my visitor everything in a single go so they wouldn't have the hassle to navigate any further on. But I was obviously giving them TOO much at a single go. My current structure allows to pre-screen the people who actually WANT to create a website. Good reference to the article, real traditional.
        Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod View Post

        Walt,

        Writing your own copy is hard enough, and putting it up for critique can be even more painful. We get that. That's the gig.

        All that said...

        You're trying too hard. Take it easier on yourself... and your reader.

        Lose the oh so tired big-bad-guru, "me? I'm a nice guy" angle and stick to what you've got for them and what it'll do for them. You're projecting your own cynicism onto prospects.

        Don't make this harder than it needs to be.

        What have you got? (Does it pass the "so what" test?)

        What'll it do for me? (Get specific and lay it out in terms of benefits, not facts)

        What do you want me to do next? (Again, get specific...)

        What will my life be like when I do it?

        What will my life be like if I chicken out or wait?

        Keep working... it never ends.
        I realize that the guru-bashing is getting old but I tried to give my "offer" some artificial value and to be quite honest I'm confident that most of you guys have actually seen WSO-s that show the same thing I show for free.

        You bring out good questions but I'm not going to overload my visitors this time. Keeping it simple and minimalist.

        Originally Posted by Tim R View Post

        Clearly English isn't your first language, as there's all sorts of problems going on here with your writing. That's something you'll need to try and work on.

        I don't know what you're trying to do with all the font and colour changes, but it looks ridiculous. There's no way I would take a site seriously with that kind of style and format.

        Ok, I struggled to skim through the copy. Honestly, it's terrible. You probably don't want to hear that, but it's the truth.

        Instead of dismissing the idea of 'classical copy', you'd be better off studying it to learn as much as you can. The reason it's used so much is because it works.
        Well that's a bummer - I'm not sure how to interpret this, but I suppose I need to work on phrasing my sentences in a more clear order! Thanks for pointing this out!

        The color and formatting? Well people nowadays just skim through articles without actually comprehending the message in it thus I've just made the message "glow" out of the context so even the skimmers could clearly understand what's this page about.

        Sometimes I have a problem taking people seriously who act too serious over the internet, you know? I think we're getting similar vibes here

        Yeah no problem, I agree, it was pretty weak. Thanks for honest feedback!

        Originally Posted by CovertCopywriting View Post

        Walt.

        I took my own kicking from these guys a few days ago, indeed you found it. What I have done, and am about to reload in the morning, is a new version of my copy. I took it to heart, got a bit defensive, then went away and had a look at what I'd done.

        I had refined all of the punch out of my copy with a million 'little' tweaks. I suspect that's what you've done here.

        It's easy to do, but the others are right. All the fonts and color changes make it nigh-on impossible to read. You know this copy like the back of your hand now, but literally try and read it like you haven't seen it before. You'll skim over it like we did.

        Two fonts, two colours, is what I'd recommend as a maximum. And clean up your graphics, it looks like a kid with ADD has gone mad with Microsoft Paint and some downloaded screenshots...

        Secondly I don't see the non classical aspect. I see an attempt at classical. I tried other people's methods, didn't work, tried something new, found some success, here is what I'm going to give you and then it's up to you to put some work in and find your own path.

        Kinda looks like half the classical journey without the guaranteed payout.

        It's not a bad offer, but it needs rewriting, the page needs cleaning up.

        Personally I would also focus it. Because what you're offering is achievable through any hosting company with a template built site.

        So I would suggest offering:

        1 of 3 proven moneyspinning site concepts. At the moment you have infinite choice, which is too much for most people's heads to take. Paradox of choice, analysis paralysis, call it whatever you want. You have it.

        I know you're saying "Just start a damn website." But if I am a typical person, sitting there without an idea, I can continue to feel stupid with you shouting at me or I can go and look at funny cat memes on Facebook with a click of a mouse and feel better about myself that way.

        Offer them the choice to do their own, but base it around 3 turnkey sites, ready to go, selling love, sexual magnetism, property riches, investment success, whatever you want.

        Then get someone to rewrite that carnage that is a web page. Ditch your blog post, too, just calling everyone else copycats does not automatically make you different.

        Use the blog for something useful. Tell people the new moneyspinning niches, not the well-trodden path, if you have anything to say on the subject. Find the best dropshipping offers, find the latest IM millionaires, or any of them. Use them as inspirational stories.

        Use it to answer questions that readers might have after reading your copy.

        Hopefully that's constructive enough.
        One h*ll of a reply there, Nick!

        You're right, the colors and formatting is a mess. Period. As for the "ass kicking" I'm pretty sure I got what I asked for so there's no harm done there. I thrive on criticism. (I'm a freak for self-improvement and I am a firm believer that you need criticism to improve)

        You throw in valuable suggestions and I appreciate your time taking to further explore my site, but unfortunately I have a (very) different vision for the website in whole so I'm going to dismiss the latter advice The first half-of-response was pure gold, tho!

        Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

        Yeah...the English is horrible. That will turn your reader right off. Look how you start - Lucra...Lucra...Lucra. The word is "lucrative".

        As for the rest - you've over-sauced the recipe and it tastes like a mess. Both in the design and the writing. K.I.S.S. - "keep it simple stupid".

        This is all you need - Place Your Title Here
        Haa, classical typo - clearly I know how the word is written as my signature and bar-on-top of the site have the correct spelling.

        I'm sorry you feel that my English is horrible as I've actually studied it for quite a while(but studying is a non-ending progress, so I know I have to just try harder and keep practicing!)

        I attempted to keep it retarded-simple in my first go(and was trying to amplify it with the colors and formatting) - but, yes, you make a valid point. The copy and the design is a mess. I'm surprised you were the first to call out the bad design.

        I'm not a copywriter(well, obviously), BUT I DO think of myself as someone knowledgeable about design with 7 years of experience in freelance design. And I just didn't see how bad that design, typography, alignment was and it was a no-go.

        I re-designed the whole tut; gave it a much more sleeker appeal! I would very much like to hear 2nd opinion on the new design, thanks!

        The last reference, I read it 6 times. It was a good re-read. Bookmarked it to reference all my future blog posts on it.

        Originally Posted by sethczerepak View Post

        I get what you're trying to do here, but the delivery is clunky and awkwardly written. Sounds more like a stream of consciousness draft than a final copy.

        I suggest reading it out loud, recording it and listening to it a few days later with a fresh perspective. Forget that its the copy you worked so hard on and pretend you're reading/listening to someone else's ad.

        Do this at least five times and listen for anything that's:

        1. Confusing.
        2. Oversold.
        3. Boring.
        4. Irrelevant.
        5. Awkward.

        You'll hear what needs to be removed or rewritten.
        Can I give you a cookie? Because this is #thepost of this thread. Real gold. A FRESH perspective is what I needed and this is what I applied. I added this to my personal notebook. Thank you!

        Originally Posted by Sean DeSilva View Post

        Here are my thoughts:

        Your copy starts with a subhead, a vague one. There is no hook. I would change the headline to something that implied more of a unique angle, like "After Creating Dozens of High-End Websites Under the Gun, Here's My 3 Step Fast-Track Way of Doing It"

        Or something to that effect, followed by a short line that further piques their interest, and does nothing else other than encourage them to continue reading:. Example:

        In fact, my old boss didn't know whether to tell me I was odd, or ingenius for thinking this up…

        From this point, you start listing some of the ways how your website set up proces is so unique, weird, different, but why it's also better. You're just hinting, not revealing everything. You weave it into a back story that goes into the origin or source of your discovery, how it affected the way you and your coworkers or whoever else does things, etc.

        Keep in mind that the more you emphasize words, the less power each emphasis has, and the more overall visual noise you add to the sales message.

        Take every paragraph that is five lines or longer and try to break it down to two or three lines. This will require shortening sentences and figuring out where to nicely break them.

        As you break your paragraphs, think which paragraphs would benefit from additional clarity before they're read. Try to insert some short subheads in those spots. some subheads further the story. Others voice customer concerns. Others are statements and affirmations.

        Your top copy block is unfriendly for skimming so a few well-done subheads will go a long way. constructing an outline of your current sales letter would help you with this.

        Copy laden with exclamation marks isn't my style, but other copywriters do just fine with the hypey tone. I personally think you should tone down the energy and tone up the outside references and support.
        Gold nugget after a gold nugget. You sir clearly know what you're talking about. I took your advice very seriously. I hope my hook is more attractive now. I toned everything down. And trimmed the text. And the tutorial itself. Everything. Minimal.

        Originally Posted by Paul Langham View Post

        It reads to me as if you are using what you think is some standard type of IM sales message to try and hook people in, but that it's not really you and it doesn't flow easily for you.

        Why not just be yourself, explain what it is you are offering in a simpler and easier manner and maybe get someone to look at some of the grammar.
        I'm sorry that you got this expression because I was trying to be different from everybody else, hence the title "non-traditional" copy and to clarify this for once and all, my idea of a classical copy is something very standard, such as yellow background, A HUGE-forever-to-scroll offer with 25% of text having an emotional introduction about what they had and then another of 50% text to "i'm about to show" with walking around the bush-style, avoiding being clear and just being fluff.

        Mine being non-traditional as in being very concrete, direct and honest. Also with a little touch on the design element as in it's not a squeeze page.

        Hope this clears a thing or two.

        Thank you for mentioning grammar; I obviously write like a child, but I hope to improve. No hard feelings, I'll attempt to get a proofreader whenever possible.



        And without further a do:
        Updated Version 2.0 Copy
        Old Outdated Previous Version


        Thank you everybody! It took me a while to respond to everybody, but this is to show that I am actually thankful for your input and that it is not unnoticed!

        Edit: Oh and did I mention I now offer a 20% discount for the hosting.

        Walt
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        • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
          Originally Posted by Walt SEO View Post

          You bring out good questions but I'm not going to overload my visitors this time. Keeping it simple and minimalist.
          And.... we're done.
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          • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
            Walt, you are making a common mistake on trying
            to convince people to buy who have no intention, desire
            or motivation to do so.

            A straight forward approach is to start your message
            telling who it's for...people who have already thought
            about buying, but haven't.

            The trick is then to name the reasons why
            they haven't bought.

            Then follow up with something they can do
            means they can also reach their once sought
            after goal they have given up on.

            Here's an example...

            For The Person Who Secretly Wants A Money Making Website
            But Thinks It's Too Expensive, Hard Or Technical...

            If you can type an email to friends and family, then this will be
            the best message you've read all year.

            Best,
            Ewen
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        • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
          Banned
          Originally Posted by Walt SEO View Post

          The word is "ado" not "a do". Try Spellcheck.

          As for the "updated version"...what's new? It's still a mess. There's way too much going on on that page. You're making it hard for the reader. I gave you a pointer. Apparently you read it 6 times. Seems it didn't sink in.

          Look to the right of your page -
          Count the hours spent on TV, internet, & social media in a given week. Now, count the hours spent on achieving your goals. See a problem?
          Hilarious. And here you are adding to our misery by trying to get us to read through all your pearls of wisdom.

          BTW amongst all the dud English on that page...the saying is "on the internet". NOT "in the internet".

          Everything about this site of yours is bloody awful. And why you choose turd-brown as a background color for a site on how to make money online one will never know. As a designer you should know that brown is the least favorite color for both sexes. Yes I know it can look classy. Yes I know it can imply ruggedness/dependability/conservatism blah blah. But dude - it just doesn't pop.

          You start this whole thing off by saying it's a "no-bullshit guide"... and then what do you do? Bullshit us. With
          How To Create A Lucrative Money Making Website With 3 Easy Steps In 2 Minutes
          Where are the "3 easy steps"? Where are the "2 minutes"? (and the word is "money-making" BTW)

          In short - what on earth are you trying to say or do here? It's a train-wreck.


          This will help you - http://www.digitalmarketer.com/split...t-conversions/
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          • Profile picture of the author Tyke
            Sorry, but I have to agree with others when they say the English is terrible, because it is. That alone would put me off, and I'm sure has the same effect on many others. That's not meant as a criticism of you and your ability to write and/or speak English, since I'm sure you do a much better job of that than I would trying to do the same in whatever your native language is. So, kudos to you for even trying.

            But, my point here is that, if you're writing to persuade English-speaking readers to take whatever action you want them to take, you need to first write in legible, standard English. If that means hiring someone to translate what you're attempting to say into good English, then that's probably what you should do, if you want readers to take your copy seriously. It doesn't have to be perfect, but should at least read as if written by a native English speaker, which yours currently doesn't.

            I also think your offer is misleading. You're not really helping people create a money-making website - you're just showing them how to set up a basic website that they can then take and build into a money-making website, if they so choose, and, more importantly, if they know how to. Creating a website is the easy part - creating a site that actually makes money is another thing altogether. That's the part that takes all the work, and you offer no help or advice as to how to do that.

            You're basically just trying to make money through your affiliate links, which is fair enough, but the way you're going about it doesn't seem very ethical to me. When I first wanted to build a new website, I had no idea what hosting was or even what it meant, so, if I were a complete novice coming across your site, the first thing I'd wonder is, "What's this hosting stuff?", and that's probably as far as I'd go. So, I think an explanation of the process involved might go a long way to getting more readers interested in your offer.

            You asked for feedback - there's mine, for what it's worth,
            Ray
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  • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
    Your new website version is terrible. You need to hire a copywriter. Your copy just doesn't flow or make sense.

    That dog won't hunt!

    Read and use the solid info. in Dan Furman's book, Do the Web Write, which is available at amazon.com.
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