Critique my sales page/copy.

2 quick things...

There's no real hook... you come across as just another guy selling a "get rich quick scheme".

What's your story? How did you learn how this money making strategy?

Also there's no proof anywhere that you can help a person earn $5k a month...

Which is needed to avoid that "just another guy" stigma.

Chris

P.S. 1 more... your headline is bad. It sounds like a scam.

P.P.S. Just before I go... what's your product even called? I may have missed it, though I'm pretty sure it's not in there.

Fails at the spurious headline and goes quickly downhill in the credibility stakes.

Just to add to what Chris, Mal, and Brian already pointed out... the headline sucks and it all just goes downhill from there.

You're trying to get attention in the #1 most hyped up, scammed up, skeptical market there is... the "make money" niche.

and yet, you have ZERO proof on your page of your claims.

ZERO.

So, it's far too bad to point out all of the issues... but one
simple way you can make the headline better... is just right underneath it,
put a REAL screen shot of income statements, bank statements, check stubs,
paychecks, paypal screen shots... anything that proves your claim.

Your headline is like Tourettes... you're basically just shouting out meaningless
stuff.

But if you put real screen shots that back up what you're saying... you take a leap
in credibility.

Now, that headline would still not be great... but even if you kept it, and right under it,
had a ton of proof and REAL screen shots, and then a bunch of testimonials with real names, etc... it would at least improve upon it.

But no sense going any further than headline... because people will stop right there and click away.

At the beginning of the letter, you guarantee the reader $5K a month. At the end of the letter, you guarantee their "success." An obvious way to weasel out of giving a refund when the person doesn't make that $5K.

Also, slashing the price from $1,400 to $850 all the way to $34.99 looks ultra-scammy.

And as others have said, if you're really making $160K a year, it's so freakin' easy to show proof. Post a screenshot of your PayPal account. Do a quick video of you going over your sales for the past month. You need SOMETHING up there.

-Nick

Really appreciate the criticism, guys, from the bottom of my heart.
I guess in just wading around in the dark atm. I don't really know what a killer squeeze page looks like. I figured a guarantee gives the lead no excuses for not diving in. I really do have a great product, I'm not just saying that.

Ok after going through as much literature as I could get my head around, I started over.

Here's the Link

I feel like I have some structure now, although I have no doubt it still needs work. Thanks guys!

I like this but i think you should add a video

You still need to spend 2/3 hours on that headline.

Take a look at other successful headlines in your niche to get an idea...

It may feel like you're wasting time spending hours on 1 sentence - but it's the best thing you can do. If the headline doesn't grab the reader, they won't read on.

"Here is the proof"

Replace it with
"See it Yourself"

After the sub-head that says 'proof that this works' it switches to something that has nothing to do with the 'proof'

You say "Income Proof" and then you use a "proof" picture from 2012. Really?

Have not read further as nobody will read further. Meaning nobody that
is supposed to turn into a customer. Well, unless that is your moron filter...

lol seriously, this is the copywriting forum, I dont spend alot (if any) of my time here and now I know why. I have never written a sales letter in my life. I have an interest in it and I am trying to learn it for myself and all I get is jackasses telling me to outsource it and that they stopped reading at first line. Laters.