In my (very, very) humble opinion, it seems a little long and wordy...

Maybe something shorter and less cluttered, along the lines of

"How to Easily Approach Any Woman and Create Uncontrollable Attraction"
"The simple method that gets any woman to gladly hand over her number and go on a date with you... even if you're a broke 255lb social reject"

would be a bit easier to read?

Gil-Ad

Both the header and sub are wayyyyy too long, unbelievable, and contain grammatical errors.

Hey Karl,

As two have already said: It's way too long.

Long headlines CAN work... but I don't like 'em. Short and punchy is what I work with.

If you post in my other thread: http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...rewriting.html I'll gladly give you a few headline rewrites.

As for writing your own, there are a few goals that your headline needs to reach.

• Inform quickly
• Catch attention
• Get the reader to read the next line

Grabbing attention is the most important here, but when you successfully mix all three, you'll have a winner on your hands.

Hey Vanquish

I see the direction you are trying to go with this. Yes, your headline and subhead is way to long. As Sheda said grab your readers attention. Also, create some curiosity.

You want to force your customer to the first paragraph, then to the 2nd and so on, and so on. Like Joe Sugarman calls it "The Greased Slide To The Sale".

Here is a example for you.