My first launch and salesletter , please give me your feedback

11 replies
Hy all
I ve just launched my first product online and also my first sales letter.
I don t consider myself a copywriter , this is why i would really like yor reviews about the sales page, and about the site in general.
The site can be found here: Discover the insider dog secrets
I ve also made 3 small landing pages
Here is the first
Here is the second
And here is the third.
This is my first launch , so please be gentle
Thank you very much for taking the time to review this!
#feedback #give #launch #salesletter
  • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
    Before I get too far into this... Your headline needs serious work. It's far too long and doesn't create emotion at all.

    1. Don't use the word ebook. People don't trust them.
    2. Why should I care who Lactu... whoever is?
    3. If I'm in a hurry, why would I spend a minute and a half trying to figure out exactly what your headline says?

    Redo your headline and you'll do a lot better.

    See that thread for some good headline ideas.
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  • Profile picture of the author Tom2009
    Thank you Scheda , i will try to figure out a better, headline, and try to eliminate the ebook word , any help with a better headline ?

    Do you want a website like this ? I can create it for you , and you ll earn at least 3k per month
    Just Pm me
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  • Profile picture of the author Chris Ramsey
    This may help you.

    I put this together when I was first getting into copywriting for a friend.

    Orlando Dog Trainer - Train Your Puppy In Less Than A Month!
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    I'm not sure that insider secrets are something dog people relate to. It works well for money, marketing, gambling, and lots of other stuff, but dogs, I'd say not. I realize you're invested in a couple of graphics with this title but it just doesn't strike me as something that fits the dog obedience niche.

    You mention advice in your pre header. Advice is something people so often get for free. You want to offer strategies, scientific plans, proven methods, training systems... See the difference? Also, you have the word day's with an apostrophe. It should simply be, days. That little error throws off the meaning of the whole sentence and makes it awkward.

    The headline is too long and confusing.

    I like that you offer the table of contents as sort of a teaser. You have several statements in that sample with question marks. The first is, Why Dogs Are Amazing Pets? That's a statement, not a question. If it said, "Why Are Dogs Amazing Pets?" you'd be okay. Lose the question mark. There are a few more like that.

    The overall design is friendly and has appeal but the copy needs a lot of massaging. Good luck!
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    • Profile picture of the author procopywriter
      I get the sense you're not really comfortable with English. Is English your second language?

      I say that because there are a lot of little things that just don't make sense and are going to leave your reader thinking, "huh?"

      One thing to understand: The confused mind does not buy.

      "Discover The Inside Dog Secrets" feels like an incomplete phrase. And Travlinguy is right on. Dogs don't have "inside secrets"--at least, not in the way we're used to understanding the phrase!

      And what does "Take your relationship with your dog at the best level" mean?

      The phrase "had been trying" implies that the reader has stopped trying, and is, therefore, not your prospect.

      And I'm still trying to figure out, "You can betray and defy your dog's bad manners."

      Huh? Those words just don't go together.

      I'd get someone well versed in English to help you improve this. THEN come here for a critique. If your copy is full of these odd phrases and word usages, no one is going to be persuaded by it.

      Joshua Aaron Stanley, The 'Spiritual' Copywriter:
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  • Profile picture of the author Hesster
    I agree about the headline. It's way too wordy and doesn't flow well. It made me tired just reading it. The reader probably has no idea who this Lacatus guy is, or why they should care. It would be different if the name was someone who was well known to the target audience. Here's a couple I came up with on the fly.

    - Now You Can Have The Well Behaved Dog You've Always Wanted

    - Discover The Simple System To Turn Your Misbehaving Pooch Into Man's Best Friend

    - Let The Dog Expert Guide You To Obedience Training Success

    Also, your testimonials have the same header. This gives the reader the impression that they might not be genuine.
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    • Profile picture of the author CopperCopy
      Design wise, I dig it. Really cool design that will get people to look.

      I think nothing irks me more in a title that "Insider Secrets" unless it's an IM niche... I once heard someone was doing an "Insider Secrets to Growing Roses"... Really!? I don't know many rose garden grower associations that are keeping deep secrets about how they grow rose bushes.

      Copy wise, you would do well to heed the advice of the posters above. I would strongly encourage a re-work of the headline... nothing more than 10-15 words, and it should pull the reader in, not give him a summary of what the book / sale is.

      To your success!
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  • Profile picture of the author Tom2009
    Hey , i ve read all your critiques , and i will start remaking it>I knew i had some mistakes but i didn t knew i had so many
    If someone from here, would like to help me, of course i ll pay, then please drop me a Pm, or put it here.
    Also as a sign of gratitude , i will give to the people above a free copy of the ebook
    Thanks again guys

    Do you want a website like this ? I can create it for you , and you ll earn at least 3k per month
    Just Pm me
    Watch And Download Free Movies Daily Updates
    For sale pm me if interested

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  • Profile picture of the author David Raybould
    Hi Tom...

    The main issue here isn't going to
    be the copy... it's the language.

    Make sure you get your next draft
    proof-read by a natural English

    Also, for your next headline, try and
    keep it to less than half the size of
    the current one.

    Remember, your headline and your
    letter in general needs to be aimed
    at your reader...

    Think about where they are, who
    they are, and what they're looking
    for... and write to that.

    Try and keep yourself as far out
    of the mix as possible.

    Good luck

    -David Raybould
    Killer Emails. Cash-spewing VSLs. Turbocharged Landing Pages.

    Whatever you need, my high converting copy puts more money in your pocket. PM for details. 10 years experience and 9 figure revenues.
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  • Profile picture of the author fancyrae
    Hi Tom,

    I'd be happy to revise your sales letter. As the other folks said, it's pretty apparent that English is not your first language.

    I'm new to the Warrior Forum, but not new to sales and marketing.

    Having seen your sales letter, I'm also concerned about the English in your ebook. If it was written by the same person, then I suspect it needs work too.

    Let me know how I can help...
    Convincing Copy and Marketing Magic

    "Get your F.R.E.E. sales letter critique -- receive 3 points for instantly improving your letter's effectiveness. Send a PM to get started today!"
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  • Profile picture of the author Tom2009
    Thank you David for your feedback,i will try to implement everything you ve told me , and fancyrae i ve just sent you a PM. thanks for all your critiques and feedbacks.
    I think that for my next project , which will be very soon, i will invest some money in a real copywriter , because i still need to learn a lot, but don t have the time.
    I think that with 5-6k i will be able to fiind a good copywriter here, no?

    Do you want a website like this ? I can create it for you , and you ll earn at least 3k per month
    Just Pm me
    Watch And Download Free Movies Daily Updates
    For sale pm me if interested

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