Wanna critique my sales page?

22 replies
Hi guys,

Here is my sales page for a niche ebook: Practical Tortoise Care | Get your copy now

I have been quite successful in building traffic to the page, but it's not converting into sales as well as I would like.

I have used Cialdini's six weapons quite a lot, tried to use attention-grabbing words, but it's still converting below 1%. Maybe the page should be longer?
#critique #page #sales #wanna
  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    You mean...

    There's actually a market for this?
    Signature

    Do You Want To Make 5 and 6-Figures A Month As A Freelance Copywriter? My Copywriting System Has Made Over 600 Million Dollars. Discover More

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9041559].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author nhantao20
    [DELETED]
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9044340].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Rdelgado00384
      "You are about to join the thousands of tortoise-keepers who are applying this PROVEN SYSTEM for rearing any tortoise to an optimal level of health and happiness. When you get your copy of Practical Tortoise Care, you will have the same knowledge that professional zookeepers use every day to consistently raise tip-top torts!"

      in the portion up top you did a great job capturing attention. In my opinion (and you can correct me if I'm wrong, still learning my self) i would subtract this part " A big THANK YOU for your interest." and focus on the purpose of the first paragraph which is to get the reader to read the next paragraph creating a "slippery slope" as Joseph sugarman puts it. also there is a template i learned called aida that will help.
      a. attention (which you have achieved)
      I. Interest
      D. desire
      a. action

      thank you for sharing this is so helpful to see others at work.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9044380].message }}
  • I think you're right to play on people's worries that they might do something wrong.

    I mean, none of my friends had tortoises (torti?) growing up.

    The headline should be more specific, though. Give me a reason that I have to keep reading. Scare me that I might already be doing it wrong.

    "3 Deadly Mistakes First-Time (and Lifetime) Tortoise Owners Make"

    That's not great, but you get the idea.

    You also need a lot more info about the product. What are they getting out of it?

    And who are you? Why should they buy from you? Make yourself the tortoise guru.

    That's fun to say. "Tortoise Guru."

    Lastly: seriously... there's a market for this?
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9046140].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
    I want to feel that if I don't get this book right now... I could accidentally and unknowingly kill my beloved tortoise. And that would weigh heavy on my heart for a lifetime.

    MAKE ME FEEL THAT FUTURE PAIN!

    --- Ross
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9046159].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author RedShifted
    I wouldn't buy a thing from that site. And I worked at a pet store for 6 years during college.

    The header is a disaster. The book design is awful. The way its placed in the header is awful (the resolution and edges are messed up). The name of the book isn't really compelling.

    The copy is hard to read, change the font.

    The gaps and alignment look sloppy.

    You don't actually sell the book at all.

    TBO, I've promoted a lot of Clickbank products and if I ever found your product on CB I'd click out of the page immediately. Before I could even scroll down.

    There are so many myths and facts about tortoises that you could have listed to position yourself as an expert.

    There are also tons of rebuttals that you're not addressing.

    I use to sell tortoises and turtles before they were banned for sale in our state. And the fact is, they are extremely easy to take care of. I use to tell people "tortoises are easier to take care of than goldfish". And they are. Because people would bring back dead gold fish every week for refunds but they're rarely bring back dead tortoise for a refund.

    With that said, there are many pain points you can still hit on.

    One thing that tortoises love, that very few people give them, is SPACE.

    This was one pain point I always used when selling them. And I didn't just do it to sell larger tanks but the fact is 90% of people put these things in tiny 10 gallon tanks. They don't realize that a tortoise can grow to the size of a dog.

    And I'd explain to people when selling them, "if you put them in a tiny 10 gallon tank, they'll be happy for 2-3 months, but after that they'll become stressed out, they'll fight, crap more and more as they grow, they'll bathe in and eat their own poop, etc etc". They poop in their drinking water by habit, so you should use this to scare people. Tortoises although they are very hardy, they thrive in larger environments... not tiny little fishtanks.

    And what I'd use in your header is a picture of a HUGE tortoise room. I'm sure you can find tons of free photos on Google.

    In that picture you should have multiple tortoises. Like one tortoise in the water, one basking under a heat lamp, and I'd make it look like they live in a tortoise mansion. Make sure the pictures isn't a tank but an open room. The picture you have right now looks like a wild tortoise and doesn't really relate to your target market.

    Then I'd write a headline like, "The 8 Most Common Reasons Why Tortoises Die Young".

    #1 - They live in a poorly ventilated, 10 gallon FISH tank.

    #2 - Their drinking water becomes their toilet.

    #3 - The species of your tortoise has been misidentified and you're feeding it the wrong food (different species require different food).

    etc etc etc.

    Right now, your page offers nothing in terms of value or positioning. If you're going to be the tortoise whisperer... be one, don't act like one.

    -RS
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9048548].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author MrAbundance
      I agree with RedShifteds post.
      The site looks so spammy it scares me.
      You need to invest more time in your website design which will help increase your conversion rate.
      Maybe grab a professionally designed one page template.
      learn about improving your value proposition and call to action.

      MrA.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9048648].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author Grandoid
        FYI, I changed to a much much shorter version, testing Ken Caudill's advice. So the first few replies were talking about a different version to the subsequent ones. The original version was a long sales letter, a few thousand words, that did indeed tell you'll basically kill your pet if you don't buy my book, heh

        MrAbundance, any suggestions where I'd get such a template?
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9048904].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author RedShifted
          Originally Posted by Grandoid View Post

          FYI, I changed to a much much shorter version, testing Ken Caudill's advice. So the first few replies were talking about a different version to the subsequent ones. The original version was a long sales letter, a few thousand words, that did indeed tell you'll basically kill your pet if you don't buy my book, heh

          MrAbundance, any suggestions where I'd get such a template?
          Ken Caudill told you to use short copy?

          I'm puzzled. I don't know Ken but I promote a lot of products on Clickbank. And my 2 best converting products right now (22% & 17%) are both long copy pages. Those 2 pages are converting better than a celeb endorsed VSL.

          And I might be wrong, but the majority of typed sales letters (that I've seen) on CB are long copy. Or they use a long VSL. Sometimes you get a combination of both.

          But I'm yet to come across *1* sales page that is as short as yours. I'm not saying they don't exist. I'm just saying if you go through enough sales pages on CB, you'll notice most of them give you A LOT of information. And they are nothing like your short, stumpy sales page.

          I could understand short copy if you're just trying to grab an email. But if you're trying to sell a product.... you have to actually sell it. And I don't see how you're gonna sell anything using the method you are now.

          Your method right now is basically this:

          "hey, look at this 1 short paragraph and my 4 bullet points.... now please buy my shit".

          Thats way too rushed if you ask me. And if a real copywriter recommended that, I'd love to know why. Its like asking you to sell something without actually selling it. Which doesn't make any sense. If you ask me, it seems more like a copout so you don't have to design a real salespage.

          -RS
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9049105].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Grandoid
      Originally Posted by RedShifted View Post

      There are also tons of rebuttals that you're not addressing.
      Ok, so here's a general question: how do you know what the objections are with inline marketing? I know with face-to-face sales that it's best to pre-empt the common objections people give you, but when it's online, how do you know what makes people navigate away from a site without buying?
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9143606].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Grandoid
    Yep, that was my understanding too; long copy is generally better.
    The short copy thing is an experiment. More like an email-grabinator, as you say, but I am willing to try anything out.

    Hang on while I FTP the original...*elevator music plays*... *please hold*....
    HERE: Practical Tortoise Care | Get your copy now
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9049118].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author valentinv25
    Are any of you in sales??
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9049120].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author RedShifted
      Originally Posted by Grandoid View Post

      Yep, that was my understanding too; long copy is generally better.
      The short copy thing is an experiment. More like an email-grabinator, as you say, but I am willing to try anything out.

      Hang on while I FTP the original...*elevator music plays*... *please hold*....
      HERE: Practical Tortoise Care | Get your copy now
      Thats 1000xs better. Not perfect, but wayy better than your first post.


      Originally Posted by valentinv25 View Post

      Are any of you in sales??
      Yes.

      I have 4 older brothers, all 4 are in sales. My oldest brother started as a broker and is now the vice president of Smith Barney. Then my youngest, older brother is a contractor, and he's been doing sales training for the last 14 years. All 4 have done very well for themselves. And I'm slowly catching up.

      So yes, sales is in my blood.

      -RS
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9049297].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author Chriswrighto
        The problem is that this new 'short copy' letter isn't sales copy at all.

        It feels like a thank you page AFTER I have made the purchase.

        You're not selling it.

        Short copy still sells

        I would also be cautious of thanking my potential customers, it lowers your value in their eyes.

        Chris
        Signature

        Wealthcopywriter.com :)

        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9049372].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Ghoster
    1. Your header throws me off. The background image you're using is blurry. The graphics also look blurry. This doesn't instill much confidence in the product. I can also see artifacts in the book cover around the cartoon turtle's head.

    Why not commission some new graphics?

    2. "The moment I act, the complete Practical Tortoise Care system becomes available for my to download as a PDF file – and use forever."

    Spot the typo.

    3. "
    I only pay a low investment"

    This phrasing is awkward. You can't "pay" an investment. You can only "make" an investment.

    4. "
    I further understand that on top of these incredible benefits"

    What benefits? You've hardly described the product.

    Honest review:

    If I'm a tortose lover, there's no way I'm buying from you. You have no social proof on your page. You have no testimonials, and you don't even tell me how your book solves my problem. What are your credentials?

    The huge spaces between paragraphs are distracting.

    The overall copy seems manipulative. I know that's the point, but surely it pays to be a bit subtle?

    I don't write copy, so this is an outsider's perspective. Make of it what you will.


    Signature

    On the whole, you get what you pay for.

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9049462].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author maximus242
    The graphic design of the page makes me think its a low quality product.

    I find it hard to read, I see no compelling reason to respond. There are no benefits, no features, no reasons to buy at all.
    Signature

    xResponsive Advertising Agency | Direct Marketing | Online Advertising | Create Breakthrough Campaigns for Your Business http://xresponsive.com

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9049991].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author bluece
      Header of the web site looks so bad. I suggest you should replace it with a better one.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9051597].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author pewpewpewmonkeys
    Signature
    Some cause-oriented hackers recently hacked one of my websites. So I researched what they're about and then donated a large sum of money to the entity they hate the most.

    The next time they hack one of my websites I'm going to donate DOUBLE.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9056229].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Rdelgado00384
    this is why i love this forum people tell it like it is and that helps us improve
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9093264].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Grandoid
    Indeed, this forum gives good, actionable advice.

    I changed the font to a sans serif one. It does look more legible.
    I got a new header made on elance.
    I fixed the typos that were pointed out.

    It does seem to be converting a bit better now, about 1.2%, but I will need more data to be sure.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9093458].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author abdullahamilon1
    I have used Cialdini's six weapons quite a lot, tried to use attention-grabbing words, but it's still converting below 1%.
    Signature

    HUGE AMOUNT OF TRAFFIC

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9119655].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author van459
    The background gives me a headache alongside the small font.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9120716].message }}

Trending Topics