I Wonder If This Email Is Any Good

24 replies
It's a bit...lengthy. For students and recent grads. Trying to get them off their ass. Thanks in advance for reading.




GEAR UP

Well, here we go! Your sheltered period is ending and the game is commencing. It's time to prepare, time to get ready for the adventure that will be your life.

And it's time to consider the importance of this date, today, RIGHT NOW.

This very moment.

Whether you acknowledge it or not, the game has commenced, and you are on the clock. Surely we can agree on that.

Exactly one year from today, you'll look around you as you stand among your friends and peers, wherever you happen to be, a restaurant, a party, whatever. You'll think back to this date. You will think back to today.

THIS is the day that opportunity didn't just knock, it kicked down the door, shimmied into the room, did a sexy little pole-dance, and slinked (slank?) down the hall and into your bed.

What will you do? Something? Anything? NOTHING?


Now is the time to establish your presence and take charge from the jump.

Do you realize how much good you'll be able to do for the world when you make your first fortune by 25?

John Dillinger was once asked, "John, why do you rob banks?'

Dillinger replied: "Because that's where the money is".

So...where's the money NOW? You know where. Where two BILLION people are, sitting around with their credit cards in their hands.


(Yes, I know. Sutton. Still, it sounds cooler with Public Enemy #1.)

Make your vow NOW to win, to be ahead of your peers and your age group. You aren't going to graduate from Med School in the next year, so go where the money is.

Do THIS right, and you'll never need to worry about any more classes. Except maybe 'Advanced Leisure Travel' or 'Intro to Receiving Massage'.

You'll be reading 'Idiot's Guide to Jet-Setting'. Or it might be called 'The Adventures Of Me'. Written by you.

Anyway, let's get to it. The TO DO List.

Job 1) Learn how to market. NOTHING you will ever do in your life will matter as much as how seriously you take that statement.

Learn How To Market.

In the past, 'marketing' has been done in print, or radio, or television.

Now, marketing is done by you and me, just in the course of our daily lives. Don't know what McLuhan would make of any of it, but it happened pretty fast, didn't it? One day, not long ago, there was network news and it mattered. Then, in a blink...it didn't matter anymore, to anyone.

Now, each of us has the capability to make near studio-level films in our jammies and our spare time.

Marketing is done by us now. It's done by YOU. By YOUR generation.

So I'd wager that you can probably make a little video lickety-split. That's a start. Your learning curve will be short and sweet.

"But, wait", you're mewling..."selling stuff on the internet is... a) scary
b) stupid c) demeaning d) it burns, it burns..."

Think about this, right now.

Take it in.

EVERY SINGLE THING we do in life comes down to marketing--

Wanna get a better grade? How you approach your instructor is marketing in its purest form. You're selling your idea to him, while he's trying to sell his to you. HIS idea, that he won't change your grade, blows. If you know how to frame and present your message, this is no contest, a mismatch.


But...that's kinda trivial, huh? Now, think about that girl. The one that you have pined for for years, but who you've always known is out of your reach. Close your eyes, just for a minute, really get her fixed in your mind. Let's call her Montana. No, wait! Brie. No...let's just call her Jessica. But not Jessie.


So...it's prom time. Now, your task is to get Jessica to accept your premise: that she should ride to the prom on the back of YOUR horse.

Okay. Got a plan?

If you knew how to market, you'd put this thing to bed--pardon the expression--in an instant.

You'd get someone to draw a caricature of her and pin it, you'd get 'Brad Pitt' to leave her a phone message strongly recommending that she consider you for the role of prom date, you'd make a post referencing one of her pet projects or charities and you'd make it go viral.

You'd make a surveillance video of her daily routine, where she went, who she saw, what she...oh, wait. Maybe not that last thing.

You'd MARKET. And Jessica would succumb to your methodology...I mean...'charms'...and would be rendered defenseless.

And so it goes with every interaction of every day. You have an objective and you market in support of it, whether you know you're doing it or not.

It's probably obvious how much this skill can help you with landing your next job, but let's take it a step further. How big does 'Social Media Expert' or 'Web Traffic Consultant' look on a resume in THIS day and age?

Think it might give you an edge vs. the competition?


JOB 1) LEARN TO MARKET

JOB 2) Establish a residual secondary income, one that works as a testing ground for your marketing education.

Well, there it is. MONEY. See, even if you'd done all of the suggested support work for the prom-date project, a guy driving up in a Porsche might win, anyway. Do you agree?



WOMEN LIKE MONEY.

And who can blame them? Hell, everyone likes money. When you have money, people are forced to pay attention, or you can have them removed. When you have money, even the air tastes different, and not just because of that tank you're carrying around. When you have money, you have the freedom to ask Jessica-not-Jessie if she wants to bounce to New York City for a late supper after the dance.

Question: Would THAT make an impression on Jessica? How about the rest of the crowd?
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Okay, take another look around, right now. In your head. You know what I mean. Your peers, your age group.

A lot of these kids come from relative affluence, they've had every break along the way. But, thing is, they aren't SMARTER than you. In fact, quite the opposite. Some of these little bastards are dumb as a bag of hammers. A full bag.

So how will it feel when you pull up to the nightclub and throw the valet the keys to your new Lexus? Close your eyes, think of driving into the valet alley next to the curb. What does it smell like in that car? Besides leather and testosterone and fear? Nice cars feel and smell different than other cars.

What would be the looks on the faces of your friends? How about your non-friends? How would THEY look at you? What about that rat-bastard that bullied you for all those years? What about that rat-bastard YOU bullied for all those years? What's going on with those guys?

What kinda look would their mugs be painted with?

CTA

This isn't about appearances, this is only about you. You don't drive a car because you want people to look at it, that would be shallow and weak.

But an inescapable side product of you driving that car, or wearing that Rolex, or ordering that Champagne, is that you will be noticed.

And there is real power in being able to capture attention, for any reason.

So, how will all this feel for you? I'll give you a hint: not like you think. By that time, you'll be laser-focused on building campaigns, on testing offers, on making money, on playing the game. You'll be checking your back-office for deposits, at least twice on prom night. You will be fully engaged.

Do you really have any concept of how much good you could do out in the world by making your first fortune by the age of 25?

What is the only way to do that?

Yep, marketing, On the internet.

"B-B-But, wait!" shriek your sissy buddies, "I don't belieeeve in Internet Marketing...*sniffle*

Next time, just ask them what kind of marketing they DO believe in. Then throw 'em down a flight of stairs. Nah, just kidding. Sort of.


CTA
#copywriting #email #email sequence #good #sales funnel #web copy
  • Profile picture of the author chrisv24
    Its quite long. I'd suggest doing a split test with this one and a shorter one to see how the responses differ
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  • Profile picture of the author Charger14
    Thanks, that makes sense. I guess it's about three emails long. Maybe it's something else...:-)
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  • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
    What list would you be sending this to? Where does this list originate?

    Recent college grads, right?

    First thing, way too long. BORING. And I forced myself to read through it, all of it, I'm sorry to say, you MUST start all over.

    You have made all kinds of assumptions about your target based on your own beliefs and opinions, this email is about what YOU think, and does not QUICKLY and succinctly address the top-of-the-mind concerns of the target.

    It sounds like a Don Lapre or his buddy, Kevin Trudeau pitch. Wiil you have pics of Jessica in a bikini on a boat?

    Now, the only way YOU'LL know is to test it out.

    WAAAAAAAAYYYY TO LONG.
    Not targeted to the market. No good reason to read it, even after reading it, no good reason to click on anything.

    gjabiz

    PS Feel free to prove me wrong, OK?
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    • Profile picture of the author NickN
      Being not too far removed from college myself, I thought of one word while reading your email: cheesy.

      Sorry, just being honest.

      Take this sentence for example:

      "Well, here we go! Your sheltered period is ending and the game is commencing. It's time to prepare, time to get ready for the adventure that will be your life."

      This sounds like a Dean giving a pep talk at a graduation ceremony. And I can tell you from firsthand experience, 90% of the kids aren't listening. It's boring, trite, and something college students have been hearing for years.

      You have to grab their attention. Speak from a position of authority, sure, but also in a way they can relate to. Right now, you're not hitting any emotions with this copy. I can see you're trying to target this market with some of the language you use, but it feels forced to me.
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      • Profile picture of the author Charger14
        Originally Posted by NickN View Post

        Being not too far removed from college myself, I thought of one word while reading your email: cheesy.

        Sorry, just being honest.

        Take this sentence for example:

        "Well, here we go! Your sheltered period is ending and the game is commencing. It's time to prepare, time to get ready for the adventure that will be your life."

        This sounds like a Dean giving a pep talk at a graduation ceremony. And I can tell you from firsthand experience, 90% of the kids aren't listening. It's boring, trite, and something college students have been hearing for years.

        You have to grab their attention. Speak from a position of authority, sure, but also in a way they can relate to. Right now, you're not hitting any emotions with this copy. I can see you're trying to target this market with some of the language you use, but it feels forced to me.


        Got it. No good.

        Thanks, y'all!

        I've collected a wide range of opinions from various sources.


        On another note, I realized after posting this that asking for a free review after contributing so little to the forum is kind of a dick move. I apologize. I've posted a bit more in another username, but still not enough for an ask of this size.




        /
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    • Profile picture of the author Charger14
      Originally Posted by gjabiz View Post

      What list would you be sending this to? Where does this list originate?

      Recent college grads, right?

      First thing, way too long. BORING. And I forced myself to read through it, all of it, I'm sorry to say, you MUST start all over.

      You have made all kinds of assumptions about your target based on your own beliefs and opinions, this email is about what YOU think, and does not QUICKLY and succinctly address the top-of-the-mind concerns of the target.

      It sounds like a Don Lapre or his buddy, Kevin Trudeau pitch. Wiil you have pics of Jessica in a bikini on a boat?

      Now, the only way YOU'LL know is to test it out.

      WAAAAAAAAYYYY TO LONG.
      Not targeted to the market. No good reason to read it, even after reading it, no good reason to click on anything.

      gjabiz

      PS Feel free to prove me wrong, OK?


      Dude! Don't ever force yourself to read anything!

      Thanks for the feedback.


      .
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  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    It's not just too long... it jumps around too much... isn't very
    emotional or compelling.

    But, you seem like you've got a good head on your shoulders
    and are a cool dude... because you thanked folks and even
    called yourself out.

    so, I'm sure you'll actually work to improve and get better...

    By the way, take a look at this email that Ben Settle wrote...

    You Can’t Save A Damsel If She Loves Her Distress

    Compare yours with his... and you'll see the difference between what makes
    a good email and what doesn't.

    Spend an hour on Ben's site, better yet, grab his players newsletter IF
    you have a decent sized list and happen to sell with email.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9070401].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author AleksanderSuave
      just reading this ""Well, here we go! Your sheltered period is ending and the game is commencing. It's time to prepare, time to get ready for the adventure that will be your life." sounds like you're selling me a timeshare.

      you lost me. big red x, goodbye.

      I'm your target demographic (one month shy of exactly 1 year since I graduated with my bachelors degree)

      your hook in this case needs to be the most inviting part of your writing. you want the 'millenial' generation. which has its known attributes, one of them being highly connected while also being critically skeptical of people trying to sell them things.

      Your hook needs to REALLY grab the bull by the horns. when you write, remember AIDA over anything else.

      the very next section of your copy

      "it's time to consider the importance of this date, today, RIGHT NOW.

      This very moment.

      Whether you acknowledge it or not, the game has commenced, and you are on the clock. Surely we can agree on that. "

      is a MUCH stronger hook. still a little wordy though.



      btw, dont send it out on april 1st, that would kill the entire effect, lol.

      I dont remember where I read this, but get rid of the exclamation points, its like laughing at your own jokes. entirely pointless. excitement should be SEEN in your copy, it should be MENTALLY STIMULATING. No matter how many exclamation points you put, if its not exciting, that wont change the fact.

      here's how I'd start it.
      """"""""""""""
      You have less than 3900 weeks to live on earth..if you're lucky. You have just spent 208 of them on one of the most critically important commitments of your life.

      Higher Education, college, the great frontier. You've spent the majority of your younger years preparing for it, and now that its finally over, now what?

      Some of us have expected that this date would open a door, unveil a secret, or gift us with the answers that remained hidden for the first 20+ years of our life.

      What's next? A house, a new car? a 401k? who knows? I mean, we all have an idea, but who's got the instructional manual for writing the next chapter in MY novel?""""""""""""""


      anyway, thats my advice, Im not a copywriting GURU by any means, so take this with a grain of salt, but I love to write, and Ive lurked on the forum probably a good year before I ever registered to post.
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      • Profile picture of the author Charger14
        Originally Posted by AleksanderSuave View Post

        just reading this ""Well, here we go! Your sheltered period is ending and the game is commencing. It's time to prepare, time to get ready for the adventure that will be your life." sounds like you're selling me a timeshare.

        you lost me. big red x, goodbye.

        I'm your target demographic (one month shy of exactly 1 year since I graduated with my bachelors degree)

        your hook in this case needs to be the most inviting part of your writing. you want the 'millenial' generation. which has its known attributes, one of them being highly connected while also being critically skeptical of people trying to sell them things.

        Your hook needs to REALLY grab the bull by the horns. when you write, remember AIDA over anything else.

        the very next section of your copy

        "it's time to consider the importance of this date, today, RIGHT NOW.

        This very moment.

        Whether you acknowledge it or not, the game has commenced, and you are on the clock. Surely we can agree on that. "

        is a MUCH stronger hook. still a little wordy though.



        btw, dont send it out on april 1st, that would kill the entire effect, lol.

        I dont remember where I read this, but get rid of the exclamation points, its like laughing at your own jokes. entirely pointless. excitement should be SEEN in your copy, it should be MENTALLY STIMULATING. No matter how many exclamation points you put, if its not exciting, that wont change the fact.

        here's how I'd start it.
        """"""""""""""
        You have less than 3900 weeks to live on earth..if you're lucky. You have just spent 208 of them on one of the most critically important commitments of your life.

        Higher Education, college, the great frontier. You've spent the majority of your younger years preparing for it, and now that its finally over, now what?

        Some of us have expected that this date would open a door, unveil a secret, or gift us with the answers that remained hidden for the first 20+ years of our life.

        What's next? A house, a new car? a 401k? who knows? I mean, we all have an idea, but who's got the instructional manual for writing the next chapter in MY novel?""""""""""""""


        anyway, thats my advice, Im not a copywriting GURU by any means, so take this with a grain of salt, but I love to write, and Ive lurked on the forum probably a good year before I ever registered to post.


        GREAT feedback--thanks!

        April 1st, good point (insert smiley)

        3900 weeks--fantastic.

        This ended up as a post on a couple of college message boards, after a bit of editing, with OK response. I've written quite a few more conventional email sequences and was looking for some feedback on this lengthy blather. It COULD work as three or four emails, I think, sort of, if turned into more of a story-arc and with a list that already appreciated dry humor.

        As it was, almost no one here got the humor, or thought it was funny. One or both of those. The entire thing is tongue-in-cheek, but that's useless if that tone isn't established and communicated from the get-go. Then you just come across as half a loon, as I can infer from some of the responses here.

        The thought was that with so many emails so similar to each other, I believe that even if you can get the open, you can still lose them right away anyway.

        I'm experimenting with developing a humorous email 'persona', and then writing to divide a little bit. Throw down some political content or something else to get 'em charged up. Hate me. Love me. Choose one.

        Thanks again.

        This is quite a generous community.
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    • Profile picture of the author Charger14
      Originally Posted by shawnlebrun View Post

      It's not just too long... it jumps around too much... isn't very
      emotional or compelling.

      But, you seem like you've got a good head on your shoulders
      and are a cool dude... because you thanked folks and even
      called yourself out.

      so, I'm sure you'll actually work to improve and get better...

      By the way, take a look at this email that Ben Settle wrote...

      You Can't Save A Damsel If She Loves Her Distress

      Compare yours with his... and you'll see the difference between what makes
      a good email and what doesn't.

      Spend an hour on Ben's site, better yet, grab his players newsletter IF
      you have a decent sized list and happen to sell with email.

      Thanks, Shawn. Will do.


      .
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    • Profile picture of the author Charger14
      Originally Posted by shawnlebrun View Post

      It's not just too long... it jumps around too much... isn't very
      emotional or compelling.

      But, you seem like you've got a good head on your shoulders
      and are a cool dude... because you thanked folks and even
      called yourself out.

      so, I'm sure you'll actually work to improve and get better...

      By the way, take a look at this email that Ben Settle wrote...

      You Can’t Save A Damsel If She Loves Her Distress

      Compare yours with his... and you'll see the difference between what makes
      a good email and what doesn't.

      Spend an hour on Ben's site, better yet, grab his players newsletter IF
      you have a decent sized list and happen to sell with email.
      Yep, I see what you mean. Settle is bad-ass. Thanks for directing me to him.

      .
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  • Personally i don't think this is far off an effective mail.

    I would cut the bit down to Dillinger and just come up with a real pain point intro in two paras max. Cut the cheap sex jokes, too, you're coming across just a bit like an uncool dad trying to be cool with the lads.

    Is this letter aimed at people with an interest in marketing or is it general? If it's aimed at people with even the slightest interest then what you have here, or could have, is a homage to the Wall St Journal letter. It's been done before, but this is different enough that those in the know will appreciate the irony and those that aren't will be none the wiser and will still like the story aspect.

    You could keep it in the present or go past tense with a tale of two schoolfriends who reunited after a year. One would have college debt, the other a Porsche.

    It could work that way. Just two cents...
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    • Profile picture of the author Charger14
      Originally Posted by CovertCopywriting View Post

      Personally i don't think this is far off an effective mail.

      I would cut the bit down to Dillinger and just come up with a real pain point intro in two paras max. Cut the cheap sex jokes, too, you're coming across just a bit like an uncool dad trying to be cool with the lads.

      Is this letter aimed at people with an interest in marketing or is it general? If it's aimed at people with even the slightest interest then what you have here, or could have, is a homage to the Wall St Journal letter. It's been done before, but this is different enough that those in the know will appreciate the irony and those that aren't will be none the wiser and will still like the story aspect.

      You could keep it in the present or go past tense with a tale of two schoolfriends who reunited after a year. One would have college debt, the other a Porsche.

      It could work that way. Just two cents...

      Great feedback, thanks.

      A couple of posts back describes the eventual fate of all that gibberish.

      I love the idea of a couple of friends, I really think 'story arc' is the way to go, at least if one enjoys writing that way.

      Thanks again CC.
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  • Profile picture of the author misterme
    It rambles. I don't know what you're talking about from the onset. So I bailed after you incorrectly attributed Willie Sutton's famous quote about robbing banks to Dillinger.
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    • Profile picture of the author Charger14
      Originally Posted by misterme View Post

      It rambles. I don't know what you're talking about from the onset. So I bailed after you incorrectly attributed Willie Sutton's famous quote about robbing banks to Dillinger.
      Yeah, you bailed before I mentioned that very thing, I guess.
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  • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
    Why don't you just send it and find out?

    --- Ross
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    • Profile picture of the author Charger14
      Originally Posted by Ross Bowring View Post

      Why don't you just send it and find out?

      --- Ross
      I did put it out there, Ross. Got decent , not great, response using it as a post on a couple of college boards. Big ask to read all those words. Even had it stuck on a bulletin board on campus in print and got a little play.

      My 22 year-old UA-attendee daughter reviewed it, but she already gets my sense of humor, so was in that mode out of the box.

      Thanks!
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  • Profile picture of the author James Clouser
    You're doing a lot of throat clearing in the beginning. It doesn't grab attention or compel interest in what you have to say.

    Your story about the bank robber would make a much better lede. A lot of college students are faced with the inevitable question, "How am I going to make money now?" Enter that conversation.
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    • Profile picture of the author Charger14
      Originally Posted by James Clouser View Post

      You're doing a lot of throat clearing in the beginning. It doesn't grab attention or compel interest in what you have to say.

      Your story about the bank robber would make a much better lede. A lot of college students are faced with the inevitable question, "How am I going to make money now?" Enter that conversation.
      Thanks, James

      Yeah, there's a LOT of throat-clearing throughout.
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  • Profile picture of the author Lance K
    What was the subject line you used? Anyway, I tried to read it as if I was a recent graduate. The first few sentences didn't draw me in so I quit reading.

    That said, you obviously have some idea of how to match your message to your market. Look at your title to this thread.
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    • Profile picture of the author Charger14
      Originally Posted by Lance K View Post

      What was the subject line you used? Anyway, I tried to read it as if I was a recent graduate. The first few sentences didn't draw me in so I quit reading.

      That said, you obviously have some idea of how to match your message to your market. Look at your title to this thread.
      Hey Lance,

      Thanks so much for the input. Yep, got to get out of the gate. If you don't grab 'em by the throat, they will escape and then you'll need one of those humane traps.

      I ended up purposing this as an on-campus ad after shortening and editing it a bit. My daughter actually printed it for a bulletin board and I got a couple of responses that way. Thing is, I LOVE this demographic--I can't think of anyone who can put an ACTUAL marketing education to more use, or anyone who needs it more. And if they can get some momentum right out of school, these are the future philanthropists who can realistically make the world a better place. Got to get 'em before the five years of weed-smokin' and 'assessing the future' kicks in. Er...not that there's anything wrong with that...

      The entire thing is meant to be funny while getting a point across, which has been my style forever, but if no one recognizes the tone, what good is it? I relied on my daughter, but she's had 22 years to get used to it. I despise using smileys and acronyms to try to direct the reader, but my humor is arid enough that it can be missed and just come across as idiotic. I'm trying to think of the marketer who has an email persona based solely on blue-humor and hard-talk. The Daves are sort of that way too, I guess. 'Don't be a pussy' or something like that.

      I do a lot of print marketing and 'net marketing and I think I'm pretty good at headlines, but email marketing is REALLY subject-line dependent. I would assess it at about 80% importance versus content, but what do I know? After reading this forum, probably someone (or everyone) has it worked it out to the hundredth decimal. Serious talent here.

      For an email similar to this one, I would probably use something like 'What You Don't Know CAN Hurt You' or somesuch.

      I usually hold the more...aggressive...ones until no one opens anything forever.

      Walking the line between threatening and creepy, drifting into each area:

      'Don't Make Me Come Over There'
      'You're Pushing It'
      'No, Not That One, It Makes You Look Fat. The Blue One.'
      and, of course, 'We Have Your Mom'

      Thanks again.
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  • Profile picture of the author clever7
    This message is confusing, and there are too many unnecessary words.

    You should rewrite everything in a simple way, and try to inspire confidence. You seem to be begging for attention.

    I made a research about email marketing last year, and here are the best tips:

    1. Write with enthusiasm to cause excitement.

    2. People like to be entertained.

    3. Write catchy titles.

    4. Tell a story.

    5. Create expectation.

    6. Write your messages as if you were talking to a friend. Talk about your family and your life.

    7. Promote your offers in every message along with content if you want to sell every time, without waiting to promote a product after sending a few messages.


    You may disagree with a few tips, but the Warriors who helped me create this list were real experts.




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    • Profile picture of the author Charger14
      Originally Posted by clever7 View Post

      This message is confusing, and there are too many unnecessary words.

      You should rewrite everything in a simple way, and try to inspire confidence. You seem to be begging for attention.

      I made a research about email marketing last year, and here are the best tips:

      1. Write with enthusiasm to cause excitement.

      2. People like to be entertained.

      3. Write catchy titles.

      4. Tell a story.

      5. Create expectation.

      6. Write your messages as if you were talking to a friend. Talk about your family and your life.

      7. Promote your offers in every message along with content if you want to sell every time, without waiting to promote a product after sending a few messages.


      You may disagree with a few tips, but the Warriors who helped me create this list were real experts.





      Thanks, clever

      This ended up, slimmed but more or less intact, as a post on a couple of college forums/boards and printed and tacked to one on-campus bulletin board, with mixed results. Those who did respond enjoyed the humor, those who didn't probably didn't.

      I'm qualified to provide somewhat learned opinions on certain writing disciplines, but certainly not email efficacy. I have built several email sequences (for money!)in the past, but I would classify those as same old, same old. Not bad, just...uninspiring.

      The tips seem spot-on and, as for your last statement, I am basically blown away by Warrior expertise and methodology and would not presume to disagree with anything, ever.

      Thanks again!
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