Actually ready for a critique now.

9 replies
The product is a self development book marketed to entrepreneurs, sales people, and the self development market.

http://screwaverage.com

Just the main landing page. The other pages are not completely built yet.
#copywriting #critique #marketing #ready #sales #sales copy
  • Profile picture of the author Sean Fry
    ZZZzzzzzzz.....

    Why should anyone listen to you?
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    This is WAY below average.

    I'm gonna be THE GUY to say it:

    Hire someone.

    Mark
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    • Profile picture of the author screwaverage
      Originally Posted by Mark Pescetti View Post

      This is WAY below average.

      I'm gonna be THE GUY to say it:

      Hire someone.

      Mark
      Care to elaborate?
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      • Originally Posted by screwaverage View Post

        Care to elaborate?
        I think Mark is saying that it's harder to identify what this copy does right than what it does wrong.

        The problems are fairly obvious:

        - It's too vague. You're just promising success without hinting at what's going to make it possible. Read Perry Belcher's stuff on "budas." If you're promising results you need to anchor your claim to something that's going to make the results possible. You shouldn't be afraid to give away SOME of the secret.

        - There's no hook. What makes this different from the million and one other "success" products out there? I can't see anything.

        - The headline is just the title of the book. It doesn't convey any enticing benefits or even arouse curiosity, it literally just says "hey guys I wrote a book about success."

        - The paragraphs are too bulky. Paragraphs that are long and full of commas "stop" the reader and interrupt the flow of the copy. They're also intimidating and discourage the reader from even getting started.

        - It's "lifeless." It doesn't feel like it was written by someone invested in the project, it feels like it was put together by some article writer working for $10 an hour. It's stiff and lacking in "personality."

        Everything about the copy is just amateurish and generic. Whoever wrote this would need YEARS of intense training in copywriting in order to be able to craft something compelling. You're better off just hiring someone who already knows how to write copy.
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        • Profile picture of the author screwaverage
          Originally Posted by The Copy Warriors View Post

          I think Mark is saying that it's harder to identify what this copy does right than what it does wrong.

          The problems are fairly obvious:

          - It's too vague. You're just promising success without hinting at what's going to make it possible. Read Perry Belcher's stuff on "budas." If you're promising results you need to anchor your claim to something that's going to make the results possible. You shouldn't be afraid to give away SOME of the secret.

          - There's no hook. What makes this different from the million and one other "success" products out there? I can't see anything.

          - The headline is just the title of the book. It doesn't convey any enticing benefits or even arouse curiosity, it literally just says "hey guys I wrote a book about success."

          - The paragraphs are too bulky. Paragraphs that are long and full of commas "stop" the reader and interrupt the flow of the copy. They're also intimidating and discourage the reader from even getting started.

          - It's "lifeless." It doesn't feel like it was written by someone invested in the project, it feels like it was put together by some article writer working for $10 an hour. It's stiff and lacking in "personality."

          Everything about the copy is just amateurish and generic. Whoever wrote this would need YEARS of intense training in copywriting in order to be able to craft something compelling. You're better off just hiring someone who already knows how to write copy.
          Extremely useful notes, and I appreciate the feedback. I am not opposed to hiring a professional copywriter, and will probably end up doing that. I will take your advice into account and do another couple drafts - I would like to come up with something effective on my own. If I can't really get anywhere with it or achieve the right effect, I will find a professional. Trying to learn as much as I can in the mean time, as I do have interest in learning the craft.
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          • Profile picture of the author Chriswrighto
            Originally Posted by screwaverage View Post

            Extremely useful notes, and I appreciate the feedback. I am not opposed to hiring a professional copywriter, and will probably end up doing that. I will take your advice into account and do another couple drafts - I would like to come up with something effective on my own. If I can't really get anywhere with it or achieve the right effect, I will find a professional. Trying to learn as much as I can in the mean time, as I do have interest in learning the craft.
            I think now is the best time to think whether it's more cost effective to hire a copywriter, or continue to do it on your own.

            What else could you be doing with your time to actually make money?

            Are you reading any books on writing copy?

            If not... start with Dan Kennedy "The Ultimate Sales Letter."

            In regards to the copy, I'm going to mirror what The Copy Warriors has said.

            It's lifeless...
            Signature

            Wealthcopywriter.com :)

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  • Profile picture of the author rawandrew
    I have visited the website and I must tell you have beautiful graphics but unfortunately they decrease legibility. I could hardly decipher the tagline underneath the "Screw Average." It made me want to bolt out of the website immediately. But at least it looks great.

    Also you have nothing to capture my attention. An attention grabbing headline followed up with something that makes me want to read more. It is quite boring from the start and it gets even more boring as the copy expands.

    Put more personality into the copy, let people know you in a way that resonates with your target market. Grab them by the eyeballs to get them to reach for their wallets.

    And if you can put a woman or a man and a woman in the picture, not a man. Nobody likes to look at men ... not even women. A man with a woman much more appealing.
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
      Originally Posted by rawandrew View Post

      I have visited the website and I must tell you have beautiful graphics but unfortunately they decrease legibility. I could hardly decipher the tagline underneath the "Screw Average." It made me want to bolt out of the website immediately. But at least it looks great.

      Also you have nothing to capture my attention. An attention grabbing headline followed up with something that makes me want to read more. It is quite boring from the start and it gets even more boring as the copy expands.

      Put more personality into the copy, let people know you in a way that resonates with your target market. Grab them by the eyeballs to get them to reach for their wallets.

      And if you can put a woman or a man and a woman in the picture, not a man. Nobody likes to look at men ... not even women. A man with a woman much more appealing.
      I could hardly decipher your feedback.
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  • Profile picture of the author jjosephs
    Grim grim grim.. The cover of your eBook is a guy about to dive off a bridge. Are you selling hope or crisis negotiation?
    Signature
    Marketing for ACTION & REACTION.
    Roll Out "The Cannon"
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