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Destroy My Copy! Please critique my copy assignments as I learn.

by NateJasper
25 replies
I'm just starting to learn to write copy. I'm not trying to be a professional copywriter. I just want to be able to write copy for my own products since I can't afford a professional at the moment.

Instead of making a crap-load of threads I thought I would just post all the assignments here. I will be very appreciative and give many thanks to all of you copy ninjas for any and all criticism and help you can give me.

The first assignment that I created myself is writing the first ad for a rubber basketball. In my fictional world all basketballs have been made of leather until this point. I'm introducing a rubber ball to the market. Here it is.

Introducing New All-Surface Ultra-Long-Life Basketball With Power Bounce Technology

Here is a basketball with an outer covering that will last longer, bounce higher, and cost less than its leather alternative.

Industrial Strength

It's made out of polyvinyl chloride rubber which is used in industrial construction due to its extraordinary resistance to wear and tear, water, dirt, chemicals, and weathering. Now you can play ball on any surface without worrying about rough surfaces chewing up your ball. Whether you play indoors or outdoors, your ball will last for many years before you notice any wear.

The waterproof rubber cover will repel water and dirt like a rain coat. No longer will a little rain waterlog your ball and deteriorate its surface. Play in the rain with no worries.

Superior Control

Experience fine ball control and crisp bounce passes with Spaulding's Power Bounce Technology. The elasticity of the polyvinyl chloride rubber means that your ball will bounce higher and faster. This will supercharge your ball handling skills and accelerate your game so that you'll blow right past your competition.

The deep channels and pebbled outer covering gives unparalleled grip and control. No longer will the ball slip out of your hands as you go in for a furious slam-dunk. Coupled with the Power Bounce Technology, you'll experience professional-level ball control.

Ultra light

Your effective shooting and passing range will be significantly increased by the light weight of your ball. Rubber balls weigh 18% less than leather balls.

Ridiculous Affordability

Because PVC rubber is mass produced we can offer this ball to you for 1/6th the cost of a leather ball. That's six balls for the price of one. Now you can practice your free throws six times longer before having to pick up your balls. Or you can take your savings and have a dinner at a fine restaurant with your significant other or a friend.

Already Broken In

Take your Spaulding rubber basketball right out of the box and play a game. No longer will you have to spend weeks breaking in a new ball. It comes game ready.

Visit our website NOW and enter the code REVOLUTION to receive 5% off your purchase and experience the next revolution in basketball design.
#assignments #copy #critique #destroy #learn
  • Profile picture of the author Chriswrighto
    If recreational basketball users are your target market then all they really care about is:

    Now you can play ball on any surface without worrying about rough surfaces chewing up your ball
    And...

    Your effective shooting and passing range will be significantly increased by the light weight of your ball
    And...

    Because PVC rubber is mass produced we can offer this ball to you for 1/6th the cost of a leather ball.
    And...

    Experience fine ball control and crisp bounce passes.
    The rest of it is just fluff.

    Who cares about "polyvinyl chloride rubber"? To be frank, the padding turns me off... it doesn't add to the persuasiveness of the letter.

    Now, I'm not your target market but do people who play basketball really think about the "deep channels and pebbled outer covering"?

    There just seems to be a lot of stuff that a recreational basketball player doesn't care about. Pick the most important point from above, and build on it.

    My thoughts
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    • Profile picture of the author NickN
      Chriswrighto is right-o.

      As a recreational B-ball player, I don't care about the material it's made of, necessarily. I just want the grip on the ball to last longer and be more durable on outdoor surfaces. Stating specifically how much longer (3x longer, 5 years longer, whatever) it will last than a leather ball would also be good.

      Also, a ball that bounces higher isn't necessarily a good thing. I kind of get what you're trying to say, but all I can think of is an over-inflated ball that practically bounces to the ceiling every time you dribble it. I hate that.

      I think a good hook might be this:

      "The waterproof rubber cover will repel water and dirt like a rain coat. No longer will a little rain waterlog your ball and deteriorate its surface. Play in the rain with no worries."

      As someone who usually plays B-ball outside, a waterproof and dirt-proof basketball has my attention. There are some other good benefits in your copy too, which Chris has highlighted.
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    • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
      Originally Posted by Chriswrighto View Post

      Who cares about "polyvinyl chloride rubber"? To be frank, the padding turns me off... it doesn't add to the persuasiveness of the letter.

      Now, I'm not your target market but do people who play basketball really think about the "deep channels and pebbled outer covering"?

      There just seems to be a lot of stuff that a recreational basketball player doesn't care about. Pick the most important point from above, and build on it.

      My thoughts
      Spot on.

      You're making the classic mistake of selling features instead of selling the experience. Picture your prospect on the Bastketball court, using the product. Describe in very clear and specific detail exactly what the experience will be like.

      They should be able to clearly see the picture of themselves using the product in their mind. That's their FIRST EXPERIENCE with using it. If they like how that experience makes them feel, they'll buy.

      That's the cliff note version. For details, check out the discussion on this thread...

      http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ml#post9173362
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    • Profile picture of the author NateJasper
      Originally Posted by Chriswrighto View Post

      The rest of it is just fluff.
      If I take a hacksaw to the fluff do I need to replace it with something substantial or do you think I have enough already there to make the sale? I can't think of anymore benefits at the moment.
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      • Profile picture of the author Chriswrighto
        Originally Posted by NateJasper View Post

        If I take a hacksaw to the fluff do I need to replace it with something substantial or do you think I have enough already there to make the sale? I can't think of anymore benefits at the moment.

        Absolutely, I know why I should care about my shooting and passing range... but tell me why.

        Trigger the emotions which make me feel like a better player, just by using your ball.
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  • Profile picture of the author NateJasper
    Ok, I'll work on it and post an update tomorrow. Thanks everyone for the input. Any more input will be greatly appreciated. I'm spending the first two hours of my day writing copy so I'll keep looking for updates in this thread today and I will get to work revising it tomorrow.
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  • Profile picture of the author joe golfer
    Tell me your story, your journey. What made you think to create this product? Why were you frustrated about the current basketballs? What was the Eureka moment?

    You can learn more about this by reading up on "The Hero's Journey." You can also get a free report on how to do at Kevin Roger's (no connection, no affiliate) 60 Second Sales Hook site. The home page is a squeeze page but the report is free.

    There is some more insight here:

    Seven Story Secrets by Vin Montello
    http://www.montellomarketing.com/sec...crets-2008.pdf
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    - Jack Trout
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  • Profile picture of the author NateJasper
    I thought people don't care about me?

    Also, what do you guys think of the headline? I'm thinking it needs to be changed given Chris' input.
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    • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
      Originally Posted by NateJasper View Post

      I thought people don't care about me?
      That's a common myth new marketers sling around. Customers DO care about the person making the offer. It's simply a matter of context. If you're trying to sell them something, they DO want to know that you:

      1) Understand them
      2) Understand their problem
      3) Stand by your promises

      Joe's suggestion for the Hero's Journey story is something you should do whether you include it in this sales copy or not....ESPECIALLY if you're selling to Millennials.

      If you demonstrate that you had similar values, similar dreams and aspirations and, most important, that you've conquered the obstacles they're trying to conquer, you stop being an unknown person cackling madly behind an evil, impersonal mechanical octupus of an online marketing machine.

      You become one of them. Better yet, because you've shown them the way to overcome their obstacles, you become a hero. If you demonstrate, on top of this, that you stand for a similar cause, the younger generation will become loyal to YOU, not just your products and services.

      BTW: Yes, the headline needs to be replaced.
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    • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
      Originally Posted by NateJasper View Post

      I thought people don't care about me?
      To a point. It shouldn't be ABOUT you.

      But it SHOULD include information about you and why you're a credible authority they should hand their money to.

      This breaks it down nicely:

      Why me?
      Why you?
      Why this?
      Why now?

      (I didn't write that formula - just adore its simplicity).
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      • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
        Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

        Why me?
        Why you?
        Why this?
        Why now?
        I lyke it.
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      • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
        Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

        To a point. It shouldn't be ABOUT you.

        But it SHOULD include information about you and why you're a credible authority they should hand their money to.

        This breaks it down nicely:

        Why me?
        Why you?
        Why this?
        Why now?

        (I didn't write that formula - just adore its simplicity).
        I think this is one area that a lot of new writers get confused on.

        They often hear "the copy should talk about the prospect but not you" or "the copy should have more "you" in it then "I" (in regards to talking TOO your prospect)

        But, like Angie said... you often have to start with your story, just as a reference point. It frames the entire sales pitch.

        Here's how I figured this stuff out... and now, here's why it will help you.

        So, you're not really going on and on about you specifically... you're just showing the prospect how you solved your problem... and then, you want to create a straight line from that... to how it will help you prospect.

        Talking about yourself should only act as a starting point... so you can explain how this product or service came to be.

        It's creating a storyline that will help the prospect relate and identify with you... they're thinking "Oh, okay... this person had the same problem and
        tried and failed but figured it out and got results"

        Once you set up how you came to solve your problem... then you immediately want to turn the spotlight on the prospect and then it becomes all about them.

        But many times, in order to get to the prospect, you gotta mention yourself so you can show them how this product or service came to be. It simply gives you a starting point for the sales pitch.
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        • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
          Originally Posted by shawnlebrun View Post

          I think this is one area that a lot of new writers get confused on.

          They often hear "the copy should talk about the prospect but not you" or "the copy should have more "you" in it then "I" (in regards to talking TOO your prospect)

          But, like Angie said... you often have to start with your story, just as a reference point. It frames the entire sales pitch.

          Here's how I figured this stuff out... and now, here's why it will help you.

          So, you're not really going on and on about you specifically... you're just showing the prospect how you solved your problem... and then, you want to create a straight line from that... to how it will help you prospect.

          Talking about yourself should only act as a starting point... so you can explain how this product or service came to be.
          Totally agreed.

          And to further expand - remember, sales come in part from trust.

          This is where the know/like/trust factor comes into play.

          You may often be selling to cold traffic or people who don't know you well. If they don't know you and don't like you, the likelihood of the sale starts decreasing.

          But here's the thing - you can earn all these things. You can make them know a little more about you, like you, trust you - but you've got to tell some sort of story that they can relate to. And the best hero for this story? You.

          I've got a girlfriend who kicks ass at a new MLM venture that I'm starting to see everywhere online. Why? Because she tells her personal story, shares how those features turned into benefits for HER.

          Hell, I hate supplements and I'm considering buying from her.

          So no, talking about yourself ain't a bad thing. Just make sure you're not making it all about you - in the end, it's always about solving the customer's problem.
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          • Profile picture of the author Chriswrighto
            Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

            Totally agreed.

            And to further expand - remember, sales come in part from trust.

            This is where the know/like/trust factor comes into play.

            You may often be selling to cold traffic or people who don't know you well. If they don't know you and don't like you, the likelihood of the sale starts decreasing.

            But here's the thing - you can earn all these things. You can make them know a little more about you, like you, trust you - but you've got to tell some sort of story that they can relate to. And the best hero for this story? You.
            Completely agreed.

            And to Nate - a story about you can be a great way to show empathy to their problem.

            You understand them.

            You know what they're going through.

            You know how to solve their problem.

            So ya'see... A story about you can create empathy and trust, which will help your sales.
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  • Profile picture of the author joe golfer
    Try to make it more conversational. If you were at a bar with a buddy, would you say this?:

    "The waterproof rubber cover will repel water and dirt like a rain coat. No longer will a little rain waterlog your ball and deteriorate its surface. Play in the rain with no worries."

    More likely you would say something like:

    "Dude, it started raining and I thought we were cooked. Check it--this ball repelled the water and dirt no problem. It's got this cover like a raincoat. Mikey and me played another hour--in the frickin' rain!"

    Here's a better example. Check out this copy from a now-closed WSO:

    http://www.warriorforum.com/warrior-...ml#post8475239

    Notice how conversational it is, like the writer is sitting next to you at the bar.

    This will pay off in spades for you, especially if you are writing your own copy. Guys like Joe Sugarman, who built an empire on his own copy, worked hard to make the copy seem very natural and conversational. Here is some of Joe's copy:

    "I am about to tell you a true story. If you believe me, you will be well rewarded. If you don't believe me, I will make it worth your while to change your mind. Let me explain.

    Len is a friend of mind who knows good products. One day he called excited about a pair of sunglasses he owned. "It's so incredible," he said, "when you first look through a pair, you won't believe it."

    http://riverjangda.wordpress.com/201...out-your-copy/
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  • Profile picture of the author jjosephs
    Seeing a pattern? The good stuff illustrates a benefit, talks directly to me, and puts my ass on the court (a big feat, since it's been about 3 years)

    Yet you start with:

    Introducing New All-Surface Ultra-Long-Life Basketball With Power Bounce Technology
    Sterile. Created in an intellectual test tube by a pencil neck.

    Is the benefit that it's new? That it lasts a long time? That it has a "power bounce" (whatever that is)?

    I have a basketball already... Not pretty but it's round, bounces, and works on all surfaces.

    Convince me. Gimme some action:

    Fast, fluid, freakin' unstoppable- This ain't your daddy's basketball

    3.5 Years getting slapped silly, bounced around and tossed about - And never stops to complain

    Grab the solid balls that win championships
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  • Profile picture of the author NateJasper
    What do you guys think of this headline? New Basketball Design Repels Water and Dirt and Lasts 5 Times Longer.
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    • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
      Originally Posted by NateJasper View Post

      What do you guys think of this headline? New Basketball Design Repels Water and Dirt and Lasts 5 Times Longer.
      You're getting there, but you're still selling features.

      When I'm translating features into benefits, I imagine that I'm writing the script for a movie with NO SOUND. No captions. No words. Pure experience playing out in their mind, something they can see and feel and experience in their imagination. That's their FIRST experience with your product, so make it real.

      Try this...

      1) Feature: Repels water

      So what? What problem does that solve? Describe the problem in as much detail as possible. Then, describe the same scenario, only this time assume that they have your ball. What's different in the overall experience?

      2) Feature: Repels dirt

      See above

      3) Feature: Lasts 5 Times Longer

      See above.

      What are they MISSING out on by not having this product? What will they be able to do once they have it?
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      • Profile picture of the author NateJasper
        Originally Posted by sethczerepak View Post

        You're getting there, but you're still selling features.
        How long should my headline be? I thought headlines should be under 15 words. I can't think of a way to take your advice and come in under 15 words.

        *Edit* Can a headline be more than one sentence long? I'm having trouble getting more than one benefit into my headlines. Is one powerful benefit enough?
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        • Profile picture of the author Chriswrighto
          Originally Posted by NateJasper View Post

          How long should my headline be? I thought headlines should be under 15 words. I can't think of a way to take your advice and come in under 15 words.

          *Edit* Can a headline be more than one sentence long? I'm having trouble getting more than one benefit into my headlines. Is one powerful benefit enough?
          Post what you've got so far.
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  • Profile picture of the author NateJasper
    Annihilate The Competition With The Accuracy Of A Sniper With New Basketball Design.

    Annihilate The Competition With The Accuracy Of A Sniper With New Basketball Design at 1/6th The Cost.

    Pick Apart The Competition With The Accuracy Of A Sniper With New Basketball Design At 1/6th The Cost

    Instantly Increase Your Effective Shooting Range By 20% With New Basketball Design at 1/6th The Cost.

    At Last...A Basketball That Wicks Away Water And Dirt Like A Raincoat And Lasts 5 Times Longer

    At Last...A Basketball That Wicks Away Water And Dirt Like A Raincoat...Lasts 5 Times Longer
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    • Profile picture of the author Charles Goodnight
      I'd go with the last few examples instead of the first. Why? Unless you can show that the owner of the ball will benefit from using the ball and not the competition on the court the title is a little misleading.

      -CG
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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    Originally Posted by NateJasper View Post

    Instantly Increase Your Effective Shooting Range By 20% With New Basketball Design at 1/6th The Cost.
    Now you're getting somewhere. You have a benefit. You just need an underdog hero and a story about how he increased range and accuracy in record time. Check out John Carlton's one legged golfer ad. You could easily translate the same story elements to this.
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  • Profile picture of the author NateJasper
    Thanks for all the advice everyone, you've all been really great. This sure is harder than it looks. I'm getting an inkling of what you guys are getting at. I just need to find a way to synthesize all the great tips you've given me. I'll work on it for a couple hours tomorrow morning.
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  • Profile picture of the author doggerel
    IMO, you have to be a great reader before you become a great writer. I'd find great copy and read it, study it, digest it, dissect it and literally type out copies of it.

    I published some short stories and wrote a book of poetry, and majored in creative writing in college. The written word changed my life. I can name four books that transformed my experience of life- for better or for worse. I've read the same book over 50 times, and certain texts and poems and passages over 100 times. I have almost adopted them as physical life experiences.

    And there are times when I struggle to write a word: I'm blocked or bored or hungover or whatever.

    I'm always amazed at people who want to write for a living but have never been inspired or possessed by the writing of others. It seems like you'd just be wasting your time. I remember years ago reading Stephen King's "On Writing" and he said that if you have not read at least 250 books, don't bother writing anything- it is just not for you.

    ...Agree!

    I know this post is slightly off-topic, but I just had to write it out. Inspired, I guess.
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