[Critique request] Please give me you expert opinion on how to improve this ad copy.

51 replies
Hi guys,

I will be launching a new SEO WordPress plugin, soon,
and I wanted to make sure that my ad copy is on point...

Can you please take a look and give me your expert opinion?

This is the current version, that I will be updating as I get
more feedback:

http://1clickvideoranker.com/index6.html

A few points:

- The video hasn't been added yet.

- I haven't added any testimonials yet.

- Some links don't work.

Type of feedback I'm looking for:

- Can you understand in a few seconds what is being sold?

- Would you change something in the headline or subheadline?

- Would you remove or add something in the ad copy?

- Thoughts on the design and layout.

- Any other thoughts you have.

Thanks in advance for your feedback - I really appreciate it!

George
#copy #critique #expert #give #improve #opinion #request
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    There's a lot of things I'd change on that - to make it a killer launch just like the Optinlinks Plugin video/salespage I wrote recently. But I aint doing it for nuttin'.
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  • Profile picture of the author George Katsoudas
    Thanks, for the feedback, Mal.

    Anyone else?

    George
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  • Profile picture of the author Tim R
    I agree that there's a lot of things that need to be changed. It'd a take a while to list everything here. I suggest hiring someone to write the copy for you.
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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    There is a lot to change, but here's one thing that stands out for me...

    Your biggest benefit needs to leap right off the page. The way you have this now, I had to dig for it. It looks like this plugin can get one of my videos ranked on Google page one very quickly and with very little effort.

    New Plugin Gets Your Video On PAGE ONE in (EXCITING BUT BELIEVABLE TIME PERIOD) By Just (VERY EASY ACTION)

    I know a lot of people who would buy that, myself included.
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    • Profile picture of the author Chriswrighto
      The green bar at the top annoys me for some reason. :rolleyes:

      Aside from what Seth has said... Your first paragraph calls out 'webmasters."

      Who relates to themselves as a webmaster?

      Maybe it's just me, but I immediately thought "Oh this is for someone else."
      Signature

      Wealthcopywriter.com :)

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      • Profile picture of the author Will Compton
        Dear George,

        If this was my sales page, here's what I would do:
        • Put the headline at the top, center it, and make it stand out more (This is the most important part of your letter, I spend 90% of my time just on the headline).
        • Take off the top bar (because you want a slippery slide down to the order form, without a way to get out of your page besides buying or closing the tab).
        • Make the headline stronger:
        "Finally, rank #1 without working...
        "New WordPress Plugin
        Blasts Your Videos To The First Page
        With One Click In Less Than A Week!"
        • Get rid of all the pictures (or at least give them good captions with benefits)
        • After the subhead, put From:
        From: George Katsoudas

        Dear Friend,
        • Build a stronger opening "grabber":
        If you want your videos to shoot up Google's ranking like a rocket, get to the first page and stay there, all with one click... then this is going to be the most important letter you read.

        Here's what this is all about:
        • Put the demo father down
        • Turn your features and benefits list into bullets:
        • Automatically adds a sitemap so Google can easily and quickly rank you higher! (So you get more traffic, more customers, and more cash!)
        • Take the bonus, guarantee, P.S., and your picture out of the order form. (I would up the picture next to your name right below the headline.)
        • Feature the guarantee and extend it to 6 months to a year (As weird as it sounds the longer the guarantee the less returns you get because people just forget)
        • This is me, but I would make just one price. (but you have to test it to see which one makes the most profit.)
        • Put your address and phone number
        • Take out all links and make a slippery slide
        • Put your signature
        • Stronger P.S.
        • And I would put a background
        But I'm assuming it isn't live yet? Tell me when you test it out and I'll help you increase conversion.



        Sincerely,

        Will Compton
        ComptonCopywriting.com


        P.S. Here's what I'm talking about, and then put your picture where it says From: George... (keep in mind this is off the top of my head)...


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  • Profile picture of the author George Katsoudas
    Guys, thank you VERY much for the feedback. I have a lot to work on, so I'll get to it right away.

    I can't express how much I appreciate your help.

    Thanks again!

    George
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  • Profile picture of the author George Katsoudas
    Ok, I have added an updated version of the salesletter (see initial post above).

    If you have any other thoughts, I'd love to hear them.

    Thanks!

    George
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    It looks and reads worse than what you had before. You took that (banned) guy's headline and its way off. That's not what your product is about. Your original head was better than that. This one makes it sound like you're pitching to video-makers rather than "using the power of video to get more Google traffic".

    Lesson: be careful of the advice you get on a forum.
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  • Profile picture of the author George Katsoudas
    I see your point, Mal.

    Back to the drawing board!

    George

    PS. Edit: I now "married" the old headline with the new one. I think it reads better now. Thanks again for the feedback!
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    This is what you have now -


    Traffic-getting, "Video SEO" WordPress plugin gets your website on page 1 of Google, with the click of a button, in as little as 7 days...

    Ho hum. Sounds like just another pitch. Forget "Video SEO" - what's that anyway? Forget "click of a button". Forget "as little as 7 days".

    Not much left is there.

    Instead - speak to me one on one. What have you got? What does it do (that's so exciting)? How is it going to make a big difference to my online biz? How's it going to make things easier? How's it going to make me money?


    Go back to your original copy. This -
    [QUOTE]Have you noticed lately that VIDEOS are very often in the top 10 Google results? Other smart webmasters have noticed it too, and now they are using it to get more traffic to their websites. This WordPress plugin will help you do the same.[/QUOTE]DON'T just copy this... but play with something like this -

    "Hey... you noticed the way Google is whacking videos in the Top 10 results when you do a Search lately? Whats with that? They really stand out don't they? EVERYONE clicks on the video first"

    Then you continue the conversation. Something like - "We noticed it and we thought "Wouldn't it be great if there were a Wordpress Plugin that would....

    Encompass the "even if you didn't create the video, and even if you don't host the video on your site."

    Thats the HOOK right there.

    I like your old-school cartoon graphic. Continue that theme. Use some more. Ditch the headshot. You look like your puppy has just died. Take a better shot.
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  • Profile picture of the author George Katsoudas
    Mal, merci, mate!

    (Never thought I'd use French, "Australian" and alliteration in the same sentence).

    I have worked some more on the page, and I'll keep working on it.

    Thanks again,

    George
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    • Profile picture of the author Will Compton
      George,

      I really want to help you make your product a success...

      So let's go through the whole process from the very beginning because writing copy is the tip of the iceberg. It's the research that's important.

      First, let's build your perfect client avatar. Once you figure out who your client is, what their deepest fears and desires are, and what really motivates them, then you can craft a sales pitch targeted right to their "hot buttons."

      To do that your going to have to answer some critical questions:
      1. What keeps your prospect awake at night?
      2. Who are they mad at? Who do they blame for things not going well in their life?
      3. What are their top three daily frustrations?
      4. What is their typical day like?
      5. What do they secretly desires most? (What I mean is, people say they want to get rich to live the good life, but really they want to tell everyone who doubts them, "See, I told you so, screw you!")
      6. What trends are occurring in your market?
      7. What is their subculture language?
      8. How do people in your market describe themselves?
      9. Who is selling something similar to your product?
      10. What is your advantage?
      11. How old is your prospect? And is their an age bias?
      12. Is their a gender bias?
      13. Do people in your target market have children?
      14. What is their income?
      15. Where do they live?
      16. Is their a political affiliation or bias?
      Get as detailed as possible. Once you answer those questions you will know your client on a deep level (almost better than they know themselves).


      And once you have a prospect profile, imagine someone you know that fits the profile, so you can have an image of talking to them in your head while you are writing copy. Because when you make your pitch it's to one person. Not a crowd!


      After we craft the prospect avatar we'll tackle the Unique Selling Proposition (USP). Basically, your going to have to answer the question: "Why should I do business with you as opposed to someone else, or doing nothing at all?" But we'll get to that later...
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  • Profile picture of the author clever7
    The FAQ in the end doesn’t seem to be a good choice. Perhaps it would be better before ‘10 times your investment back’. This way the user will find the links to order immediately after reading everything, instead of having to go back to click on the link they will prefer.

    Your explanations are good, but if I was your potential customer I would like to know more details about the advantages I will have with this plugin before buying.

    You are talking too much about technical matters. You are not convincing me that this tool will really make a difference.

    And what if Google will change everything tomorrow with another update? I want to know if this tool will help me no matter what.



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  • Profile picture of the author Nino
    I'm reffering to the updated version:
    1.Can you understand in a few seconds what is being sold?
    Yes- a plugin that will put the video thumbnail in google in a new way (since i don't even have to have a video on the site)

    2.Would you change something in the headline or subheadline?
    Yeah... break or fancy it up the text from the subheadline as it's too much text and i'm inclined to just scroll down and continue skimming (like most of the visitors)

    4. Thoughts on the design and layout.
    It's too narrow and i need to scroll a lot, add some graphics to transmit the idea of each block of text in a faster way.
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  • Profile picture of the author elmo033057
    When I was skimming, I just kept looking at the picture of the smiling gorilla. He reminds me of a sax player I was in a band with.

    ELMO
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  • Profile picture of the author jjosephs
    The copy has that robotic programmer stench. You want the features to speak for themselves, but features alone will not engage anybody. Read up on the difference

    What are the driving thoughts of people behind in the rankings? "I've tried X and Y and it's not working". "Why are some people doing so much better at SEO than me?" "I wish getting ranked by google wasn't so complicated" etc.

    Right off the bat, you need to create a burning curiosity and lasso them into an engaging conversation.

    For example: "What do the top ranking SEO bigshots know that you don't?"

    THEN you slowly pull the lid on this amazing secret, how it's gonna change their situation

    Nowhere do you display an understanding that says "He's talking to me". You have fragments of benefits and fragments of customer thoughts, but they're mostly buried halfway down the page.

    Cute comic, but it's no headline. What comes next is really a supporting subhead posing as a headline

    I'm not a big fan of colored bars. But if you must, at least darken them to make the white pop out. And use them sparingly- reserve them for the heavy-artillery straight-shooting benefits.

    Finally, realize that although your English is good, you will have alot of trouble tapping into the RHYTHM and FLOW that make copy soar. But at least you can start by chiseling down your benefits, and putting them front and center instead of features/screenshots.

    Good luck.
    Signature
    Marketing for ACTION & REACTION.
    Roll Out "The Cannon"
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  • Profile picture of the author George Katsoudas
    Thanks for the feedback. Sorry I haven't responded to each one of you individually, but I really appreciate all your help.

    I have updated the above-the-fold section. I'll keep working on the rest of the page.

    Thanks again!

    George
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Minor but important note: whitehat/blackhat are terms that SEOs use. NOT the consumer.

    The consumer (your average overworked, underpaid business owner) understands tricks. They understand seeing instant results from a shady SEO and subsequently getting slapped by Google. They don't really understand whitehat/blackhat.

    Avoid the technicalities. You're promising stuff that will easily get them ranked without having to fear the Google smackdown. Now prove it.
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    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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    • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
      Banned
      Originally Posted by angiecolee View Post

      Minor but important note: whitehat/blackhat are terms that SEOs use. NOT the consumer.

      The consumer (your average overworked, underpaid business owner) understands tricks. They understand seeing instant results from a shady SEO and subsequently getting slapped by Google. They don't really understand whitehat/blackhat.

      Avoid the technicalities. You're promising stuff that will easily get them ranked without having to fear the Google smackdown. Now prove it.
      I don't agree. Everyone knows what "whitehat" "greyhat" and "blackhat" are. And even if they didn't, they would understand from the context.

      I think you've done a fine job George.
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  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Is it for end users or SEOs who act as middle men? I live in Silicon Valley and there are tons of business owners/end users who don't get white hat vs black hat. And that's with Google down the street.
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    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

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  • Profile picture of the author Nick Evans
    Hi George,
    For some weird reason, that green color bothers me. It doesn't scream "BUY BUY BUY!" if that makes sense.
    Also, try to get rid of the HTML/CSS green header boxes and turn them into images. They look way too plain and, forgive me, "amateurish."
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  • Profile picture of the author George Katsoudas
    Ok, I have slightly reworded the headline and subheadline.

    I admit I find it a little surpising that all the feedback I have received on the green color is on the negative side. I thought science said this was one of the most "soothing" colors. Anyway. I have changed the color to blue, and added a slight border to the subheadline boxes.

    Thanks again for all the feedback!

    George

    Thanks for the feedback!
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    • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
      Banned
      Originally Posted by George Katsoudas View Post

      Ok, I have slightly reworded the headline and subheadline.

      I admit I find it a little surpising that all the feedback I have received on the green color is on the negative side. I thought science said this was one of the most "soothing" colors. Anyway. I have changed the color to blue, and added a slight border to the subheadline boxes.

      Thanks again for all the feedback!

      George

      Thanks for the feedback!
      I liked the green. BTW you have a typo - "expsnsive" for "expensive". HUGE disconnect with the headline and the copy below. (And that "in as little as 7 days" is straight out cornball. And the "authority site" logos look spammy.) You announce a "sneaky secret" in your head and then in the copy below you state "Forget about...Trying to "fool" Google with black-hat methods only to have your site get deindexed."

      So "sneaky secret" is screaming "this is Blackhat".

      Go back and look at my post #12. That, in my opinion, is the way you want to go.
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    • Profile picture of the author perryny
      Originally Posted by George Katsoudas View Post

      I admit I find it a little surpising that all the feedback I have received on the green color is on the negative side. I thought science said this was one of the most "soothing" colors. Anyway. I have changed the color to blue, and added a slight border to the subheadline boxes.
      Test both colors and let the market tell you which is better.
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  • Profile picture of the author elmo033057
    Maybe I'm wrong, but putting all of those video clip links on a page could send a prospect elsewhere. You don't want to give someone a reason to leave under any circumstances, even if the links aren't live or active.

    Just sayin'.

    ELMO
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    • Profile picture of the author George Katsoudas
      Originally Posted by elmo033057 View Post

      Maybe I'm wrong, but putting all of those video clip links on a page could send a prospect elsewhere. You don't want to give someone a reason to leave under any circumstances, even if the links aren't live or active.

      Just sayin'.

      ELMO
      Thanks for the feedback.

      Which video clip links are you referring to?

      There will be one embedded demo video (it probably will be self-hosted). The only other video is one from Youtube where Google explains that what the plugin is trying to achieve is desirable. I think I probably can't do much better than getting a "video testimonial" from Google themselves.

      Let me know if I have missed what you are trying to communicate.

      Thanks again for your feedback, I appreciate it.
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      • Profile picture of the author CShark
        While I appreciate your efforts in trying to figure out what works best in terms of your sales page, you need to be a wise man, sit down and remind yourself of the phrase, ' too many cooks spoil the broth'.

        Yes, I'm sure all of us are very happy to drop in with our expert comments, but at the end of the day dabbling with different approaches will NOT make you a copywriter, much less improve the CTR of your copy.

        Just my 2 cents.

        Originally Posted by George Katsoudas View Post

        Thanks for the feedback.

        Which video clip links are you referring to?

        There will be one embedded demo video (it probably will be self-hosted). The only other video is one from Youtube where Google explains that what the plugin is trying to achieve is desirable. I think I probably can't do much better than getting a "video testimonial" from Google themselves.

        Let me know if I have missed what you are trying to communicate.

        Thanks again for your feedback, I appreciate it.
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      • Profile picture of the author elmo033057
        Originally Posted by George Katsoudas View Post

        Thanks for the feedback.

        Which video clip links are you referring to?

        There will be one embedded demo video (it probably will be self-hosted). The only other video is one from Youtube where Google explains that what the plugin is trying to achieve is desirable. I think I probably can't do much better than getting a "video testimonial" from Google themselves.

        Let me know if I have missed what you are trying to communicate.

        Thanks again for your feedback, I appreciate it.
        George, I was talking about the Youtube clip examples you have.

        Even if these are not links, people may still leave your message and go check them out.

        ELMO
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        • Profile picture of the author George Katsoudas
          Originally Posted by elmo033057 View Post

          George, I was talking about these:


          Even if these are not links, people may still leave your message and go check them out.

          ELMO
          Did you mean to include something else in your post? I don't see anything after "I was talking about these:"

          Thanks!

          George
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    "This sneaky secret boosts your traffic by 300%, in as little as 7 days - WITHOUT spending hours on complicated SEO..."

    I'm sorry, but how many times have we seen this headline? The promise is good but it's too generic. Isn't there SOMETHING that differentiates your product from everything else that's out there?
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  • Profile picture of the author George Katsoudas
    Thanks for the feedback.

    I keep rewording the headline. Obviously, expert copywriters like many of the posters here have "seen it all" and don't get impressed.

    But I think I'm now very close to having a headline that is at least "passable."

    Thanks again, I APPRECIATE the time you take to help me with this.

    George
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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Originally Posted by George Katsoudas View Post

      Thanks for the feedback.

      I keep rewording the headline. Obviously, expert copywriters like many of the posters here have "seen it all" and don't get impressed.

      But I think I'm now very close to having a headline that is at least "passable."

      Thanks again, I APPRECIATE the time you take to help me with this.

      George
      George, respectfully...

      WORK ON THE HEADLINE! Everything else is a waste of time if your headline sucks.

      And it does suck right now. It is NOT passable. It's boring. People will bail without scrolling, without paying attention to anything else.

      Who is your market? Answer: People looking for the next shiny object.

      Help them. What makes your product shine above all the rest? Whatever it is, put that in the headline, wrapped in some compelling benefits and run with it.

      - Rick Duris

      PS: Can someone out there quote from one or two of the masters how important the headline is to get right? In other words, please back me up here.
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  • Profile picture of the author George Katsoudas
    Hi, Rick!

    No need to convince me that the headline is super important. I'm right there with ya! You are 100% correct.

    Well, my market are people who want to make money online, and who also use WordPress to build websites.

    Were your comments directed towards the current headline?

    "Why some "rookies" get 300% more traffic than SEO gurus. Simple secret boosts your Google rankings, in 7 days..."

    A brief analysis of the headline:

    Benefit: Check (get increased Google ranking, get 300% more traffic than some pros).

    Quick results: Check: (in 7 days).

    Story-like, "humanized" approach: Check: (Why some "rookies" get 300% more traffic than SEO gurus).

    Weird and controversial opening: Check: (Again: "Why some "rookies" get 300% more traffic than SEO gurus" - this is something that isn't "normal" and shouldn't be happening, but it is).

    Not sure what other ad-copy concept to put in there. I feel I have already included some decent stuff, and it also flaws fairly naturally.

    Again, I appreciate your feedback and thanks for helping me! :-)

    George
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Well, I'm not gonna argue with you. If you like it, go for it.
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  • Profile picture of the author George Katsoudas
    Elmo, I didn't understand the Back To The Future reference. Is it related to ad copy or this thread, somehow? :-)
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  • Profile picture of the author George Katsoudas
    Thanks for the feedback, and feel free to send more of it!

    I have updated the above the fold section.

    Thanks,

    George
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    This...



    should die in a fire.
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  • Profile picture of the author elmo033057
    Did you mean for your headline to read:
    The 2 things that Google WANTS you to do, so they
    send you up to 300% more traffic, in as little as 7 days (WITHOUT getting new links, or writing more content)

    OR
    The 2 things that Google WANTS you to do, so they can
    send you up to 300% more traffic, in as little as 7 days (WITHOUT getting new links, or writing more content)


    I use the Internet constantly,look at a bunch of marketing and SEO stuff quite a bit, and I have no idea what Humingbird or Panda is or does. I can imagine what a novice feels like.

    I think the cartoon format is cool, but you need a benefit more people than a select few will understand. Not only that, but if you are SEO savvy (I'm assuming that these are the folks you are targeting by the name dropping of Panda and Hummingbird) I doubt that you'll impress anyone with a 300% claim. Those people have already been hyped to death!

    Perhaps I'm dense as in Back to the Future..LOL!

    ELMO
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  • Profile picture of the author fulfilledlife
    I think the biggest issue with your copy (headline and the opening) is credibility.

    Any time you make a big claim or promise you need to prove it then and there. You reader looks to disqualify your offer and the moment he smells it's not right, he is going to click away.

    You make huge promise in the headline, and as a reader I expect you to go right into it.

    But instead of proving it you go and make even bigger claim saying your method is similar to what used by those other companies (the ones whom have presence in press, radio, tv etc...). Now you put yourself in situation that you cannot prove even if you want and your offer looks like empty promises.

    After that you just jump into more promises.

    And it feels hyped out and shady...

    Also, video plus image are two eye catchers, and eyes naturally will gravitate toward them, I think it will prevent from many readers to read your copy. From my monitor here I cannot even see the copy unless I scroll down.
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    Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value - Albert Einstein

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  • Profile picture of the author George Katsoudas
    Thanks again for all the feedback - I appreciate it!

    I keep modifying the ad copy.

    George
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    The 3 things that Google WANTS you to do, so they
    send you up to 300% more traffic, in as little as 7 days (WITHOUT getting new links, or writing more content)
    Still clunky.


    Its gaming Google but its not gaming Google
    3 perfectly legit hacks that Google loves
    and rewards with a flood of traffic
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    George, I'm curious...

    You've received a fair amount of help here... and even given some golden nuggets.

    Here's my question....

    Do you believe this works and will help the people who buy it?

    Yes or no.

    Did you circle YES?

    Great.

    Now hire Mal.

    Mark

    P.S. I appreciate your desire to grow as a copywriter and do this stuff yourself, but why not just open the profits faucet, WHILE you're learning?
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Inspired by Mal's:

    3 Perfectly Legit Hacks Google Loves--Rewarding You with a Traffic Tsunami
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  • Profile picture of the author richgerald
    It looks good, understandable.
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  • Profile picture of the author elmo033057
    Get someone to write for you. You can't be an expert at everything!
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  • Profile picture of the author Zodiax
    Not inspired by Mal., but I want in on the attention.

    What if you could force Google to work on your behalf, drawing hot fresh leads to your business with MINIMAL effort?

    If you don't do these three things, you are leaving money on the table.

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    'I hated every minute of training, but I said, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion'
    -Muhammad Ali

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  • Profile picture of the author George Katsoudas
    Well, first of all, thank you all for the feedback.

    I have indeed received some golden nuggets. I also admit I have received more than my fair share of help. Actually I HAVE RECEIVED MORE HELP THAN I DESERVE!

    I have tweaked the site some more, and will continue doing so.

    I'll continue part of this discussion privately, via PM.

    Thanks again - you people absolutely ROCK!

    George
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  • Profile picture of the author Chriswrighto
    This thread is a testimonial to why the Copywriting forum should stay independent of others.
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