[Critique Request] - VSL Landing Page

by 30 replies
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Hi Copywriters,

Good day!

Was wondering if anyone would care to critique the VSL landing page at FREE Video Training Reveals How To Lose Stubborn Fat ...

Would love to have your thoughts and any views / thoughts / inputs / feedback would be most welcome.

Thank you.
#copywriting #critique #landing #page #request #vsl
  • Video isn't loading for me.

    Is it for anyone else?
  • Hi Chriswrighto and all,

    Should have made this clearer.

    Meant to get a critique on the design elements & the brief copy on the landing page itself first.

    The video will still take some time to be created.
  • Banned
    Gosh - a FREE video. How exciting. I've been getting very tired of paying to watch videos.
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
    • [1] reply
    • How much do women care about being "strong?" Unless they already lift... it's probably not their primary motivation. And if they're lifters, they probably aren't looking for a weight loss program. "Slim, sexy body" works better.

      Also... cap those first letters on your subhead. I know technically "of," "the," "for," etc would be lower-case, but it looks weird that way... especially when it's the first word of the sentence.
  • @ The Copy Nazi & Mario Castelli:

    Tks much for your inputs. Have factored these into the revision and here's the updated page: Lose Stubborn Fat

    Old copy is at FREE Video Training Reveals How To Lose Stubborn Fat ...

    @ All:

    What do you think? Any inputs or feedback for me?
    • [1] reply
    • Neither of these videos load in IE or FF
      • [1] reply
  • [DELETED]
  • the design elements right now are irrelevant.

    they're ok but nothing great.

    in fact, they very well my LOWER conversions.

    you need to test it and see if it boosted conversions or not.
  • Davemiz, why do you say that the design elements right now are irrelevant?

    What would you do if this was your VSL landing page?
    • [1] reply
    • Test the video by itself and get a baseline conversion number.

      Then test different layouts against the control.
  • i'd make it convert. :-)
  • @BrianMcLeod:

    In other words ...

    Test A: Video ONLY with XXX visitors => Get conversion number
    Test B: Video with layout A with XXX visitors => Get conversion number
    Test C: Video with layout B with XXX visitors => Get conversion number

    etc, etc. Right?

    @davemiz:

    Meaning ...?
  • Hi all,

    Have completed revamped the design at Lose Stubborn Fat

    Let me know your thoughts? Tks!
    • [1] reply
    • The message people have been trying to get through is that it's not about your design at this stage. :p

      You need to get a baseline before you test the conversions with design.

      Strip it down... throw it up the video and headline.

      Test it.

      Then test again with the little "cute" designs you're showing us.

      I think your time in this forum is best spent showing us the video and letting us critique your copy.

      Hope this helps, pal. :p
  • "Here's my dinner table place settings I'm planning on using...

    ...will this be a good meal?"
  • @Chriswrighto & BrianMcLeod: Thanks both. Appreciate it much!

    @All:

    Hi all,
    Just thought to share that the video sales letter is now live at

    Love to hear what you think!
  • Have you actually uploaded the video this time? It's not loading for me.
  • The video, graphics and the voice over are ok.

    But it's the "same as" everything else in the weight loss arena.

    There is nothing to differentiate you from the mountains of competition.

    The following advice is based on Mr Eugene Schwartz's book "Breakthrough Advertising"

    Don't worry if you've never heard of it. I'll explain.

    The weight loss game is at best in the 4th Stage of Sophistication - prospects have heard all the "claims" and are disillusioned with them.

    To counteract this you MUST elaborate on the "mechanism" for the weight loss you are promoting (not the promise).

    Starting with the headline - and immediately in the opening copy.

    More likely weight loss is in the 5th Stage of Sophistication - prospects have heard every "mechanism" and don't believe any of them.

    Now you HAVE to identify full on with your prospects.

    Not easy, but show them you truly understand their frustration and maybe just maybe you have the one thing they need.

    And then prove beyond doubt that you have.


    Steve
    • [ 2 ] Thanks
    • [1] reply
    • I agree with Steve.

      It's far too generic.

      "Lose weight fast"

      "Lose weight eating what you like"

      "Blah blah..."

      It's all the same...

      And the market is tired of being lied to.

      What makes yours different? Is there something that can jump out and hit me in the face?

      I was actually listening with my girlfriend sitting close-by and she eventually turned to me and said "Are they just going to get to the point?"

      I think that's telling about how much of your current sales message is fluff that once used to arouse curiosity but is long outdated.

      But hey...

      "The more you know"
  • The landing page looks very busy to my eye, there's not a clear sense of where to go or what to do but rather many options to click on.

    My understanding is the highest converting landing pages just capture your name and email address, have minimal text, and then video uploads automatically once email address is submitted.

    My 2 cents and worth at least that.
  • @Tim R: Yes, the video's there.

    @Steve & Chris: Thanks for your inputs

    @nmchant: Am confused. Which page are you looking at? On my squeeze page, not even asking for name at all. If you're looking at the page that everyone else is seeing, it's meant to be a sales page and not a squeeze page.
    • [2] replies
      • [1] reply
    • Seems like you've restricted access to the video based on region, you might want to change that.
      • [1] reply
  • @nmchant:

    The squeeze page is on http://burnbellyfast.com

    And the VSL on Women ... Lose 10, 15, Even 20 Pounds Of Stubborn Fat In Just 28 Days!
    • [1] reply
  • Appreciate your thoughts and inputs nmchant!
    • [1] reply
  • The video doesn't load for me at all, in any browser, on multiple devices.

    If I use a VPN it loads no problem. I can only assume the access is restricted based on region.
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