Which is better? Please help solve an argument!

by 42 replies
51
Hi Everyone

My page designer and I are having a disagreement about the headline and bullet points in the intro box of my landing page.

I am wanting to use more persuasion type copy, but she has not really come across this and says that hers is better because its more straight forward. (she did steal my headline though!)
As I have a really tight budget for testing I would really appreciate some feedback on which one to begin with and any improvements that could be made.
Eventually I would like to switch the long copy to video, is that something that could work for this product could anyone say?

These are the two versions:
Hers : Menopause |

Mine : Menopause 2 |

I am open to any suggestions so please don't hold back. Thanks
#copywriting #argument #copy #headlines #landing page #solve
  • I prefer her copy. The headline is stronger, IMO. It's a more active headline, which does more to make the reader actually envisage the sex.

    Also the bullets stand out more for her copy.

    Correct me if I'm wrong -- I can't imagine I'm your target market -- but is organic lube really that much of a selling point? I could be wrong on this, but it isn't something that'd really sell me on it.

    Immature, I know, but the man on the right does look like your stereotypical porn star.
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    • ██████████



      Would suggest that you ease back on BOTH landers with the details / text / BP's yahyahyah, there is way too much to make it worth reading, go back to basics a touch...

      EG:

      You go to a store to buy milk, you buy milk
      You go to a petrol pump, you buy petrol
      You search google for "organic lube" you get a simple lander / cpa page..

      Will this work? Hell yeh, everyone online looking / searching is too busy to actually worry about "copy" or "is that a good bit of info" anymore, this is proven by the recent move over by the FBAN devs at FB, make it simple and peeps will buy / signup

      ██████████
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  • Just run a split test and let your target market decide.

    I'd put my money on her headline though.
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    • Ok I will, and I'll let you know
  • I think the first one is stronger, but you should test them.

    Obviously I'm not your target audience, but I don't think your copy is really hitting the mark. Certain things seem like they would be a huge disconnect... is using an analogy of Superman and Kryptonite the kind of thing that will resonate with menopausal women? My guess would be no.

    I only skimmed through parts of this, but I think you're missing some important points here. You're focusing a lot on the physical aspect of sex, but don't seem to be addressing the psychological and emotional issues of going through menopause.

    Does your customer feel less attractive? Less confident? Less of a woman? Afraid of growing old and everything that this entails?

    I think you've only really scratched the surface of what your customer wants.

    Are you just selling lubricant, or are you selling the feeling of being young and desirable again? What will it be worth to them to feel what it's like when their husband looks into their eyes with the same level of passion and excitement he did on their honeymoon?

    I have no experience with your particular market though, so feel free to take this advice with a grain of salt.
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  • First one, definitely.

    You need to study the market a little more. I know a lot of menopausal women were born in the 60s, but how often do you really think they say Vagina in daily conversation?

    Reread Tim's post. You're selling a dream of youth. No one wants to picture a dry, aching Vagina, even if that's the actual problem you're solving.
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    • Thanks, You are right a I will try to put a more positive spin on it. I have done quite a bit of research and its said that a lot of women enjoy sex more after the menopause because they have more time as the kids have left home, they are more confident in themselves and know what they want. Apparently sex after menopause can be the best sex of your life if you can get over the dryness problem! I am not there yet so can't speak from experience. My Mum (63) and her friends talk about sex all the time and aren't shy but maybe they are just odd? lol
      I am finding it hard to segment the market though as and talk to each one as you say some women are not comfortable talking
      about it, but maybe they aren't the ones who are going to be looking for a lube?
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  • Most women have better sex at that age so

    Imagine Having Amazing Sex ...etc

    Has a bit of a disconnect I think.

    What about being more direct:

    "Enjoy Frictionless Sex...Even After Menopause"
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    • The word "Frictionless," is just going to make them think of friction.

      Same with the word "menopause..." just going to make them think of menopause.

      It's not what you say that matters. It's the picture you create in the reader's mind. This is especially true when marketing to women because they have more gray matter connecting the logical and emotional sides of their brain.

      A good example is the 4th split test on this blog...

      8 Simple Online Copywriting Case Studies with Examples from Real A/B Tests - ContentVerve.com

      Notice that they used the word "spam" in the privacy policy and tested it against a version which didn't include the word spam. Whether it's "we don't spam" or "we do spam..." the picture in the brain is linked to spam.

      To the OP, go with what you have. Too much analysis will just create doubt. Split test the two...and post your results here. I'd be interested in seeing them.
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  • I don't understand how you can have a "tight budget" for testing.

    Testing isn't a cost, it's a profit-center.

    Colm
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    • Many a new product has died a slow, agonizing death, never to be resurrected .. taking with it to the grave the dollars spent on testing. Hardly a "profit-center".

      Want to call testing dollars an investment? That's fine. Lots of lessons to be learned from failed campaigns.

      Alex
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    • Probably means they have a tight budget. That doesn't always mean a scarcity mindset...sometimes ya' only got what ya' got.
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  • I also prefer the first version. Without going into to bulk of the page below, what I like at the top is how she stresses short positive points in bold and then expands on them. Those points are what grab my attention on this page and keep me reading for more.

    Then, the box below with even more points get me wanting to read the rest to learn even more.

    I'm not an experienced marketer or copy writer and speaking only as an average Joe and that's what would keep me reading personally. Or even buying on impulse based on the idea the rest will only back up those points.

    BTW, I'm also speaking as a 43 year old man who would read that with an eye on making my wife's experience better. What's better for her in this regard is by far what's better for me. I'd buy it. And the organic would be my tipping point.
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  • Definitely the first one. Though I do like your headline better. "Amazing sex" is almost a cliche by now. "Deeply satisfying" says a lot more.
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    • Mellie,

      I'd like to know more about how you've been an "independent sex researcher" for many years. (honestly)!? (PM me)
      "Hi… My name is Melanie Kay, and I have been an independent sex researcher, product developer and enthusiast for many years!" (I understand the "enthusiast" part) )

      But I have a bit of advice from insight gained in research for my master's thesis on penis size and female satisfaction (yup, again, "really!!") which is that length is important to a few women (less then 15% though) while "width" or "girth" (i.e. circumference ) is more important to their pleasure for the MAJORITY of women. Suggesting/implying that discomfort is due to post-menopause "tightening" of the vagina,and that since you have "the cure" that whatever the "width" it will FEEL bigger, might be a helpful sales point. (Some women worry that childbirth has stretched their vagina irreparably, which is very rarely true but sex during the few months postpartum can turn into a turnoff for husbands, and turn into a "complex" for women, too) (So sad.)

      The Copywriter's copy in the opening (most important for a landing page) HITS the reader with the key sales words at the beginning of those sentences. In fact, I just read/skimmed down the bolded keywords, and arrived at the "order now" button (MUCH better placement, BTW)

      Tim's point about using "vagina" too often (in the second block) is well taken. Women my age and younger (and it's also a regional thing) are not terribly uncomfortable with the word vagina, although some of a "girls" couple generations younger are still hesitant to use it in "mixed company" (apparently still a "no-no" on afternoon TV, too). But older women (post menopausal obviously) which is to say 70 and older, are also squeamish about the word, too.

      I had a Professor who has an ongoing thing called "The Vagina Project" which is to try to get women to use the word vagina "correctly". Actually SHE uses it incorrectly, what she really means is "vulva" the external, visible parts, or "pudenda" which covers an even wider area of sexually "taboo" anatomy. But the point is, she sent our whole class out into the world (our group went to a shopping mall) to try to break down reluctance to use "vagina" as a common term (and I, as usual, went my own way, explaining that "vulva" was the proper term, and that vagina, meaning the internal structure, was not a bad word either).

      Use words that imply comfort, but also have a "sexy" connotation, like "silky" and "satin smooth", as well as words that suggest getting past the taboo of sex (esp. for older women, as you say, 70's and 80's can be some of the best times for women who don't even reach their "peak" until around 40). Boudoir, steamy, thrilling, titillating, penetrating are all potentially good words.

      And as at least one other reader pointed out, MEN WILL BUY THIS for their wives in hope of reviving a flagging sex life. Many women buy into the idea that they are no longer "women" after menopause, (dumb, dumb, dumb) or that they are not attractive to the opposite sex (Silly girls). Frankly the first screen worth was all I needed (as a man, with an older wife) to convince me that this was the hottest thing since the "stimulating" version of KY jelly.

      Go girl, keep up the good (and important) work you are doing. We older men appreciate it.

      Sincerely,
      Stafford "Doc" Williamson
      (newly minted Master of Arts grad in Interdisciplinary Studies)
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  • The first one is stronger, but its almost too strong! When it comes to "adult products" I'm guessing the ladies like a softer touch (pun intended).










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    • Baseless assumptions. You're not the market.
    • You think that photo is obscene?! Why?

      As far as your other comments, you're totally off the mark here. You're the first to admit you know nothing about copywriting, so all you're doing is offering bad and misleading advice.
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  • Yours Melanie. I prefer yours.

    Rik
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    • Thanks Rik,

      is there a reason you prefer mine?
  • "women like me", except it's not women like you other than the age factor. 1 person is hardly a representation of the public.






    Who are sexy. Thus they want to be sexy.
  • Hi Meldog,

    I wouldn't describe myself as speaking for the public let alone women of a certain age just for me.I am however about the right age and am going through the big M.

    Also having followed this thread for a few days now I feel I've got to say something.

    Firstly I do agree with some posters that the product is nothing to do with relationships it's to do with sex, a matter of conjecture whether the couples are married or in a serious relationship or not.

    In this particular case I do agree with the poster who says split testing is esstential that is the only real way of determining your success with any of the elements discussed here.

    Looking at both landing pages I don't find the pictures used offensive at all on the contrary quite chaste.
    They have a nice clean look about them, in fact both landing pages do.

    Sorry to disappoint you I do prefer your designers landing page because of the bullet points they stand out nicely above the fold .Then the Large "10 amazing ways..." panel just in case the visitor missed reading the first section.
    All this before the visitor can sit down to read the rest of the copy. I mean you've now caught their attention and qualified that those bullet points apply to them so they want to read the rest of it.

    I'm not a copywriter just saying how this reads to me. Hope it helps you.

    Keren
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    • Hi Keren,

      Thanks for your reply, I think from reading all the comments that there is perhaps 2 sections to this market . Those women who still want sex but without the pain etc and those women who are married that perhaps would forgo it however they wish to still keep their husbands happy. I could have different landing pages for those but not sure how I would be able to target them ppc wise. There is alot of testing for me to do!
  • I preferred your headline and setup. It was straight to the point and if I was looking for deep satisfying sex after menopause I just want something that can do the trick. I don't want to read through all the gumpth I just want something that will work. Why would I take the time to read all of that. I'd buy it, try it and if it worked tell my friends. Sod reading reams and reams about why it works I'd just want to get my freak on. from someone who would definitely buy based on your landing page.

    I hope this helps.
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