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What do you guys think of this headline and subhead?

by NateJasper
10 replies
What do you guys think of this?

MYTH BUSTED!

As a financial adviser with over 30 years of experience I thought I had seen it all...untill my mind was blown when I discovered a new twist on a 160-year-old financial product that shatters the myth that you can't get a great return on your money while keeping it 100% safe and 100% liquid. (I used to think that you could only choose two of the three--I was wrong.)
#guys #headline #subhead
  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    Originally Posted by NateJasper View Post

    What do you guys think of this?

    MYTH BUSTED!

    As a financial adviser with over 30 years of experience I thought I had seen it all…untill my mind was blown when I discovered a new twist on a 160-year-old financial product that shatters the myth that you can’t get a great return on your money while keeping it 100% safe and 100% liquid. (I used to think that you could only choose two of the three--I was wrong.)
    It's a decent angle, but you're not getting to the "meat" of the offer until this part....

    "great return on your money while keeping it 100% safe and 100% liquid...."

    Here's what I do when creating a headline...
    • Barf out a bunch of ideas...
    • Dig out a few gems...
    • String them together into one sentence...

    BAM.

    Instant cool headline.

    For example, here are the gold nuggets in your example:
    • Financial adviser with over 30 years of experience
    • new twist on a 160-year-old financial product
    • great return on your money
    • while keeping it 100% safe
    • and 100% liquid.

    I'd suggest shortening each of these these ^ components, putting them on index cards and trying several combinations. There's a good headline in there somewhere...

    For example...
    • Financial adviser with over 30 years of experience (<--shorten this)
    • new twist on a 160-year-old financial product (<--good as is)
    • great return on your money (<--make this more specific)
    • while keeping it 100% safe (<--specific...safe from what?)
    • and 100% liquid.(<--good as is)

    30 Year Veteran Financial Planner Discovers
    Bizarre New Twist on 160-Year-Old Financial Product that
    Gives Ordinary Investors ___% to ___% Return Rates....


    ....and that's not all.

    This Unusual Investment Vehicle is:
    • 100% Liquid
    • 97% ____ Proof
    • Completely Immune to ___, ____ and _____.

    Damn, you just got that for free lol

    ...but I just had an idea for a good blog post.
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    • Profile picture of the author NateJasper
      Seth, you are one wicked helpful guy! I've learned a lot from your posts on this forum. Thank you.
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    • Profile picture of the author NateJasper
      Originally Posted by sethczerepak View Post

      ...but I just had an idea for a good blog post.
      What's the URL to your blog?
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      • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
        Originally Posted by NateJasper View Post

        One problem I have is what I can legally say. My product is dividend-paying whole life insurance from a mutual company--which means it's owned by its policyholders...which means they pay out their yearly profits to policyholder in the form of dividends. So I don't think I can legally call it an investment and I don't think I can get specific on what it returns without some disclaimers and explanations.

        The returns come from the insurance company's general accounts which are mostly invested in long-term bonds. They hold the bonds to maturity so this means they don't lose money when interest rates go up. They also have bonds from when interest rates were higher so they are getting a better returns than newly-issued bonds. The policyholders can get at the money tax-free, so that significantly increases the real return they get. Nominal returns are in the 5% range, real returns bump that up to 6-7% compared to taxed investments. I don't know if I can get this information into the headline.
        I understand....that's where my "three legged dog" theory comes in..

        If you cut one of a dog's legs off (which is what regulations do to marketers), you've just got to find a way to run on the other three. That's another blog ;-)

        Originally Posted by NateJasper View Post

        What's the URL to your blog?
        VQ Success: How to Become an Entrepreneur

        .....recently resurrected after being hacked last year and banned by Google...but that's another story.
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  • Profile picture of the author NateJasper
    One problem I have is what I can legally say. My product is dividend-paying whole life insurance from a mutual company--which means it's owned by its policyholders...which means they pay out their yearly profits to policyholder in the form of dividends. So I don't think I can legally call it an investment and I don't think I can get specific on what it returns without some disclaimers and explanations.

    The returns come from the insurance company's general accounts which are mostly invested in long-term bonds. They hold the bonds to maturity so this means they don't lose money when interest rates go up. They also have bonds from when interest rates were higher so they are getting a better returns than newly-issued bonds. The policyholders can get at the money tax-free, so that significantly increases the real return they get. Nominal returns are in the 5% range, real returns bump that up to 6-7% compared to taxed investments. I don't know if I can get this information into the headline.
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Maybe this will stimulate your thinking:

    http://pros.palmbeachletter.com/1405...BLQ520/?h=true

    - Rick Duris

    PS: A 770 account is a whole life insurance policy and if there is any tax free interest, it stays in the policy.

    PPS: Personally, I think you're struggling because everyone else is saying the same thing. And that's because the law is a great equalizer.

    Wordsmithing the words to death isn't going to cut it. Time to get creative. In a good way.
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    • Profile picture of the author NateJasper
      Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

      PS: Personally, I think you're struggling because everyone else is saying the same thing. And that's because the law is a great equalizer.
      Actually it's very rare for a whole life agent to market their product as a way to fund a client's retirement. The angle our field marketing offices makes is generating a huge amount of business for us. I'm basically taking the same approach they are. The reason I'm working on copy for us is because we want to supplement their marketing with a direct mail piece and also establish our own online presence.

      Thanks for the link, I appreciate it.
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Originally Posted by NateJasper View Post

        Actually it's very rare for a whole life agent to market their product as a way to fund a client's retirement. The angle our field marketing offices makes is generating a huge amount of business for us. I'm basically taking the same approach they are. The reason I'm working on copy for us is because we want to supplement their marketing with a direct mail piece and also establish our own online presence.

        Thanks for the link, I appreciate it.
        I shared that website ONLY to stimulate your creativity, Nate.

        That letter is designed to convert folks who ARE looking to fund their retirement. The advertiser wants to sell a newsletter to a specific audience.

        Your market, your field offices' market, is most likely different.

        My point is you have to get creative.

        - Rick Duris
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        • Profile picture of the author NateJasper
          I didn't mean to give the wrong impression Rick...sorry. I really appreciate you taking the time to help me out and I think the link you posted is excellent.
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  • Profile picture of the author nmchant
    Originally Posted by NateJasper View Post

    What do you guys think of this?

    MYTH BUSTED!

    As a financial adviser with over 30 years of experience I thought I had seen it all...untill my mind was blown when I discovered a new twist on a 160-year-old financial product that shatters the myth that you can't get a great return on your money while keeping it 100% safe and 100% liquid. (I used to think that you could only choose two of the three--I was wrong.)
    Looks like you got some top notch advice already.. i would just add that that is one heck of a long sentence.

    If possible to break the text up into more bite-size sentences, there's a better chance of keeping reader's attention till the end.
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