Jesse,

Your claim is unbelievable... You lose credibility there.

You prove nothing on either page...

And expect me to sign up while knowing nothing about what I'm getting.

Then on page 2 you ask me to give you a "paltry" 67 bucks so you can throw in the next module free? You haven't convinced me I need either module.

Also... on page 2 your video is too high up on the page. Tease that video early and play it later... or better yet forgo your video and give them some proof. Testimonials (video would work)... screenshots... actual scans of checks.

Other than saying you can print money you don't even give me a claim that you've done this. How much have you made doing this? How would I know you? Are you a super affiliate? Do you have any endorsements from known entities in marketing?

No offense but...

You made a cute video but did everything else wrong.

And speaking of doing wrong, the whole optin to see the sales letter thing is okay... but your market really appreciates it when you don't hold them hostage like that.

What I mean is you're forcing them to optin before they even know what they're opting in for.

Really... you used a few marketing tricks but the whole thing is wrong. It's almost a textbook "what not to do."

The premise is that we're offering visitors a free report to entice
them to sign up, then send them to a OTO page before they get
access to the member's area.

We wanted to put a lot of information about the offers in the
video so we wouldn't have to focus too much on the copywriting
aspect.

Hey man, I definitely appreciate it. I knew posting here that my
copywriting was nothing to brag about. I appreciate you being
straight-up with me.

I'll have to give both pages some work. I know that the product
is good - I just have to let my readers know.

Just for a potential backup plan: Can anyone give me a good
recommendation on a relatively cheap copywriter? I'm looking for
quality, but I'm not looking to break my back over the price. If
anyone knows of anyone, just shoot me a PM or email to the
below address.

All the best,

Jesse Kemmerer
kemmerer.j@gmail.com

Hey Guys,

I just finished up revising my landing page a big. It my not be a home
run, but I think it's a little better than what I previously had. Let me
know what you think.

Hey Guys,

Sorry for the triple post, but I just finished up the sales page. If anyone
would be interested in reviewing it and letting me know what you think,
I'd definitely appreciate it.

All the best,

Jesse Kemmerer
kemmerer.j@gmail.com

Try not to look so happy in your video as well (sarcasm).

You sound like a robot reciting a script. You better remember that if you can't get excited about your own product, neither will the people who hit your page.

Chris Elliott