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Looking For A Little Help...

by kemdev
8 replies
Hey Warriors,

Let me start out by saying this: I'm not a copywriting expert, nor
will I probably ever be. I try to keep my sales pages short, sweet,
and to the point. As it turns out, however, this particular strategy
isn't working too well with my latest project.

Looking over my stats, the typical visitor is spending about 3:00
minutes on my sales page. The problem, however, is that hardly
anyone is buying!

So I'm here to ask all of you wordsmiths out there for some a little
help with my page. Would anyone mind giving me an honest critique
on my sales page?

The link is below. However, I can't for the life of me work my way
around the BFM script and send you to just the OTO. So it will
send you right to the homepage. I'm not trying to squeeze emails
out of anyone, so if you'd prefer, you could just signup with a fake
address - anything@warrior.com, so I know which ones to delete.

www.DoubleAgentMethod.com

Thanks guys. I appreciate any help you can give to me.

All the best,

Jesse Kemmerer
kemmerer.j@gmail.com
  • Profile picture of the author MontelloMarketing
    Jesse,

    Your claim is unbelievable... You lose credibility there.

    You prove nothing on either page...

    And expect me to sign up while knowing nothing about what I'm getting.

    Then on page 2 you ask me to give you a "paltry" 67 bucks so you can throw in the next module free? You haven't convinced me I need either module.

    Also... on page 2 your video is too high up on the page. Tease that video early and play it later... or better yet forgo your video and give them some proof. Testimonials (video would work)... screenshots... actual scans of checks.

    Other than saying you can print money you don't even give me a claim that you've done this. How much have you made doing this? How would I know you? Are you a super affiliate? Do you have any endorsements from known entities in marketing?

    No offense but...

    You made a cute video but did everything else wrong.

    And speaking of doing wrong, the whole optin to see the sales letter thing is okay... but your market really appreciates it when you don't hold them hostage like that.

    What I mean is you're forcing them to optin before they even know what they're opting in for.

    Really... you used a few marketing tricks but the whole thing is wrong. It's almost a textbook "what not to do."
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    • Profile picture of the author Raydal
      Originally Posted by MontelloMarketing View Post

      Really... you used a few marketing tricks but the whole thing is wrong. It's almost a textbook "what not to do."
      C'mon Vin, be nice. We all know that you are a sweeter guy than that.

      -Ray Edwards
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      The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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      • Profile picture of the author MontelloMarketing
        Originally Posted by Raydal View Post

        C'mon Vin, be nice. We all know that you are a sweeter guy than that.

        -Ray Edwards
        That is me being nice. And I'm not kidding. This is a situation where your girlfriend asks if her ass looks fat in those pants. You can say no and spare her feelings or you can lay it on the line and spare her embarrassment.

        But in this case your gf already knows her ass looks fat. I'm just confirming that.

        Listen... he wants to make money. He's not making with this page. I was simply telling him what to do so he will make it.

        Now Jesse...

        The premise is that we're offering visitors a free report to entice
        them to sign up, then send them to a OTO page before they get
        access to the member's area.
        And what's in that free report? Why should I download it? Exactly what is it going to show me that other free reports haven't? I want specifics!

        The 6 ways to blah blah blah...

        The secret to never blah blah blah...

        You give me no reason to give you my email address and then on the next page you give me no reason to give you $67. In fact I wouldn't give $67 to an unknown entity without a whole assload of social proof... then I'd probably max out at $47.
        We wanted to put a lot of information about the offers in the
        video so we wouldn't have to focus too much on the copywriting
        aspect.
        This is what you don't understand... How those things are put into the video is... wait for it... COPYWRITING. You have to persuade... you have to entice. You were doing none of that.

        I'm sure your report and your product are brilliant. But no one reading your pages knows that. You have to tell them... show them... prove to them.

        So, back to Ray... Pal, I WAS being nice. I was being so nice I'd like to see this kid not continue to shoot himself in the foot.
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  • Profile picture of the author kemdev
    The premise is that we're offering visitors a free report to entice
    them to sign up, then send them to a OTO page before they get
    access to the member's area.

    We wanted to put a lot of information about the offers in the
    video so we wouldn't have to focus too much on the copywriting
    aspect.
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  • Profile picture of the author kemdev
    Hey man, I definitely appreciate it. I knew posting here that my
    copywriting was nothing to brag about. I appreciate you being
    straight-up with me.

    I'll have to give both pages some work. I know that the product
    is good - I just have to let my readers know.

    Just for a potential backup plan: Can anyone give me a good
    recommendation on a relatively cheap copywriter? I'm looking for
    quality, but I'm not looking to break my back over the price. If
    anyone knows of anyone, just shoot me a PM or email to the
    below address.

    All the best,

    Jesse Kemmerer
    kemmerer.j@gmail.com
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  • Profile picture of the author kemdev
    Hey Guys,

    I just finished up revising my landing page a big. It my not be a home
    run, but I think it's a little better than what I previously had. Let me
    know what you think.
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  • Profile picture of the author kemdev
    Hey Guys,

    Sorry for the triple post, but I just finished up the sales page. If anyone
    would be interested in reviewing it and letting me know what you think,
    I'd definitely appreciate it.

    All the best,

    Jesse Kemmerer
    kemmerer.j@gmail.com
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  • Profile picture of the author mccflo99
    Try not to look so happy in your video as well (sarcasm).

    You sound like a robot reciting a script. You better remember that if you can't get excited about your own product, neither will the people who hit your page.

    Chris Elliott
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