"Email Cocaine" Critique...

This does look juicy just glancing at it. I'm about to pass out so plan to take a look tomorrow at the text.

The only thing I'd mention is I would rather see the testimonials in the middle or end.

I really like the opening intro below the testimonial..I would rather see it first.

Personal preference and its what I'm used to.

I like the formatting, the colors, emphasis, font, ect... i would like to see the testimonials un-boldened, though I realize I can't always get what I want (but I try).

Hi Rick,

I liked it. Great copy.

It flows well - and does something thats not easy to do.

It makes you want to read it.

Because its low on hype.

And high on building up interest.

Also it phrased the "usual" emotional triggers in a slightly different way - so it wasn't chocked full of the same old cliches.

There's lots of other phrasing that works well.

Bazzing ** bullets.

And of all things a very "cool" close (like a - "its all ready and waiting for you...)

Because by this time - the audience should be buying.

There's no need to hammer them senseless - with endless high pressure.


Steve


** Bazzing - UK word meaning excellent.

Fabulous feedback (though I did my best not to have expectations either way, and approach this thread post with an empty cup).

Thanks so much Steve.

Rik

No problem - it was good to read it.

One of the best lines is -

"You are about to learn things $997 courses SHOULD teach you about email marketing, but DON'T..."

You might find this could be swiped by many copywriters.


Steve

Something magical begins ... First, you will see

Change in tense

You discover that my suggestions for email titles and unique "Addictive Email Writing" methods are beginning to work like gangbusters...
Gangbusters?
Blockbuster Video?
Gangbangers?

Slowly, right before your very eyes, it will feel as it the dreams that seemed distant or impossible in the past, are now suddenly posing the question "when do we start?" loud and clear in your head. The promises you've been making to yourself and others that you couldn't yet keep... That car you've been wanting so badly to buy... That pesky bill you've been waiting so long to pay... The ripped, athletic body you've been meaning to start carving...

So if someone uses your information on sending email then they're going to keep promises, have a car, and have a ripped body?

All of these things are benefits (to something) but you didn't really state how they're connected as benefits to your product.

If someone needs help with emailing then he's going to look for the product that gives him benefits related to what he's needing.

"It's An Amazing Experience, When You First Feel Distant Goals Becoming SO Much More Doable, Right Before Your Very Eyes!"

Are you selling a product that helps people write emails or are you selling a product that helps people achieve goals.

Inevitable experiences like the above after implementing what I tell you in my 67-page manual aren't strange at all, or a pipe's dream.

That is oddly worded.

"Inevitable experiences like the above aren't strange at all once you've implemented what's in my badass manual."

But the "of above" throws me off because after your new little sub headline I figured we were onto a new area of communication.

They are the result of a milestone in your career I call

The 67 pages are?
The pipe dreams?
Rhetorical questions.
Who is "making?"
You're making this stand out, but still be in thread with the sentence before it. If it were to stand alone then it wouldn't make sense.


The attempt at clever writing makes it hard for me to get into the reading of it. It takes forever to read through fluff to get to anything, imho.

I've got a plane to catch in a few hours so in the interest of time I'm just going to tackle the first couple paragaraphs today.

I don't understand what this sentence means and it's a bit longer than I prefer for headline:

Secret Six-Figure "Addictive Writing" Brings In Millions Of Dollars Online From 2013-Till Present,
And Works For ANY Market.

I know I said I like the colors but to my eye the dark red is a bit much, except for its usage in the subheadlines. And then I'd reserve the bright red for within body of text.

If it were mine I'd just use boldened black with a splash of red if warranted for the sub-headlines.

Color has volume (think 'loud') so I would use it Very sparingly.

I prefer to stick with black, red, blue, yellow (for the appropriate applications) for any online selling, though not sure if email marketing is different per se.

The only other thing I'd mention is (to follow up from last post) I'd move the testimonials to middle or end of text and unbolden them.

Abundant bold text is heavy on the eyes and can take away from the words and phrases you Really want to emphasize (yikes!).

I would just use it sparingly to get point across subliminally, cause I can see the entire testimonial text whether you bolden or not so to do so serves no purpose.

The word 'Testimonial!' I would have just once (right now i see 3 testimonials but 2 titles saying 'Testimonial!'.

I'd have it say 'TESTIMONIALS!' (plural) and move it down a bit from the text above it (i thought at first that the 1st paragraph was a testimonial! lol)

WRITING ADDICTIVE EMAILS
"The LAST Way Left To Come Across As TOTALLY UNIQUE To Your Email List, And OUT-SELL Competitors With Bigger Lists In An Over-Saturated Market"
TESTIMONIAL!


P.S.- I haven't even read the text yet but something tells me its good.

Pewpewpew, thank you for the point by point critique. I will bear those in mind the next time I modify the salesletter.

nmchant, yes, the text is good. Very, very good, as you can read from the reviews

Thanks so much for your critique. Means a lot.

Rik

[Note: I am new to this field, and just offering some advice based on what I have read so far, so any more experienced copywriters that disagree with my comments please explain why. I want to help out with this, but I love to learn too.]


This is pretty far down in the copy, but it should be "that" instead of "thank." It's a small typo, but considering you did it in all caps, it stands out really badly and probably is costing you some sales.

I also agree the testimonials would look better after the introduction, as at that point there's no info on the product yet, so I don't know what the testimonials are promoting. You should be using them as support for the claims that you made in the introduction, because people will forget what the testimonials said before you get to explaining the product. That being said, the testimonials themselves are great- they just need to be moved until after the intro.

I also think you should nix the "gangbusters" reference; it's an obscure noun to use, and most people don't know it, so a familiar phrase such as "like a charm," or something similar, would be a more accessible fit.

I feel like only the 2nd and 3rd examples here are obviously relevant to the source material, and that for the 1st and 4th, you would need to include reasons as to why your product is going to help alleviate those concerns. Saying these without any support, I don't feel like your email campaign is going to help me keep my promises to friends or get into athletic shape. If you put in something like "now you will have the time to.." before those two promises, then there could be something to work with, but as stand-alones, it's not really effective.

I would rephrase this to say something like, "All of these goals and more will be accessible to you after you use the methods explained in my 67-page manual." The structure is kind of difficult to follow, and some of the wording may throw off some of your consumers. And it's a "Pipe Dream," not a "Pipe's Dream," just so you know.

*You'll. I know it's a minor grievance, but the grammar being consistent is really important for it to come off as professional and high quality.

You changed tenses here mid-sentence, and you used some words that are a bit uncommon in the typical english-speaker's dialect. You should stick to simpler phrases, like "'hopeful' assumptions that lead to disappointment and heartbreak," because some people don't know the meaning of "inevitably" or "preceded." Just because you know these words, doesn't mean that everybody reading your copy knows them also. If you simplify you word usage, you will be more accessible to consumers, and the testimonials and other information will be enough to convince those that are smart enough to know these terms anyway. Don't try to be too clever.

I'd leave out the "with your permission" part. Just say you want to prove it to them, and then show them how you want to do so. Don't bother asking for their permission; if they're reading the page, then you're already asking them to buy their product, so it's redundant.

This is a genius move, and I am going to confirm the guy a few posts above me by saying that I am planning to swipe this for the future.

This is great to see. One thing I'd change is the copy that you put on the "buy now" button. I'd put something less sales-oriented like "optimize your email list NOW," or something of the like.

Hopefully this helps you out some,
Joe

I find that the formatting can help pull me into the text when it's done in that hypnotic way , whereas if it doesn't have that pull I might skip the page.

I really enjoy this forum and can spend too much time analyzing text, so I've been focusing on what jumps out at me instead.

But it is funny how you (I) can sense great copywrite just by skimming it.. must be a subconscious thing.

Indeed, nmchant. And Joe, THANK YOU for the excellent feedback! Will get around those suggestions you made soon.

This looks good. Good enough to make me want to buy it, as soon as there is a Kindle version.

The thing is that you've not answered some of my objections. I've bought a lot of email marketing books on Amazon (based on the simple mindset: if I can find a single good practical suggestion, it is worth the $5 or $10) and from this POV, I'm asking:

1. How is this actually better since everybody makes the same claims?
2. Are these practical suggestions or abstract in nature?
3. How can I practically use this?

** A point here, it depends a lot on who are you targeting too. If your target market are those who already run campaigns on a daily basis, talking in specific terms like "how I''ve improved my open rate from 47% to 81%" is very appealing.

4. I've tried all the suggestions from my last book and nothing changed, why should I invest time with this one?

Since I'm going to buy it (I hate reading stuff on my computer so please, all WSO creators, start publishing ePUB or Amazon versions), I like it a lot but answering these objections a lot more specifically can help you boost sales.

I think you are right nmchant. I've had zero refunds so far.