Best Video Sales Letter Script Ever?

by ejg700
21 replies
Well it could be- with your help. I'm just putting the finishing touches on a men's online dating course, but I need to know if I'm going in the right direction with the sales message. I feel I'm a pretty good writer- but copywriting is a different beast altogether. I've done considerable research on the components that make a good sales letter, and bought a few courses that came highly recommended- but there's nothing like real world feedback for something you've created. I know testing will be the next phase, but I'd like to know if what I've come up with is even in the ballpark. I'm open to all suggestions. If it's the worst sales script you've ever read- feel free to tell me. But tell me why it "sucks" so badly, and what I can do to fix it. I don't know if it's okay to post links, but to be safe, I'll just paste it here. Bare in mind, it's still a rough script that I haven't thoroughly proofread. I'll be making it into a VSL, so there are a few sentence structure violations, if it were to be a text sales letter.


"Why 90% Of Men Fail On Free Online Dating Sites."




How You Can Be Part Of The 10% That Succeeds.

Note: This is a script for a video sales letter.


Did you know that Okcupid, POF, and Craigslist make up 70% of women who actively use dating sites? Yeah, really. But you wouldn't know it from the responses you get from them. The average woman online responds to about 10% of the mail she gets. And that's just the "average" woman. The more attractive ones respond to far less. That presents a problem. Because if you're anything like me, you're interested in an extraordinary woman. A woman you're attracted to. A woman who turns heads everywhere you go. A woman who seems like she'd be a great time, and would get along with you famously. But it burns like a hot blade being twisted into your back, every time you think you've found a woman like this, send her a message, only to hear nothing back- or if you're lucky a "sorry, not interested."

If this resonates with you, watch and listen closely. What I'm about to reveal to you is the exact same system that I used to go from getting the occasional date with average-looking, unremarkable women, to meeting, dating, and hooking up with up to ten, attractive and interesting women each and every month. And get this- I'm not tall, I don't make a ton of money, I drive a car with so many problems, that the problems have problems, I st st st studder, and a full head of hair is but a distant memory for me. So watch this video while you can- as I may take it down at any time... And I'd hate for you to miss on what I'm about to show you.

Just a few short years ago, I was in the exact same place. I couldn't get a woman that I was interested in to respond to me to save my life. And the women that sent me messages??? Let's just say, I wouldn't touch them with an eleven foot pole. The women I did manage to get dates with- hardly ever looked like their pictures. All I have to say about that is **** you Adobe Photoshop! I remember agreeing to meet up with this one woman. Her pictures were decent enough. But what showed up wasn't even the same species as the person that was in the picture. I mean here, you be the judge. Woman whom I thought I was meeting. (Slide of actual woman) Here is what showed up on the date,(Clip from “Clash of The Titans” of The Kraken emerging from the sea.) It's frustrating as hell. Sure the sites are free, but you can't even begin to put a value on your time. It makes you want to make a general announcement to all the women on these sites. Not just the ones that don't even bother responding, but the ones that feel it's okay to misrepresent themselves. What would the announcement be? Well for starters, why they think it's okay to waste our time. Because as men, we're on these sites FOR A REASON. We're either looking for a nice, attractive girl to go out and have drinks with, a good time, and see where things go, or we're on these sites to find an attractive lady to go out, have drinks, and a good time with, then go back to whose ever place is closer, and have wild monkey sex. It's as simple as that. We're not on these sites to waste anyone's time- especially our own.

Up until now, you only had two options: Be persistent, or be patient. Let's look at the first option. You could keep sending women messages, until someone that you're interested in responds, agrees to meet up, and is the person in the picture. That has worked for some people, but at what price? After all of those "silent rejections," you start taking it personally. You start to wonder, "is there something wrong with me? Am I just not good enough for these women?" And let me tell ya, for a multitude of reasons, those aren't the kinds of thoughts you want to be having when you're trying to meet women online- or anywhere else for that matter. Option two. You can just be patient, and hope some attractive, desirable woman comes across your profile, sees the value you offer her, and begs you to meet up. I guess it's possible- but so it winning the $300 million dollar lottery… 6 times in a row. So if you're a gambling man who likes playing games with almost unimaginable odds against him, then you're a braver man than I.

I doesn't have to be that way. There is a way where you can be consistently successful meeting, and dating beautiful, interesting women on free dating site without nessisarilly being presistent or patient. I spent years being frustration, and heartbroken due to my results from using free online dating sites- but I decided I was tired of it. I decided that it was time to do something about it. I spent the next two years trying everything I could think of. I took these sites apart. Most of the stuff I did, didn't work. The stuff that did work, worked famously. Some of the things even got me banned- but I was right back at it the next day with a new "TOS compliant" plan. Because you can't get any action from a site you can't get on. Everything I figured out and learned, I was able to tweak until I had a system that worked virtually every time I used it. That's why today, I'm excited to bring you the culmination of my hard work. "Freestyle dating." 16,298 words of hard hitting, no fluff, and actionable information- guaranteed to help you create profiles that women climb over each other to respond to. And responses to their profiles that are virtually impossible for them not to reply to. Hi, my name is Samson DeWitt, and in the last 3 yeards, I've met, hooked up, and dated over 150 attractive and interesting women, all from free dating sites like POF, OkCupid, and Craigslist- all without lying, pretending, impersonating, or doing anything sketchy. Every man I've shared this incredible system with has experienced similar success. I’m not saying this to brag. Oh no. I’m telling you to show you that it’s possible for anyone- with the right tools and information t be just as successful

I want to share with you a little secret. I can guarantee you that most guys that are having little to no success, don't realize this one little thing. Knowing this secret can mean the difference between ultimate failure, and unlimited success. More on this secret in a moment. But first, this is what you'll be able to do after reading "Freestyle Dating." The beauty of women on these free dating sites is that a lot of them don't know what they want, until they actually find it. Imagine if you were to be able to intercept them in the middle of that process- the process of them finding what they want. You would be essentially taking them off guard. Women love to be surprised. They love finding things they hope for, but didn't think they'd find, in places they never thought they would. No woman goes on craigslist, or POF thinking- today I'm going to find the man of my dreams. Yet they take the time to create profiles, and talk about what they're looking for. Why? Because they're always open to the possibility. They fantasize about it constantly. With "Freestyle Dating, you'll be able to strategically position yourself to seize her attention, at a time when she's most receptive.

It's odd to me. Guys on the "Big Free Three," Craigslist, POF, and OkCupid, make up the largest demographic of online daters on the Internet, but the segment remains highly underserved. Even if you did find a product like "FreeStyle Dating,” it wouldn't contain the following components:

*Access to secret usability features.

Well, they're not really secret- it's just that 95% of guys don't bother to use- or look for them, so this gives you a huge advantage over them. You'll be able to make your profile stand out heads, and shoulders over theirs.

*Tools that give your exposure a massive boost.

Imagine for a moment if everyone online in your area on could see your profile on POF. Imagine that everyone online on Okcupid in your area received a message about your profile in their activities feed, as often as you wanted. Imagine if your post on Craigslist was always at the top during peak viewing hours. That's what you'll get with "FreeStyle Dating." I call these tools"robotic assistants-" programs specially designed for each site to boost your exposure 100 fold. The more exposure you get, the more likely you are to find someone to connect with., Each site has a different method of prioritizing the displaying of profiles. POF displays the profiles of people that are online first. OkCupid displays profiles based on activity- like if you upload a new picture or answer a match question. And Craigslist displays posts as they get them. Here's what this means. If you're not online a lot with POF, you're not likely to be seen. Women use the search feature far less than they go through profiles that are displayed to them as they're going through their mail. Also, When they do search, the results are displayed to them based on the last time online. OkCupid is different. It doesn't matter how much you're online, it matters how much you're doing online. Browsing profiles doesn't matter. The more questions you answer, the more you edit your profile, the more your profile gets noticed. These robotic assistants simulate these activities for you. The CLBOT is a little different. You see Craigslist doesn't like bots on its site, so the CLBOT does everything it needs to do manually, in the foreground- just like a human would. A really really fast human. All of these tools work together to increase your exposure exponentially.

So just in case you haven't realized what I'm getting at, let me be clear. I'm giving you the tools to be successful on all three sites, tripling your exposure, and making it far more likely that you'll meet your objective. Here's just a taste of what else you'll get when you pick up your copy of "FreeStyle Dating."

*A super ninja photo trick that worked so well, I got over 75 responses in just one day. *I guarantee you've never seen anything like it.

*Multiple proven example posts, and profiles that you are free to use and personalize- including my most successful profile ever.

*The definitive connection guide. A guaranteed method to turn any first date into a second, and beyond. This section is great for guys who aren't great conversationalists. Not only does it guide you in what to say, but it instructs you in what not to say. VERY IMPORTANT.

You'll learn what types of pictures to avoid, and how to turn shirtless pics into the most powerful picture you can use- even if you're not super ripped. And trust me, it's not what you think. And women who frown on shirtless pictures are left drooling when a guy does this.

* If you're a man looking to get sex online, learn why Craigslist "Erotic Encounters" is the last place you should be posting and responding to ads. Learn where and how you should be posting instead,( you'll never guess where.)

* Learn how to get a woman turned on and ready for sex in 4 easy steps.

* Learn this simple trick to keep women on the hook once you get them there. Because if you haven’t noticed, women on free dating sites have a lot in common with dandruff, corn, and snow ( Slides of snow, corn, and dandruff flakes.)

I did a little experiment. I went on a popular bodybuilding forum, and gave out 10 copies of "Freestyle Dating." I offered no incentive, just asked that they gave it a fair trial and an honest review. I started getting reviews after a few days, and after 3 weeks, I had 5 reviews. Here they are. ----- There you have it. I really wanted to over deliver on this product; because I wanted people to not only get what they paid for, but more than they paid for.

So with that being said- how much would you expect to pay for this repository of information, and tool kit? Well, I know people that have paid $500 for an online dating seminar that didn't cover half of the stuff in "Freestyle Dating." But you're not going to pay that today. I should rightfully charge $200 for as much time, and effort as went into putting this package together, but I won't charge that either. One reviewer said that he'd pay over $100 for this information- but that's not what you're going to pay. Not $67, not $50, not even $40. Today when you pick up a copy of "FreeStyle Dating," you'll get it for just $29.97. But here's how it's going to work. To show you how confident I am that "FreeStyle Dating" will help you in your dating pursuits; I'm taking on all the risk. Today, just pay $9.97. And it's yours. Review it, and try it out for 30 days. If after that time you don't feel it's worth $29.97, you pay nothing else. Heck, if you think it was garbage, and I should go jump off a bridge for selling such a crap product, just send me an email, and I'll give you your $10 back.

So what if you do like it? What about the other $20? Well I'm leaving that totally up to you. Like I said, I'm taking the risk- but I feel it's more of an exchange. I'm trusting that if you like it, you'll keep it. And you're trusting that I'm selling you something worth keeping. So is $9.97 a fair price to pay to change your online dating fortunes? Let's see. One bad date with the woman formerly known as thin and attractive is good for at least $40. You could go the paid dating route. $34.99-$50.00 per month, and no guarantee that you’ll get any better results than with the free dating sites... And time. You can't even begin to put a value on wasted time. I'm not super awesome at math, but I can tell you that $9.97, is much cheaper than between $90.00 and priceless.

So... I want to quickly tell you why I created this product, and then I'm going to tell you that secret I alluded to earlier. Nope, I didn't forget. And I promise I'll tell you right after. So I was going through YouTube one day. I was fed up, and frustrated with the lack success I was having with online dating. I was really starting to question my value as a person. Was I just that “loseresque,” ugly, and undesirable? I wanted to know if there were other guys out there having the same poor results. I think knowing that I wasn't alone would have been the only thing that would have prevented me from stepping into traffic at that point. So I did a search for "POF sucks", and holy ****. I got over 14,000 results back. It was like guys having bad luck online was some sort of epidemic. And the Biggest offenders were POF, Craigslist, and OkCupid. So I set out to figure it out. Not just for me, but for my fellow bros out there. Because I don’t care who you are, or what your station in life is, no one deserves the horrid experience that so many guys and I were getting. And after two painstaking years, "Freestyle Dating" was born.

So now the secret. Knowing this little piece of information will absolutely change your fortunes when dealing with women on free dating sites- or any dating site for that matter. So… here is where every guy that has had bad luck goes wrong on free dating sites. He fails to realize women’s commitment level on free dating sites. It's ultra low. And on sites like Craigslist, it's even lower. When women come across a reply, profile, or post, and it's obvious that his commitment level is much higher- like "I need to get some ass, or a date right now, or my heart is going to explode- high" She get's spooked like a deer hearing a tree branch snap under foot, and runs back into the forest.

Allow me to use an analogy. Women on free dating sites are like budget automobile shoppers. They aren't looking to spend a whole lot of money on these cars- because they know that there is a high probability of mechanical failure with these cars- so if it explodes two miles down the road from the “dealershit” they just bought if from, they're not going to go bankrupt. But they are open to the possibility of one of these budget cars giving them years and years of reliability. Woman on classified ad dating sites are straight up “window shoppers.” They just like to look at what’s on display, and laugh at prices. Sometimes they’ll bring their friends so they can have a laugh too. Even though they don’t have any real intentions of buying, they most certainly will buy the right item, for the right price. And that's the secret of success with women on free dating sites- meeting them at their commitment level. Showing them "hey, I'm just on here looking too. I don't need you to respond to my profile. As a matter of fact, I don't need anything from you- but If you want to give me something, and I like what you're trying to give me- hey, I won't say no." And that is what "Freestyle Dating" you teaches how to do.

So go ahead, press that buy now button now, and get your copy of "FreeStyle Dating" for $9.97 and start changing your online dating fortunes today. But you see that clock ticking at the bottom of the page? That's all the time you have to take advantage of this incredible offer. Once that clock hits zero, this offer will be gone for good. Hopefully you see the incredible value in this offer. In just one click of that Add To Cart button, and you can start immediately infusing your brain with the necessary information to start dominating free online dating sites.

So let me restate my guarantee. Pay $9.97 for your instant download of "FreeStyle Dating," try it out for 30 days. If and only if you're absolutely thrilled with the program, do you pay the remaining $20. If not, no further action is required, and if you absolutely hate it, I'll give you your $10 back. No questions asked. You've dealt with the pain, and frustration of not getting the results you've wanted to from online dating sites for far too long. Right now you have an opportunity to change that… forever. And the solution has never been easier to take advantage of.

Just click on the buy now button right now, and you can have a beautiful interesting woman sitting across from you, or perhaps considerably closer…tomorrow. Just take a moment to imagine it. Smelling her almond scented hair, feeling her soft skin against yours, looking into her piercing, wanting eyes- knowing what the immediate future would bring for the both of you- and thinking that just a few days ago, you were staring at her captivating pictures, wondering if you even had the balls to send her a message. I bet a lot of guys wondered the same thing. Some of them may have decided that it was too much of a long shot- others may have hit the send button. But it doesn't matter. They might as well have sent it into oblivion. At least in oblivion it would have a better chance of getting read. Like I said- it doesn't matter. You're the guy who got the knowledge, and respectively the guy who got the girl. But that's all in the future. In order to be that guy who gets the girl, or girls, you first have to be the guy that gets the guide that shows him how to get the girl. So go ahead, press the add to cart button before time runs out, and I'll you on the other side.

#letter #sales #script #video
  • Profile picture of the author Chriswrighto
    I'm not feeling it.

    My main concern is that you aren't actually in the market.

    "Why 90% Of Men Fail On Free Online Dating Sites."

    How You Can Be Part Of The 10% That Succeeds.
    It's boring and doesn't grab my attention.

    I don't want to be part of the 10%... I want to be someone that woman lust over and HAVE to meet up with.

    Because if you're anything like me, you're interested in an extraordinary woman. A woman you're attracted to. A woman who turns heads everywhere you go. A woman who seems like she'd be a great time, and would get along with you famously. But it burns like a hot blade being twisted into your back, every time you think you've found a woman like this, send her a message, only to hear nothing back- or if you're lucky a "sorry, not interested."
    You're close to making me think "he gets it..." but for some reason this doesn't hit it.

    Identify the problem... tell them that they suck at online dating and what the means to them.

    How they dream of being able to turn a 9 into their very own 'plaything'.

    Just a few short years ago, I was in the exact same place. I couldn't get a woman that I was interested in to respond to me to save my life.
    I'd like to see you expand on this and go into more about your story. Let me know that you were just like me... but now you're the man... and I can be too!

    After all of those "silent rejections," you start taking it personally. You start to wonder, "is there something wrong with me? Am I just not good enough for these women?"
    This is what I'd like to see nearer the top. This is a real pain point of them not being able to pick up women from these sites.

    Tools that give your exposure a massive boost.
    No one wants 'exposure'... unless they're a business. Men want to be seen, heard and WANTED by women.

    Today, just pay $9.97
    I'm really confused by this... you say the product is $29.97... now you're telling me its $9.97 and that it's up to me to give you the extra 20? Don't confuse your audience

    So... I want to quickly tell you why I created this product, and then I'm going to tell you that secret I alluded to earlier.
    You're telling me this NOW?!

    I'm going to stop picking out bits here...

    It isn't structured or planned out.

    And it's SO important that you do this so that you don't confuse your audience.

    In football/soccer terms... you're currently playing your centre back up front and your winger as goalkeeper.

    Try winning the World Cup like that.

    I would pick a proven VSL formula and use that as your framework.

    You also need to find a hook, at the moment it's "how you can become one of the top 10%" and that isn't strong enough for me. With a structured piece and your hook laced throughout, you'll be infinitely more successful.

    Although with that said... there's a lot of work to be done and your time and money might be better off hiring someone.

    Hope this helps.

    P.S. I would also work on your writing... I don't know if it's the annoying blue font but it hurt my soul just trying to read it.

    P.P.S. Seth wrote a good post in another thread that would benefit you: http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ml#post9289856
    Signature

    Wealthcopywriter.com :)

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9290660].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    The piece lacks drama. Especially the opening.

    -----

    ... Did you hear that?

    Dead. Fvcking. Silence.

    That was the sound of your message to some hot looking chick you just reached out to on POF... being ignored.

    Not even a “Sorry, not interested.”

    How does it feel? How many of those have you sent out in the last day... week... month... year?

    Sucks to be lumped in with all those other AFCs, doesn’t it?

    You’re not like them. You’re different you tell yourself.

    And it’s true.

    But results don’t lie. Sucks to be you right now, dude.

    The gurus will tell you it’s a numbers game... post a better picture... write a better profile. You follow all the rules and what happens? Again...

    Dead fvcking, frustrating silence.

    WTF you ask yourself! How do you break through to these women?

    How do you make that connection?

    Because THERE ARE guys out there raking in all the hot, beautiful babes they want online.

    But how do they do it?

    Stay tuned. Because in this short video, you’re about to find out...

    -----

    Excuse the vulgarity, but you gotta grab these guys by the balls from the beginning and don't let go.

    - Rick Duris
    Signature
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9290822].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author ejg700
      Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

      The piece lacks drama. Especially the opening.

      -----

      ... Did you hear that?

      Dead. Fvcking. Silence.

      That was the sound of your message to some hot chick you just reached out to on POF... being ignored.

      Not even a "Sorry, not interested."

      How does it feel? How many of those have you sent out in the last day... week... month... year?

      Sucks to be lumped in with all those other AFCs, doesn't it?

      You're not like them. You're different you tell yourself.

      And it's true.

      But results don't lie. Sucks to be you right now, dude.

      The gurus will tell you it's a numbers game... post a better picture... write a better profile. You follow all the rules and what happens? Again...

      Dead fvcking, frustrating silence.

      WTF you ask yourself! How do you break through to these women?

      How do you make that connection?

      Because THERE ARE guys out there raking in all the hot, beautiful babes they want online.

      But how do they do it?

      Stay tuned. Because in this short video, you're about to find out...

      -----

      Excuse the vulgarity, but you gotta grab these guys by the balls from the beginning and don't let go.

      - Rick Duris
      &^%$ Rick, can I use that? That's awesome. You guys are really opening my eyes. I appreciate it.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9290981].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Originally Posted by ejg700 View Post

        &^%$ Rick, can I use that? That's awesome. You guys are really opening my eyes. I appreciate it.
        Sure, not a problem. Go for it.

        But make no mistake, you have your work cut out for you with the rest of your piece. Bolting my copy onto your copy "as is" will do little good.

        But my original goal wasn't for you to use my copy. It was for you to see how to approach your copy, give you a little direction and inspire you.

        - Rick Duris
        Signature
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9292029].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author ejg700
          Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

          Sure, not a problem. Go for it.

          But make no mistake, you have your work cut out for you with the rest of your piece. Bolting my copy onto your copy "as is" will do little good.

          But my original goal wasn't for you to use my copy. It was for you to see how to approach your copy, give you a little direction and inspire you.

          - Rick Duris
          I was mostly kidding about using your copy verbatim- but it did inspire me to ditch 90% of my copy and start over. I work, and learn quickly, so I'll post the "remix" up tonight when it's finished.

          As far as the time and work that will be required to get this this right... Time and ambition are things I'm in no short supply of.

          The way I see it, if I can figure out how to overcome being laughed onto the internet to find a date, and subsequently laughed right off, I can figure out how to write sales copy to guys I used to be.

          Actually I kind of had help overcoming my issue. Speaking of which, would it be beneficial to include him,(my mentor so to speak,) in the story at all?
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9292754].message }}
          • Profile picture of the author Tim R
            Originally Posted by ejg700 View Post

            Actually I kind of had help overcoming my issue. Speaking of which, would it be beneficial to include him,(my mentor so to speak,) in the story at all?
            If you do it the right way, yes. This is something that you'll see fairly often in sales copy.

            By giving credit for your success to a mentor, you come across as 'one of them' who just happened to strike it lucky by meeting the right person and getting access to information that your prospects don't possess.

            There's nothing special about you, no natural talent that means you can achieve something that they can't.

            But you also want to establish your own authority and credibility, so you'll want to talk about how you took what your mentor showed you and refined it to make it even more powerful and efficient.

            You've got some great advice in this thread so far, good luck with version 2.0.
            {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9292946].message }}
            • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
              In a crowded market, like men's dating advice,
              it's essential you come out with a new method.

              Dave Miz has done dating sites,
              there's been Texting, there's been street and bar pickups.

              Then there's been the whole mindset variations.

              You want to get this one thing nailed and have it
              strong enough to stand alone. It unlocks the reason why he's been failing
              miserably and why everything else taught has failed for him.

              That's his mind block you have to wedge open before you go into
              what exactly you have.

              No amount of word manipulation is going to get him to part with money until
              he gets understanding why he's not getting what he wants and
              why everything else he's tried failed..

              Best,
              Ewen
              {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9293024].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
      Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

      The piece lacks drama. Especially the opening.

      -----

      ... Did you hear that?

      Dead. Fvcking. Silence.

      That was the sound of your message to some hot chick you just reached out to on POF... being ignored.

      Not even a "Sorry, not interested."6

      How does it feel? How many of those have you sent out in the last day... week... month... year?

      Sucks to be lumped in with all those other AFCs, doesn't it?

      You're not like them. You're different you tell yourself.

      And it's true.

      But results don't lie. Sucks to be you right now, dude.

      The gurus will tell you it's a numbers game... post a better picture... write a better profile. You follow all the rules and what happens? Again...

      Dead fvcking, frustrating silence.

      WTF you ask yourself! How do you break through to these women?

      How do you make that connection?

      Because THERE ARE guys out there raking in all the hot, beautiful babes they want online.

      But how do they do it?

      Stay tuned. Because in this short video, you're about to find out...

      -----

      Excuse the vulgarity, but you gotta grab these guys by the balls from the beginning and don't let go.

      - Rick Duris
      This is a perfect example of what works in this niche.

      ...painting a vivid picture of the most painful, frustrating problem which they're having...a problem your product was specifically created to solve. Second, remind them that they've tried everything else (ie, the part about following the gurus advice), and that since that has failed them, they're desperately out of options.

      Desire plus desperation is a potent selling strategy.

      And believe me, the men who buy this stuff HAVE tried everything else and it HAS failed them. That's the only reason they're willing to finally pay for guidance...just think about how resistant men are to asking for directions.

      They'll wait till they're hopelessly lost, desperately frustrated and damn near out of gas. Assuming that your targeting and traffic strategy is solid, that's the condition they're coming to you in. If you describe that condition and the experiences which led up to it in clear and vivid language, the selling part becomes easy.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9291486].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Originally Posted by sethczerepak View Post

        This is a perfect example of what works in this niche.

        ...painting a vivid picture of the most painful, frustrating problem which they're having...a problem your product was specifically created to solve. Second, remind them that they've tried everything else (ie, the part about following the gurus advice), and that since that has failed them, they're desperately out of options.

        Desire plus desperation is a potent selling strategy.

        And believe me, the men who buy this stuff HAVE tried everything else and it HAS failed them. That's the only reason they're willing to finally pay for guidance...just think about how resistant men are to asking for directions.

        They'll wait till they're hopelessly lost, desperately frustrated and damn near out of gas. Assuming that your targeting and traffic strategy is solid, that's the condition they're coming to you in. If you describe that condition and the experiences which led up to it in clear and vivid language, the selling part becomes easy.
        Again, I apologize for the vulgarity of it. I'm also capable of writing science heavy copy for health related products which do not require such language.

        But correct me if I'm wrong, that's how guys talk in their head. (At least in my head. :\ )

        It's an ongoing conversation they're having with themselves. One filled with intense frustration, contempt, self pity, jealously and infinite hope.

        Those are the rasped raw emotions of this market.

        - Rick Duris
        Signature
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9292215].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
          Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

          Again, I apologize for the vulgarity of it. I'm also capable of writing science heavy copy for health related products which do not require such language.

          But correct me if I'm wrong, that's how guys talk in their head. (At least in my head. : )

          It's an ongoing conversation they're having with themselves. One filled with intense frustration, contempt, self pity, jealously and infinite hope.

          Those are the rasped raw emotions of this market.

          - Rick Duris
          Heh. I'm pretty sure I swear more than most of the guys in here combined. No apologies necessary, man.

          The whole dating industry frustrates me in general, but I do find the psychological influences and choices guys make to be rather fascinating.

          Carry on, dudes!
          Signature

          Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9292331].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
          Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

          But correct me if I'm wrong, that's how guys talk in their head. (At least in my head. : )
          My internal conversations are much more colorful.


          Guess that's why it didn't shock me.
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9313239].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author jdchis2
    I agree with what has been said above.. the content is a bit too unprovocative for the subject at hand.

    Adding in my own 0.02, I feel that the paragraphs are too long to keep the readers attention. I know that the layout for your page is different than the layout for posts here, but I am just going on how it shows up. You have some of them clocking in at 25+ lines each. That's too long to keep someone's attention if they are looking for a solution to their online dating problem. Most of your paragraphs are coming off as walls of text, which is a turn off for anyone that is busy.

    I also agree with the above posters that the pricing is very confusing for your product. Why not just mention the "how much do you think you'd pay for this?" Once (at, say, the $200 mark), and then tell them that it costs @29.97? Adding in all these extra numbers, and having them pay only part of the price, then the rest of the price later, makes it a convoluted price estimate for what you are selling. I would recommend saying that the price is $29.97, which you did, but you also had a confusing part about paying $9.97 now and then $20.00 later. If you truly believe in your product (which I think you do), then you should offer a $29.97 charge with a 100% money back guarantee. For example, if they do not get a date in one month (or two months, or whatever you decide), then they get all of their money back. It comes off as much simpler, which leads the buyer into a more secure mindset.

    I also agree that you should place your explanation for creating the product early in the ad. I'm talking either first or second paragraph, not the closing segment of your copy. The closing argument should be what FINALLY convinces them to buy, after all of the good information has already been given. Say that you were just like the people reading the ad, before you found this "One Perfect Secret," and include this as early as possible.

    Although I believe that you mean what you are saying, I agree with what Rick was implying, that an ad that is more streamlined and bullet-point oriented would be more successful than what you have at the moment. Also, I think your whole ad would come off better if you included all of the testimonials that you mentioned in the copy.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9290929].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author ejg700
      This is all good stuff guys thanks. Like I said I wanted honest brutal feedback. But the only thing I will defend is the writing. It's not meant to be a text sales letter, but a script written in written as it's to be spoken. Perhaps I didn't make that clear. I could have just ditched the blue font as well.

      What I was going for with the price is this: I didn't expect anyone to pay the additional $20, because there is an upsell I wanted to build trust by telling them I was taking the risk not asking for the entire amount upfront. So just ditch that idea, and ask a set price?
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9290962].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author davemiz
    9+ years ewen. Have the #1 online dating offer out there.

    His copy is WAY off. (bad rip of ebens DYD letter)

    The level of copy you need in this niche to convert on buying traffic is absurd
    Signature

    “Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.”
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9301273].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Originally Posted by davemiz View Post

      9+ years ewen. Have the #1 online dating offer out there.

      His copy is WAY off. (bad rip of ebens DYD letter)

      The level of copy you need in this niche to convert on buying traffic is absurd
      It's a good letter, Dave. Yours is a perfect example of taking the long view and dialing it in over time.

      You deserve to gloat a little.

      - Rick Duris
      Signature
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9302562].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author davemiz
    thanks Rick. Appreciate it dude.

    Honestly, its okay... wouldn't say it's anything to gloat about or get a big ego over... because I know it can and will get better. (we're in the midst of overhauling the entire front end offer right now).

    there's lots of other people that'll toot their own horn's.... not my style. :-)
    Signature

    “Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.”
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9302851].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Originally Posted by davemiz View Post

      thanks Rick. Appreciate it dude.

      Honestly, its okay... wouldn't say it's anything to gloat about or get a big ego over... because I know it can and will get better. (we're in the midst of overhauling the entire front end offer right now).

      there's lots of other people that'll toot their own horn's.... not my style. :-)
      Just as a quick test, if you think it has merit, feel free to take the copy I wrote above and bolt it onto what you've got. Let's see what happens.

      It's up to you.

      -Rick Duris
      Signature
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9302878].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author davemiz
    thx dude. got a list a mile long of stuff to test.
    Signature

    “Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.”
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9313171].message }}
  • you took my pants off
    bored them off me.

    "system that I used to go from getting the occasional date with average-looking, unremarkable women, to meeting, dating, and hooking up with up to ten, attractive and interesting women each and every month"

    this above is your lead.

    You cleared your throat for about 15 lines before getting to it.

    This is a hungry market but a packed one

    you gotta get that attention, be unique, show your advantage, prove it, and close em effectively.

    Check out John Benson and Chris Haddad stuff in this niche.
    that is what you are aiming for. .
    Signature
    "Peter Brennan is the real deal, In the first 12 hours we did $80k...and over $125k in the first week...if you want to be successful online, outsource your copywriting to Peter"
    Adam Linkenauger

    For 12 ways to sell more stuff to more people today...go to...www.peterbrennan.net
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9313466].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author jrigdon73
    I didn't feel "hooked" at the start of this long, long letter. If you want to keep your audience reading, you need to give them some major bait the the top. Right now you don't have any.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9316045].message }}

Trending Topics