Brutal Copy Critique Of Jeff Bezos Sales Letter For The Amazon Fire Phone

10 years ago

I'm kinda disappointed there's no Gary Busey in this letter. I wanted to see what else he'd try to talk to.

Gary Busey talks to things that don't listen

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splitTest

10 years ago

Nice analysis.

Maybe he's intentionally being vague in anticipation of developers and others turning the technology into benefits?

(I guess he couldn't just come out and say "We made this to make it more convenient for you buy stuff on Amazon."

)

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Lance K

10 years ago

As far as sounding presumptuous and cold, I have a different take.

The letter is from Jeff Bezos. As a customer of Amazon I'd expect it to be a cold sounding business like mass email. If it was personalized with my name and spoke to me as if we were old friends I'd be more put off. Amazon is a giant corporation and I'm a customer. We're not buddies. I want good deals, fast shipping, and excellent service. I'm perfectly fine being spoken to as if I'm a customer because that's what I am.

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sethczerepak

10 years ago

Originally Posted by Will Compton

Wow, pretty bad. I think companies get lazy on their copy once they become popular enough for their reputation to do the bulk of the work. I bet most readers skipped the copy just watched the video.

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Johnny12345

10 years ago

As Lance explained, considering the context, I think it's an excellent letter.

First of all, he did NOT omit the headline. It's just that his apple-esque, "Introducing Fire Phone" headline FOLLOWS the salutation.

That's actually rather innovative for a sales letter.

However, the letter's greatest strength lies in its CLARITY.

His sentences are to-the-point and precise. There are no wasted words. And there's none of the hype or nonsense that are so common in the Internet marketing space.

Finally, the layout is CLEAN, simple, and elegant. (Again... probably inspired by Apple.)

In short, it's a nice specimen.

John

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splitTest 10 years ago

Will's points 7 through 10 say a lot.

Bezos could've at least told us more about what's so innovative about this new product.

Otherwise, what's the point of the letter?

A letter like this could have been done much, much better. I guess the good news is it's just one part of a much bigger marketing effort... (?)
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Jason Kanigan

10 years ago

As a frequent Amazon/Kindle buyer, this letter has appeared in front of me many times over the past several days.

My response has been, "Oh that's nice; Amazon is putting out a phone."

The letter has been so dull-looking I have not bothered to read it.

That "headline" IS awful--totally focused on "us" the company rather than "you" the customer. "Announcing our new phone"??! Big deal. What innovation.

All the gearhead stuff makes my eyes slide off the screen.

The paragraph right above Will's point #12 is what the letter should have begun with.

The phone looks exactly like every other smartphone.

*click*

I've moved on.

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Johnny12345

10 years ago

Originally Posted by Jason Kanigan

The letter has been so dull-looking I have not bothered to read it.

The letter was so clean looking that I IMMEDIATELY read it.

I'm so used to seeing sales letters with a "cartoonish," over-the-top design that the sheer simplicity of the Bezos letter stood out.

As Roy Williams says... when the competition zigs, you should zag.

John

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Jason Kanigan

10 years ago

Originally Posted by Johnny12345

The letter was so clean looking that I IMMEDIATELY read it.

I'm so used to seeing sales letters with a "cartoonish," over-the-top design that the sheer simplicity of the Bezos letter stood out.

As Roy Williams says... when the competition zigs, you should zag.

John

Personal preferences...

Do you like flat design? I hate it.

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splitTest

10 years ago

Originally Posted by Johnny12345

The letter was so clean looking that I IMMEDIATELY read it.

I'm so used to seeing sales letters with a "cartoonish," over-the-top design that the sheer simplicity of the Bezos letter stood out.

As Roy Williams says... when the competition zigs, you should zag.

John

That's a design consideration, not messaging.

The target market isn't going to read the letter (or be moved by it) because it has a nice, simple design. It needs a strong message, starting with the headline.

Bad copy = bad letter. Even with a nice clean layout.

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Johnny12345

10 years ago

Originally Posted by splitTest

The target market isn't going to read the letter (or be moved by it) because it has a nice, simple design.

Actually, it might. A letter that "looks" -- and is -- easy to read will get more readership. And people can't be "moved" by a letter they don't read.

Design matters. It helps cut through the clutter so your product stands out in a sea of mediocrity and sameness.

In the context of being a letter for an Amazon product, on the Amazon site... I think the message and design are effective.

John

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splitTest

10 years ago

Originally Posted by Johnny12345

Actually, it might. A letter that "looks" -- and is -- easy to read will get more readership. And people can't be "moved" by a letter they don't read.

Design matters. It helps cut through the clutter so your product stands out in a sea of mediocrity and sameness.

In the context of being a letter for an Amazon product, on the Amazon site... I think the message and design are effective.

John

Of course design matters. But it doesn't make up for weak messaging, no matter how appealing it might be.

On the other hand, good copy -- without any design at all -- can carry the day. A plain-text typewritten page can do the trick if the message is right. No fancy design is going to help if the message is wrong.

Anyway, you give this letter props because it's a nice simple design? Wrong forum.

No consumer is going to say "hey, this letter is nice and clean, in plain-old helvetica, without any fancy colors like other letters might have used... I'm going to buy this product!" - nor - "I'm going to read past the headline!" nor anything like that.

What the letter says is what's going to move them. Design can enhance the message or detract from it, but it's the message that motivates.

Originally Posted by Sean Fry

Um, does anyone here not get that that letter is designed to do one thing?

To get people to watch the video. Jesus...copywriters.

The letter isn't designed to sell. The video is. Its job is to get people to click through to watch the video. And it does a good job doing that.

I'd have to disagree with you on that. Very little in the message makes me want to invest time in the video. And I'm part of the target market: someone with a real interest in what's new in tech.

That letter could have done a lot more to dispel the narrative floating around media that Amazon is just making a phone to make it more convenient for people to buy stuff on Amazon.

At minimum it could have done a lot more to make people want to watch the video!

As it stands, it sounds like there's nothing special about the phone, which plays into the negative media.

With Amazon's deep pockets, they could've done a lot better. The letter reads like there was way too much input from some executive committee or other...

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Johnny12345

10 years ago

Originally Posted by splitTest

Anyway, you give this letter props because it's a nice simple design?

Umm... NO. (If you're going to quote me, try to do a better job of it.)

That was NOT the main point of my original post. The discussion just spun off in another direction when Jason got involved. (He's such a troublemaker!

LOL)

Here's what I actually said:

As Lance explained, considering the CONTEXT, I think it's an excellent letter.

<snip>

However, the letter's greatest strength lies in its CLARITY.

His sentences are to-the-point and precise. There are no wasted words. And there's none of the hype or nonsense that are so common in the Internet marketing space.

You'll have better results responding to posts if you actually read them first.

John

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Sean Fry

10 years ago

Originally Posted by splitTest

I'd have to disagree with you on that. Very little in the message makes me want to invest time in the video. And I'm part of the target market: someone with a real interest in what's new in tech.

That letter could have done a lot more to dispel the narrative floating around media that Amazon is just making a phone to make it more convenient for people to buy stuff on Amazon.

At minimum it could have done a lot more to make people want to watch the video!

As it stands, it sounds like there's nothing special about the phone, which plays into the negative media.

With Amazon's deep pockets, they could've done a lot better. The letter reads like there was way too much input from some executive committee or other...

Honestly, I don't actually think the letter is designed to be read. I think it was designed to be skimmed. It seems to serve as an outline for the graphic and the play button.

Looks like they've removed it anyway...now it's just a big graphic with a "learn more" button.

I'd like to know if they used any eyeball tracking software (I'm sure they did, this is amazon) to see if people were actually reading the entire thing, or just quickly skimming it, then scrolling back up to watch the video.

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splitTest 10 years ago

Originally Posted by Sean Fry

Honestly, I don't actually think the letter is designed to be read. I think it was designed to be skimmed.

Hmm... I'd figure in more subheads and bullets if that were the case.

Though after checking out the first sentence of each paragraph, hmm -- maybe... (?)
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splitTest

10 years ago

Originally Posted by Johnny12345

The letter was so clean looking that I IMMEDIATELY read it.

I'm so used to seeing sales letters with a "cartoonish," over-the-top design that the sheer simplicity of the Bezos letter stood out.

As Roy Williams says... when the competition zigs, you should zag.

John

Dude, you also wrote the above. Don't get prissy. It's not too far off the mark to say you give the letter props for its clean design.

... And even its "clarity" is nothing to defend so vehemently. As the OP pointed out in comments 7 through 11, it ain't all that clear.

Ultimately it's not a great letter, particularly if the best it has going for it is its brilliant design and its lack of extraneous words (copywriting 101).

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Johnny12345

10 years ago

Originally Posted by splitTest

Ultimately it's not a great letter,

OK, you're right! It's a TERRIBLE letter.

Amazon is the biggest, richest online retailer in the world, but they are apparently incapable of having good copy written. (Those poor, misguided fools.)

::Sigh::

Anyway... since you don't like MY posts, I would suggest that you read posts #4, #12, and #13.

They do quite a good job of communicating the simple reasons why the letter is actually spot on for its intended PURPOSE and AUDIENCE.

John

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splitTest

10 years ago

Originally Posted by Johnny12345

OK, you're right! It's a TERRIBLE letter.

Amazon is the biggest, richest online retailer in the world, but they are apparently incapable of having good copy written. (Those poor, misguided fools.)

::Sigh::

Anyway... since you don't like MY posts, I would suggest that you read posts #4, #12, and #13.

They do quite a good job of communicating the simple reasons why the letter is actually spot on for its intended PURPOSE and AUDIENCE.

John

Amazon does a lot of things right. That's why it's surprising that they'd put out such an anemic letter from their prez.

Re: your sarcasm

-- does the fact that Amazon put out the letter make it an example of good copy? hmm...

I have nothing against you or your posts. The letter however is obviously tepid.

It obviously could do a better job of enticing people to spend their precious time with the video. It could also communicate more richly to people who can't (or don't want to or don't have time to) watch the video.

Don't take offense. I know you didn't write the letter.

Whoever did might've also included links to short vids in addition to the main vid, to explain stuff like Dynamic Perspective, the "immersive" apps and games "not possible on other smartphones" and the Firebug button...

I mean, if you're gonna be vague in the text, just link to a quick vid show. Someone might click those links, even if they're not interested enough to watch the main vid.

Maybe they ran out of money...

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Johnny12345 10 years ago

Originally Posted by splitTest

The letter however is obviously tepid.

I'll give you points for persistence, but apparently we'll just have to "agree to disagree."

Some people like the letter... others don't. (However, neither side seems likely to change their view.)

But, frankly, it doesn't matter what any of us thinks about that letter -- we're not collecting royalties on it.

John
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- splitTest 10 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Johnny12345
  
  But, frankly, it doesn't matter what any of us thinks about that letter -- we're not collecting royalties on it.
  
  You mean we don't get paid for this?
  
  Dammit, I could've been meeting my other deadlines!
  
  That online copywriting course I took clearly stated ... Well, nevermind.
  
  Thanks
  
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UnkwnUsr

10 years ago

I think Jeff will be okay, you have to remember that this short sales letter is just the introduction of what will no doubt be a massive marketing effort. I believe there was a similar letter for the introduction of the Kindle at that seemed to turn out pretty well for Amazon. The letter is not designed to close the sale right away most people are not going to buy a product the first time they see it. It is designed to pique the customer's curiosity. With their marketing budget they know that their message will be heard again.

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Sean Fry 10 years ago

Um, does anyone here not get that that letter is designed to do one thing?

To get people to watch the video. Jesus...copywriters.

The letter isn't designed to sell. The video is. Its job is to get people to click through to watch the video. And it does a good job doing that.

A headline would look totally out of place on the home page.

This phone looks pretty amazing, and the video will handle all of the "critiques" listed in the OP. That firefly feature looks nuts.
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DavidG

10 years ago

Thanks for pointing out the obvious sean. PEEPS, don't forget that tech isn't something that you try to sell on your toes. It's something you present in a video.

And honestly, it wouldn't make sense to hard sell them if they are already promoting the crap out of the phone on their website.

It really is all about the offer and traffic (or problem)... who cares about the message.

Then again, don't take my word for it...

*donated so must say that line*

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IDoTheLegWork

10 years ago

Originally Posted by Sean Fry

Um, does anyone here not get that that letter is designed to do one thing?

To get people to watch the video. Jesus...copywriters.

The copy wasn't even good enough to do that for me. In fact I
didn't even know there was a video until you mentioned it.

I agree with others that the opening is weak and full of hubris.
For that opening to work Amazon would need to be established
as a cutting edge technology company not just an easy shopping
experience. The Kindle just doesn't push them into that category.

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 10 years ago

Dynamic Perspective, if you didn’t know, gives the viewer a sense of depth on the screen, similar to 3D, changing the perspective depending on the angle of the user’s head. It also provides the user with the ability to navigate the phone through a series of hand gestures. Another feature, called Firefly, scans and recognizes objects, allowing you to save a web address or a product that you want to buy.

So far it's not selling very well -

Amazon’s first smartphone isn’t setting the world on fire, judging from the company’s own rankings.
Less than two weeks after Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos unveiled the device, the Amazon Fire Phone has plummeted on the company’s list of bestselling electronics across Amazon.com.
Today, Amazon’s 32 GB model is ranking as the 61st best-selling electronic, far below its fourth-place position two days after the phone’s June 18th unveiling. Furthermore, the 64 GB model does not make an appearance at all, suggesting that sales for the larger capacity model are even more dismal.

Amazon Fire Phone nosedives on company's bestsellers list, dropping to #61 after debuting in top five - GeekWire

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joe golfer

10 years ago

Amazon's first rounds of new products are always bland. Wait a few iterations.

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Quality Copywriter

10 years ago

I'd say Jeff is really worried now. In between counting his gazilions.

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Brutal Copy Critique Of Jeff Bezos Sales Letter For The Amazon Fire Phone

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